Sleep is a really interesting topic. I needed about 9 to 10 hours a sleep a night when I was a teenager/young adult. I could never manage that much at night because I was a night owl and needed to get up early to go to school. I had to supplement with a two hour nap after school. I didn’t have any underlying health problems or learning difficulties. Now I’m totally fine with seven hours a night. The teenage brain needs a lot of sleep at hours that are not conventional. Naps (at home not in class) are the best! My kids nap when they’ve had a short night or a particularly challenging day, mentally or physically.
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I’m struck by your comment that he isn’t on electronics but still can’t sleep. Insomnia in teens can be a real issue. There is a big difference in remedy if you have a kid who isn’t able to sleep versus a kid that is on his phone and chooses not to sleep although the outcomes are the same - mental health decline (both my kid and I get reliably depressed if we go a few nights without enough sleep even though we both otherwise function well on too little sleep) and being tired/inattentive. I’d dig a bit deeper on the insomnia piece and see if a relaxation app at bedtime might help. Also is he getting enough physical exercise? My kid struggles some with insomnia and has finally realized in the past couple years that if she hasn’t otherwise been physically active that day that she needs to take herself for a hike. Even a short one helps. If none of that works maybe melatonin or other medication just to get his body clock reset.
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@roycroftmom , I can see how it seems like there is “something else going on” - so I will explain.
I had submitted an application to my desired area charter school in hopes that my kids would get in for 5th grade as they were transitioning out of their k-4 elementary school. The charter school is highly desired and there are always more applicants than slots. Annual admissions is based on a lottery system dependent upon student attrition.
Neither of my kids got in for 5th grade so they attended their local public school.
In the public school, my son was assaulted on occasion by various students throughout the year. This would be unacceptable under any circumstance but as my son has congenital cardio-pulmonary heart defects, a blow to the chest could be fatal. So, his father and I decided to enroll him in parochial school for 6th grade in case his name wasn’t pulled for the charter school.
My daughter was accepted in to the charter school for 6th grade but her brother was not - so he attended the catholic school for 6th grade. Half of which was interrupted due to COVID-19
For seventh grade my son’s name was selected for admission to the charter school - which, due to COVID-19, he and his sister attended virtually.
Eight grade is the first year that my son is back in a classroom in the charter school.
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CTY starting the summer after 8th grade. It is based on your score on the SAT, no grades involved. He aged out of the program (with much sadness) and then returned as staff, that’s how much he loved it.
It is VERY different from “summer school”. No homework is allowed in the dorms- must be done with the entire class, supervised by an instructor. When everyone is done, it’s time for fun (supervised activities, talent shows, ultimate frisbee, the staff is very creative mixing it up so every day is different). Kids take only one class at a time for a three week session and although you can take actual HS classes to accelerate, mine chose to take things that you couldn’t do during the year- Inductive Reasoning, Astronomy, Renaissance History (it was his last choice but he LOVED it), Number theory, Archaeology (with a week spent at an actual dig close to the site, a former Native American summer colony according to historians).
He made incredible friends, the fact that there was little organization required (the staff moves you through a well programmed day, lights out at 11) and NO TECHNOLOGY (although I’m sure that’s changed now… back in the day they just confiscated cellphones when you showed up) meant that the entire focus was on learning, getting excited about learning, and having successful classroom experiences that are hard to replicate in “real school”. (a bridge building exercise using marshmallows, gumdrops, chopsticks… I don’t remember which class that was for but something in math but he talked about it for months!)
I know kids who have done the CTY distance learning programs and raved… but our kid had enough on his plate during the school year, it seemed excessive.
We instituted two changed once he came home that first summer- lights out at 11, no exceptions, and homework done in the kitchen or living room with a parent close by (not hovering, but close enough to monitor phone, snacking, goofing off instead of finishing an assignment. It helped. Our microwave has a beep which could wake the dead, and we’d agree on a set time for an assignment (20 minutes for a three paragraph summary of a book he’d read; 15 minutes for a math review worksheet, etc.) and set the microwave. We’d all cheer when it went off… a little goofy, but positive reinforcement never hurt anyone (ask Pavlov’s dog).
I have many other tips… but I think figuring out the sleep/physical angle comes first.
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@Juno16 , I am feeling like a neglectful mom now. It never dawned on me that the insomnia could be a significant factor in all of this. I will mention it to his pediatrician.
He is athletic - as much as his health issues allow. He greatly enjoys going to the gym with me and basketball as much as possible.
This CTY thing sounds FANTASTIC!
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For a different kid- my pediatrician recommended sailing and golf. May not be available where you live (there is a fantastic public course near us where I had never been… the lessons were cheap). Kid LOVED both… not as strenuous as some of the team sports but non-contact, enough of a workout to be exhausted afterwards…
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The school did a formal evaluation that came back indicating that my son was completely normal and not in need of anything exceptional in order to success in school.
This has been done. We have had numerous meetings with faculty and administrators regarding my son. One of the challenges this past year is that much of the work was done online and their system is not terribly user-friendly from a parent’s perspective. Every day I would check in with him and try to cross-check against the school’s online system but it wasn’t always accurate.
“step up my game”… I’ve been working full throttle and non-stop for both of my kids from day 1.
I am truly at my wits end. Hence, my posting here.
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I think you are doing a lot and are a good mom. You should not feel bad. You are trying hard. My only other suggestion is to ask him how he sees fixing this-turn ownership of the problem back to him, and let the chips fall where they do. Ultimately, you can’t control his actions, and while you can provide a supportive environment, it is up to him to take advantage of that supportive environment. Good luck
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I have been following this thread and I do think that the medical part of this may be more of an issue than has been addressed. If he has a severe enough congenital heart issue that there is concern if he has trauma to his chest and has been hearing about it his entire life, could he have more anxiety/depression related to his health than you realize? I think there was a mention of an assessment by his cardiac team but maybe this needs to be pressed. If he has concerns about his health school work may not be a priority and lead to significant apathy. Also has he been evaluated for sleep apnea? And BTW sounds like you are doing an amazing job on this and working on this from all angles. (and this may be too private to answer on even this anonymous forum so I dont expect an answer).
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If he is not doing the summer school work, Is he willing to work with a tutor who can help him get it done?
That would at least solve the immediate need of getting him to HS and in the meantime you can get him in with experts to solve the bigger issue
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@blossom , thank you so much for your support and suggestions.
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One think I hadn’t considered is that even though he isn’t on his computer all night, the screen saver is on. I wonder if that continual light from the monitor is adding to the problem.
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His anxiety is severe. He goes in to a catatonic-like state after exhibiting something like convulsions. He’s been hospitalized many times due to the attacks and has medication for them. He HAS NOT had an outward attack in over 9 months. To me it appears that the anxiety has moved inwards and presents as “disassociation.”
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I am starting to think that I have grossly under-estimated the sleep issue.
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He’s a wonderful communicator with me - except when it comes to school. He tells me about the music he likes, sport teams, where he wants to travel. He puts me on his FaceTime calls with his friends - always when I am looking like a dishevel mom
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We do things with his friends. He has good judgement when it comes to his associates.
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This one is more difficult for us. Due to his cardio-pulmonary defects, we have to be very careful about possible exposure to infection.
Your posts are priceless. thank you.
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He is working on it now. Yesterday, he got “inspired” somehow. Unfortunately, he is running out of time to get everything done but there is still a chance.
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I don’t have anything to contribute beyond the previous suggestions and shared stories. But I do want to pass on my support… you are a wonderful parent as evidenced by what you’ve already done for your kids and continue to do by seeking guidance from any resource available, even an anonymous board. Hugs to you.
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Thank you. Your words truly help. It is so easy to feel like a failure at parenting.
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You may also want to get his thyroid checked, as thyroid issues can be associated with insomnia, depression and anxiety.
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You have a lot of great support and info here, here are my additional thoughts:
1-Pediatrician/blood tests. My struggling son’s new psychiatrist tested his thyroid, Vit. D, and iron. He was low in D and iron. Speaking to a friend who’s son had similar struggles, that son says that his vitamin D supplementation changed his life. (he was VERY low and actually went in for infusions for a couple of weeks. For mildly low, its a tablet and takes a few weeks )
2-Nighttime screens, yes absolutely it needs to be off, and yes find a way to disconnect the wifi or Internet. We just did this, even though it is so simple and we have older kids…no one needs to be online super late. It helped immediately. Make sure his phone isn’t accessible if he could be on data
3-the bed. you could try a mattress topper for about $30 like right now…Target, WalMart etc.
4-Neuropsychologists are probably a few months away. And I see that he has been evaluated for ADHD already. But it still sounds suspicious to me, as someone whose son was recently diagnosed. You could look into hiring an executive function coach now to help him finish summer school. They aren’t as backed up as medical providers, and I do not believe you have to have an official diagnosis to use them. You do have to pay. Or, even, look up ADHD tips to use (for example, do a pleasurable activity/dopamine before starting work, exercise, have a timed plan such as ‘pomodoro method’, use distraction-limiting apps, chew gum, play music, have a fidget spinner/physical stimulation device)
5-Repeating a grade. My son had a terrible 2021-2022 school year and really crashed at the end (anxiety, depression, ADHD). His small public school is great, and gave us a few options to keep him in passing territory. It sounds like you are working very closely with your school but don’t be afraid to keep asking for help.
6-anxiety—avoidance is an (ineffective) coping mechanism. Is he always on his anxiety medicine, or does he not take it when he is not having the physical attacks? Because you are right, it could just be manifesting in other ways and need medication adjusted or to be on it daily.
7-vaping nicotine. Super common, an epidemic and many (including my son, unfortunately) turn to it to cope. It absolutely messes with sleep. I know others have mentioned substance abuse but not specifically nicotine; the vaping is everywhere, easy to hide.
8-finally…as you can see so many people are struggling, you and your son are not alone. And there are many stories on this forum where the kids eventually found their way. Those of us in this boat have to let go of the usual path/timeline and focus on the basics: Health, physical and mental.
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You’ve been doing so much for your family, and your son is lucky to have someone who cares so much and is being so proactive on his behalf. Your son obviously feels loved by you and has a close relationship with you. That is priceless, for today, this upcoming school year, and forever. This is obviously a hard situation for any parent to go through, but know that we’re sending you lots of virtual support and hugs your way.
Our own DC had some issues with falling asleep and the psychiatrist recommended a low dose of melatonin. 0.5mg has been very helpful for our kiddo. It can be a harder dose to find, as it seems more common as 3mg, 5mg, or 10mg, or even just 1mg. But apparently 0.5mg is about what occurs naturally in the body and is not habit forming. Check with your son’s medical team if they think it might be a good option to try.
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I had not realized his hospitals stays were psychiatric in nature. Would not his psychiatrist be the natural advisor on this?
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What does his psychiatrist and therapist recommend?
Yes the blue screen needs to be off.
Yes he likely needs medication to help him sleep. My adhd kid would get horrible insomnia in the summer.
While you cant move his music setup, you can take the cables and mouse every night as well as taking away his phone and tablets.