<p>My question is a little more complicated than that. My son is a man of few words. He went away to a college program in HS and didn't communicate with me for 3 weeks. Now he is in college, I am paying the entire bill, and he does not want to communicate, unless he needs something. He can't even be bothered to say please or thank you when I help him. We had quite the power struggle his senior year, so I'm trying not to freak out or say he has to talk to me or I won't pay for school, or make other threats. I have let him know 'd like to talk every week or so. I've tried calling, emailing and texting but not obsessively. He is basically a good kid, but has his own view of how things should work. He's not much for expressing appreciation these days. I find myself wondering what happened to the polite kid I raised. My best advice to self is try to ignore as much as I can and hope it's just a phase, but if people have any words of wisdom I'd like to hear them. He used to be very "obedient" for lack of a better word, but now he simply does not do what he doesn't think is important. I don't want to ruin our relationship, but I would like to know he's alive, what classes he's taking, if he likes school, how much he has spent so far, ...</p>
<p>My answer was going to be simple: There is no “should.” Whatever works for y’all.</p>
<p>But now that I’ve read your story, I think he sounds like an ingrate and that there are bigger problems here. You’re feeling taken advantage of, as would I. This calls for a heart-to-heart and some ground rules. Once a week isn’t unreasonable. Did he only call once every three weeks while in the HS program, or was the three weeks a one-time thing?</p>
<p>We really like to talk to our two once a week. It is more of a thing about just wanting to know they are all right and to hear from them when something is not wrong. </p>
<p>I am friends with both of them on Facebook and if I have not heard anything, I will take a look for any new postings. I will also send a text and ask a question that needs a response and it may be something that will benefit them. </p>
<p>Both of my kids have told me that no news is good news. However, what they don’t get is that it is not all that much fun to get a call late at night about something they are upset about. I will talk to them, but there is not much I can do about a loud party downstairs 250 miles from my house. </p>
<p>My husband will sometimes call the kids and tell them to call their mother. Don’t know whether that is an option, but my husband can make it look as though I really want to talk when he does too. It does work. Good luck.</p>
<p>To start, set up a convenient time once a week to touch base. Expect him to respond at this time when you call him, as he can expect you to respond if he calls you. Do not negotiate on this. If he refuses, insist upon it or tell him that you will be rethinking your support. </p>
<p>It is totally thoughtless and immature not to respond to emails and texts from one’s parents, as long as the parent is not bombarding the student constantly. Once a week is very reasonable and not intrusive.</p>
<p>Constant unlimited phone contact with the parents erodes the student’s ability to find alternative ways to cope with being lonely, homesick, or bored in a new environment. The opposite–the child who falls off the face of the earth–is equally unsatisfactory!</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>He’s an adult now. You need to let go. </p>
<p>Is your monetary support truly contingent on him speaking to you once a week? If so, let him know I guess. I’m sure he’ll start speaking to you once a week then, while he’s still at school anyways. </p>
<p>“so I’m trying not to freak out or say he has to talk to me or I won’t pay for school, or make other threats. I have let him know 'd like to talk every week or so. I’ve tried calling, emailing and texting but not obsessively”</p>
<p>That definitely sounds obsessive to me. I might’ve talked to one of my parents on holidays and other than that: once every month or two. There is nothing worse than answering the phone only to have it be my dad who doesn’t have anything at all that he wants to say. Annoying. </p>
<p>Its normal for him to not to want to talk to you every week (!). He is busy, taking classes, going to parties, going to football games, studying…etc. He’s not supposed to talk to you about all of these things. You’re not his best friend, you are his parent. You call eachother for help when you need it and on holidays/special occasions. </p>
<p>You’d have a right to be upset when he refuses to talk to you on Christmas. Not talking to you every single week is normal IMO. You are needy. </p>
<p>Also, if you guys fought during his senior year, maybe he is still getting over that. Time away is healthy for the soul. After I moved out it took a good 6 months or so for me to forgive my parents for the a**holes they became. Now we’ve moved on and have a great relationship (still don’t talke every week though! lol). If they started threatening to make me pay for my own car insurance/cell phone bills because I wasn’t talking to them regularily, it would’ve taken longer for those wounds to heal.</p>
<p>Just realized a few parents posted before my post was written. View my post as the student’s perspective. Which is a lot more reasonable than the parents obviously :).</p>
<p>Wanting to talk to your grown child once a week is not “obsessive” or “not letting go.” I normally speak to my parents weekly and we have lived 1200 miles apart for 25 years. If you do not care for your relationships, they will die. I don’t understand why a mature, well-adjusted young person would find speaking to one’s parents once a week or so to be such a terrible thing. Annoying, possibly; but in the long run, well worth it.</p>
<p>If the student is ignoring his parents, and not returning messages, it is a sign of selfishness and immaturity. Period. He could just say, “Mom, I’m really busy and I can’t always get back to you right away. Let’s talk on Sunday afternoons.” That would be the mature way to handle family obligations. The refusal to acknowledge that family obligations exist at all, is really childish.</p>
<p>Give him a few weeks to get used to his new normal and to enjoy his “freedom.”</p>
<p>Then call him occasionally…if he answers, and you have a pleasant chat a couple of times, the dynamic will have changed, and it’s likely he will start calling you once in a while too. If he doesn’t, it’s ok to send him a nice letter (email works) saying how much you enjoy talking to him…and that you are sure he doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but that the fact he does not reciprocate by calling you does hurt. This isn’t being manipulative, it’s telling him the truth, one adult to another. Just be sure that the phone calls don’t come off as inquisitions…not one rapid fire question after another…it’s somewhat better if you call to tell him about the new movie you saw, or that you say his favorite old teacher who asked after him…</p>
<p>If he doesn’t get the heavy hint, I’d be a little less responsive to him…you know, like forget to put his allowance in / pay a bill for him, and maybe let his phone calls go to voice mail for a day or two? Like he does yours? And then remind him, hey, “out of sight, out of mind” goes in both directions?</p>
<p>It does seem to get better as boys get older…they seem to get that it is less about them, and more about making someone else happy. And they are much more likely to share once they are more secure in their independence.</p>
<p>Agree it’s childish for him to not respond, but I’m not sure what, if anything, I should do about it. I tried telling him I’d like to talk once a week, and he did answer his phone last Sunday, but not this week. I also told him I need to know when he uses his credit card (I pay the bill), and I’m sure he used it to pay for books, but I haven’t heard how much they were. I like to think if I indicate it’s important he would call me, but other than that, I think he’d really just not hear much from home.</p>
<p>@NJSue: </p>
<p>Well a parent demanding to talk once a week, when a student has a lot of other stuff going on, and threatening to take away support is also selfish and immature. Not only that, but is more likely to hurt the relationship. Why cant the parents just be patient, wait to spend quality time with eachother during christmas, and have the son’s appreciation be expressed then, instead of wanting it every single week. </p>
<p>Every person is different, some families talk to eachother alot. I do have friends that talk to their parents daily. I will never be like that and it doesnt mean I don’t love my parents any less. </p>
<p>“If you do not care for your relationships, they will die.”</p>
<p>Way to overexaggerate. I’m not saying NEVER talk to eachother. Just not every week :).</p>
<p>It is common for parents to have a hard time letting go (especially moms). But let go they must.</p>
<p>Thanks boysx3… Sounds like you’ve got some experience with boys.</p>
<h1>10 I feel you are exaggerating in your calling the OP “needy” and “obsessive.”</h1>
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<p>Actually, he isn’t (yet). He’s a kid whose bills are being paid by mommy and daddy. He is not showing any gratitude, courtesy, or appreciation. </p>
<p>It’s not that we want our kids to tell us how grateful they are. It’s that we love them and want to stay in contact. Ritual is important. It’s not the information, it’s the acknowledgement: “Hey, I"m still alive and you are still important to me.” It is an act of love. It goes both ways, between parent and child.</p>
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You mention that you’re paying his entire bill at college. I’m wondering who pays for his cell phone. If it’s you, you might consider tying a once-a-week 5-minute call to your continued payment of that bill. It’s more tangible than a college bill, and more immediate. Few parents would yank a college education from a kid even if he is being disagreeable about staying in touch. </p>
<p>It sounds as if he’s aware of what you’d like him to do. I would send one email, titled “Very Important,” and explain that you need to know he’s all right, and that you expect a single 5-minute call once a week. You could suggest “every Sunday at 4:30 PM unless that’s inconvenient” or some such. I wouldn’t argue about it - I’d just tell him what you need and what the consequence will be for not agreeing.</p>
<p>I did something similar when one of my daughters, then a sophomore, was angry about a serious argument we’d had. She didn’t respond to my calls or emails for nearly 3 weeks. I finally emailed her that I was going to contact her RA to make sure she was all right unless she herself responded that day. And she did! </p>
<p>When you refer above to “how much he has spent so far” - I don’t know if I’d pursue that unless I had reason to believe he couldn’t manage his finances. Whether it’s money he earned, or whether you’ve agreed to give him a set amount of spending money, I would give him space on this personal issue. Is there a way that he can arrange to pay his credit card himself? Even if you provide the money, can you transfer a set amount to him each month and let him be responsible for the bill?</p>
<p>When my son was in high school and not responding when he was out, I would text him and say that if I did not hear from him in 10 minutes I would report his phone as lost. Worked.</p>
<p>1214mom–true story. About my very favorite #1 son.</p>
<p>First semester sophomore year he decided he was just too cool for parents. Around the beginning of November, we asked him to check the balance on his school meal plan debit card (also accepted all over campus town, not just on campus–no set meal plan) so we could plan for deposits for the rest of the semester and for the next semester. To busy to do it. Together over Thanksgiving–too busy to do it, early December? get off my case, it’s finals. Winter break? Couldn’t be bothered.</p>
<p>Student returns to school Jan.5</p>
<p>Student arrives at school to find an email from Dad commending him for his excellent grades and how proud we are of him, and how glad we are that he is getting an excellent education…oh, and by the way, since you never got back to us as to the question of the balance on your student card, we are assuming that there are ample funds on it and do not plan on making any deposits on it for the rest of the semester. So if it wasn’t sufficient, it would be up to him…ie., get a job.</p>
<p>S1 ended up being very busy working as a referee for intramural soccer games and also for local leagues for their games and tournaments…</p>
<p>We all laugh about it now (he is 27 and married) but it’s funny…if we ask him for info about anything, we now get it quite promptly. </p>
<p>We never had similar problems with his younger brothers. We never "told’ on big brother, but I have a feeling he might have had a word or two with them.</p>
<p>I wish I had advice, 1214 mom. I have similar feelings. Took my son to school two weeks ago. 1000 miles away, complicated flight arrangements, car rental,getting cello there(bought seat for cello), worried about list for dorm, etc. I stayed up nights worrying about everything. Got to campus, he shed me like a snake sheds its skin. I felt so sad and unappreciated, I went back to motel and skipped a lot of the orientation festivities. I know that I was the sad one and that how he treated me was probably pretty typical. He called me yesterday because he is having ATM issues. I had cooled down enough to not act hurt so I guess the two week time was good. </p>
<p>I will have to remember the advice about telling him if I don’t hear from him in x amount of time that I will report his phone as stolen. Genius!</p>
<p>I disagree that he is an adult now. He is totally financially dependent and he needs to learn to be more considerate. Still sanding off the rough edges!</p>
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<p>This x100</p>
<p>I’m not one to call somebody just to call somebody. I call somebody to ask them if you want to meet up for lunch, etc. I don’t call somebody unless it’s absolute necessary. </p>
<p>To the OP:</p>
<p>Give your son space. If you pester him now about not calling and give him consequences, only bad things will come from that. Once you graduates and gets a job, you won’t be able to give him consequences. So then, he might just not call at all. Who knows?</p>
<p>This son’s behavior sounds out of the norm to me. Is he polite and pleasant to other people? Then it’s a mom thing and hopefully he will get better and/or a frank conversation may be needed. He should not treat you that way, and if he’s mad about something, it should be discussed.</p>
<p>If he’s like this with all people, then imo it doesn’t sound normal; it sounds like a personality problem. If that’s a new thing or a change, then I’d think about depression or mental health issues. If it’s not new, then maybe he has a personality disorder. His behavior will not help him succeed in a career. It all depends on the circumstances and history of this relationship. I could totally be over-blowing it. But it sounds like a little more of a brush off than the average bear.</p>
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<p>What a sense of entitlement you have! Any relationship – as family, friend, boss, or coworker – has both benefits and obligations. If you get something without giving something in return, you’re a freeloader. Sometimes, of course, the obligations outweigh the benefits. In that case, the student should become self-supporting, which is what I chose to do when I was 19. Otherwise, the person who pays deserves to make the rules.</p>
<p>Reconsider the statement above with “boss” in place of “parent.” How long, with that attitude, would the student keep his job? Yet parents have to put up with such BS while remaining quiet and docile? Remember: “He’s an adult.” That means parents no longer have an obligation to pay, either.</p>
<p>Frankly, any student who can’t find time to talk to his financial benefactor for 10 minutes once a week has such poor time management skills that he shouldn’t be in college.</p>
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But you don’t want him to prostitute himself either - i.e. give you attention as long as you pay him for it. Sorry, but that’s how that sentence struck me.</p>
<p>I agree that it’d be nice and courteous if he’d communicate with you every now and then but it should be mutually desired. </p>
<p>I try to be very respectful of their schedules and independence so I rarely call them, I leave it to them to call me. We don’t have some fixed time schedule since that’ll invariably end up to be inconvenient and get skipped. Mine tend to call when they’re walking to class which is otherwise fairly unoccupied time for them anyway. The calls usually only last a few minutes but that’s enough to catch up and have the comfort they’re still operational.</p>
<p>We live in a time now of instant communications and veritable spewing of information with email, text, IM, facebook, Skype, etc. and IMO this can be very invasive to privacy and independence. I think it also leads to expectations that those instant and frequent communications will occur even if one party or the other doesn’t want to be in ‘constant contact’. It might even have the backlash of decreasing the contact even more. </p>
<p>Think back to the communications you do have with him - are they civil? Are they demanding of him? Are they nagging him (“why don’t you call more often, I’m your Mother”, etc.)? Are they a thousand questions for him 'How’s this class?", “How’s that class?”, “What’d you do today?”, “What friends do you have?”, etc.?</p>
<p>In other words, from his perspective do you think the communications are pleasant for him or something he wouldn’t look forward to? If they’re not pleasant from his perspective regardless of your intent, then he’s not going to want to communicate.</p>
<p>The next time you talk to him be sensitive about the above and maybe suggest to him that you want to respect his schedule and independence so you won’t randomly call him (unless there’s a specific reason) but that you’d appreciate it if he’d call you every now and then, perhaps even weekly, at a convenient time for him, such as when he’s walking to a class or otherwise unoccupied for a few minutes because you’re genuinely interested in how it’s going for him. </p>
<p>Keep in mind that he’s only been at college for a week or so and it may have been packed with various activities, meeting new friends, etc. After another week or two he’ll get into more of a routine and perhaps will start contacting you more - especially if he finds it to be a pleasant experience.</p>