How responsible am I for my roommate?

<p>I would tap into all of your informal networks on campus to find out what you can about the open space in the party dorm. For all you know, the space may be open now because someone else moved out of an equally intolerable situation. Indeed, I wonder if they will immediately move someone into your old room when you leave? You should be able to get intel on your new prospective roommate before you make the final decision. Let’s hope the spot in the party dorm is vacant because the previous resident left campus, and not because of an intolerable roommate situation!</p>

<p>Sending hugs your way! Take a moment to breathe deeply. Friday is coming, and your family will be with you. Yes, you will be moving, but at least you will be putting an end to a horrible situation.</p>

<p>Please don’t let the parents on this thread stress you out…no one is upset with you or your family. We are all just outraged at your college administration and everyone else that is sitting idly by while you and your roommate are pretty much ignored. I’m sure each one of us has good intentions of sending best wishes and encouragement your way.</p>

<p>If it is too stressful to continue reading and responding, step away from this thread while you crunch through your finals. (Do come back later and fill us in, though!!)</p>

<p>From a post above, it sounds like OP has figured out a way to like the move to another dorm, retain her friendships, study when and where she wants even in the honors dorm. My daughter lives in one of the tower dorms at her school (mostly freshmen). Her roommate is in the honors program but didn’t ask to be paired with another honors student. There is also an honors house that is at the end of fraternity row but she didn’t want to live there either. My D and this girl get along great, D is a theater major and R is a dance major. They each have other friends but try to do things together once a week or so.</p>

<p>OP has a good outlook I think. Move, start fresh next semester. Maybe next roommate will be kind and fun. If something opens over the holidays, you can always move again.</p>

<p>Although I have commented a couple times on this thread that I think the university staff has shown an appalling passivity about this case, and also I think that Kgal’s having to suffer this difficult situation and now move to another dorm doesn’t seem at all fair, I now suspect that I know what’s going on behind the scenes. I think I can surmise why the dean did not respond to Kgal’s mother’s call, and why certain other administrators or staff haven’t been forthcoming in their conversations with Kgal about what’s going on.</p>

<p>The reason is this: FERPA, and possibly also HIPAA. Both of those federal laws protect the privacy of student records, both academic and health. It would be inappropriate and probably illegal for a dean or other administrator to discuss the health or academic status of Kgal’s roommate either with Kgal or Kgal’s parents. After receiving Kgal’s information about her roommate, it was up to the university to take action but it had no obligation and no legal right to disclose that action to Kgal or Kgal’s parents. </p>

<p>In fact, only under limited conditions could university staff discuss the roommate’s health or academic situation even with the roommate’s own parents without the roommate’s consenting to disclosure of her academic and health records.</p>

<p>Others on this board probably have a better understanding of the relevant laws than I do, but based on some Googling around I’m fairly confident that both FERPA and HIPAA come into play in this situation. I’ll link here to the posted policies at Bowdoin College concerning “Student Privacy Rights Policies.” All educational institutions are subject to the same laws and similar policies as those stated on the Bowdoin website: <a href=“Dean of Students | Bowdoin College”>Dean of Students | Bowdoin College;

<p>I want to state clearly again that I think Kgal has handled this situation with great maturity, and were she my daughter I would be truly proud of her. However, it’s too bad the university appears to be penalizing Kgal for doing the right thing in this case.</p>

<p>To the OP, I think some of the parents on this thread who are urging that your parents contact the President of the University, legal counsel etc., are way out of line. While I think it is horrible that the Dean of Students did not return a phone call from any parent, let alone several phone calls, however with regard to your issues (not those of the rm) the university most likely considers that it has done what it needs to - you can change your room. I think it is bad public relations, but as to your issues, not much more. Yes you had a terrible burden, and the rm is in serious condition, but actually, in a large university, this is probably nothing new - to the administration. Does the University really owe the OP resolution with regard to the rm’s issues? I don’t see that.</p>

<p>I am sorry that it has taken the entire semester for them to offer you a room change. That was probably needlessly too long, since in a large place people do leave during the semester. I am sorry for the rm’s issues, but at this point, there is nothing more that you can do. People have to want to help themselves. The university probably could have done more, and perhaps some colleges actually do more, but I am not sure that it is really true. There is another thread up with reference to an article where a student had to leave Princeton for a while due to mental health issues. It isn’t exactly that Princeton ran in there and supported that kid in his troubles. I have heard of other small LAC where student issues also were not addressed in the way that some of the parents here seem to expect. </p>

<p>My own experience is that it is almost unheard of for the complaining roommate to get to stay in the room. A friend’s kid had a drug user as a rm, and the housing office allowed the complaining person to leave. My own H had a similar problem with rm way back when, and the result was the same, H left the room. I also had some rm issues, but nothing dire, just complete inconsideration and terrible stress, and I too was allowed to change rooms. You would have thought that the drug users could have been evicted from university housing, but this did not happen. Apparently from reading cc, that type of thing does happen in some schools - we have seen parents and students post as much. In any case OP, your rm did not do anything meriting eviction, so how can the parents here insist that she be evicted?</p>

<p>I wish you all the best, OP. In terms of your own issue with regard to honors housing, I would be in touch with the housing office, and make the person who does the room changes your best friend. If there really and truly is no opening, then you have no option, but if something came up, why shouldn’t you get a high priority for the room? That is the question that I would ask. If your parents can stop in and speak to the housing administrator regarding the honors dorm issue, then that might be ok too. They might not speak to your parents without you - just a thought.</p>

<p>"To the OP, I think some of the parents on this thread who are urging that your parents contact the President of the University, legal counsel etc., are way out of line. "</p>

<p>Going up the chain of command is a suggestion, and as a professor at a large university, is necessary sometimes. I don’t think your comparisons are valid, as the roommate clearly has significant medical issues. A drug user who has not been hospitalized or someone kicking you out to “sow their oats” is not the same thing as a very rational fear of finding your roommate dead from suicide or diabetic coma.</p>

<p>Honestly, the whole thing is a mess and material for a book. I believe that the OP will get through this, stronger, but there is nothing I have read to indicate that the roommate, with her many issues, will get through it. The OP’s roommate will likely become a statistic, goodness knows what kind, perhaps at best just a temporary college dropout. And it will be the university’s fault if they did not intervene appropriately.</p>

<p>Remember the thread has moved a lot and there is no method on CC for the OP’s comments to be highlighted or comments from one person grouped together (as far as I know). Thank goodness there is some relief for the OP tomorrow.</p>

<p>I think that you have been showing incredible maturity in dealing with this entire situation however if you were my d, the position taken by the university administration would not be satisfactory to me. You have shown incredible concern for your roommate, way beyond what is traditionally called for. I would be demanding an explanation in writing as well as possibly an in-person meeting with the Director of Housing and the Dean of Students as to how this entire situation has transpired. To my mind, if your roommate is not going to be back next semester, I don’ t see why you should be forced out of honors housing. The lack of response from the Dean of Students is appalling in my mind to both you and to your family. Even if you and your family accept the “resolution” of the situation I would not let this rest. If the Dean of Students is unresponsive, I would definitely be pursuing up the chain of command and to every administration avenue that I could possibly speak with.</p>

<p>Maybe its time for a letter to the editor of your school newspaper. This is outrageous.</p>

<p>Not school newspaper; city newspaper! OP does not have to lead that charge, but REALLY! Right?</p>

<p>OP needs to study for finals and her parents could request from an administrator (not staff) that room be found at the Honors dorm for her for next semester, and request priority (based on this experience) consideration of her application for an RA position.</p>

<p>It would be nice if the school could give her updates to reassure her they are doing something (they can give some updates concerning things that directly affect OP without violating HIIPA or FERPA of her roommate). Even an email saying “Thank you for bringing this to our attention. You may notice some different patterns in the comings and goings of your roommate. If you have further concerns or notice anything distressing, please send your concerns to <a href=“mailto:Jsmith@Univ.edu”>Jsmith@Univ.edu</a>. Because of privacy concerns, we cannot divulge any more information to you, but rest assured, we are working to help your roommate. Please let Jsmith know if you notice anything alarming, and we will fully investigate your concerns.”</p>

<p>Just letting the OP stew in this to the point of worry and affecting her academic performance is cowardly of the University, and morally indefensible.</p>

<p>Oh, there are so many ways to communicate professionally and appropriately to all parties being impacted by a situation without violating a student’s rights under FERPA or patient’s rights under HIPPA. You just have to want to do it.</p>

<p>Hello everyone, I do think the privacy laws have something to do with it. I think it is also why no one returns my parents’ calls - since I am 18 I think I have to do things on my own. </p>

<p>I do have some good news I think. I went over to my new dorm tonight and my card let me in so I got to look around. I looked on my “portal” and it had been updated with my new room and roommate name. I was able to go up to the room and look in it (my card is letting me into both rooms I guess for now), my new roommate wasn’t there but the room looks bigger than my current one and cute with lights and stuff. My new roommate wasn’t there but I wrote her a message saying I am moving in Friday. I looked her up on Facebook and she looks very nice and happy and involved. Of course I have not met her yet so things could go any way but I feel very hopeful and optimistic. The overall quality of the dorm is not as good but I really like the layout of my new room. I am really appreciative of everyone’s support and kind words. I feel like I am approaching the end of the tunnel and I feel much happier. I have learned many lessons through this for sure. I will continue to be a little worried for my roommate - like many have said while I can get out of this situation, she is ultimately the one who needs the university’s help.</p>

<p>kgal – I’m glad the new room (and roommate) look like positive options. I’m also very impressed with your maturity and kindness. Best of luck with finals, and I hope you come back and post after winter break to tell us that the new situation is much more to your liking.</p>

<p>FERPA and HIPAA do NOT prevent the administration from addressing Kgals’ problem, nor communiating what it is doing in furtherance of that to her parents. While it cannot discuss specifics as to the OP’s mental or physical condition, simply IGNORING kgal and her parents is completely outrageous. Forcing her to move out of the Honors dorm, rather than directly dealing with the issue is outrageous. This isn’t just a case of two roommates who can’t get along so one of them moves to a room down the hall; Kgal was actually ousted from the Honors dorm! Kgal is handling this much more calmly than I would. I would be the pit bull they could not ignore until an acceptable resolution occurred, permitting me to stay in my dorm; at least, I think I would. Of course, she does have finals and can’t really be bothered with handling everything on top of that at the moment, a position of which the university is taking full advantage. I’m pretty tired of this, “Circle the wagons and ignore problems, and maybe the people will go away” mentality that seems to be prevalent out there, from what I have read. </p>

<p>But I guess all’s well that ends well. </p>

<p>I just wanted to give an update on how things are going.</p>

<p>The day of the move went pretty well. My mom confronted the dorm director who acted like he had never gotten any emails or phone calls, so that was pretty BS. But we communicated to him that we were disappointed in how it all worked out and he didn’t really seem to care. He had been unhelpful all week - he didn’t even tell me the name of my new dorm/room, I just figured it out through my portal website thing. So that was lame.</p>

<p>I really love my new room and roommate. The set up is way bigger and more efficient, I am not constantly stumbling around in the dark and having to be silent, I feel way more relaxed and happy. My roommate has a lot of friends in the hall that I have gotten to meet. We get along really well. The only thing I am concerned about… and I know everyone is going to get wacked out about this… but I think she has some alcohol in the room… I found a bottle of something tonight, it looked like a bottle of the sparkling apple cider but it wasn’t that, but it also didn’t specifically say a type of alcohol name… and my roommate told me she had an alcohol violation from the beginning of the year… At this point I am two days away from going home for six weeks… I don’t want to start more drama, this is the “party dorm” after all, I know I could “get in trouble” but I feel like I just moved in and I like my situation and I don’t want to have to move again… I haven’t said anything to my parents… If I come back from break and find more then maybe I will say something but do you guys think right now it is okay to just kind of ignore it?</p>

<p>I am editing to add my roommate is kind to me, takes interest in my life, is considerate of when I need to study, and I don’t want to keep feeling like I have to “mom” everyone or be the “girl who cries wolf” with every roommate.</p>

<p>Kids drink even at “dry” schools, so unless your roomie is holding parties in your room or being openly drunk and obnoxious I would let it go. It sound like otherwise things are going really well, so as the saying goes, “don’t borrow trouble.”</p>

<p>Thanks for the update! Very good news. And yes, let it go for now. Have a wonderful break!</p>

<p>Thanks for the update. I am glad things seem to be working out on the positive side for you. I hope that your finals are going well as the semester winds down and that you have a good break and happy holidays and I wish you much luck and a good experience next semester. I will add that if I was your parent(s) I would still be following up with the administration. The dorm director who said that they did not receive the emails. I would print them out, copy them and send them registered receipt to the appropriate administration office along with all the other documentation and I would also share with the “annual fundraising” calls from the university about why they should not be expecting to receive a nickel or a penny from us ever. </p>

<p>My older d once had a very bad experience at a pre-college summer program, partially as a result of a very roommate issue that was never successfully resolved , partly as a result of poorly run academic options and I did take it to very highly ranked administrator of the college where program was being held primarily because I wanted them to know how poorly run the program held on their campus, under their auspices and how the university would never be one that I could consider having any of my daughters consider. </p>

<p>kgal, I agree with the others that you shouldn’t borrow trouble or start worrying about your new roommate at this point. </p>

<p>I also want to emphasize that while I sympathize with the posts here saying you should do this or that (write a letter to the editor, send this or that email), you should also feel free to drop all of this. It’s no longer your problem. The university didn’t handle the situation at all well, but you’re pleased with your new room situation and things look good for next semester. </p>

<p>I hope you have a RELAXING break and you come back re-energized for next semester!</p>