Junior year is the worst. Too much stress from all the tests and they know they need to do really well this year. Remind him that he is through most of the year now. Are you doing anything fun over the upcoming breaks? Do so, even if it’s just a couple of days out of town. Take some more mental health days. Tell him my kid got through it, and so can he. Does he have any fun summer plans lined up? Have him book concert tickets with friends, or a pro sports match for the end of the school year, or early summer. My D did that, and I have to say it reallynagevbher soemthing to look forward to. She and her friend went to a concert just when final exams were done and it was a great antidote. Good luck to him.
Junior year is, indeed, a hellish experience for many kids. While too much stress is unhealthy, the value of learning to sacrifice and work harder than you want to cannot be understated. Think about it: how much of what we do as adults every day do we really “want” to do? No one dreams of changing diapers and wiping snotty noses. No one is dying to clean the bathroom. No one wants to stay late at work for two months straight to get a big project done. No one likes to get out of bed the first day after DST when it’s dark and rainy. But we have to. Learning to slog through, albeit with the help of planning little rewards and breaks, is a great life skill. Frankly, too few teens these days actually have that ability. Just talk to employers at supermarkets, malls, and swimming pools and they’ll tell you that kids often call out from work because it’s too hot, too cold, they’d rather go to the beach, etc.
The R&R for our D. has always been a huge amount of unrelated ECs. She made sure to continue in the same very busy way thru her college. She knew from the very early age that it helped her, made her plan better, learn to multitask and provides her with great relaxation. She was also a big sleeper and the rule in the house was that she is in bed by 10pm. The next day is wasted if they do not get enough sleep. For references, D. never had a single B in her life from kindergarten all thru graduating from college. She believes that striking for the balanced life made a big positive impact on her success. Being outgoing, social person with great number of friends in various unrelated activities is also very helpful.
Junior year just stinks. D17 is in the same boat, and we’re doing much of the same stuff that previous posters mentioned like a good sleep schedule (the internet shuts off at the router at 9:45, I don’t let them leave before they eat breakfast, etc).
We say “hang in there, keep doing your best, it’ll get easier next year.” Sometimes knowing that there’s a light at the end of the junior year tunnel of hell makes it easier to get through it.
Plus with the daylight savings change, they’re even grumpier than usual. Just let them vent and try not to be too affected by it (this is hard for me, personally, I’m an empathetic fixer).
Sympathies, OP. Junior year is indeed very hard to juggle, but it is good preparation for college. It is a bit odd, actually, that junior year is the toughest year, because then they “get a break” senior year and are therefore more likely to be caught off-guard by college expectations, because how hard they worked junior year to juggle everything is a faint memory. My DD’s stress goes in waves, with the workload; it would certainly be helpful if there was some way for them to avoid this “work wave” phenomenon, but it was a problem for me 30 years ago, so not likely. It does seem like they could figure out a way to avoid having tests in all the AP classes juniors are likely to take within 2 days (happened a couple of weeks ago to my DD). But, that’s life…
One thing we are doing with DD, who tends to be a perfectionist, is to explicitly tell her that B’s are okay. We are also reassuring her explicitly that it is okay to feel lost and confused and “not get it” right away. She has always just gotten things easily, but this year she is having to work a bit more at it, and that can feel unnerving and be a blow to confidence, which then makes everything else crumble. Yes, Physics and Calc are hard … it is completely normal to have moments where you just don’t get it, even for the best students. That doesn’t mean you can’t get it. Yes, shoot for the A’s; do your due diligence in managing your time and doing your work and studying, but find balance and if the result is a B, then fine. And if you are really struggling (e.g., not able to get B’s), let us know and we will work together to find help. She is doing better recently with recognizing the need for sleep and down time on her own, and also recognizing how things like saying she’s going to bed at 10:00 but then not actually getting into bed until 11:00 because she’s fiddling with her phone amidst getting ready for bed are not productive. If you’re tired, then go to bed earlier … but that means actually in bed with lights off earlier…
I don’t think the first half of senior year when they are putting together applications, writing essays and trying to finalize college lists is any picnic either!
We are feeling it here too - seems like this week with daylight savings time, 4 tests and 2 papers - right before a break week, is pretty stressful. Would love to turn off the internet, wi-fi and shut down at 10 but I think my guy could/would circumvent all efforts. Just praying for Friday to get here! Next week he actually has 2 days of downtime before a trip for a school project. Good luck to everyone dealing with this.
^^Mine could, too, it’s not rocket science. But they don’t because it allows them to stop pushing themselves. If it stayed on, they’d keep going. With the internet (and phones) going off at that point it requires them to get their homework done before they do all the other stuff, rather than pushing it off later and later. It’s worked really well for all of us. One night we had to turn it back on to send the taxes, and forgot about it. D17 came down the next night at 11 and blearily asked us “please shut it off” so she could stop working on a physics project. Sometimes they just need that.
@mathmom, true the first part of senior year can be stressful. Our experience with DS was that after Thanksgiving, his college app process was done, so the rest of the year was waiting for responses and just managing his classes. He didn’t exactly slack off in terms of the courses he took senior year (AP Calc BC, AP Physics C E&M, Spanish AP), but it was a lighter load than junior year, when he’d had 4 APs. And to be honest, Spanish AP was hardly a burden because it was almost 100% done in class, with an emphasis on conversation. So it was like going from 4 AP’s to 2 … a relative breeze. He has since said that after such a relatively chill senior year, first semester of college seemed shockingly hard, and he doesn’t think it would have been that way after his junior year. That was the genesis of my comment … him coming out with that reflection after the fall semester of his sophomore year.
Doing it at school is a great solution. I saw my D. doing only History (which was her hardest class) and AP English Lit. at home, but she was into indefinite re-writing and perfecting. When I saw her in this loop, I usually demanded to put it down and stop, enough is enough. Classes like Math, Physics, Spanish, and Chem. were all her easy classes and Chem. remained her easiest science college class which landed her a job in college as an SI. We did not see her doing homework at home for any these. With the good planning, they can free themselves for other activities. Most big assignments are given way ahead of the due date and could be done over the weekend. The Bio was challenging and remained the most challenging at college, but she had taken lots of upper Bio. However, this was also done all at school. Busy after school schedule pushes them to perfect the time management skills, which are essential at college, where they will be much busier than their busiest time in HS.
Yes, junior year is the worst academically but senior year has a lot to manage as well until those applications are all in. Sleep, scheduled downtime and perspective really are the only way to get through it. It is valuable to have the pace as it helps our DC know what type of school they are looking for. Take a hard look at how much testing is really needed. Do not just do it all because a student “might” need it. Spread it out as best as you can. Many schools do not require subject tests at all.
I would second @MiamiDAP’s comment about EC’s. Not that this will solve the OP’s son’s immediate problem, but it’s a good recommendation. If EC’s are activities that really motivate the kid, and are not seen as just another resume builder. Yes, some EC’s are very demanding of time, but they may provide refuge for the mind and body. And they help the resume.
When I was in high school, I always participated in competitive sports (track and cross-country). Good for the body and the mind. Promotes skills of teamwork, leadership. My son participated in debate, which was at least as demanding on his time being involved in a major sport. But it was also an escape and gave him a lot of satisfaction. The same with journalism, which allowed him to write things that were not “on command” but in which he had creative control. These also built his resume and promoted important skills (research, writing, speaking), but this was far from the obvious purpose of debate and journalism for him. Slaking his competitive spirit was at least as important a goal.
Then there are hobbies. No time for that? I think there is or can be, even with a demanding class schedule. And hobbies, like many EC’s, build skills and knowledge that can help a lot in later life? For my son, the hobby was fantasy sports, baseball and football. (He is no jock. But he loves his sports.) How does that help someone to get into a good college? Answer (in a job interview): “I learned how to think strategically. I learned to use spreadsheets and analyze data and statistics.” Lifetime skills. Not to mention, you can gain some rapport with clients and coworkers by talking sports.
When I grew up and started my career, I worked long hours (academic profession). Sometimes students would come up to me and say that they’re working 50-60 hours a week, and they’re exhausted. I would ask them, “How many hours are there in a week?” It always surprised me that most didn’t come up with a quick answer. Official answer: 24x7=168. If you work 50 hours, you have 118 left for everything else. What are you doing in that time? 8 hours of sleep per night? You still have 62 hours “free.” Spend it on your studies or work, or take up a hobby, go to a movie. Whatever – it’s your free time.
I’m speaking about good time management – but also about not getting so hung up on your main, required activities, that you forget how to use your spare hours to rest, relax, recreate, and socialize.
In our family we teach skills for going into crisis mode. It’s about recognizing that sometimes you need to shift into crisis mode for a brief time. When someone in the family is in crisis mode we circle the wagons and provide extra support (rides to school when normally you would walk or take the bus, making lunch for someone, etc.). You are kinder to yourself, take naps, go to bed early, let the dust bunnies pile up and pull underwear directly from the dryer as needed. You triage everything leaving anything that can be undone, undone, putting in half effort when necessary.
There are a few important points to note:
Crisis mode can’t be your regular way of functioning. It needs to be brief and infrequent.
When you aren’t in crisis mode you need to be performing at the top of your game to build up margin for the inevitable times of crisis.
Unfortunately when it comes to school, “crisis mode” has a tendency to pile on in such a way that it lasts until the end of the semester. If not because of workload, it’s because of the mental perception that it isn’t finished until it’s finished (and because leaving things half finished in school will lead to more trouble down the road).
Work tends to be a little more flexible because it’s not as painful to take days off or leave unimportant things undone.
It depends on the EC. Some are very time-consuming, with inflexible schedules. Even if you love to do it, it may eat up so much time that you’re under huge pressure to get your schoolwork done in the remaining time. For example, consider the demands placed on varsity athletes during their sport’s season or the demands placed on kids who are in a school play during the weeks leading up to opening night. Even if a kid loves soccer/basketball/tennis/whatever or acting/stage crew, those time periods can be intense.
I commented on the time issue in my previous post. Really you should do a time analysis. Yes, some EC’s are very demanding, and those demands may intensify and be in conflict with immediate projects or tests for courses. But the EC’s may be worthwhile on their own terms even if there are some trade-offs against academic performance.
In my son’s case, he did most of his “homework” in school, not at home. Spanish in his math class, math in his history class, etc. So he never was stressed about his schoolwork. He also was never stressed about all the testing (ACT, SAT, etc.). He did as well as he could without spending hours and hours on prep. And he did plenty well enough.
This is substantially due to his psychological makeup, I suppose. But it is also related to his keeping things in context. He did not need to achieve perfection. He needed to do well. Given multiple, competing priorities, the single most important thing was to finish assignments on time, not to put a flourish on every academic stroke of the brush.
Whenever these subjects are discussed I am always floored by how many people say their kids get most of their homework done in school. Only occasionally in elementary school and middle school were my kids allowed to start doing homework in class, and it was generally the first problem or two in math–no more than that. Frankly, I would think a student is not in challenging enough classes if he can do the work for one class during another. I’d also suspect his teachers were lazy and apathetic if they didn’t know and/or didn’t care he was doing that. In my kids’ experience, almost nothing gets a teacher angrier than seeing a kid work on another subject in his class.
“Frankly, I would think a student is not in challenging enough classes if he can do the work for one class during another.” - Sorry, you totally misunderstood. There are study halls, breaks, lunch, plenty of time to do the homework. My kid would not be able to do her homework during any class, her classes had at most about 15 kids or less. Everybody basically were in a semicircle in one or two rows. Teacher knew what everybody was doing. And her classes were plenty challenging at her private HS that happened to be #2 among privates in our state. Later in college, she figured out, that her regular HS classes were more challenging than other’s AP classes. Some teachers at her HS simply did not believe in calling classes “AP” and many of them also used to teach at colleges. No angry teachers there!
Yes, I agree. There’s other slack time in the school day to do “homework,” but I know my son also did what I wrote above. His friends used to comment on it and kid him for having the “wrong” book on his desk during class.
I should add that his involvement in debate incentivized getting his class assignments turned in on time, because the debate coach forbade their participation in tournaments if they hadn’t finished their classwork. It’s also the case that my son has strong instinctive time management and multitasking skills. I see it now in his work (his career). He is always working on multiple projects simultaneously, with one or two in the background in his brain or his computer while starting or finishing another.
My son does this as well. When in a time crunch, he will do homework or study during class which makes me wonder… Is he learning anything in school? He says he learns more on his own at home than in class.
He does enjoy his ECs and thought carefully about quitting one of them, but he said it really helped with his stress levels.