Our son is really feeling overwhelmed this semester. A combination of standardized testing, AP classes, and just a heavy workload is starting to weigh him down. He is sleep deprived and says he hates school. I had him take Friday off for a mental health day, but he ended up studying most of the day anyway. What do most parents do when their kids start to feel overwhelmed? It didn’t help that he tried to ask for an extension on his English paper, and the teacher said “no”. She had him mixed up with another kid, and said he had asked for an extension before on previous homework . He did not.
He’s a good kid. Last semester he pulled all A’s and wants to have a another good semester, but frankly, sacrificing his mental and physical health is not worth it. I’ve talked to his high school counselor before regarding his stress and how to manage it, but she was not helpful at all.
Maybe you need to figure out what would be most helpful for your son-what is stressing him out so much. Is he taking too many high level classes-should he drop down in one or more even if capable of getting As in them all. As you said, it is not worth trading in his mental health and his ability to enjoy school for more As in high level classes. Is he putting this stress on himself or is he interpreting his parents non-verbals (or even overt verbalizations) as suggesting that he needs to be top of the class or get A’s. His guidence counselor can’t do anything without identification of the etiology of the pressure he is feeling which only someone who knows him very well can identify.
We already had him drop one Honors class last year which was immensely helpful. The work he gets just comes in waves, and I think he just starts to feel overwhelmed. I think much of his stress ( and probably most kids on CC) is his fear that he would not be admitted to a good college with B’s on his transcript.
How good is good? Students get into good colleges all the time with some B’s. My younger son got into Tufts, U of Chicago (right before it got so popular and he applied EA which had a much bigger acceptance rate that year) and Vassar with B’s in Latin and a handful of other B+s. He took 7 or 8 APs and wrote really good essays and had some nice awards and interesting activities. If one can get out of the mindset that only the Ivy’s are good enough, there are lots of good colleges out there.
For this semester, it’s probably too late to make a real change that will help but not do more harm than good. With school semesters, burnout tends to be the cumulative result of unpleasant events that end when the workload drops off… at the end of the semester. If it’s urgent then by all means, drop a class, but it’s probably better to just tough it out.
In the longer run, it’s the expectations that really start to get to you - good grades, good ECs, good activities that will get you into the best college in the country. It’s best if he can accept that while top colleges matter, a B here or there won’t make an important difference, and it’s best to work at the highest level he is comfortable at rather than going beyond his capabilities and suffering in performance as a result.
My daughter used to get easily stressed and sometimes I had to tell her to “pick and choose” and game her grades a bit, e.g. be diligent in the class with the 89 or 90 and a little less in the one with the 99. And that it is always better to get a 60 or 70 over a zero - turn in something, maybe a draft.
What really helps her is
- a regular bedtime, even if it means getting up 15 minutes early to finish a task or being driven to school and review in the car
- no cell phone or TV after 9 pm
- regular meals
- freshly squeezed juices
- exercise or yoga.
She has learned since 8th grade to listen more to her body and give herself a break. And if it gets too bad, I treat her to a seated 15-minute neck massage at the mall. It does WONDERS!
It looks like we are raising the same kid, sleeplessmom1. I initially thought my wife had gotten on CC.
For us, we are just telling him to suck it up and count down the days until this hellish year is over. Our first two kids were lower stress types. I will hope for some better advice.
Yes, we told him to suck it up too, but the groaning and complaining is really getting to us. He has no real interest in applying to the ivies ( plus his stats are not flawless), and knows that much of the admissions at that level is more of a lottery. Honestly, I would be worried if he did get admitted into a top ten uni., the anxiety attending a competitive school would eat him alive.
Yeah, that’s going to happen. To be perfectly honest there’s nothing you can really do to make it better when it’s already this far into the school year, other than offer sympathy and a long-term outlook. Just make sure that the issues are actually addressed rather than brushed off, because burnout can sometimes lead to long-term resentment of academics.
Right there with you. I always tell mine that being miserable is normal junior year. My others got through it but my youngest is really struggling. Her tolerance for pressure is not as strong as the others. Besides tests, tests, tests, she is stage manager for large production going on now, so we are teetering on the edge here. Not enough sleep and she is scary crabby at home, which is where I think she releases the tension which is fine, it has to be let out somewhere. I am trying to help without being annoying - trying to provide good food, taking pressure off where I can, offering to drive her to school, pick up flowers for her desk, special waters, clean up her room a bit more than usual, keeping her car filled with gas, little things…I try to be available - floating around, but not in her face, in case she needs help with anything. Sometimes, she even asks for help, but not often enough.
I was going to talk to the school counselor, but the one assigned to this student isn’t too useful and I fear her knowing stuff may stress mine more. Not sure what she would put in a recommendation, which may be worth the risk if I thought she could be helpful, but I know she wouldn’t be.
She did get a good score on her first ACT so I told her, while it may not get her into top schools that she likes, it is certainly good enough for many she has on her list. So if she wants to be done with testing, she can be, or she can try for a bit higher score and see how it goes, her choice. I want her to take it again, and I know she will, but I think offering the choice to eliminate it and/or decrease subject tests (again not needed for certain schools she likes already) shows that I understand she is overloaded. I think they need to know we realize just how much work it all is. In doing this, she gets a little bit of oomph back to carry on.
I wish yours well, and I feel your pain!
I don’t know if this is possible in his case, but I know another high school student who temporarily dropped out of two extracurricular activities to give himself some breathing room during a difficult semester. The next semester, when he had an easier schedule, he rejoined the two activities.
He’s also scary crabby. He lets out a primal yell every now and then, and it’s driving us nuts. Luckily, he’s winding down one of his ECs so some of the pressure should be off.
The other problem is at this stage, it is hard to make any suggestions whatsoever without getting the hairy eyeball back at me. “Honey, are you drinking enough, did you eat enough today, can you go to bed earlier tonight?” Any of those prompt the glare with silent growl response. Don’t even consider asking if she should turn her phone to silent. :-@ I have to be a ninja and sliver around undetected once she is home from school. This to shall pass, been through it before, just a bit rougher this time.
One less EC can make a huge difference, that’ll be great for him.
Basics- diet, exercise, sleep, perspective.
Make sure he’s not eating every meal out of a paper bag in the back of your car; make sure he’s got time to run around outside or whatever he enjoys for blowing off steam in a physical way, make sure he’s sleeping and above all- perspective.
Nobody’s life was ruined due to a B. Nobody’s career stalled because he or she spent a Sunday baking cookies or sitting with grandma playing gin rummy instead of studying. Doors don’t close because a HS kid opts to attend his 2 year old nephews birthday party instead of cramming for a rest.
Don’t stress him out with all these random family functions but do encourage him to make time for the people who love him (his grandmother doesn’t care about his grades; a toddler will adore anyone who will pay attention to him, even someone with an imperfect transcript.)
You get my point. Big hug to you.
Really? ECs are adding pressure? I thought ECs would be a pressure release (do things you want to do).
Thank you all for your kind words of advice. I know that everyone eventually comes out of the college admissions process ok in the end.
Blossom- Are you psychic? He does eat breakfast every morning in the car since he can barely rouse himself up in time for school. You are right, his grandmother loves him and tells him all the time she doesn’t care about his grades, and his toddler cousins all adore him. We have a large extended family, and I think that helps a lot.
What grade is he in?
Hmm @“Erin’s Dad”, can’t get entirely on board that notion. My son really enjoys his EC’s, but they still eat up a lot of time and can add to his stress level considerably if he’s in a work crunch and is struggling to find enough hours in the week to get it all done.
Is he a junior?
Yes