<p>Maybe this has been discussed before, but I haven't seen it mentioned. I know no one can give me an answer here, but I would like to see some discussion and get some opinions on how you may have handled a situation where you have one child that chooses a 50k school when the others attend a state university. How do you justify the inequity of the cost with the siblings?</p>
<p>Fair is not always equal. If you had one child who needed braces, would you get braces for all three? </p>
<p>Did all three of your kids get the OPTION of choosing a $50K school? If so, don’t worry about it if the other two chose a less expensive option and are happy doing so.</p>
<p>In our house (and this does vary from family to family), we didn’t put price restrictions on our first child. Fortunately, our financial situation didn’t change and we didn’t have to put a price restriction on the second child. I will tell you, however, child 2 almost chose a school that was very very inexpensive compared to child 1. If that had been the case, we would have been fine with it. </p>
<p>I guess I would be more worried if you told two kids they could NOT go to a $50K school when they really had good reasons for choosing one. BUT then allowed the third kid to go there. </p>
<p>If all of your kids are happy with their college choices, and so are you…don’t worry about the price differential. Fair isn’t always equal.</p>
<p>I would imagine that parents take a few different approaches…</p>
<p>1) Tell each kid that the parents will pay for the cost of state school and anything over that the child is responsible for.</p>
<p>2) Tell each kid that you’ve dedicated X for their education, and whatever they don’t spend can be used towards prof school or a down on a house</p>
<p>3) If one child has some disability and requires attending an expensive school, then the others need to just “understand.”</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t like when one child is a bit of a “resource hog” which causes parents to spend a lot more on that child, resulting in less for the others. I think it causes resentment in families that can last a lifetime. </p>
<p>My sibs and I are in the midst of this. </p>
<p>One sis is paying $55k per year for son at Vandy. Now, she’s trying to go cheaper on son #2 because she doesn’t want to spend $100k each year (yes, they have the money). I’ve warned her that that might cause problems, which SHE should be aware of since she always resented that my parents spent more on our youngest sister.</p>
<p>One brother has done option #1 </p>
<p>The other sibs and I have done option #2 </p>
<p>One sibling has 7 kids, one sibling has 5 kids, 2 siblings have 4 kids each, the rest have 2 or 3 kids.</p>
<p>The first had been interested in a couple of 50K schools. We told her we could not pay the full amount. We are older parents, husband is self employed and we cannot at our age go into debt for college. We told her if she attended the state school she could come out owing nothing, but if she attended the private she would have to assume some of the debt. She is an easy going kid, dropped the idea of the private, went into the state Honors Program and is happy. She worked through high school and has saved for spending money and study abroad. She also works hard to maintain a music scholarship even thought she is not a music major.
The current senior is less comfortable socially, has not worked, wants to double major in English/History. The small college seems like it would be an easy social fit for her. It is a very selective LAC, but both the states to which she has been accepted are very good-with good Honors Programs at both. We are not eligible for FA and are waiting to see if she gets significant merit money at the LACs. Her stats are very good. We would have to take $$ from our savings/retirement to supplement what the monthly charge would be. It would be a tight for us to do this. (She was offered a full ride at the local state u, but we will most likely decline as the lack of status could hurt her future chances for post graduate studies.)</p>
<p>The last has already stated he wants the big state experience in two years. The bigger the crowd the better for him.</p>
<p>I know things aren’t always fair, but it is such a big chunk of a difference. And what am I saying to the first who has worked and saved and the second couldn’t be bothered and seems to have a sense of entitlement?</p>
<p>*the second couldn’t be bothered and seems to have a sense of entitlement? *</p>
<p>This is what I was referring to as being a resource hog. :)</p>
<p>If anything, I would have her at least do the free ride for 2 years and then transfer to a better name if you think that is her only hope for grad school. At least this will minimize the total cost.</p>
<p>There are times when it is certainly tempting and it’s not off the table yet. The main concern for her and us is the social aspect. She has hid her head in literature for years, but now is craving a more social life. We are concerned the local university would not offer much. She would live there, but she is friends with some current students who say the social scene is not good. I would also assume this to be true, most students commute.</p>
<p>But sometimes it can be confusing - the first child is in school by themself -but when the second child goes in the financial aid/need based merit aid may change. Also, by the time the third one comes along, if you’ve spent a lot of your savings, the financial aid equation changes again. So the third one could cost less, even going to a similar school.</p>
<p>On the other side, if child 1 goes to the state school during the good economy of a few years ago, when aid was more plentiful, and now tuition has increased and aid is not as good…</p>
<p>I’m just saying that the 3 college attendances are not indepent financial events - they are all related in some way.</p>
<p>We have one in a 50K+ school and one at the flagship state u. In our case the one at the expensive private actually costs us less since his financial aid is very good. But as a general answer to your question, we handle it like Thumper. The aim is to get both through to their BA. If one costs more than the other, that isn’t relavent to us.</p>
<p>My kid at the expensive private is expected to work summers and contribute a couple thousand dollars to his tuition, which he does. My kid at State U also works summers but doesn’t earn as much. We have a deal where whatever percentage of his total summer earnings has to go toward school, she has to contribute the same percentage of her (somewhat lower) summer income. They’re both quite comfortable with that arrangement.</p>
<p>We consider our resources to be available to them as needed toward the long-range goal of getting them through undergrad, but not dollar-for-dollar.</p>
<p>What about the other choices?</p>
<p>Did she apply to any schools that have a social life which will give her merit?</p>
<p>I agree that nothing will be equal “dollar for dollar” for a variety of reasons (inflation for one), and if a sibling can get great aid/merit at a private that makes the cost similar to the public then I don’t see anyone having reason to complain. </p>
<p>However, if the rest of the family will have to go on some ridiculous financial diet because one child’s education is costing a lot more than everyone else’s (for no significant reason), then that could be an issue.</p>
<p>I do appreciate the comments and suggestions. It is helping to get H to talk more about it. Thus far I have felt like I was talking to an ostrich. This whole thing is tearing me apart.</p>
<p>I know you didn’t ask for this advice…but I noticed you were planning to take money out of your retirement to pay some college costs. PLEASE speak to a financial advisor before you withdraw money from your retirement. Especially since you are close to retirement age, this may not be such a good idea. Our financial advisor told us NOT to take money from our retirement accounts at all. He said that we should take out a loan if needed. The bottom line for us was that we would likely never make up the lost money AND interest if we removed the money from our retirement accounts thus reducing our retirement benefit. BUT we COULD pay a loan payment with our retirement income.</p>
<p>We agree that it can never be dollar for dollar. She has gotten good money even at the state schools, making it easier than we would have ever hoped for. This is true for D1 as well. If the LAC merit money would make it close to the state costs–say 10K or less, we can do that and I wouldn’t feel too bad about that money difference. I am not sure the amount of merit money with no need based would bring it at all close to the state costs. </p>
<p>The social life at the state schools in the Honors programs could very well be as good as if not better than the small LAC. It might not be as easy at first. I try to tell her she has to MAKE it happen. She is a little “quirkier” than the average kid, somewhat of an intellectual snob at times. She would not be interested in the big crowd football scene at the one state school and the other has a fair amount of students involved with the greek system–They were financial safeties. D1 goes to the more greek one. D2 fears she will be seen as the “younger sister”.</p>
<p>One more question. The local state u scholarship committee needs a response by mid March so they can offer the $$ to someone else, but we won’t have the acceptance notices and FA information from the LACs until the end of the month. Would it be bad to write to the LACs and ask if there is any way they could give us their admissions decision and FA information early because of these circumstances? We did receive an “early write” unexpectedly this past week from one LAC, but still don’t know of all the FA information.</p>
<p>Thumpers’ retirement advice is very good.</p>
<p>Also…I know that this situation can vary in families - especially if a family has one boy and one girl. Some parents might think…well, S’s education cost us more, but D’s wedding will cost us more…or some other variation. </p>
<p>I do think it becomes more complicated when there are more than 2 kids in a family. I think when parents don’t make somewhat of an effort to fairly spend on their kids, resentment occurs. In my H’s family, for some bizarre reason, the boys had to pay for their own educations, but the girls didn’t. The boys resented having to start out their adult lives with student loans, while their sisters did not.</p>
<p>One more question. The local state u scholarship committee needs a response by mid March so they can offer the $$ to someone else,</p>
<p>This question has been posted elsewhere, and I think that if your D requests an extension of time to decide, the school has to honor the request. There is some kind of fair practices that colleges are supposed to abide by.</p>
<p>If the school will not cooperate, then your D can still accept the scholarship, wait to find out about others, and then notify the local state and tell them that she’s changed her mind.</p>
<p>Once again, I do appreciate all the advice. This is helping to get the discussion moving and in the open. My husband feels I am misleading you. He is not planning on retiring at the retirement age. I feel he can’t truly predict that. He has been complaining lately of his job becoming more difficult physically as his hands are becoming stiff (he is a chiropractor).</p>
<p>They do state in her letter that if there are special circumstances she can ask for an extension. We also want to be fair to the next person when she is fairly certain she doesn’t want to go there.</p>
<p>She only applied there because I made her when she was not moving fast enough to meet the deadlines for scholarship money. I told her if she applied and was not granted the scholarships that was one thing, but if she didn’t try I was under no obligation to pay a penny for her education. I only wish I had thought of it sooner. It would have saved a lot of grief. The entire burden of meeting deadlines would have been on her as it should be.</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>No one knows really when a person will retire. A person can plan on retiring in X years, but a stroke or serious illness can cause an earlier retirement. You’re not misleading us. 
You’re being careful. :)</p>
<p>Let me tell you this…my H accidentally took too many of his blood pressure medicine and water pills (he forgot that he took them earlier), then sat in the sauna for too long. He passed out. I thought he had a heart attack or stroke. For several hours, I had no idea if my H was going to die or be disabled. It really was a wake-up call that you never know what can happen.</p>
<p>My friend’s H was one of the profs that was shot at UA Huntsville. Their lives are changed. You just never know what’s going to happen in the future.</p>
<p>You are certainly correct there. I work as a speech pathologist. I see everyday how a stroke can change the lives of families. There have been times when I question whether I will actually make it through this D’s college decision. As a parent you just want your kids to be happy, but I have to keep reminding myself that being happy is her decision and responsibility.</p>
<p>We’ve told our kids all along that we have saved to pay for full tuition at a state university. If they get scholarships there, they have cash at the end. If they get scholarships to a more expensive school, it can be a wash. If their dream is a school we will not pay 100% for, the debt incurred will be theirs. Even as two working professionals, a $200,000 undergraduate education seems like a frivolous waste of resources. Both of our kids are likely to go to graduate school…where the investment starts to make more sense…particularly if there is no debt from the undergraduate program. This decision has been placed squarely where it belongs, we think. In the hands of our kids. We’ve done our part.</p>
<p>Here is how it worked in our family – my sister is 4 yrs older than I, so only year of college overlapped. I went to a more expensive school. My sister went to the local state U. My parents bought her a car, paid the insurance, and paid for her sorority dues for four years. They did not buy me these things. So, they gave her some more stuff and I went to a more expensive school. It worked out fine. We have no resentment and it is thirty years later.</p>