How responsible am I for my roommate?

<p>Your mother, or better yet, both your parents on a conference call could be calling the dean and residential life director this week and limit your involvement so you can focus on finals. If I was your mother, and you lived a reasonable drive from campus, I would be going over there and insisting on a room change and for you to remain in the honors dorm as you deserve.</p>

<p>@kgal1996 , if this was happening to a friend, what would you recommend?</p>

<p>And you might want to ask your mom to read this CC thread, to see what other adults think and how upset we are for you.</p>

<p>Good luck on your finals and hopefully it will all be settled by the spring. Do NOT worry about the move-in deadline, in fact, you can contact the Director of Housing and tell them, that you plan to move within the Honors Dorm because of a matter regarding the Dean of Students, and you just want to give them a head’s up you might not make the deadline - is that okay?</p>

<p>Maybe the Director of Housing can talk to the Dean of Students about settling issues before the deadline?</p>

<p>

These are posts by your roommate on social media. Aren’t any of her family on social media so that they would see them? I’m assuming they are on Facebook? </p>

<p>Have you sent these posts to the Dean of Students? </p>

<p>Updates - yes I sent the posts to my RA and dorm director and they said they would follow up with her. As far as the room situation, I was told there were absolutely no open rooms in the two Honors Dorms (???) but there was a room in one of the other dorms in our quad. Sadly this is one of the biggest party dorms on campus but I guess it is better than nothing. I asked if my card would still allow me into the Honors dorms for access to the nicer study rooms and meetings but apparently that isn’t an option. I am disappointed but feel pretty hopeless as far as changing the situation more. My mom is emailing the dorm director today about it - I will be irritated if my roommate does not return next semester and I still have to move. </p>

<p>I am editing to add I think it will be an okay solution. I am still close to the music building which was important and my friends in the honors dorm can just come let me in when I want to use it. It will be inconvenient but it is only for a semester. I know some friendly girls that live in there so I am going to have them give me a tour so maybe I will be more excited about it. </p>

<p>You have a very good, mature attitude considering all that you are dealing with. I hope you have a really great spring semester where you can focus on your own learning and social activities.</p>

<p>I agree, kgal, you are very mature. I doubt the RA will/can do anything, as hasn’t she been pretty ineffective already? And all she and the dorm director have to do to follow up would be to contact your roommate. If roommate says all is well, they aren’t going to do anything more. </p>

<p>You’d mentioned before that financial aid was an issue with your roommate. Her financial aid must have come through? Is she still sleeping and not going to class? Do you think she can pass her classes? If not, it seems like one way or another that she won’t be around next semester. Please let us know what happens when your mom emails the dorm director today. </p>

<p>Chain of command is key here. A RA is NOT trained for such a complex situation, and the dorm director really does not have any authority. Do you think if the housing director said “Jump!” the dorm director would say “sorry, no can do”?</p>

<p>Even a medical professional has to break confidentiality if someone threatens to murder someone else, or kill themselves. This is an issue for the head of the counseling center or the Dean of Students, directly, because the others, the RA and the dorm director, are like us, trying to figure out what to do. The head of the counseling center and the Dean of Students MUST do something, or they will get their azzes sued off.</p>

<p>IMHO. </p>

<p>Sometimes things have to be elevated. </p>

<p>The Dean of Students did not return your mom’s call? You are kidding me. Sorry, but this college is being run by clowns. You know what folks in your situation do next? They contact the president’s office and the college legal counsel. That usually gets a response because it’s a PITA for the administration. Still, it could save a life. Also, some counselors in the counseling center could have their professional license challenged if you report them to the state for malpractice. Yes, a nuclear move, but this is really beyond belief. </p>

<p>Print, take screen shots of your RM’s posts, add your story and mail them with a letter, stamp and postmark. Also e-mail them (as you’ve already done.) Send them to Dean, President, counseling services. everybody. Put your parents in charge. Your parents know the situation well by now and are on board You though are in an unique situation since you’ve actually lived with her and seen her behavior on a day-to-day basis which is why your story is important. From her posts it sounds life or death and her behavior as described by you makes her threats of suicide very real.
I have a sort of saying I try to follow which is “Not on my watch”. Lots of bad things happen in the world that are too big for me to fix, situations I can’t get involved in, etc. But I try my best to help when I can especially when the stakes get high. Seems you’ve done a great deal towards that goal too. Kudos. But as you know you need to protect yourself also.
Your parents are right (sounds like you have great ones)–you need to let this go for now to study for finals–let them make the decisions. You have been a real trouper and very caring but you have your own life to take care of.
As to the room…
I personally might not put in for the room change if I felt really strongly about staying in Honors and take the chance and just tell them to come up with a room alternative for me in honors. Squeaky wheels do get grease. OTOH, the party dorm might be great–best of both worlds–study at one, party at the other–sounds like you’d just make more friends.</p>

<p>@kgal1996, hope you check in here today and let us know how you’re doing.</p>

<p>Have you ASKED your roommate if she is returning?</p>

<p>As far as updates go they said I can move into my new room in the other dorm as soon as tomorrow. My parents are coming up on Friday to move me.</p>

<p>I did see last night my RA come in to talk to my roommate (presumably) about the posts. I left to shower so I don’t know what happened. </p>

<p>I am a little worried because she has been gone all day - all her stuff, book bag, computer, jacket is here so I don’t think she went home. But she also only had one class today and she should have been here all afternoon. I don’t know what to think. I hate to suspect anything but the only time she is gone this long without her stuff is when something bad is happening. </p>

<p>I asked my director what would happen if my roommate doesn’t return and he said other students would get our room, I have to move regardless. So that sucks. I have not talked to her since being back because she has been in her bed every time I’ve been in the room. But I don’t want to take the chance of staying here and then having her be back next semester. </p>

<p>I know I should be fighting it more but I feel really over it. I got so stressed out that I threw up in the middle of my biology final today. I feel like I have been dragged around so much by everyone that I just want out. I do not want to live here not only with my roommate, but with a director who seems very callous and not on my side at all. There is a reason behind all of this and I have to think maybe God is keeping me from a terrible second semester by making the other dorm available. I know that sounds kind of BS but at this point what am I really fighting for anyway. </p>

<p>I think you are sensing outrage by parents on this forum with the school administration. The school has two levels of employees: administrators and staff. The staff have little power to take exceptions, they carry out policy without any ability to change it. The administrators represent the University and are culpable. These are the Deans, President, Board of Trustees, etc. By not keeping you informed; and particularly by not taking action, they are asking for you to shoulder the responsibility that rightly belongs to the institution. By suggesting that you send the information to them in a way they cannot deny they were aware, people are trying to get the administration to realize they are culpable and need to address the problem. The institution has many more resources available to it than does an individual student or family. Now your Mother is flying the 1,000 miles or whatever out to deal with this problem at the family’s expense, because it has become your family’s and your roommate’s family’s problem.</p>

<p>This is really outrageous- you are compromising your education, quality of life, and finances to subsidize your university- and you will be penalized by being forced to change dorms (as “reward” for your troubles).</p>

<p>You are indeed fortunate to be able to attend university, in the grand scheme of things. However, we each have a role, and the university is shirking its role and placing those responsibilities squarely on your shoulders. And you see the result:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>How is this remotely morally correct?</p>

<p>The outrage you may sense (to the point of people wanting you to reveal the university so it can be avoided at all costs) points to the dysfunction of the school administration.</p>

<p>I hope you will be able to re-take your finals in a less stressful milieu. Please go to the college counseling center and just talk this through with someone there. You need support from someone at that university. You are amazing in your continued even-handedness and compassion, even for your institution, in handling this.</p>

<p>Yes, I fail to see why you should have to leave. It’s quite possible that the Uni already knows the roommate will not be back, so why would you have to move then? Sure they could put a transfer student in your room, but at least you’d still be in the honors dorm.</p>

<p>I am so sorry this is going on and affecting your studies. Keep rattling cages though.</p>

<p>Why are you parents not involved? They are coming to move you? Why are they not going up to speak with the dean and demand for you to stay in your room? Your mother made one call and the dean didn’t return her phone call. I would have called every half an hour until I got to speak with the dean.</p>

<p>I feel like I should note my parents have been involved. My mom has tried making several phone calls, not only to the dean but to some others, and has gotten no where. The university just doesn’t want to talk. She has emailed and gotten no response too. We are hoping to be able to talk to someone Friday but like I have said I am out of state. Both of my parents work full time and I have a younger sibling. I talk to them every day and they are very supportive but they can’t just come here every day to defend me. </p>

<p>I also want to say I go to a large public university in the Midwest. One that thousands and thousands of students go to and that generally is regarded as a great university. None of my friends have had problems - my case seems to be pretty isolated. </p>

<p>Ditto, Oldfort. If this were my child, I would arrive at the school with appointments to see the Dean, University President, Director of Housing etc. And believe me, I would not leave the campus until the problem was resolved to my satisfaction. I am all for allowing students to advocate for themselves, but at this point the OP has done all she can do and the situation is hindering her learning and making her emotionally and physically ill. The University has an obligation to make this right, and needs to do so immediately. Mom and Dad should now protest long and hard until their daughter is provided with the learning environment they are PAYING for!</p>

<p>I would not accept the “no room” situation. That is grossly unfair to you. I would go room to room in your dorm and the other honors dorm and see if ANYONE has a roommate who is moving to another building or maybe transferring, or if they know of anyone in either dorm for you to see today. </p>

<p>If that doesn’t work, I would just stay in my room and go about my business. You can buy a lockbox for your food (ask me how I know these exist ). She will be out of the room sooner rather than later. I cannot imagine why her parents or someone on her social media is not doing anything though…</p>

<p>I am so sorry you are clearly getting sick over this.</p>

<p>Have you considered reaching out to a professor?</p>

<p>As a professor, I have had several students reach out to me with very sad stories. One girl was being beaten up by her roommate as well as money and jewelry stolen. It took a little time, but the roommate was expelled plus the university helped the student get a restraining order. </p>

<p>It seems like you are at ease with changing dorms, this week, just to get out of the situation. It might not be ideal, but it is a solution. Let us hope it helps your situation, and you can get a rest over the break and return to an entirely different situation.</p>

<p>I would NOT let the Dean off the hook by the way, and to tell you that “well, if she leaves, they’ll give the room to two other people not back to you and another roommate”. Really? So you lost your spot because they aren’t doing their job? Work on that aspect of it, unless you will be happy where you are going.</p>

<p>I don’t think anyone if faulting your parents, btw; rather, you’re sensing the outrage we parents feel about the situation you’ve been placed in by negligent players at your school. Your parents seem great and imho seem to have raised one heck of a great kid. But, when they come by to help, your family might want to darken the door of the President’s office. Seriously. And, ask for “an exception to housing policy” to permit you to take a berth in the Honors dorm and not leave your dorm, unless you deeply want to head over to the party dorm. </p>