“Then someone else said “now he has a safety” (that was actually the best school, at least for academics, that the kid had applied to).”
I read that differently. As a compliment that he will do well and smart enough to go higher (which may or may not be true but isn’t part of the equation). I don’t think it was meant as a slam at all.
“You could pay so much more…”
A huge lesson in life is how to go your own way confidently. Just tell her to start now, work on it, and know that there will be more life choices she’ll make that’ll be doubted and require some fortitude. There are upsides to this particular choice that she can work with (ie medical, financial and being the big fish), but honestly believing she’s on the best path is a skill, and one worth developing for its own sake.
Also, tell her big choices are rarely uncomplicated and hers involves medical and financial concerns that her classmates probably don’t have to factor in. Considering more than taste is why she doesn’t eat ice cream for every meal. On the other hand there’s something cool about most schools, so once she finds it at her choice she’ll get to have ice cream with her meals. That’s what adults do.
@sahmkc Clearly, the kids the OPs DD are going to school with are not like your DD and don’t understand the financial pressure other families might be under to send their kid to college, or this thread wouldn’t exist. No assumptions on my part, and certainly not about your daughter.
@Tigerle Sorry - It’s a real hot button for me. I grew up very lower middle class and often felt judged for that. I had no idea how much judging my kids would experience for having parents who were “wealthy” (upper middle class). Both my DH and I went to state schools (and not highly ranked ones like UTexas) so you can definitely use a state school as a jumping off point for a great life.
I think another major reason for these types of “Oh why isn’t D going to prestige U”, could be ignorance about the college process. If you have an average student or a student who has not gone through the process, they may be speaking out of ignorance. Some people think that top students just get merit money thrown at them from every school or that getting into prestige U is a given - which those of us at CC know not to be true. One of DS’s classmate’s mom told me at the beginning of junior year “I expect D to get into top school with a full ride.” Um no that was not realistic and I think it has been quite a rude awaking so far for them in their process. I think there are some people who really don’t know because they planned on sending their kid to a state U.
Also, parents may be drawing from their experiences and expectations from a generation ago, when expensive colleges were much cheaper and top colleges were much easier to get in to.
@sahmkc , coming from a tuition free European public university, making whoopee on a very generous merit scholarship for my COL and having middle class parents who could have helped me out anytime if I had needed it, I had NO idea what kind of financial pressures some of my American classmates, despite their financial aid and scholarships (and their middle class parents!), were under. I am sure I came across as insensitive many times.
Conversely, those same classmates had no way of understanding the organisational and academic pressures we European state school kids were under back home, where there was no support or handholding and no consistent teaching just high stakes exams, exams, exams.
I don’t think kids should br blamed or judged for not understanding an experience they haven’t had.
All we can do as parents is what you are doing - teach them empathy and gratitude, and to try and hold their judgment. I swear that for every thread where someone complains of feeling judged for sending their child to a lower cost school, there is another by someone who feels judged for aiming high.
I have 2 kids getting ready to transition from undergrad to grad school. The financial wheeling & dealing are different for grad school, but for sure students with gaudy GPAs, great letters of recommendation, and interesting research & internships have the best shot getting in the better grad schools & getting good financial deals. So tell her it’s a springboard to a better grad school situation.
Prestige is overrated and expensive. The only people it really matters to are high school students, and that’s only because they don’t know how the adult world works yet. They’re still kids. Settling is not a bad word at all. You choose what college works and what you can afford. You’ll be surprised how many ivy league qualified students choose scholarships instead. It’s a smart sensible option and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. My wife got into Yale when she graduated, but decided to go yo UT-Austin on a scholarship instead. Good thing she did, because I never would’ve met her if she went to Yale…I’m not smart enough. She also graduated debt free, which helped a lot, because I had to take out loans for my schooling.
So true! This is my D1’s experience exactly.
@moooop: “So tell her it’s a springboard to a better grad school situation.”
Very true.
I sometimes get the feeling that many people on CC think that life is over and people die right after attending undergrad. It doesn’t seem to occur to them that there are multiple paths to virtually any goal in this country.
I’m actually hard-pressed to think of any goal that is absolutely shut off to someone who attends a cheaper school because of affordability (assuming that you have/can save for 1/2 years of an elite Masters/MBA program).
Prestige isn’t the only reason to go to elite schools. Talented peers, great professors and funded summer opportunities for a couple of examples
Our family’s college decisions were totally based on cost, don’t get me wrong.
But if posters here are not getting financial aid from an Ivy, then their income, in my world, is pretty darn high and I would try to swing for the school my kid most wants to go to, and pay. (Harvard has aid for incomes up to $180k).
I know this is different from the consensus on here.
One of my kids got into an Ivy and a state U and I wanted him to go to the state U due to excellence in his major there and a cost difference (this was before that Ivy got rid of loans, about 10 years ago). He wanted to go to the Ivy, and got summer jobs that helped pay (the school he attended helped with that).
I have to say that attending the Ivy totally altered his life course. Sorry, but it’s true. And I was wrong to push the state U.
Of course a student can do fine at less-known schools with great scholarships. Isn’t that obvious? I attended a top school at the traditional age and later went to an urban state school, and thrived there. I was noticed and given opportunities for seminars, tutoring and other things.
Forget prestige or no prestige. Those are NOT factors for decision-making. But if you look at quality of education, especially rigor, and also the presence of interesting peers from all over the world, there ARE legit reasons to pay for an Ivy if your income makes it at all possible.
But no loans! If loans are in the picture, absolutely go with the affordable option.
It’s no one else’s business.
Not helpful, I know. How about a little TMI: instead of, “I’m headed to U of XXX”, she says “I’m going to U of XXX on a full scholarship!”
That much money is also prestigious.
@DeanWormer about the sticker on the SUV. As it turns out, my back window is too dark to show a window film. The rear end door is not magnetic, so no magnet stickers. No one puts a permasticker in their car these days. I’m SOL I guess. Sending my kid to Michigan was a total waste! Lol!
First of all, at this point in their lives, everyone is interested in where they are going to school…for like 6 months. After that it is a done deal and nobody really cares. Like when you are having a baby…everyone has thoughts about the baby’s name, but once it is born and named, they just accept this is baby George and that is it.
Malcolm Gladwell writes that it is better to be a big fish in a small pond.
http://www.businessinsider.com/malcolm-gladwells-david-and-goliath-2013-10
I hope she applied to TCNJ…my daughter goes there! Great value!
It’s always good to get into one of HYPSM even if you decide not to go, so you can say “I got into Yale but chose to go to so and so state school or OOS Honors College on full scholarship.” I personally thought it was a cool thing to do even when I could afford the full pay. You know you had whatever it takes to get into a top ranked college but you yourself chose to take another course. Also, your not going to HYPSM will mess up their yield. Lol
I was a small fish in a big, cold lonely pond called Cornell, and people tell me I exceeded their highest expectation of me, which shows that I did pretty well but also their expectation of me was kinda low so it was hard not to exceed it. Lol
I am ashamed to admit that among the first things I did when my kid got into Stanford REA was to call this acquaintance who every time I bumped into him gushed about how his brilliant kid did so well to get into NYU and was working at some consulting company. I had to make my call as inconspicuous as possible by asking him whether he knew another parent near us whose kid goes to Stanford so I can ask for some advice on whether to go there.
@HRSMom around here, where anything above cc is prestigious, that would definitely impress people. I’m kind of hoping DD’19 gets full tuition at one of these directional publics so I can tell people :))
Regarding Malcolm Gladwell. It seems to me that he had what it took to get into HYPSM if he wanted to – don’t know if he ever applied to one of them – but heck yeah, I believe it would not have made that much difference EITHER way for a kid like Malcolm Gladwell. You have to read his book narrowly and not jump to a wrong conclusion.
For myself, I believe I benefited by going to an Ivy as a relatively poor academic kid – note I never perceived myself as a NOT academically smart person because I could pull off As when it really mattered to me. The reason I say this is because I saw what smart kids at Ivy college were capable of, and I realized I was very capable of achieving high grades if I wanted to. In fact, I graduated with 3.9+ in the final major classes (2.9 overall gpa) without trying hard in Humanities after I switched to this particular major. Had I not gone to this top school, I would always had a lingering question whether I was as smart or capable. College gave me an insight into myself that “Heck, yeah, I am in some sense smarter than even smart kids from an Ivy college” and an attitude of never being impressed with or judging a person based on someone’s college or grades.
Many of kids I knew from college ended up going to Harvard, MIT, Columbia etc. graduate schools or law schools or medical schools, and having interacted with them and seen them up close, I never considered them as smarter than me even if their GPAs were one full point higher than mine.
@websensation I literally laughed out loud at your ‘I am ashamed to admit…’. I did the same when my S got in to Harvard SCEA to those parents who always assumed my kid would be an athlete admit, when not so much. Yeah, more than a few red faces and I am ashamed to admit, I enjoyed every minute of it.
@crimsonmom2019 I realized that I was actually a petty human being, but I excused myself as not having been the person who started it and that I was only a human.
Honestly I’m not a huge fan of making it about the scholarship the student received. That implies that if money weren’t a factor the student would have made a different choice. While it may be true I think other than another upthread poster’s line about the school making an offer the student couldn’t refuse I’d focus on the positives of the school itself.