1st year of school and son not doing well

Parents Forum
1

I am really beside myself. Son is ending is 1st year as a freshman and at a school that most kids would love it be at. First semester he got 2 Cs, 3 B-. This semester his grades are getting worse. He decided he wasn’t doing good in language so he stopped going and now he has two failing grades in math. Which means these 2 classes will not have a good outcome. As a parent I want to scream at him that he is blowing away a really good opportunity!

He is full pay so we are paying for this as well. He did that out the $5,500 but the rest we are paying for. I was thinking of threatening him that we would not pay for next year and make him take out a student loan and we would cosign so he doesn’t waste our money anymore.

Does anyone have suggestions or advice for me before I go crazy :slight_smile:

2

I’m not a fan of wasting money.

There may be less drastic steps at first, but I may get to the point where I tell him that there’s no point in him going if he doesn’t mature first. Which means taking a leave and working or attending CC.

3

Does he talk of returning to campus in the fall? Maybe he thinks he is done there.

4

I do not think cosigning a loan is a good idea.
I would talk to my student and try to see what is going on. If I thought the student had some hard times but now is ready to take steps to do better I would probably help one more semester and then reconsider after seeing grades.
A lot would depend on the communication between the student and the parent.

5

Chill out, Mom. :slight_smile: He’s not flunking out. He won’t lose a scholarship (unless you were trying to say he had one worth $5,500) He is experiencing what many freshmen in college experience for the first time - real work and competition. It’s humbling! As long as he’s not getting depressed, it’s fine. He has to learn to seek help on his own - be supportive but stay out of the details. This is his journey - you’re just paying for it.

6

@Nurse001

as a parent you should scream at him that he is blowing a really good opportunity.


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I was thinking of threatening him that we would not pay for next year and make him take out a student loan and we would cosign so he doesn't waste our money anymore.<<

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if he begins failing classes, you need to stop merely thinking about threatening him and actually pull the plug on funding. sorry.

why on earth would you cosign a loan for him? he could leave you holding the bag and wasting your money anyway.

purpletitan is right, next year it may be work or Community college. sorry for your difficult situation.

if it’s any consolation my neighbor’s daughter flunked out of East Carolina her freshman year. they pulled the plug and she started community college the following year. it worked out great for her and she got her Associates in Accounting. so CC might be the right solution here.

7

@PurpleTitan I hear you about wasting money. We work very hard to help him with school. We tried everything. Talking with him extensively over Christmas Break (calmly and not so calm :slight_smile: Telling him what would happen money wise if he didn’t try his hardest and get his act together. It feels like he is throwing away all those years working so hard in high school and getting into the school of his choice. It is breaking my heart.

8

Give him a warning. If his fall 2016 grades are the same then it’s time to pull him out and go to CC. To me failing 2 classes and deciding to stop attending another is a big deal.

9

What do you think is really at the bottom of this? Is he partying or did he go greek? What is his roommate like? Did he break up with a GF? Is it possible that he’s very bright but has an undiagnosed learning disability?

Depending on the answers, I’d be huddling with H to figure out our next steps.

I would not sit back and let my son flounder through a very expensive college experience.

10

It would help you make wise decisions if you understood more about his situation. It could be there are physical or mental issues that are frustrating his academics. Even if he didn’t have trouble while in high school, the adjustments to college can be tough for a lot of freshmen. Anxiety, procrastination, depression, poor social skills, bullying, too much partying…just some of the factors to consider.

I suggest you meet your child in person and have a loving conversation. Ask questions gently, and encourage him to open up about the root causes of his poor grades. If he doesn’t have strong study skills, is embarrassed to go to office hours or ask a TA for help, or thinks study groups are not cool, he may just need some tutoring and other minor adjustments.

But, he might be experiencing prolonged homesickness, depression, anxiety, etc that needs immediate attention. A complete physical with screening for mental issues is a great idea. It can rule out issues, or help you to realize if he needs to come home and work on his health first and worry about college later.

You do want to research his college’s policies on withdrawing due to a medical issue. It’s possible that his bad grades could be wiped away if there is a diagnosed issue that can be documented. VERY IMPORTANT to know what his college requires for documentation, and the DEADLINES for notifying the college. This is when a parent’s help is needed, to make phone calls to determine the correct office and address to send communications to regarding a medical withdrawal.

Don’t just be mad at your son. Take some action. Dig deeper and look for the root causes (there could be multiple fronts you have to deal with.) Sleep deprivation might lead to lack of focus which might lead to misunderstanding concepts which might lead to failing grades. But if you don’t know his roommate has wild parties every night til 3 am, you might just hire a tutor and think the problem is solved.

Find out if he is getting regular, uninterrupted sound sleep each night, is he eating 3 meals a day and getting the proper nutrition his body needs, is he drinking enough water, is he taking time to exercise, get some fresh air, and spend some time interacting with others? Stress is real on college campuses, and if he is in a tough academic major, the stress level and competitive atmosphere may be getting to him.

Let him know you love him, you care about him, and that you are willing to work together with him to figure out his college education. Ask him what he wants to do? Give him permission to withdraw and come home if that is what he needs. You can get to the finish line of getting a college degree in many different ways, and on many different time schedules. You can’t just tough it out if you are struggling with mental/physical issues.

Best of luck to you and your son as you work together to figure this out.

11

^^^
“It would help you make wise decisions if you understood more about his situation.”

keep in mind that although medical / physical / mental / emotional health issues may be in play, his situation could also well be that he is just lazy and immature. i don’t know if i would spend a lot of time, energy, and expense diagnosing a situation that may just be as simple as him needing to grow the heck up.

12

@am9799 We have talked to him a lot. We have even visited him when we are up in that area and every time he says he is doing good. When I call him or text him the answer is always the same until he realizes it is not good and then he says well I have something to tell you… I am just so confused so not sure what to do.

@Leafyseadragon. He does not have a scholarship. That $5,500 is financial aid loan that he took and we pay the rest. The problem is if this semester he does fail those two classes that’s a big deal. This particular school only gives you 4 years to graduate so you cannot extend your time there. So needs to get it together now and not wait until it is too late.

13

I have to disagree. With looking at 2 F’s and probably a few more C’s, it’s quite possible he might end up on academic probation or suspension. I think a lot of concern is warranted, especially for a parent looking at basically throwing 20k or more into a bonfire.

14

Yes, it is very possible that this student is just lazy and immature. If the student can’t articulate any issues that raise red flags, then as a parent I would want to cut the flow of money immediately. I would not want to waste my hard-earned money on a student who was just having fun and not attending classes or putting in any effort.

I just think an ATTEMPT at an honest and open conversation would be a good idea. It would give me the confidence to make the decision to stop giving my child money. If the child won’t even open up and share honestly about what is going on with them, why they are not doing well, then I wouldn’t feel guilty at all about telling them they can flunk out at their own expense.

15

I agree with powercropper. This sounds like a sea change for a very accomplished kid (assuming the college “most kids would love to go to” means a top college for high achievers). There’s a reason for this-could be mental health, could be immaturity, could be a BF/GF problem. This doesn’t happen in a vacuum. The response you have will depend on WHY. If it’s mental health, get him the help he needs. If he’s partying, then, yes, I’d pull the plug. If he’s out of his depth and needs academic help, maybe a probation semester and intense tutoring would work.

I’ve got two older kids who took a rather winding path to adulthood. Screaming at them never worked. H Actually talking to them and hearing what they were actually saying between the lines and helping them help themselves? THAT worked. Both are fine, self-supporting, happy adults now.

There are several parents on this board with kids dealing with mental health issues. All seemed to have come up in the end stages of HS or early college. Hopefully they can weigh in with some signs to look for when you talk with your son. Good luck.

16

I wouldn’t let it go another semester – you’d be throwing good money after bad. Have him withdraw after this semester, work, perhaps go to CC. Surely many of us have friends who flunked out, went back after a couple of years, and are now gainfully employed adults, some with advanced degrees.

17

FWIW, I have a dear friend who is very bright but suffers from severe depression. Her family pretty just told her to grow the heck up and stop being an immature brat. Now in her 40’s, she has little contact with them because as a teen and young adult, she didn’t get the help she needed. Expecting a person dealing with mental illness for the first time to recognize it and understand it’s causing school failure is a bit much, I think. This ki8d may just not realize what’s happening and is just telling his parents the only way he can. Top students don’t usually just give up without a reason.

18

@powercropper Thanks for those kind words. First he does have a GF this year and he decided to take on a part time job even though we encouraged him not to. We told him we would give him money each money for spending and food. He insisted he wanted a job (thinking he wanted the extra money to party).

He has always been so independent but at home you know there are curfews and questions so now that he is out of the house and many reminders to complete homework and projects and now that he is gone for the 1st time I think he feels free. He is extremely smart and was number 1 in his class until he got lazy senior year. I know he can do better than a B- in gym. All you have to do is show up for class and you have an A. I guess when school is out in 2 weeks and he is home we are going to have to figure this out.

19

Don’t do anything you’ll regret even more, later. The school no doubt has an academic probation status. You need to step back, and allow his behavior to net him some natural consequences. A bunch of C’s and B’s isn’t an emergency. Failing grades, even, are not uncommon. Can he retake them?

However.

Let’s not rule out an actual problem. Maybe he’s become depressed. Maybe he’s got a substance problem, or a money problem, or a social problem. Ask yourself: in 5 years, if he’s graduated, do you want him to think “When I was really struggling and my parents didn’t know the whole story, man, did they yell at me like I wasn’t already trying” or “man, did they do everything they could to help me find my way”. All the yelling and talking in the world will not motivate an unmotivated person. Check your expectations. Are you worried, or embarassed, or just angry? Ask yourself why. Are you scared for his future? Can you talk to him from a place of love and concern (that doesn’t end up sounding like anger?) Ask him what you can do. Ask him to keep trying. Don’t be afraid to fail.

I bring this to you as someone who has very much experienced this. Ours did , eventually, graduate. But my single biggest regret of my life is that when he was foundering and struggling and doing all that alone (so as to spare us the news, and himself the humiliation) – while he was doing what he could, we were yelling. And making demands. And delivering if/then statements. We tried everything – cajoling, loving, arguing, demanding – and it didn’t work because it didn’t address the problem. Only when we tried compassion and LISTENING, and let go of our fear that he would dig ditches, let go of our desire to have a degree on a particular timeline, did we all succeed.

Use your parent-radar, your gut instinct. Love him. Support him. Breathe. PM me if you need to.

20

If he ends up with the grades you fear he’ll have, he will very likely be on academic probation. The first thing I’d do is find out what the school’s policy is as far as probation and suspension. Some schools require the student to take a year off and take classes at a CC in order to establish good work habits and academic success before they are allowed to return. I have a friend whose son did exactly that and when he returned to his university his grades really took off and he graduated with honors. He is now in a fully funded PhD program so please don’t think his current troubles are permanent.

That said, I would not want to throw more good money after bad and certainly would not co-sign any loans. It may be that he needs to take a year or two off to work and mature (he wouldn’t be the first kid who just wasn’t ready for college in spite of being successful in high school). Take a deep breath and start to gather information on his school’s policies for withdrawal and readmission so that you are prepared if things end as badly as you fear. Lots of us have been there and survived and you will too. Good luck.