How to tell farm family I want to take classes and actually vacation this summer?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello everyone, </p>

<p>I posted on this thread a while ago about my struggles with my schooling vs. working on my family's farm, and I truly appreciate everyone's help and insight. I've been coming around the farm less and less while focusing more on school, and I truly think it's the best thing to do right now in the middle of the semester. </p>

<p>However, over the summer, I'm going to be approaching a few snags that I'm wondering how to approach... </p>

<p>In order to get a bit ahead and allow myself a bit of slack in the future, I've decided to take an English class this summer. (It's for my major) It'll be during the first summer session that lasts for 6 weeks, and it'll overlap with one of the farm's busy times. My parents understand, (though my father is still a bit disappointed) but I can forsee my extended family seeing this as a non-necessity that's going to make their work harder. (Which I know is completely true and which I feel bad for) However, it's not like I'm going to just sit around and do nothing, (I still plan on putting in full-time hours at the farm while going to class) and it'll probably be more stressful for me than a normal summer would be. </p>

<p>In addition to this "recklessness," I also have an opportunity to go on a 2-week vacation with some friends after my class gets out for the summer. They've been planning a trip around some Canadian provinces, and I'd really like to go since I've never been out of my state before and since I always have to work during the summer. Now this my parents aren't so supportive of, (maybe just because it's a foreign country) but I know that they'd let me go since it's something I really want to do. </p>

<p>Basically, I feel extremely guilty for cutting into my designated farm time by taking a class and then going on vacation, but at the same time, I'd really like to kind of break away from this lifestyle and taste a bit of life, even it's only for 2 weeks in Canada or for 2 days a week while I'm in class instead of in the fields. Am I wrong for wanting this break? Should I feel bad because my cousins have been working a lot more than me since I'm in school and since I'm only seasonal-ish help? Should I feel like I have to start going more now to make up for future lost time? </p>

<p>And, most importantly, how do I justify all of my decisions to them? </p>

<p>Thank you so much for your time.</p>

2

<p>Don’t justify your decisions to them. You only have to justify them to yourself. Canada isn’t a foreign country, really, it’s just a place north of us where they have a lot of cold weather and big mountains and a tendency to say “eh?”. If you want to go, then go. This is your life.</p>

3

<p>Hey OP, I remember your previous thread. You may have already answered this question, but will there come a time in the next few years when you will not be working on the farm at all? Or have you made that decision yet? Also, is work on the farm (others’ work) financing your college, and if so, do you feel that others expect you to put in some hours to “repay” for that support?</p>

4

<p>Hello. To be completely honest, I really don’t know if I will eventually leave the farm for good or not. We all know that our business is expanding with increased opportunities, but I also know that my interests are expanding beyond the scope of practical farming, which makes it hard. </p>

<p>And no one besides my parents is DIRECTLY responsible for my education. I received some generous scholarships and my parents graciously covered the remaining balances, but in a way, my family might see my parents’ money as the money they helped earn with their work. I don’t see it that way, but I understand that others may view things differently. Since it’s a collaborative thing, they may think I’m taking too much from the pot, so to say.</p>

5

<p>If the farm is paying or will be paying for college then working doesn’t seem unfair. If you’re paying your own way then making your own schedule is fair.</p>

6

<p>Who is going to be paying for the extra classes and the vacation?</p>

7

<p>I’ll be paying for my class and the vacation. I usually babysit and work at other places during the off-season each year, so I’ve been saving up for a while now. </p>

<p>I know that I still need to work, but I guess I’m just wondering if it’s totally fair to be trapped into it so that I feel guilty for wanting to do other things during this time. I know they’d be able to pick up my work while I’m in school for the bit, and I’d be vacationing during a slower time of the season. </p>

<p>And also, we don’t really have a set system of getting paid. Every few weeks, my dad and his siblings tally up the earnings and then appropriately allocate it amongst their sources and accounts and then to the workers. My dad actually keeps my share in a separate fund for me, but he gives me enough so that I can pay for my gas and have spending money. If I want anything big I have to babysit or do something else to earn money for it. I’m fine with this, though, because I’m going to be having a more secure future. And also, I trust my dad 100% because his other job deals with taxes and finances. </p>

<p>I feel that I’m just trying to get a little better taste of life, I suppose. I guess it’s kind of like a watered down version of the Amish teenager wanting to try city life for a while.</p>

8

<p>Sit down and have a talk with your parents. Explain your options and why you want to go. Do you need to take the summer class? Are you taking the class at the college you attend? Do you live at home or on campus? What about taking a trip during spring break vs the summer?</p>

<p>Given your information about how everyone is paid, if you aren’t working, you aren’t cutting into anyone else’s pay. It’s nice that you are concerned about how your extended family will feel but frankly, it’s really none of their business. This would be the same as if you were working for a company in town and had to get the approval of everyone that works there before you take a vacation. You just need the approval of your boss, your Dad. Work it out with him.</p>

9

<p>You seem to be a thoughtful young man who, like other young men would like to go out and explore the world a bit. If not now, when? This is your time. Your desire to roam is very natural and I hope you have the opportunity to fulfill some of your dreams. You need to sit down with your mom and dad and talk to them about what you want to do and why. Leave out of the discussion your guilt (you really should not have any) and any talk about extended family and their opinions. This is between you and your parents. Your parents want the best for you, but they also have a large business to run that they may need your help with. Since you are paying for the “extras” on your own, I think your dad will respect your wishes. You are his child but you are also an emerging adult. Behave like an adult and you will earn his respect. Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful time in Canada!</p>

10

<p>When did your parents last take a vacation? Will they be able to “slack off” while you’re vacationing or taking a class to “allow [yourself] a bit of slack in the future”? Or are your parents and your family members going to have to work harder now so that you don’t have to work hard later?</p>

<p>IMO, this is not “your time.” Your time is when you can support yourself and when your actions do not negatively affect others. Your “paying” for the trips yourself is irrelevant - if you didn’t use that money for your trip, you could ease your parents’ burden. “Your money” and “their money” are simply different pockets of the same pants until you are self-supporting.</p>

<p>Your parents are being generous and supporting you. Perhaps you can delay your gratification and be generous to them.</p>

11

<p>The confusing part is this… Is this what’s going on:</p>

<p>Farm is owned by a few adult siblings.</p>

<p>During busy times of the year, Sibs and their kids work on the farm.</p>

<p>Profits are evenly divided amongst the siblings.</p>

<p>If the above is true, then the others would feel put out. However, if the siblings with children who are working the farm get a larger share that fairly rewards the children’s efforts, then the relatives shouldn’t be upset. </p>

<p>*Every few weeks, my dad and his siblings tally up the earnings and then appropriately allocate it amongst their sources and accounts and then to the workers. My dad actually keeps my share in a separate fund for me, *</p>

<p>This other part also isn’t clear…are you getting some kind of share without working? If so, is that what’s annoying the others? Does each cousin (including you) get some kind of payment/share?</p>

12

<p>Sorry on the confusion on this. It’s kind of confusing to me as well. </p>

<p>My dad’s parents own the farm, but now that they’re very aged, my dad and his siblings have basically took it over. My dad does the finances, my one uncle does the plowing, my other uncle does the greenhouse management, etc. And all of the grandchildren work full-time unless they’re in school. (I’m obviously in school and staying away, so I can only work on weekends) </p>

<p>We all fill out a book with our hours, and my dad and his siblings calculate how much money we make after a couple weeks or so and then pay everyone according to their hours and what kind of work they did. They also account for the work we’re doing during this time of the year where we’re not selling anything and so not getting paid. (during the selling seasons, we all have different responsibilities, and my older cousins have the more manager-type stuff where as I’m more of a labor person. It’s basically the same as any company except it’s more subjective because people are picked to do the certain higher-up jobs.) </p>

<p>So I don’t get anything that I don’t earn, and if I’m not there to do labor, everyone else will have to pitch in and do that along with their bigger responsibilities. That’s primarily why I feel bad because they’d have a lot more on their plates with me gone. </p>

<p>Is that clearer? I’m sorry - it’s really, really unorthodox, thus why I’m growing to resent it.</p>

13

<p>Oh, and as for the separate fund, it’s just my dad putting some of my earned money in a bank account for me. So, if I really make 300 dollars for one paycheck, he might give me $100 and put $200 away for me. He’d give it all to me if I wanted him to, but he’s been doing this since I’ve been small and I feel that it’ll help me create a good nest egg for my future. (in fact, I’d get stopped, I’d go ahead and do the same thing.) </p>

<p>But it’s all money that I’ve earned through my contributions to the farm.</p>

14

<p>I second talking to your parents. It sounds like you’re sensitive to their needs and the needs of the farm, while still wanting to spread your wings a bit. There’s a balance that needs to be agreed upon between you and your parents. If the financial situation is as you describe it - I think your cousins don’t have much room to complain. Either pick up the work and get paid for it, or hire a day laborer and pay him/her. There may come a day, and that day may be soon where your parents need to HIRE someone to pick up your duties from time to time. </p>

<p>Are you the only cousin going to school? Are there other cousins having similar issues? My guess is that it will happen with someone else, if it hasn’t already. The family should agree on an approach as to how to deal with these situations.</p>

15

<p>Your growing resentment and guilty feelings about the farm should be discussed with your parents.
Assure them your need for independence is not a rejection of them.</p>

<p>Do you have a buddy who can fill in and do your work for you?
Am sure he would like to earn extra money.</p>

16

<p>If your parents are paying for any of your expenses right now, it’s really akin to you not working and paying your share and they to pay/work more. When you get out of college and have a job that pays you, and family members are not involved, you’ll see how easy it is to take the time off to take a course or go on a 2 week vacation. It’s an ugly shock to a number of young adults that companies don’t care about these wonder opportunities one gets. They have to be worked into the schedule and allotments. You want to take a course, you can but not on company time, You have to find one that you can work around. The same with vacations. You might get some leeway, but not a whole lot and not like you are getting from your family and the work on the farm. The day, you are not getting benefits from farm, money going directly to you, you can walk away from the commitment towards it.</p>

17

<p>OP: This is a tough situation. I grew up on a farm. So I do have personal insight. </p>

<p>Farming is year round, not necessarily ‘seasonal’. Jobs and responsibilities change with the seasons. It might not be crop season or calving season, etc but there is always work to do. </p>

<p>Growing up, we never took vacations or went anywhere overnight because the cows needed milked, or the beans needed planted, or somebody had to put out hay, etc. </p>

<p>We weren’t a big family business, but my grandfather and father were together on 2 separate farms with adjoining crop ground. Yes, it can be complicated. I understand. :)</p>

<p>GOOD FOR YOU getting a college education. I know in a lot of family farms, it is encouraged to just continue that path and not go to school. </p>

<p>It sounds like you won’t be taking part of the pay while taking the summer course or going on vacation. So, you won’t be taking pay away from your cousins, they’ll just be splitting up the work you would have been doing. That had to be an expectation when you went away to college. If you choose not to return to the farm after college, they’ll have the same dilemma then. Even though I understand how the ‘responsibility to the family’ can be in your situation, you are not responsible for your cousins. You are trying to get an education & better yourself. </p>

<p>As far as hiring a friend to fill in, or a farm hand…it is very common for family farms to remain just that…family. It’s a pride thing.</p>

<p>As far as WHO is paying and from where…if your parents are paying your school expenses after your scholarships…that money would come from WHATEVER job they had, rather it be the farm or a job at the bank. (for example). Would you feel obligated to help out at the bank? It’s the farm way of life that is pulling you in directions.</p>

<p>Kids (everyone) learn SO much from having ‘experiences’. My son’s teachers throughout school told us how great it was we gave him opportunities & experiences. Since the English class is needed, that is not wasted time. If you take a summer course each year, maybe you could even knock off a semester later down the road. Some people frown on vacations, but they can be educational, either through actual learning or from life skills.</p>

<p>I might feel differently if you were just going on a spring break/party kind of trip. A trip through Canada would be a nice opportunity. During this time in college, I would encourage my kids to go.</p>

<p>Once you are out of college and either have a full time job or work back on the farm, you’ll have restrictions. These four years are a time for all kinds of education, finding yourself, & learning new responsibilities.</p>

<p>It sounds like you have $$ in an account, so taking this time off work will not hurt you financially. (My son has to work in the summer to have spending money during the year)
It is good you’ll be funding the trip on your own.</p>

<p>Talk with your parents. Discuss their expectations and yours. Respect their views but do not ignore yours. Maybe you can find a compromise or solution together.</p>