OP you are not alone. My D heard horrible things from friends and respected teachers bemoaning her choice of schools (not only had no one from our HS gone, but no one had ever heard of it). In fact, 2 years later, I was telling one of those teachers what amazing opportunities my D has, and her response was along the lines "can you imagine what she could have done at school xyz’. OMG.
Its your D’s life. She gets to choose and she has to choose in the financial constraints that you put on her. She gets to live her life in those lines. What she makes of it is entirely up to her. Its a tough lesson, but one she needs to work out for herself. My D cried for weeks, and even went to school questioning her decision. By week 2, there was no more question. She was living her best life. Most of these kids bloom where they’re planted. It is really just a matter of making the conscious decision to make the choice to be positive.
YEEHA for your D! As others have said, OWN it, be proud. She did GREAT because she got a substantial financial offer. I’m assuming that the college has a her major, so play that up, too. Her enthusiasm and your enthusiasm will put people in their place. Be excited and people will think, “Hm, maybe I should have looked at that school, too.” I’ve noticed in my town, which has one of the highest ranked high schools in the state (and nationally ranked), one trend here is actually looking at schools that offer lots of aid, or State Uni that have reasonable OOS tuition and merit aid and many are looking to Canadian schools (we’re a border state). If a school has what your kid needs (major, location, student-body kindred spirits, and an affordable price tag) then celebrate it. She’s a WINNER!
IMHO, the attitude that it’s somehow crass to mention financial concerns or the benefit of graduating debt free is part of the problem. We don’t do our young people (or ourselves) any favors by pretending money isn’t a VERY real factor in these decisions. A 30 y.o. colleague was telling me how many of her peers feel their lives were ruined by the crazy debt they racked up… and costs have only continued to shoot up in the meantime.
Congratulations for having the foresight and courage to make the practical choice.
Return on Investment. Return on Investment. Return on Investment. Going to school on big scholarships = big return on investment. The last thing she needs is to be saddled with debt upon graduation (you don’t need it either). It will severely limit her options and her life. Sure an elite school may get her that top NYC job. And then what happens when she figures out it’s not for her and she wants to open a craft doughnut shop in her home town. She’s stuck.
I told my kid that when he graduates, he’ll get a percentage back of his scholarships as “seed money” to start life. At least it’s gotten him to apply.
I think there can be a lot of honor in saying “I’m going to State U. I am so honored to have received the President’s scholarship to study biology.” I got very good at saying "she receive an offer we couldn’t refuse"without going into all the details. I also say with confidence “it was the right school for her.”
And the child needs to hear how great the offer is, over and over. What a great deal it is to be goin to scool for free. They are 17 or 18. They have no idea how much $25K is, or how long it will take to earn and repay it. Buy the sweatshirt. Buy one for everyone in the family.
I have one daughter who chose a ‘different’ school. Lots of raised eyebrows, and she was starting to question it, but then one teacher was very excited for her as he loves the school, and she never looked back. She fed off his praise, and brought him a coffee mug from orientation. The next year another student from the high school also picked this U. Daughter was a trailblazer!
Imagine what those first few out of staters went through when they picked Alabama! “Where? Why? Are you crazy?” Now it is a good option, saving money while winning national championships.
@twoinanddone , I really like the phrase “they made us an offer we couldn’t refuse.” Possibly followed up by “it’s all about return on investment”. No more than that. The problem is that no matter how great it is to go to College for free and to graduate without debt, the other kids in her wealthy school won’t get it - because for them, that’s going to happen anyway. Free. No debt. For them. Because their parents can afford it.
My son was on the receiving end of comments like this. It’s just rude. We told him early in the process not to talk down other schools because you never know where others are going to end up. The kids who overhear someone trashing the local state school might have that or the local cc as their only option. Your daughter’s friends might not know better, but their parents certainly should.
Some people seem to enjoy cornering students or their families into saying they chose a school for financial reasons. It’s really nobody’s business why you choose a particular school. My son’s first choice was our local university. When people pressed him for reasons why he chose it over other schools, he asked them to explain what was better about his chosen major at the other colleges. They didn’t know, of course, because they didn’t research the other schools. He didn’t mind debating the merits of various schools, but he felt if people were going to challenge his choice they should be able to intelligently back up their opinion with specific, concrete reasons. Most couldn’t, and I’m afraid my son had considerable enjoyment at their expense.
“Your daughter’s friends might not know better, but their parents certainly should.”
Heh. I was recently at a gathering of parents. Someone’s son had landed a full-ride at Truman St. and everyone was congratulatory. Then someone else said “now he has a safety” (that was actually the best school, at least for academics, that the kid had applied to).
@Tigerle “The problem is that no matter how great it is to go to College for free and to graduate without debt, the other kids in her wealthy school won’t get it - because for them, that’s going to happen anyway. Free. No debt. For them. Because their parents can afford it.”
That’s a pretty awful assumption to make about full pay students. Beleive me my kids know how absolutely fortunate they are to have the opportunity to go to college without debt. My DD does not even talk about her college options in front of her BF because she knows that BF is just hoping not have to go to a CC for the first two years. And we have told DD that if BF goes to directional U, we would be 100% happy about her attending with BF. Because I know that she would adjust well to college with BF and happiness is more important than prestige. It is as @austinmshauri said about how kids are raised. I find that most of the students at my kids’ school understand that different families have different financial situations.When a former Teammate of DS was back on break from GTown he congratulated my son on his acceptance to safety U. Son said I’m hoping to get into American U and Friend (who is full pay at GTown) says that would be awesome if you were in DC, we could get together then. He didn’t say - why didn’t you apply to GTown or give any indication that AU was not a great choice even though most people put AU as the 3rd best DC college. Becuase his parents raised him right! When a person says where they are going to college or where their kid is going the answer is “That’s great!” and if you know something about the school say something nice. It’s really not that hard.
It’s incredibly difficult to sell high performing kids on the local state college… even when that college is world reknowned. A kid who has felt at all like a fish out of water can be dramatically against going to the school most of her current classmates will go even though she’s unlikely to ever be in a class with them again. We live within 20 minutes of two very high ranking, competitive public universities but the local kids will take lower ranking schools just because they “feel” they must be better. Peers just add fodder to that fire.
Personally, I only have empathy. I’ve never been successful at convincing a child of mine that they can thrive at a local school. You have some very valid reasons for her to stay close.
My DD’17 is at community college. We visited three 4-year schools and this cc. When was there, she got “the feeling”. She is doing an AAS and will be done in 5 semesters. She is practical and liked the idea of getting all the same major credits done in 5 semesters as she would take in a Bachelor’s (I did my research and this program had as many or more credits in her major as a Bachelor’s- just not the Gen Eds). And of course loved the idea of no debt.
She was top 10 in her class of 50 students, had a 25 ACT. Not stellar stats but had a reputation for being smart. First it was her SS teacher bringing her down because she is “too smart for cc”. Then it was a church member, “why there, you should go to our synod’s school like my kids” (sorry, $100,000 debt is unappealing). She felt bad and I noticed when someone else asked where she was going she tried to say it different by saying the whole name and not the common acronym, I think to try to make it sound better. But then she got over it and has no issues telling people where she is. She is happy there and has roommates that are just like her. She’ll have a nice cushion in the bank when she graduates. She tries to talk it up to her younger sister.
My DD’19 will likely be valedictorian or salutatorian but due to cost we are looking at small Midwest publics. I don’t think anybody will say anything though, seems people around here think everything is great as long as it’s not a “smart kids” going to cc. Although she is looking at Arkansas, and I don’t know if anyone will think that sounds redneck, but when you come from SW Iowa, it’s hard to criticize anything for being redneck
OP Good luck to your daughter and I hope she gets to the point where she can own it!
Admission with full ride (or affordability otherwise) makes the school a safety. Someone who gets into MIT EA with an affordable net price now has MIT as a safety.
Why is there the implication that a safety cannot be a desirable choice, even the first choice?
People are going to be judgmental no matter what decision your D makes.
Our D will be attending a top 20 school, and we got enough financial aid she won’t have to take on debt. It’s still a sacrifice for us, and it wasn’t an easy choice. However, I have been shocked at the number of people who make negative comments to us and and our D who know nothing about our situation. We have had people ask us invasive questions about our financial situation when we told them where our D was going. Even the kids at school have made quite a few negative comments to our D about her school choice; telling her she’s wasting her family’s money, and she will probably hate being in such a competitive environment. She never tells people where she is going to school unless they ask, because she is sick of hearing negative comments.
People tend to think other people’s choices are a reflection of themselves somehow. You just have to let it all slide off your back.
Students who attend an academic “safety” often get opportunities that other students don’t. My kid who attended her safety got invited to dinners with visiting speakers in her major, her pick of the profs to supervise her senior thesis, and an invitation to teach in the writing center, for example.
My kid was accepted to honors at flagship U. Most of his HS class were going to tippy top schools (not flagship) so he felt a bit the same-- until he actually met kids from flagship U on an “honor’s admit day”.
He quickly realized that the students were every bit as smart, very welcoming and flagship U could give him everything he needed plus graduate debt free. “Mom, can we buy a sweatshirt?” was music to my ears.
@PurpleTitan Truman State has amazing academics and their pre-professional programs have tremendous outcomes. I’m not really sure why it’s so hard for people to follow the rule of “If you don’t have something nice to say then say nothing at all!” And parents need to say my kid is going to Directional U with pride. I had a mom practically apologize to me as she was telling her kid was going to a state school. I know there were more prestigious schools her kid could have gone to, but the school she chose was the right one for her and her family.
@sahmkc, oh I know, but the dad was a good sport about it, and his son is a music performance major who is more interested in another college (that I’d never heard of) because evidently that school only uses Steinway pianos.
