<p>I have a son, who is 19, and he can't live with us. He has some issues with us and is angry all the time and he just can't be around his brother . Anyway... he is going to a local community college . He hasn't lived with us since last Jan. maybe Feb. He is living basically with anyone who will take him in. Right now the people who he was living with moved away, but they told him that he can contiue living there as long as he pays $100 a month for rent and the utilities. That doesn't sound like much, but he doesn't have a job and he has a misdemeter( I know I spelled that wrong) and he thinks that he may not be able to get a job, plus his self confidence is really low in that area right now. He is going to classes and loves them. He wants to be a counselor, which just makes me laugh every time I say that. I think it is great that he has a goal though. He did get a Pell Grant and he is on acedemic probation this semester to kind of prove himself as far as grade wise. He was on food stamps before he went to college, but now that he is in school he can't get them unless he has a part time job paying at least minimum wage or has a work study.(some stupid law). He did just get the rest of his Pell and is planning to use that for the little bills that he has and food, but that won't go far. Is there anything that he can do to where he could get help to pay expenses for housing. As I said he goes to a community college and therefore there isn't any dorms or anything like that. If he were going to a university he would have access to a dorm and I know a lot of people who get a Pell grant that will pay for that. I just don't know what to do. I dearly love this child, but he can't live at home and he is not technically homeless, but mostly and now doesn't have food or a source of it. Any suggestions anyone? I would go to the college myself and ask, but I am affraid that they may take away the little he has, plus I'm not sure they would talk to me since I am not him ( privacy laws and all that). Please help if anyone knows what to do.</p>
<p>He is your child, why don’t you pay for his room and board? Even if you can’t get along living under the same roof, there is nothing stopping you from supporting him until he gets his degree. It doesn’t sound like he is not being productive now. Maybe by helping out, you will be able to improve your relationship over time.</p>
<p>Many families contribute substantially to the financial support of their kids while the kids are students in college. I notice that you don’t seem to be considering this option. Is there some special reason?</p>
<p>[Cross-posted with Oldfort, who is very smart regardless of whether she happens to agree with me on a particular issue.]</p>
<p>My suggestion would be to call the community college and ask about the availability of student jobs on campus, find out what the opportunities are, and then mention this to your son. If your son had a Work-Study component in his federal financial aid package so much the better, then he’d just have to show proof of eligibility from the aid letter to show he’s good for the Work-Study slots. If not, there are often still opportunities for non-Work-Study jobs on most campuses, especially in dining services. The pay is usually minimum or slightly above but 6 hours a week would give your son that $100 plus some extra for other sundries.</p>
<p>@Marian - actually that’s not true, we don’t always see eye to eye on small stuff, but when it comes to big issues we are on the same page.</p>
<p>First, make sure he is declared an “emancipated,” meaning that your income doesn’t affect his for financial aid.</p>
<p>Second, clarify the food stamp situation. I don’t know what your state laws are, but most states do take into account one’s ongoing education when deciding food stamps.</p>
<p>Third, have him apply for jobs at his community college. I suspect that he’s using his “criminal” background as an excuse not to apply. A misdemeanor is not an impediment to most jobs. </p>
<p>Most community colleges hire students to work in the cafeteria, the library, etc. </p>
<p>You are right about your hunch that you can’t go in yourself. It has to be him. </p>
<p>Lastly, I completely understand your anguish, but realize that he is a 19-year-old man. There is little you can do. All you can do is give him advice, if he asks, and love him. Everything else is up to him.</p>
<p>If it makes you feel better, paying the $100 rent for him as long as he’s enrolled in school. Pay it directly to the people who he has to pay it to. But, and I know this is hard to here, pay it yourself, do not trust the money to him to pay it. I’m a high school teacher, a mother to two teenagers, and an aunt to 18 teenagers or beyond teenagers. He will use it for other things rather than his rent if its up to him.</p>
<p>You are not responsible for his actions or decisions any more. Remind yourself of that. All you can do is sit back, love him, and wait for him to either take flight now, or be ready to help pick up the pieces when he falls.</p>
<p>He has to focus on his education. If he’s already on academic probation, that means he’s too busy partying. And you can’t change that for him. Until he decides that HE wants it, all you can do is love him and be ready to keep telling him that.</p>
<p>19 is an awful age for men. They seem to really struggle with stability and self-respect at that age. They are torn between being kids and being men at that age, and they are having one last change to question who they are and try out different personalities.</p>
<p>I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. There’s no magic wand. Just tell him:</p>
<p>1.) Get your grades up
2.) Talk to the social worker again about foodstamps
3.) Make sure the food stamps and financial aid aren’t being determined using your income. You might have to sign some papers claiming that you aren’t providing him with help for college.</p>
<p>and, lastly, you yourself have to determine if you can afford the $100/month to help at least keep a roof over his head. You can also buy him food, as well. To feed a 19-year-old, it would probably be $60/week. Again, don’t give him the money, give him the food. Ground beef, tuna fish, condiments, chicken, microwave meals, fruit, vegetables, canned means. Nothing fancy, but enough to keep him from being hungry. </p>
<p>Every family has situations like yours, and you were brave to bring it up here. </p>
<p>You are doing the right thing. Just keep loving him and, if its in your spirituality, pray for him. He will grow up in a few years. Probably by 25. Until then, just hang on and be firm in your resolve that he has to be on his own because he has violated the rules you need for your household and its time he set up his own.</p>
<p>(Also, and I strongly suggest this, beg, beg, beg him to not have children until he’s had a steady job for a year or two. That will just make things harder for him and compound the bad choices.)</p>
<p>I find this somewhat confusing. Who is paying his tuition, and with what? I would have thought that that was what his Pell grant was for. Isn’t the maximum Pell grant something like $5,500? That is probably not enough to cover the full cost of room and board in a university dorm, BTW, unless it is a very low cost area, and still leaves tuition to be covered.</p>
<p>If you can possibly afford it, I would suggest that you cover the $100 for his housing plus a bit more for some food. And why exact can’t he get a minimum wage job or work study? Couldn’t he work at a fast food place or something?</p>
<p>Crossposted with mommyde, who has excellent advice.</p>
<p>I somehow thought OP meant he is a probationary admit- not already on academic probation for an issue with college grades.
If he is able to manage his life (the anger and other issues,) more or less, by living on his own, I would offer the $100, if nothing in his legal or finaid status precludes that. But, I’d tie it to an expectation he gets off probation. And, tries for a campus job.</p>
<p>We don’t know the nuts and bolts here, but so many kids have rough transitions to young adulthood. It’s hard to know when our support helps them turn things around versus just prolongs things. Wishing you the best. Many kids who are aware of their own rocky times do make good counselors, of various sorts, later, after they get through this.</p>
<p>A misdemeanor will not keep him from getting a part time, minimum wage job. He needs to suck it up and get to applying! It’s difficult to work part time and go to school - but LOTS of people do it. And LIFE is difficult - so the sooner he gets it together, the sooner he recovers.</p>
<p>On another and related note - Do you believe in him? Do you believe he’s on the right track and really might stay on it this time? If so, then HELP HIM - pay his rent directly to the person he owes. Buy groceries for him, etc. If he were living in your house, you would be paying for his food anyway. When you cook for your family at home, freeze some portions for him.</p>
<p>Not sure you can “emancipate” a 19 year old?</p>
<p>Thank you for the advice, it has really helped. I guess am doing what I can so far. I am not in a position to help pay for anything. I am going to school with a Pell Grant as well. I am bringing him food a couple of times a week and we told him where to go for free food on certain days. I think you all are right as far as him using his misdemener as an excuse not to get a part time job. He did get the rest off his Pell Grant so he is able to pay for rent and other bills for a little while anyway. It won’t last long, but he is trying and he loves school too. I believe he can do whatever he puts his mind to. I don’t know if what he wants to be( A Conselor ) will happen, but he has a goal and he is a smart kid if he will just use what he knows and develp what he doesn’t. We do keep the lines of communication open I let him know that I love him every time I see him. It is a wonder that any of us grow up. I don’t know how my parents made it with nine kids.</p>