A friend’s son is home after his first semester at an out-of-state school. Between immaturity (poor decision making, for example), a learning disability, and physical illness that he hasn’t 100% gotten under control, it wasn’t surprising. He’s at a CC now, with plans to transfer to a closer, smaller school which would be better suited to his learning style. While he probably should have started at a CC, I’m sure pride on everyone’s part kept that option off the table. Mingled with that, the parents probably felt that they were in a no-win situation either way: send him away, knowing it was a crapshoot he’d make it through his first year, or keep him at home going to a CC and their kid hating them for not giving him the opportunity/not believing in him/etc. I feel for them all and hope his health becomes manageable and his academic expectations for himself increase.
Thanks so much for so much wisdom, instructions and knowledge. Appreciated!!
I am a parent now, but I can tell you I had a similar personal experience when I was a student.
Went to a college out of high school that ultimately after 3 semesters I ended up taking a leave of absence from. It wasn’t the right fit, I wasn’t mature enough to handle college, whatever - the reason doesn’t really matter. I was extremely unhappy.
I came home, told my parents I was quitting college. Thankfully, they were supportive but were also clear that quitting college was not an option. I wanted to take the entire semester off (but truly in my mind I wasn’t planning on going back). My parents said I had to take at least two classes. So I enrolled at a local college and took the two classes. My grades were poor, but I completed the credits. Started to wrap my head around going back full time that fall. Figured no big deal I would just graduate a semester later than planned.
Went back full time that fall, and as I started to feel like I was in a better place and made friends there decided I didn’t want to graduate a semester late. So the following summer I took the 9 credits I needed to catch up to my class.
Long story somewhat shorter - I graduated on time, with honors. Eventually went back to school and got an MBA. Own & operate my own business.
Sorry that this seems all about me tooting my own horn - my point is that I wanted to quit college in the worst way and eventually went back for more. I still credit my parents for at least making me stay in school part time. Not sure if I ever would have gone back if I had been totally removed from college for a semester.
Do the best thing you think you should for your son, and I’m sure it will all work out. Best of luck.
I have a child who had similar issues. Came home and went to community college. This child was in a bad place mentally and completely bombed senester at CC. She registered late and had all of the worst professors. Told child to register for classes early but could start looking for a job. At that time child did not want school and argued why they had to register. Child was told that we support getting a job, but if could not find a job then would continue with school. We were not going to get stuck with all of the bad professors again. Was told that they would either be working or going to school, not sitting at home on the couch.
Long story short, turns out that failing semester was the best thing that ever happened. The child I thought was going to quit school and go to work (which we fully supported) turned everything around. The decisions were all on the child. Turns out child wanted us to make the decision for them so they had someone to blame if things didn’t work out. Getting a job scared our child as they knew the opportunities would be limited without education.
Got a 4.0 second semester at CC. Registered for following year at CC and to our surprise announced in July they would be attending a state school in August rather than CC. Has flourished as 4.0 student at a university closer to home and is seriously considering grad school
The decisions were on the student between working and job but sitting at home on the couch was not a choice. That is the choice this child would have chosen if we gave that option and we would be in a much worse place today if that had been allowed
Back in the 80s one of my best friends in high school went from graduating near the top of his private school class to flunking out at the local flagship in under a semester. His parents were separating, he wasn’t feeling school, and he just couch surfed at friends’ places instead of going to class. He took a quarter off, restarted at a CC for a year to get reestablished, and then went to Neighboring Flagship and graduated summa cum laude in Chem Eng. He eventually got his Chemistry PhD from the original flagship and is literally a leader in his industry. He says his parents problems weren’t nearly the only factor in losing a year, just the easiest to point to. (They stayed eventually together.)
Another one of that group left high school a year early (without graduating) to attend a fabulous college frequently worshiped around here. He did well for a couples years, except for the money thing, so he dropped out and eventually settled for a GED. (He tells a funny story about the day he went in to take that test. “Honey, you can’t be done yet, you have to fill it out.” “Oh I’m done.” They hit it off and she let him take all the parts in one chunk and get out of there quickly.) He’s now a VP at a national corporation who came up through operations to lead a large part of the organization.
I went straight to school, drank my way through in four years with As in classes I liked and Cs elsewhere and then took my 3.0gpa home to sleep in my parents’ basement for a few months. I was getting progressively less ready the longer I stayed there.
We all ended up where we were supposed to be, I guess, but the TLDR is not everyone is ready at 18 and sometimes Supposed To Be isn’t what we expected. Stay flexible and supportive.
@howdoipayforthis, Congradulations to your success. I’m just allowing my son some time however, I did tell him that he should at least take 1 class at the cc. Will see!!
I think you are handling things really well by letting him know that It’s not a big deal, and that your love and support are unconditional. It’s kind of a mature thing on his part to realize second term Freshman year that the situation isn’t right before he’s dug a very big financial and academic hole. No rush to figure things out. No need to castrophize by imagining a horrible future. Perhaps offer him the opportunity to talk to a psychologist to help him work through his conflicting emotions, and take it one day at a time. He needs what he needs. It’s not a problem until there is a reason to consider it a problem. Right now, it isn’t.
Great post ClassicRockerDad.
Tell him that you are glad he let you know, and that you are glad he didn’t go back and fail out.
Tell him you want him to have a successful future, whatever that is, so you are going to have him talk to/see someone about the physical and mental issues that are preventing him from going to college.
You now need to balance between letting him figure out what is going on and supporting him vs. enabling him.
So maybe you say something like you would like him to start applying to jobs by the end of the month and he can take his time to figure out if traditional college is what he wants at this point, or would CC or trade school be something to consider.
At the end of the day, all he did was have a rough first semester, and decide he wasn’t ready for that school right now. He didn’t hurt anyone. No one is pregnant, no one has been arrested, no one is in rehab.
Yes, you need to have a talk. First, I would let him know that it’s all OK. He’s human. He’s going to have some missteps. We all do.
Then I would listen. Listen to what he thinks went wrong-- was it simply that going away was a mistake? It’s not a big deal; not all kids need to go away, not all kids should.
Ask whether the thinks it was THAT school, or college in general.
Ask where he sees himself working as an adult. Does he want a career? Would he be happy in a trade? Is he simply so confused that he doesn’t know what he wants?
OK, yes, short term he needs a job. If he’s going to take a semester or two off, he needs to be working.
Determine whether he wants to go to school locally in the fall. If so, then start looking at schools. And remember, online learning is still school; it’s an option he can consider.
I think tough love is for someone who needs the emphasis on “tough.” It doesn’t sound as though that’s your son. It sounds to me as though he got in over his head academically and didn’t know what to do about it. And that’s OK. He’s an 18 year old kid.
So find out what he thinks he needs. If the answer is “I don’t know right now” then that’s OK. He can work part time while he finds his path.
@“Cardinal Fang” has written about their kid’s “gap decade”. Truly, this is not a race. Your child has time to figure things out.
Good Morning, So we was have conversation with my son and my 16 year old daughter reminded my son of a program he was apart of while he was yet in high school. The program offers help with issues or needs until they reach 21. My daughter was able to get the number for the program, my son call than he reached out to them and they talked with him and setup him up to come in. When I made it home he told me that he will be meeting with them and they wanted him to bring in his resume to see what they may have to offer him and to see what else he may need. My son also plays instruments drums/piano/organ so he has been getting some calls.
Thanks Everyone!!!
Wonderful news!!! Thanks for the update.
*. . . and my 16 year old daughter reminded my son of a program he was apart of while he was yet in high school. . . . My daughter was able to get the number for the program, my son call than he reached out to them and they talked with him and setup him up to come in. *
Your 16 year old daughter sounds like she has it together and deserves a hug - at least.
I’ve heard this happen quite a bit, actually. It seems that when it happens, parents wonder “what’s wrong with my kid??”, but then the following year, I hear the same story from someone else (last year, it was my boss who wondered when his daughter was going to get motivated).
Other than the person I know whose son had Autism and just didn’t see the big picture of why he should go to college (he’d only attend classes he liked and flunk the rest), the other kids eventually figured it out. And, honestly, so many students in college haven’t figured it out-- they’re just paying tuition while they screw around and will take a few extra years to graduate… if they ever graduate. At least, you’re not wasting tuition money while he figures it out.
I know everyone has an opinion on this, but my advice is to try not to pressure him. Give it a couple of months and hang back. Let him think about his life and what he wants out of it. Be gentle and if you suspect depression, get him a therapist. And, be an example. Talk about your job with enthusiasm or take up a new hobby, class, etc. (Maybe you two can enroll in a class for fun together?) Talk about things you want to do with your future and he may start thinking about his own.
Autumn901@ This is well thought out and put together… Thank you!!!
I’d recommend several Midwest LACs, Beloit, Knox, Lawrence, Olaf. (Stay away from the small Greek-dominated LACs). Nice bunch of kids, and East Coast home-location (geographical diversity) will give a small bump on admissions. All accept guys w/B averages.
@Autumn901 Look into Millikin. A good music school and their disabilities office is very good. All tutoring is one on one and available for free for any class. Everyone that I know that went to Knox didn’t like it and left.
There are also plenty of instate public U’s other than the flagship in every state. Not all students should go to a top tier ranked school. A smaller school may have the atmosphere one needs.
I would be very kind. This was a serious blow for him, and he clearly had some trouble facing it (since he was all ready to go back until the last second).
I think it is beyond wonderful that he had the good sense to withdraw before wasting any more of your money. I’m sure by now he has started looking or even found a job. It doesn’t matter what it is, since he needs to nurse his wounds right now and regroup. Tons of people succeed in all sorts of ways after a first stumble. The way to make sure it the next try goes better is by showing him he is loved and valued by you.