<p>My S is a 9th grade BS at Boston. Within two weeks, he only called home once. Is this normal? How often does your kid call home? What is the best way to keep the communication open when they are away from home?</p>
<p>My son was also on the other side of the country. During the first few months, we would occasionally (once every ten days or so) speak by phone and we would send short emails back and forth, maybe a couple a week. I took this to be a good sign that he was busy and involved. Kids are wildly different in this regard. He had friends who would talk to their Mom or Dad daily. If your son also went across the country, then he is probably especially independent. Don’t worry!!</p>
<p>SFBayareaParent - normal is whatever you and your son decide fits your situation. My son and I communicate via text messaging and emails mostly. I usually initiate the phone calls. He is in his second year at BS. When I do call him it is usually right before bedtime during the week or in the early evening on the weekend. Any other time that I call him he is usually busy with his friends and can’t talk.</p>
<p>P.S. Last year I called a lot in the first few weeks, then less frequently as the year progressed. I make a point to at least talk to him every 10 to 14 days.</p>
<p>Some notes from a college orientation meeting for parents dealing with “letting go” may help:</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/1065594808-post7.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/1065594808-post7.html</a></p>
<p>My child calls home more this year than last year. She’s gotten the hang of the busy schedule, and has learned to use her time more efficiently. </p>
<p>In the first two weeks in a boarding school, there’s so much to learn! Everything is new, and nothing is familiar! It could be that your son just needs some time to adjust to his environment. Speaking to family with your roommate in the room could also make him self-conscious. If he’s forgetting to call, it’s likely that he’s busy and happy. </p>
<p>It might help to set times to call, such as every Tuesday and Friday evening at 9:30. It may sound odd, but if he can enter a date and time on his calendar, he’s less likely to forget. I have found Facebook to be useful. If they occasionally update their status, they’re still alive. Skype is great, too. </p>
<p>If you have reason to be concerned about your son, you could contact his advisor. He (or she) can help you put everything into context.</p>
<p>Thank you all for sharing your experiences!</p>
<p>last year my daughter skyped (now a verb) every day. Now, as a soph, it is much less. But we still talk during free periods and on facebook. My son, who is a freshman in college, calls once a week or so and when I answer always says, “hi mom, what’s up?” My first instinct is “you called me” but I override it and go right into conversational mode.</p>
<p>I am hanging on to the “no news is good news” idea for dear life. :(</p>
<p>It’s true, Neato. All is well.</p>
<p>I’m finding that chatting works better than calling/skyping. I’ve just been leaving a window open, and he just beeps in when he has something to say. Feels more like life at home, I suppose. Calling requires a kids’ full attention…chatting can be done while studying, talking to friends in the dorm, quickly in between classesetc. We’ll see, though, whether it lasts!</p>
<p>Great thread. We’re still trying to figure out the routine. At first we had a lot of Skype contact and I think it was soothing for her and us. Now she seems to want to talk less frequently which I take as a sign that she’s engaged and happy. It’s also a result of her Skype connection being a little unreliable, but she could call or IM so I don’t take fewer Skype calls as meaning much. I am now the one struggling - to let her be. In her final months at home she really didn’t want to hang out with anyone but me, and now I am left with a void that she has gone to fill elsewhere. This too shall pass. Really good to hear from those who weathered this.</p>
<p>I think one of the things you’ll discover is that your relationship with your child will be different and, in some ways, stronger. Or maybe “neater” is a better word. This may be simply because you’re child is getting older and maturing, so it’s not all because of boarding school.</p>
<p>The fact is that it’s easier for a BS parent to identify maturing trends. Largely because you’ll be looking out for them…which you might not have done if the live-at-home routine hadn’t been disrupted. And you might also respect what your child (that may seem an odd word, even now!) is doing and how much more independent and self-sufficient (relatively speaking) s/he has become. So you may be giving the child more credence than you might have given him or her if things had just played out with the routine being the same.</p>
<p>Plus, the daily grind doesn’t get in the way. You’re not nagging. S/he’s not being, well, childish. So when you are together, you’ll be more inclined to see child more like someone growing into adulthood. And your pre-adult person will seize on that and I can all but guarantee that the conversations will be absolutely terrific…because they’re no longer (or not so much) about taking out the garbage, tying up the phone line, failing to put things in the hamper. You’ll be making a point to get value out of your interaction…so you, too, will be changing and looking for a more mature relationship.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s sad that it’s not full-time, non-stop interaction. But maybe now, with nobody in that bedroom, you can redecorate it and take out the Winnie-the-Pooh curtains and Tigger trash can and get something in there that’s more suitable to the mature young person who lives there (some of the time). It’s still his or her home. You’re still the parent. But it will be different for all of you in, I think, a very neat and special way that owes much to do with the fact that s/he’s not a 24/7 experience for you. Until summertime rolls around…</p>
<p>D’yer Maker–thank you for the wonderful post, your support to us newbies has been fabulous.</p>
<p>My darling d just skyped with me for the first time today. I was extremely happy and she seemed fine. It was good to see her and you are so right–the relationship is different already, but I sure love it. Skype is awesome and her great-grandma (87 years old) thinks the technology is sooo strange. Even my neighbor came over and spent time with her. </p>
<p>My d says we will skype on sundays after brunch, but I can send mail or text anytime–go figure.</p>
<p>Life is good for me—at least today…but next sunday for skpye seems so far away—lol</p>
<p>Perhaps my opinion will be controversial but here goes. I think parents and their BS kids should be talking ideally 2 times a week - at least once. These are not college kids of 18 or 19. For the most part here, we’re talking about kids who are 14/15 years of age. They still need guidance from a distance. No matter how good the advisor/advisee relationship is, it doesn’t replace parent/child interaction. Your child might not think they need it but they do. They may think they are too busy to talk with you, but the schools do not keep them so busy that they can’t take the time to talk for 15-20 minutes a couple times per week. IMHO, as parents we have the right and obligation as parents to insist that these conversations - whether phone or skype - take place.</p>
<p>Sorry to post in the parents section as I am not a parent, but this thread really caught my eye and I really wanted to share my thoughts.</p>
<p>My freshman year I would rarely call my parents. I would rarely answer the phone. I only called if I needed something. I was a brat about the whole thing honestly.
Sophomore year was pretty much the same.
Only when things started getting stressful during Junior and Senior year did I start calling my parents a lot more often. Now that I am in my second year of college, Icalling my parents every so often. Maybe once every few days. I’ve grown a lot closer with them and I’ve matured a lot (thanks to being at boarding school) and I’ve grown to appreciate them and their advice. I don’t rely on them for everything, but if I have a question about my car or my debit card, I’ll call. I also like keeping in touch and hearing how my family is doing.</p>
<p>I think it’s fairly common for freshmen and sophomores to want to pull away from their parents since this is the first time they’re really enjoying freedom. Don’t worry though, when they’re freshmen and sophomores, no news is generally good news.</p>
<p>Here’s a link someone e-mailed me and others looking at college.</p>
<p>[News:</a> ‘The iConnected Parent’ - Inside Higher Ed](<a href=“http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2010/09/10/hofer]News:”>http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2010/09/10/hofer)</p>
<p>I think the list of blunders is hilarious…but – to creative1’s point – I was “guilty” of some of them when my S was in boarding school because I thought – and still think – the rules were slightly different. Now, I’ll say that I was judicious about which ones and how often I violated them…such that I think they were appropriate for a parent of a boarding school student.</p>
<p>For example, there was a period of time when he got lax about making his way to choir practice and he wouldn’t do anything. He’d just be in his room, clueless about choir practice. So I’d leave an e-mail reminder for him…just in case he meandered to his room instead of into the music department: “Gentle reminder: if you’re reading this before 6 pm, you need to get your @ss to choir practice!”</p>
<p>Other types of contacts are as off-limits for boarding school as they are for college, though. Maybe even more so…such as directly confronting a roommate to resolve a conflict. As off-the-top insane as that may be for college, doing that with a 15- or 16-year old kid is actually worse. Of course you all know that…but what I would keep in mind is the fact that there are experts who are there and sometimes the good parenting play is not to solve problems but guide your child to the resources on-site who can help. So when you’re on campus, touch base with the dorm parent(s) and others who your child may need to lean on so that you can be helpful if a difficult situation arises. Maybe not as the problem-solving hero(ine), but by reminding your child that s/he can turn to Mrs. X down the hall or possibly alerting Mr. Y to be on the lookout for your child who may need some help with a sticky situation. Those people and their expertise and the school’s decades of institutional experience dealing with sticky beyond-the-classroom situations are a big part of what you’re paying for, so understand that it’s not always in your child’s best interests to try to be Superman/Supergirl over the phone or Skype or…ugh!..the blunt-edged, devoid-of-nuance-and-tone, sledge hammerish communication tool most of you refer to as text messaging.</p>
<p>And speaking of devoid-of-nuance, I speak here in gross generalities. There are lots of exceptions to this when applied to your own particular facts, so these are not universal truths but points to consider as you find your own comfort level of interaction.</p>
<p>Amen, Dyer–I think that parenting needn’t be that different from afar–I have this image of my virtual mom self standing at the virtual kitchen counter chopping onions, mostly just listening as needed as my kid comes and goes out of the house–but also knowing when to put down the knife and make a call. In some ways this is easier than ps, as I have a “go-to” person for just about all of my kid’s needs, personal or academic, in his adviser.</p>
<p>And I’m definitely not above parenting that would be over the top for a college student–like checking to be sure he’s reading his school emails for example.</p>
<p>Thank you for that article, D’Yer Maker. My husband and I almost fainted onto the breakfast table at the thought of the college students’ average of 13.4 contacts with home each week. (!) I might have made one (1) phone call home a week during college. Technology has changed the world.</p>
<p>I liked this:
</p>
<p>That article reminded me of the general extension of childhood that I have seen with our kids’ generation. I am astounded by the Army commercials that have a child asking their parent if they (the PARENT) has given any more thought to the child’s (and I use that term lightly sense we are talking about 18 year olds) exploration of joining the military. The commercials presuppose that the graduating seniors need their parent’s permission to enlist. I can perfectly understand that a blossoming adult who respects their parents opinions would want to know what the parent thought, but these commercials seem to send the message that it is the parent’s decision.</p>
<p>Also, I was talking to a friend who recently went with her sister to drop off her niece at college. The niece had graduated from BS. The mother was amazed at how babied the new students were with over a week of orientation, etc. Jeez, my son got two days at Exeter before classes began. U of Chicago has two WEEKS of orientation.</p>
<p>I don’t know. It seems like we are raising a nation of kids who don’t seem to even WANT to embrace adulthood our decision making.</p>
<p>little story: My husband was taking a walk around town with my daughter after dinner this summer and they met a young lady we know with a master’s degree and a full time job who lives with her parents. My husband turned to my daughter after they passed and said, “When you’ve graduated from college and have a full time job, you are not living at home.” Daughter laughed and said, “I hope I won’t want to!” Husband says, “I hope so to” and they continued their walk holding hands.</p>
<p>What is it with these kids holding on to the apron strings forEVER?</p>
<p>Sorry for the rant. I’m off to stalk my son on Facebook. (JK! 
)</p>
<p>This has been around before but it still makes me laugh 
[YouTube</a> - Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids](<a href=“Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids - YouTube”>Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids - YouTube)</p>