How to get D to ignore the comments and peer pressure on her college choices?

Parent Cafe
1

Any advice on helping my D ignore the peer pressure and comments from her friends concerning her college plans?

My D has better grades and scores than her friends, and can get into some very good schools. She received large scholarships from her safeties, accepted into the honors colleges/programs (generally need > 1400 SAT), etc. But, some of these schools are also where “the kid in her HS with a 950 SAT is going”.

Due to a medical issue, we wanted her to be within a few hours drive (we’re in NJ), so her options were more limited. Unfortunately we don’t qualify for need, so the state flagship (Rutgers) is just too expensive and not worth it.

She knows what she’s been offered so far are great, that she’ll be in the top 5% of kids at the school(s) and once everyone is at college, what her friends said will no longer matter… but right now its making her not be happy about her options.

There’s still a few more decisions to come on (some ivy’s) but if they are a no I want her to not feel like she’s settling… and she didn’t until she her friends (and their parents) all started in with the “you could do so much better” type comments…

anyway, partially venting, partially asking for any advice I can give her…

2

I find this kind of pressure can be worse than waiting for admission decisions! You, and she, will be in a much better position attending an affordable school than those who find themselves struggling semester after semester trying to find the money to go to their “perfect” school. Many HS students and their parents don’t have much grasp on how the whole thing works. She can tell them she hopes to come out on the other end debt free, with a solid education that will allow her to be more open with life choices after college. Otherwise, just smile and nod.

3

I would just keep feeding her with the positives of the school. Tell her how excited you are that she got into the honors college, what an honor it is and how selective. Look up some stats so you can say things like, “Did you know that only the top 5% of students at the college are selected for the honors program?” and “College X has one of the finest programs in Y in all the Northeast.” and “The average SAT score in the honors program is higher than the average at [whatever elite college her friends are salivating over].” Don’t be surprised to hear your words coming out of her mouth.

4

@Schadret

We went through a version of your story. Our D received a full ride (tuition plus room and board) from an “lowly” OOS public flagship, based on merit. We essentially told her we couldn’t pass that up. She was not happy about it. She wanted prestige.

She did get in more prestigious schools, even her “dream school”, but the cost was too high. We made the mistake of letting her apply to some schools we could not afford, or would not be willing to spend the money on, especially with a full ride on the table.

Some things that helped us — it helped when we shut our mouths and stopped trying to convince her how amazing this full ride opportunity was. It helped when we gave her the space and time to settle at school and make a life there. It helped when we kept our mouths shut when she complained about some of her classmates, her “easy” classes, and her professors. It helped when we said, firmly but kindly, no, when she wanted to transfer out.

Our D went to a small private HS (on scholarship) with a lot of students from affluent families. She had two friends from poor families who got incredible scholarships at Top 20s. She had friends who did not have her stats who went off to prestigious schools, apparently without money concerns. We were in the middle and had to find a really good deal; something we could afford, so full tuition or plus. If we had the money, she could have gone prestige. She knew that and it was hard on her to come to terms with it.

In addition, she is no dummy. She could see the adults in her life (teachers, parents of her friends, acquaintances) LIGHT UP when someone would say they were going to attend University of Prestigious Elite School in the fall. Then, she’d get tight polite smiles when she said where she was going. She said it hung in the air. Oh. We thought you were a great student. We thought you’d be one of those kids going to a Top 20. She said she felt ashamed.

We suggested she wear her scholarship proudly, but it fell on deaf ears. She just needed to work through it. We spouted helpful cliches. Swim in Your Own Lane! She still just needed to work through it. Time healed it.

A therapist helped. Not only with the full ride “consolation prize”, but with boys, friends, mean girls, parents, the whole transition.

I can reassure you that this will all be in the rearview mirror soon after May 1. Even further in the rearview mirror when your daughter is making her way at her new college and shaking off the worst of high school.

Our stress filled application season and stress filled acceptance season and stress filled summer before college is all behind us now. D (sophomore) is making the most of the opportunities in front of her and loves her school and the life she is building there.

5

@Schadret Back in the day I went to Rutgers instead of my dream selective LAC due to cost. I ended up having a great experience in the Honors Program. I know your child is considering other NJ schools (Rowan? TCNJ? perhaps). They are both great schools and an honors program education at low cost is a wonderful opportunity and a testament to her hard work. She should feel very proud. No need for her to explain a thing. Smile and nod.

I agree with @Sue22 - the “did you know that College X offers Y opportunity?” is a good way to fend off the naysayers. Or simply, “I’m really excited to participate in a highly ranked Honors Program and to graduate debt free.”

6

The US is the only first world country I know of where a kid who is academically among the very best in their country has to choose a less elite college in their country because of financial concerns.

Does that strike anyone as screwed up?

7

Oddly, I was just giving a friend of DS a pep talk about the college he is going to attend. Most of DS & friends will be going to “better” colleges than the friend. He seemed very sad and I told him that he was absolutely making the right choice by going to the free college. I reminded him that this was not his terminal degree, but a step on the way. I told him he will be happy he has money for law school and that being the big fish in the small pond will really have benefits when it comes time to apply to law school. It helps that I was also a big fish in a small pond, so I could tell him how I benefited from that. When I came out of the small pond I went directly to a great job that I got because of my awesome references from my professor and the supervisor of my internship that said professor lined up for me. I told him how I was able to have great relationships with my professors and be a leader in several clubs. Keep pushing the best of the bunch angle and how this will really set her apart from the other students there. Also, debt is awful - it’s so wonderful and really an honor to get a full ride anywhere!

8

Yes, sounds screwed up because the system should be willing to motivate and support young people from doing well academically so they can go to any school without financial constraints. I would prefer some of my annual tax go towards supporting these kids.

9

There are a couple of ways to look at this. Being a top student can benefit you in a couple of ways, one is scholarships. Being a top student at good but not prestigious school can have some definite advantages. If you seek out opportunities you will more likely be noticed. Doors can open up that might not if you didn’t stand out. Our second D chose her safety (actually it was her first choice). She has had several opportunities come available because she stands out. She works as an undergraduate assistant and will finish in 3 1/2 years and has enjoyed her experience. We have a friend who was 7th in a class of 732 and went to a school where she was definitely one of the top students. She finished in two years and went on to a much more prestigious school for dentistry.

The other benefit is to be accepted into a prestigious school. I can’t say which route is best though I think the student who chooses the first route might be taking a longer term view. I think when a top student chooses a less selective school they by necessity look beyond college to the working years. The university is a means to an end and is less likely to be the end in and of itself.

10

Tell her to own it. Find the things you both like about it and focus on those. “They have a great xyz program, it is close to home/far from home, has pretty trees, a great gym, or nice students, it is perfect for me” - just throw a couple reasons why it is a good choice. Mentioning financial aspects - merit/aid/costs/debt/no debt/loans etc., is no body else’s business and it just plain crass to do so. Fine to talk about those things being good or bad to your student, but not to anyone other than family. I think trying to justify it to someone else usually means you are trying to justify it to yourself as well.

It’s like in the movie Ladybird when Ladybird asks the rich friend, “Don’t you want to get out of Sacramento and go somewhere else, even like San Francisco?” And the other girl says, “No, I like it here, I want to be a mom. And I don’t like hills.” What could have been thought of as an “inferior decision” by a peer was righteous cause she owned it.

11

All I can say is my middle D is a freshman lacrosse player from NJ as well. She goes to a college that I am sure many here would say is ‘beneath’ her but she is having a great time and she LOVES being in the top of the academic heap. It helps her manage her school/activity ratio and she isn’t overly stressed about the course work all the time. Most of the kids in her HS never even heard of her college. I always tell my kids in a few years you won’t give a flip what all those other kids thought.

Edited to add she will be THRILLED when she graduates not in a giant mountain of debt (and will be having the last laugh on that one)

12

One angle: Now that college costs more than a quarter of a million dollars, choosing an affordable school reflects intelligence. Debt limits future opportunities. Being a big fish enhances those opportunities. Unless a family is wealthy or qualifies for aid that makes a school quite affordable, the smart money is on merit aid or a less expensive school. Look for fit among such schools and feel proud about leveraging your intelligence for a truly affordable but great education, less debt, being a standout. High school friends overvalue the elite schools, as if this were forty years ago and private college were affordable. Adults understand the outsized costs and value thriftiness and maximizing future opportunity. Now that full tuition is out of reach for most families that don’t qualify for need-based aid, it’s no longer where you go, it’s what you do there. Feel good about working the system and rejecting the conventional, outdated, overprivileged perspective. Employers will respect your common sense, humility, scrappiness and unshelteredness.

13

I’ve seen so many successful colleagues and extended family boast about their kid’s elite acceptances from December to March … but by May to August their smart kid is headed to a lower-tier private or public due to cost (typically after merit awards).

This is one of those spotlight effect phenomenons in which teens tend to believe they are being noticed/judged far more than they really are.

14

@PurpleTitan If you were the king … how would you remedy the situation?

  • lower the costs across the board?
  • subsidize tuition for all “qualified” applicants?
  • who would make up the lost revenue?
  • who would determine what is qualified?
  • remove costly federal compliance burdens such as title 9 etc?

By the way … seems like many of the wealthiest, best and brightest of other first world countries send their kids to our colleges … so maybe our colleges are indeed the best.

Regardless, I would love to hear your solution to said problem.

15

I would refer your child to a NY Times article from last year -

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/01/18/upshot/some-colleges-have-more-students-from-the-top-1-percent-than-the-bottom-60.html

Colleges are businesses that cater to the very wealthy. And, just as it is their business to find rich applicants … it is your job to find the best education you can afford.

16

Dean Wormer: Tuition-free publics (both in-state and OOS), like Germany has. Yes, that means higher taxes.

And yes, we have many of the best colleges/unis in the world. I didn’t dispute that they weren’t. Our private elites also have a ton of goodies. They’re also the costliest (by far for middle/upper-middle-class class citizens). I’ve mentioned before that any kid in the EU can get an Oxbridge education (if they qualify academically) at what is equivalent to reasonable in-state rates for us.

17

Those elite schools sit on billions of tax exempt endowment funds. They reap billions in subsidies from the taxpayers.

Seems we already make a very serious investment in education.

Now, I am one of those upper middle class parents with more than one child who finds it impossible to be a full pay … so I am open to any possible way to knock the cost down.

The current system rewards the very wealthy and the poor who achieve against stacked odds. The vast majority have a tougher hill to climb. However, taking a scholarship at a school in the top 50 LAC as opposed to going to Williams or Amherst as a full pay is not a tragedy. Likewise, going to a state school like Virginia or Florida is not a tragedy. Life is full of choices.

18

Isn’t the core issue that in other first world countries, no one would ever think of saying “Colleges are businesses that cater to the very wealthy”?

They might complain that the odds are stacked in favor of certain groups like the wealthy, but they would never consider that catering to the wealthy could actually be the mission of an educational institution.

19

No, it is not the core issue.

20

@Twoin18 Would you deny that elite schools cater to the very wealthy?

Read this - https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/01/18/upshot/some-colleges-have-more-students-from-the-top-1-percent-than-the-bottom-60.html