How responsible am I for my roommate?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I am a college freshman, just started school a few weeks ago. Over the summer, I found out my “random” roommate and we talked on Facebook about what our dorm should look like. She said that a fridge, microwave, rug, curtains, lamps, Keurig, printer, etc. were essential, and I agreed. However, when I asked how she wanted to split the cost, she told me her family couldn’t afford anything for the room and all she could bring was some dishware. I said this was fine (I wanted to have these things in the dorm for me, too!) so my family and I just bought everything and hauled it to the school (I am out of state, she lives about 40 minutes away). </p>

<p>I am fortunate to have parents willing to help out with college expenses and a large amount of scholarship money to go to this school. I also worked throughout high school for college spending money and I have a job working in the dining hall on campus. I realize my roommate comes from a very different background of support than I do, so I was more than happy to be able to bring stuff so we could have a nice dorm room.</p>

<p>When we met on move in day, everything was great. We both agreed on what we could and could not share, and one of the “share” items was food. My parents had brought a TON of food with me, at least 2 months supply of snack stuff for two people. I guess I just assumed that the food would be used as snack food, late night munchies when nothing’s open, so that’s why I was fine with sharing.</p>

<p>I did not realize how dire my roommate’s financial situation was. Turns out her family never payed her fees even though tuition was due a month ago, so last week, the university cancelled her meal card and removed her from all her classes. Her parents supposedly brought her money for food, which is what I thought she was eating from… but now I look around the room and realize there really isn’t any food left. She had a week of not going to classes, so I should not be surprised the food is gone….</p>

<p>I am taking 18 credit hours, I work, I am in several activities on campus, so I am almost never in the room. I have never seen her eating when I am in the room so I guess I just never thought about it. But now I see that entire large empty chip bags are in the trash can (chips that I never had a bite of even though I brought them), bags of microwave popcorn, soup, I even went home one weekend and she drank six bottles of tea (none left) I had left in the fridge! She has brought no food to share, and anyway I would feel horrible taking something of hers. She is diabetic so the food she brings is special and harder to get. She takes 12 credit hours and won’t get a job even though the university makes it incredible easy for students to work; she sleeps over 12 hours sometimes because she never has class. </p>

<p>Her situation came to a dramatic head the other night, the university sent her a letter saying she was being removed from housing, so her parents found a bit of money and sent that to the university so she could stay. It is barely a fraction of all that she owes. I took her out for a nice dinner and movie (which I payed for with my own money) because I was trying to comfort her. The university later re-instated her in everything so she can now go to class, eat on campus, etc.
What really finally aggravated me was yesterday I asked her if she wanted to go to the store with me this weekend to get some food. She said no, she was going home, but she would make me a list of things I could get for her (no mention of payment).</p>

<p>I really just don’t know what to do. My roommate is obviously poor but it isn’t like I have mountains of money to spend on food I never even get to eat. But then it seems horribly cruel to buy food and label it as mine or hide it from her knowing that she may not have anything else to eat all day! I just don’t know why my roommate keeps living here when it is obviously financially impossible for her family. If she got a job and was willing to chip in on groceries, that would be awesome, but I can’t force her to do that. But I also can’t let her starve- I care about her! Some days I will come back in the evening and she says she hasn’t had a real meal all day! I have a terrible feeling that in a week or two, we will be dealing with the same situation again- no payment, no housing, no meal plan, her eating all the food, me feeling frustrated… Should I keep taking care of her food wise or should it not be my concern?</p>

<p>Sorry for the long post but I am just so conflicted. Any advice would be appreciated. </p>

2

<p>You are not responsible for this freeloader. Do not buy her food. And if you’re smart, you will buy your snacks a few at a time. Get a lockbox to keep the non-perishables in.</p>

3

<p>Don’t spend money on her. You are sending mixed messages, taking her out for a nice dinner, asking her what she wants you to get, etc. How she’s eating your snack foods when she’s supposed to be on a special diet makes no sense to me. You should NOT be taking care of her food, and this point when you stock your frig, and pantry, that you want some things reserved for you, and show her how you will mark those items. Those should not be to share. I also advise you to just keep the stuff at a minimum in your room. No sense putting a steak in front of a hungry dog. You can do without your snacks for a few months. Keep the problem down to a minimum. You started a bad precedent in all of this, so you need to back off. No more treating, subsidizing because, yes, it causes expectations. She has money problems–get that through your head. SO she cannot, will not be sharing costs for ANYTHING with you, so keep it to yourself, and do without a bit yourself. It’s not your responsibility. And don’t room with her next year.</p>

4

<p>Relax. You have zero obligations. Do NOT keep feeding her.</p>

<p>Do not purchase ANY of her requests and limit your purchases to items you can avoid sharing. Time to rewrite the roommate expectations agreement ( or verbally inform her of it). No discussion needed. You need to get on with your life and enjoy your college experience. Stop letting yourself be taken advantage of. Discuss stuff with your RA/housefellow (whatever the position is called). Many roommates peacefully coexist without any sharing. Do not be an enabler- she will not starve but more quickly come to grips with her problems if you do not bail her out.</p>

<p>For your own mental health you need to distance yourself from her and her problems. You can’t save the world, or even one roommate. Your discussion with your RA should be useful in giving you the strength to lead your own life. Your RA may not even know how dire this student’s situation is- and I mean psychologically, not financially.</p>

5

<p>Regarding wis75 mentioning the psychological aspect- I think that is what I am struggling with. My roommate has made no friends, never leaves the room, seems to have some intense family problems going on- I feel like if I start not sharing she will feel like she has no one. I tried to talk to my RA but she seemed clueless- did not even know housing was kicking my roommate out. Another question that has been bothering me- my roommate is diabetic so I know she has to check her insulin (even though I have never seen her do this). I asked her where she threw away her used needles and she said her “pricker” doesn’t use them, but I don’t know what to believe- I don’t want to be taking out the trash and accidentally get stuck. This just is all not how I imagined my roommate life to be like. It’s not horrible, I feel like I shouldn’t request to switch at semester or anything, but I am frustrated all the same.</p>

6

<p>Sounds like she checks her blood sugar, but isn’t on injectable insulin. Yes, lancets should probably be disposed of in a sharps container, but they’re tiny little things. Unless you’re digging around in the trash or crushing the bag into a ball, I can’t imagine you could get stuck.</p>

7

<p>Here’s what I would do. I would go on my own to speak to a counselor at the college. I don’t know your setup. Could be someone in health services, or management of the dorm, any responsible counselor (probably not an academic adviser as such). I would explain the situation and my concerns about my roommate’s well-being – physical, mental health, or whatever. Then I would ask them to intervene, perhaps to reach out to your roommate – and to keep my role confidential. At the same time, I would explain how this situation is impacting me, and ask for some action for that reason as well. </p>

8

<p>She’s not your responsibility. Do not keep feeding her, paying for her groceries, and taking her out. It would be different if she was doing everything she can to make ends meet, needed the occasional bit of help, and was extremely grateful for it. She is none of those things, and it sounds like she’s taking advantage of you. Encourage her to meet new people and get involved with activities. Be a friend. Don’t be her bank or food supply. She sounds like the type of person who will keep pushing you to spend more and more money on her, and you need to draw the line now.</p>

<p>I’ve had friends who had very poor financial situations. And I would have done everything I could to help them because they were by friends, but the difference is they worked extremely hard (and had worked since they were in high school) to pay for their expenses and to give money back to their families. They scrimped where they could (borrowing books from the library instead of buying them, living off campus instead of on campus, cooking instead of eating out, taking the bus instead of driving, etc), and there were times between paychecks when they couldn’t go out because they didn’t have the money and refused to accept money from others. They managed their financial aid and loans well so that they paid their fees on time. Don’t think that because she comes from a poor family you’re obligated to help her financially or that she’s going to starve. There are many other students in the same situation, who make it work through hard work, good planning, and budgeting. It doesn’t sound like she’s even trying. What are you going to do? Feed her for four years? She sounds manipulative, not needy.</p>

<p>This might sound really ignorant, but why is her food special and hard to get? I’ve had friends who were type I diabetics and they ate… normal food. I have relatives who are type II diabetics, and they also eat… normal food. I mean they pay more attention to their food and general seem to eat healthier, but their food certainly isn’t special and hard to get. Clearly, she’s okay eating a bunch of junk food, since she ate all of yours.</p>

9

<p>Go to your dean of students and ask them to take on this burden of assisting her to find food pantries, etc., to help. (But isn’t her meal card working again?) No more sharing food. You’re in a very difficult situation. Seek advice from the dean, director of housing, or others who are responsible for the welfare of students. Consider visiting a counselor on campus yourself to help you work through this situation. Just some ideas. </p>

10

<p>Each individual roommate should be responsible for his/her own stuff, including food. While it’s tragic said roommate is having family/financial issues, THEY’RE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. </p>

<p>Especially if said roommate can’t be bothered to work a part-time job when they’re available. I myself was from a low-income family, maxed out my credits each semester, and worked around 15-20 hours/week during my college years. I only allowed myself to drop down to 12 credits during senior year to look for post-college jobs. </p>

<p>Echo those who say to get the university admins involved as this falls under their umbrella of responsibility. </p>

11

<p>I do not think this currently rises to the level of going to the dean of students or to a counselor. OP has made the dorm counselor aware of it already. This is basically a food issue with some speculation that there might be financial issues at home. Unless you think your roommate is in danger of hurting herself or others, this is really just something to be worked out between the two of you.</p>

<p>While it was very gracious and thoughtful of you to take your roommate out to a special dinner and to supply the snacks for the first few weeks, it may have set a bad precedent. it is obvious that you cannot expect any reciprocation. Whether it is because your roommate cannot reciprocate because of finances or whether it is because she does not know it is appropriate to do so, really doesn’t matter. I think you need to pull back a bit and worry less about her. The college experience is about being independent and taking care of yourself. Let your roommate do that. Just try to be a good friend by listening. Purchasing everyday necessities is her responsibility.</p>

12

<p>I do believe the roommate is at risk of leaving the school at the end of the semester if she does not receive some intervention by the administration. I don’t think the RA is equipped for this situation. Still the approach above ^ is a great way for the OP to personally cope and resolve the personal situation. The roommate’s situation is very dire, imho. She’s going to be one more low-income student statistic by December, I’m guessing. </p>

13

<p>Stop feeding your roommate. If you keep enabling her behavior, she will keep free-loading off of you. It is her responsibility to get a job if she needs money, especially if she’s only taking 12 credit hours. Besides, if she was really all that desperate for food, college club meetings almost always have free food for anyone who shows up</p>

14

<p>You sound like a very nice girl. I commend you for your concern.</p>

<p>I agree with others – you have no OBLIGATION to do anything. </p>

<p>Do I understand correctly that her meal plan has not been reinstated and that you believe she may not have money for food? In that case, although you have no obligation to help her, it would not be unreasonable to find a way to help her.</p>

<p>Do other kids on her floor know her plight? If so, you might quietly take up a collection for a very modest store of items that can be provided in your room that you could invite her to share. </p>

<p>If she were not diabetic, I’d suggest taking up a collection for peanut butter, jelly and bread and inviting her to share. Again, there is no obligation to do this. But it is an act of kindness to do so. You might want to ask her if she can eat ramen or canned soup or other hearty, cheap food that can be prepared in a dorm. </p>

<p>You should not bring any snacks into the room without the expectation that she will eat them. If she is truly hungry, you cannot expect her not to eat food in the room. Store snacks elsewhere. If you have a meal plan, there is probably little need for snacks in any event.</p>

<p>I think it would be kind to keep her in mind if there are leftovers that would otherwise go to waste. For example, if your buddies on the floor order pizza and there’s a leftover piece, invite your roommate to share without expecting contribution. </p>

<p>Again you have no obligation to do this but chances are her time at this school will be limited and I believe that if you expend even limited resources you will feel good about your actions for the rest of your life.</p>

<p>Finally, I wouldn’t mention the food that has already been consumed. The lesson learned is to not bring anything into the room that you are not willing to have her eat. </p>

<p>PS if i am wrong and she does have a meal plan then my advice would be completely different. </p>

15

<p>I believe the OP said her meal plan was recently re-instated after the girl’s parent made a payment. Sorry, but the financing of a roommates education and living expenses are not the concern of the OP. I agree that thoughtfulness when the floor orders food is in order, but outright purchasing food on a regular basis is inappropriate. I think if things do not improve it might be helpful for OP, who holds a campus job, to share with her roommate the process of securing like employment. This is the best way to help her.</p>

16

<p>I don’t think diabetics need to eat special food either. I know there are sugar-free baked goods aimed at diabetics, but that’s not a necessity. But they should not be loading up on large portions of high carb snacks. </p>

<p>And if there are any sharps (lancets or needles) those should be disposed of in a container. I think plastic containers are available designed for this. It’s a bio-hazard to the trash handlers if they are put in a plastic trash bag as they can poke through and puncture someone.</p>

<p>Your RA sounds unprepared for this situation. I would bring your concerns to someone else in the University administration. </p>

17

<p>Oh, and I forgot to mention, stop feeding this girl! She is taking advantage of you in a big way. Just say, you’ve decided you can’t afford to share food anymore and she’ll have to buy her own. Do you really need so many snacks with a meal plan anyway? </p>

18

<p>Op,
I personally don’t like to be confrontational but also don’t like to be taken advantage of. So if I were in that situation, I would just jointly finish the remaining food in the room (and call it water under the bridge, sunk cost or whatever) and then basically not restock and not keep food in the room. If you are never there anyway, you don’t really need it there. Yes, it does affect your lifestyle a bit (by not having a quick snack available), but at least you won’t feel so angry inside.</p>

<p>“Do not be an enabler- she will not starve but more quickly come to grips with her problems if you do not bail her out.” I agree. </p>

19

<p>This also sounds like a family pattern.Her parents only paid the minimum when confronted. </p>

20

<p>Since nobody else has made this suggestion yet, I will. Ask for a room change - this roommate is unlikely to last the semester anyway - you deserve a roommate that pays their college bills and will not be thrown out of school. Follow whatever procedure your school has for changing roommates through the residential life department. </p>