Hey guys, this is my essay from the October test, it scored a 10. I am planning on taking the December test, and I really want an 11 or 12, because that would help my writing score a lot. Any improvements/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Also, I wanted to note that this particular prompt rendered all of my pre-planned examples useless, so I had to come up with this baloney on the spot under time pressure :P.
Prompt: Should young people focus their efforts on developing just one talent?
Response: The presumption that young people should focus their efforts on developing just one talent is erroneous. Although some idealistic critics would argue that to focus on just one talent is to hone that particular talent to mastery, these critics are too dogmatic in their narrow views. Focusing on developing multiple talents in a young person helps them better face the world in which a repertoire of skills is needed to face the problems of everyday life. Two notable archetypes that exemplify the benefits of developing multiple talents are the Rennaisance-conceived ideal of “the Rennaisance man”, and modern neuroscience.
Before the Rennaisance, life consisted of a period shamed by historians even today, known as the "dark ages". Gender stereotypes were heavily prevalent, so women would take care of the households and children while the men would go out and find a proper job to provide the family with a stable income. The reason this period is referred to as "the dark ages" is because there were no profound discoveries or advancements; history was at a seemingly stand-still situation. But then came the Rennaisance, brilliant referred to as the "rebirth" of art and culture. Soon, the conception of an ideal human being was created, known as "the Rennaisance man"."The Rennaisance man" referred to someone who is not only adept at one skill, but also skilled in numerous other fields. One of the most famous "Rennaisance men" was Leonardo DaVinci. When one thinks of DaVinci today, one relates him to such famous paintings that are still prominent today such as the "Mona Lisa" or "The Last Supper". But did you know Leonardo DaVinci was also an adroit inventor? DaVinci would fill pages and pages of his sketchbook with any invention that came to his mind: one of the most famous of these sketches seemed to be some sort of flying contraption. The point is, DaVinci's sketches helped him move the cogs in his brain, and in fact indirectly vitalized his artistic work. For example, he created the artistic conception of an imaginary horizontal line in which all other drawings in the picture would be scaled by the line. As can be seen by the idea of "the Rennaisance man", if young people develop multiple talents , they are falling in the footsteps of such ingenious inventors as Leonardo DaVinci.
Neuroscience also conceives to us the importance of developing multiple talents because if you only develop one talent, gray matter will form in the rest of your brain. Gray matter keeps your brain from running fast and effectively. That is why many young people of today try to learn to play an instrument: it helps them work a different part of their brain, and effectively increases the capacity of one of the most important organs found in the human body.
In summation, it is important for young people to develop multiple talents so that they can aspire to the Rennaisance ideal of "the Rennaisance man" and also work all parts of their brain. Only then can young people face all aspects and problems life can possibly throw there way.
*Alright…so after reading my essay again, I am appalled at how I got a score of 10 with all the grammar and spelling (Rennaisance…really?) mistakes present. I also think that my first body paragraph was unnecessarily wrong, and took a long time to “get to the point”. I shouldn’t have described the whole of history (and the gender stereotypes thing…what was I thinking?) before getting to the Renaissance time period.
So now my main questions are: 1. What should I improve on to increase my essay score to an 11 or 12?
2. Should I give background info when introducing an example, or get right to the point and assume the reader understands the particular context and meaning of my example?
3. How do you possible do all of this in the allotted time? Should I just practice a bunch of past SAT prompts, and learn to “think on my feet”?
4. Finally, how is the intro? I used a template (Shaan Patel template to be exact)…it personally saved me a lot of time, so I was able to think in more detail about my body examples instead of wondering what my thesis should be, etc.
I understand this was a realllyyyyy long post, but any tips/help at all would me most appreciated. Thank you in advance :).
EDIT: Also, my second body example was super under-developed compared to my first, so that could of contributed to a lower essay score…it had to do with time, because I was rushing at that point since I only had like 5 minutes left and I really wanted to write 2 full pages.