Hello, My son went to College for his first semester this year. When grades came out I was not happy but his told him he could come back for the second semester and they would just change up some of his classes. But the day before I was to take him back to school for the second semester he told me he wasn’t ready to go back. Now he’s home, where do we go from here?
Get a job or go to community college.
People here will definitely be able to give you some help, but I think people are going to need more details.
If he is staying home, make sure he is fully withdrawn. Check with the registrar and housing ASAP, or you could end up paying for this semester. Try to get it so he can maybe return in the future. Ask the school what the options are if he just takes time off, or attends a community college.
Absolutely…make sure he withdraws properly. Not only might you get a bill…but HE could end up with a bunch of failed classes on his transcript if he isn’t fully withdrawn this term.
He should contact the dean of students…you might want to do this with him. Some schools will give a leave of absence…that way if he decides to return, he would not have to reapply. Some schools will allow CC courses to be taken while on a LOA…others wont.
I would suggest he figure out why he didn’t want to return to this college…really that’s is no rush…college will be there IF he wants to return to it someday. Maybe he would prefer a career that does not require a 4 year bachelors degree. That could be an option as well.
For this term…,how about a job. And figuring out what to do next?
I think the first best first step is to sit down and have a talk.
–Be sure he knows you love him.
–Try to get a sense of what he didn’t like about college (ex. was it something specific to that college, does he not like college in general, is he unhappy living away from home, is he re-thinking his major etc.).
–Be sure to follow @intparent suggestion – it is important that he withdraw from college properly. See if a leave of absence is possible especially if he wants to leave the door open to return to that school.
–Start to think of a short term plan…perhaps he can get a job and live and home while he sorts things out. If there is time to enroll in CC this semester he might consider that as well (especially if the credits will be accepted by his college). Sitting around doing nothing/playing video games should not be an option.
–If you think he has any signs of depression I’d get him into counseling.
Hugs to you. Life is long and not every person follows the same path. My hunch is that with your support and guidance that he will find his way.
Also: Do not fear. It’s not at all uncommon for students to not return to school, no matter how happy they were when first accepted.
That being said, as others have posted, as a parent you need to put affairs in order so that he can best re-enroll if he decides to do that someday.
If he decides to NOT go to school or to get a job immediately, as others have suggested, maybe give him some time to decompress and gently work out with him when and how to move forward. In my personal experience, no matter how well meaning, the sort of language like “But you have to get a job/go to school.” with fear and anxiety about his future in your voice, pressing him forward when he’s not ready, doesn’t really work. Instead, if you are all able to take a deep breath and step back a few paces to get some distance, that may help. The language that seemed to help with us was to stay completely positive all of the time (whenever child made a mistake, brush it off, and say, “no worries. you’re doing fine” ; “catching” him/her being “good” (to shape behavior). For example if I wanted him/her to maybe clean the bathroom better: “Thanks for changing the toilet paper roll” the one time I noticed him/her doing it. Or for resume making: “Should we do the resume for 20 minutes today? Okay todayisn’t great, how about tomorrow for 20 minutes?” Let child set the timer for 20 minutes so that child retains control. Then provide lots of carrot afterwards for that to happen, like lunch out. The happy experience of doing resume will eventually kick in. The trust building. That seems to work better than criticism, fear/anxiety and nagging.
Full disclosure: I have a child currently in gapping limbo. S/he is moving forward, but the path is quite different from peers. In a nutshell, the path was 1) several months of decompressing at home (we ensured that child got out of the house at least one hour a day, had chores, and exercised, and also saw a therapist. we also worked on resume, gently encouraged without nagging to think about volunteer work or a job. School was not part of the picture as child just wasn’t ready for it). This period was hairy to say the least. 2) Child one day suddenly left home with whatever savings s/he had at the moment. Child took a bus 1500 miles away to what s/he said was a job and a place to live. Child stayed away for a year. This was also hairy to live through. As a parent I just wanted to be sure that child felt loved and was safe and happy. 3) Child came home. 4) We rebuilt trust – child to parents and parents to child. 5) Child again worked on resume and got jobs. 6) Child now is a few jobs later, and has bloomed – wears a suit to work and just phoned today to report yet another stellar review from boss. Perhaps in one more year of steady, confidence-building growth, child will consider college, but not currently.
- Has this child fallen "behind"? Not in my estimation. Child has a solid resume, confidence gained from supporting self for an entire year on his/her own and making real-life decisions, not the decisions I would have made for child but decent decisions and generally on track to grow and change. I see this child as ahead in many ways compared with the regular college-track students. Also child will attend college once s/he really knows what interests are. This is a big advantage, IMHO.
- Issues as a parent: 1) the pain and fear of watching child go into the world seemingly vastly unprepared; 2) worry. Seemingly endless worry until . .. child began to bloom. 3) understanding how to coach child along this very creative path of development. Hint: I constantly ask myself: what would a grandparent do in this situation? There's a little more distance to allay my anxiety, lots of love, wisdom. 4) Perceived peer criticism or judgement: I decided that my child's path was just fine and oh-so brave. My peers and their children who have largely taken the traditional path, have followed my lead.
- Issues that you may want to be aware of and seek professional help with: 1) is child okay? Maybe something happened at school that's keeping him away -- a bad break up, a bullying issue, assault of some sort etc. 2) is child suffering from depression or anxiety (two sides of the same coin in my book) or some other mental health issue?; 3) Does child have a drug/alcohol problem (probably not but its worth asking) or perhaps videogames are taking too much time? 4) Perhaps the college just wasn't a good fit and he needs to change schools. That might be the simplest explanation and solution.
I my experience it didn’t help to grill child about the questions raised. For my child, that would cause child to close down and clam up. Rather, stepping back into grandparent roll, I spent time with child, mostly in silent support, as silence allows child to talk eventually. I imagined in my mind always that I was the grandpa who was taking child fishing. We were actually maybe in the kitchen, but I tried to pretend that we were on a calm boat fishing and words didn’t have to come. Or they could. Months and months of this. Once they started to come, then I used active listening skills, and sloooowly the issues have been coming out, verbalized as trust is built.
Best of luck to you.
He needs to hit the pavement and find a job. That’s what adults do when they make adult decisions. Good luck.
I hope for the sake of the child the parent is much more like @Dustyfeathers than @yourmomma. Unless there is a emergency financial need to go all “tough love”, there is the risk of disaster.
A lot of us have gone through this, you are not alone! It is good that your son did not ruin his transcript for the second semester, and left when feeling unmotivated. The worst thing is to pay or have loans for D’s and F’s.
Give him time to reorient. Depending on his needs, he may want to work right away or may need to decompress. In my experience kids have a drive for independence that works better if allowed to emerge, rather than enforce it. Long term anyway.
Make sure he has counseling if he needs and want it. Not assuming that, but just in case.
The most important thing right now is his relationship with you.
It’s not helpful to project disaster, not that you are. It helps to be positive (but realistic).
Most of us can tell you these situations tend to work out one way or the other.
If there is nothing wrong with the kid then I would set some guidelines/expectations for the kid to stay at home. My kid would have to have a job, pay for some expenses at home, chores around the house, and a plan on how he/she is going to be self supporting. Not everyone needs a college education, but everyone needs to have a plan on how/when to move out of parents’ house.
If my kid was ill, physically or mentally, then I would nurse her until she was well, but she wouldn’t be “finding herself” on my dime. I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, but I have been working very hard in the last 30 years while I am “finding myself.”
I have never shied away from having hard conversations with my kids, and I can do that because they completely trust my love for them.
Good Morning, First I wanna say thanks for all the comments. They are so interesting and yes I thought that no one would understand, but now I know and it really do help with all the helpful information. We did reach out to the school to make sure he departed correctly. My son stated he just didn’t think he was physically and mentally ready for college at this time, and I thanked him for sitting me down and letting me know his thoughts. We are a close knit family and we will get though this. Thanks again for all the info, in which will have me greatly.
You’re getting wonderful advice from everyone. I have been surprised how many kids drop out of school - including ones who were admitted to Ivy League universities. They either enroll in schools closer to home or get jobs and do fine. Hang in there!
@Darlene101 hugs to you! I know it must be tough. One of my son’s best friend’s left his school after 1 semester. He was miserable - after being home for Thanksgiving he realized how miserable he was and told his parents he didn’t want to go back. He finished the semester, then came home. He’s now finishing up at the local CC while living home and working PT. He’s been doing fabulously. Your son will find his way! Good luck!
Virtual hugs to you @Darlene101. I think it’s a real sign of maturity for your son to recognize he isn’t ready to get the most out of his current situation.
I’d take him to Target and Walmart and have him apply for a job.
After 6 months he’ll want to go back.
Kudos to your son for finishing out the semester even though things weren’t going well for him. I’m impressed.
@Darlene101, I’m concerned, though, that your son said that he did think he was “physically” ready for college. That seems odd to me.
If he has an ongoing health problem, such as asthma, maybe this means that he needs to work more closely with his doctor and you to learn how to manage it well on his own before trying to live away from his family again.
If he doesn’t have an ongoing health problem that you know about, I wonder what’s going on here. Might he have developed a new health issue? Should a doctor’s appointment be high on his list of priorities?
@Marian, hmmmm I will have a talk with him tonight. I think that he was not mentally ready for this big change, and being away from home, since I can count on my hand how many times he have stayed over night anywhere. My son also kind of struggled during his grammar and high school years. However we are just giving him a minute to get it together. Thanks,
One of my friends whose child also came home from school discovered that the child had a hidden physical illness. FYI – on a chance they discovered the child had a tumor in his/her throat. The tumor was benign but it was large enough that the child couldn’t sleep properly. The lack of sleep meant that s/he couldn’t get out of bed for classes. This was mistaken for depression. Grades suffered. One tumor was discovered, child had operation, and is starting over at community college to gain confidence. Then will transfer.
I was thinking of a girl I knew at college who developed migraines for the first time while she was there and tried to cope with the situation without consulting her parents because she felt that this is what adults do. She could have benefited from some coaching from a person with experience dealing with the health care system and maybe even from a semester’s leave of absence so that she could get the health situation under control without dealing with academic pressure on top of it.