<p>I'm feeling fortunate that DH and in-laws did not feel the way that some here do. There was never a thought as to whether the student loans were "mine" vs. "ours." Whereas I personally don't think that it's smart to take on excessive undergrad debt, I had to take out substantial grad school loans. These were fully paid off within 7-8 years even though H did not go into a lucrative area of his field in the first few years of his career and even though I did not work full time for most of that time. What's more important than the debt itself, is someone's character, the potential to earn a good income in one's career if need be and the ability to live within one's means when necessary.</p>
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Given the choice between no education and education with loans, I'd probably embrace the kid with the loans.
<p>My opinion is very much the result of my own experience. H and I both graduated with the maximum debt allowable for our undergraduate and graduate school. I think the combined total was somewhere in the $40-45,000 range in the 80's. Incurring that debt was the only way either of us could afford our state school, even with work study and other employment in grad school. Neither of us received financial support from our families. Life wasn't easy during the early years of our marriage because of the debt load, but we've both agree that this debt was the "best" debt we've had. </p>
<p>With that in mind I would be concerned if either of our children married someone with a lot of debt, but I firmly believe that the choice of a spouse is really up to my children. There are more important things than money to worry about.</p>
<p>I'm wondering if the parents who don't see a problem with this are the parents with the daughters who have substantial loans. Could it be that the parents of sons view the situation differently?</p>
<p>I would strongly discourage marrying someone with financial values that were different than our family's. Yes, I would make an exception and borrow for graduate school in medicine or law, but certainly not for, say, a PhD in sociology. My child is well aware that there will be no loans for an undergraduate degree and we will scrape and work and apply for aid. So for her to marry someone who borrowed heavily for a BA or BS degree would be massive stupidity.</p>
<p>And I will tell her so, when and if.</p>
<p>You can fall in love with a debt free person just as easily as you can a debt ridden one.</p>
<p>Wow. I'm shocked by the responses. My son married a woman who will owe $200,000 by the time she's done with dental school. It is absolutely none of my business. I raised him to make his own choices and decisions and she's a wonderful, kind, caring and beautiful girl.</p>
<p>I think it's a good idea to make sure your future spouse and you are on the same page about how you value money. I don't think there is a dollar amount where student loans are bad or good. A lot depends on future prospects as well. My husband and I are pretty compatible moneywise - but we never talked about loans ahead of time and I think we should have. Luckily he didn't have too much in the way of loans. We got tired of paying international postage once a month and I suggested we just pay the whole thing off in one lump sum and we did and never looked back. We've had various incomes - at the beginning of our relationship I made more than him, but most of the time he's made more than me.</p>
<p>Well, my daughter will have absolutely no loans to repay when she graduates, and I would have few qualms letting her marry some one with educational loans. I certainly wouldn't "forbid it." I care more about the character of this (so far) fictitious son-in-law.</p>
<p>You can fall in love with a debt-free person? Isn't this a lot like "you can fall in love with a rich person just as easily as a poor person"?</p>
<p>Wow, y'all are harsh. I am (luckily) graduating undergrad debt free, but may incur as much as $150,000 in debt for business school. I don't expect to find someone to pay them off, but I would be disappointed if someone decided I wasn't worth their time because of my debt. My boyfriend is going to med school, and would probably feel the same.</p>
<p>SOME people are lucky enough to have an education with no loans at all, but for many, this is not the case. While I think it's inadvisable to carry a significant amount of debt (>100K) for undergrad (particularly if you don't plan on going into a lucrative field) for some, this is the only choice, and these decisions made at 17 or 18 may not necessarily depict the person's view of money at the time they get married.</p>
<p>"to marry someone who borrowed heavily for a BA or BS degree would be massive stupidity"</p>
<p>Except when it's not. Some bachelor's grads earn quite well in their first job. I want my kids to marry for love. To marry someone because of lack of debt sounds stupid to me. But we all have differing opinions.</p>
<p>I would not feel it is my right to tell my adult children whom they could or couldn't marry, particularly based on money. I would hope that they would make wise choices about their life partner, but I know that when parents forbid or are overbearing (particularly with adult children), it usually backfires. That isn't to say that it couldn't be a topic of conversation between parent and child, but I sure wouldn't be laying down any ultimatums in this regard.</p>
<p>Look at the example of the Obama's. They just recently finished paying off their student loans. A student debt would be the last thing I would caution my child against when it comes to marriage.</p>
<p>nysmile--given I have children of both sexes, my answer remains the same. It might be a topic of discussion as to how to pay it off quickly, etc. but generally it's none of my business. As I said, other things such as character and values are far more important than money issues. </p>
<p>I will repeat that massive borrowing was the only option my H or myself had to obtain college degrees. Some might have viewed it as massive stupidity on our part. We have viewed it as a wise investment. That debt allowed us to achieve a level of financial security than neither of us would have otherwise. That debt has permitted us to earn and save enough so that our children will not have debt when they graduate from college. That's the current plan. We can't predict the future. I know that the careers that are a result of our debt filled education puts us into an income bracket that will make financial aid nonexistant for our children. I should also mention that neither of us received a degree in a traditionally high earning field. Following the logic of some, we should never have married and are massively stupid.</p>
<p>nysmile--nope--no D with loans here. She had none; S's are paid back already. I just don't think it's my business, and again, I trust my kids' judgment.</p>
<p>I do talk to my daughters about relationships, what to look for and what to avoid. I have told them not to get involved with men that are too controlling(or abusive), not fiscally responsible, and very cheap(it's my pet peeve). Our Ds are very mature and responsible, but the reason they are is because we do make it our business to discuss those issues with them. How many women today still let their husbands manage family finance and get a monthly allowance for grocery and spending money? How many young adults in their mid twenties still have no idea what credit score means?</p>
<p>I feel it is my job to explain all of these issues to our kids, at the end of the day it is up to them to make those decisions, hopefully they would be informed decisions.</p>
<p>I'll also add that I hope my kids are open to significant others whose families have different beliefs than our family's. There is always something to learn from those with a different perspective. Big debt may be bad judgment, but it may also be a justified value call.</p>
<p>Again, I'm not saying that it is the parent's right to butt in or interfere. The question posed is--"How would you feel about your kid marrying someone with large student loan?"</p>
<p>I would be concerned and I would bring my concern up in a conversation. We're not talking about the Obama's--both Ivy league educated with incredible connections. I think the question posed is related to the average case scenario.</p>
<p>Of course it would be wrong to interfere in the relationships of our adult kids. I don't believe anyone here has stated that we would interfere. I do feel however that it is a topic that should be discussed. Ultimately, the discussion should come between the two young adults involved, but sometimes this is the type of conversation that many fail to engage in whether by choice or by not knowing enough to bring it up in the first place.</p>
<p>*character, integrity, values, loyalty, etc. are #1--never said anything to the contrary.</p>
<p>My DH had no college debt upon grad. His parents paid the total COA for him. When we got married one year later with 2 years of college still ahead of me, we had to use loans in order for me to finish sch. I was at a state sch. with low tuition so the loans were not huge. He never blinked an eye about repaying the loans. I don't know what his parents thought about him paying off my loans (we were saving my entire paycheck for a downpayment on a house). Now that I think about it, I doubt they even knew.</p>
<p>A quarter million in loans for medical school is a sound investment.</p>
<p>A couple of hundred thousand for a top law or business school is OK.</p>
<p>$70k for a good engineering program at a decent state university is all right. </p>
<p>$40 to 50 K for a teaching degree (with appropriate certification) is certainly acceptable.</p>
<p>Going deeply into debt without real employment prospects is stupid. If you have to borrow, you are not wealthy and need to see a clear path to gainful employment. "Following the dream" of being an underwater finger painter or expert in pre-Columbian telegraphy should be left to those with private, family resources.</p>
<p>As Ledger's psychopathic Joker commented;"if you are good at something, don't do it for free". A corollary of this is; If no one will pay you do do it, you are not good at it.</p>
<p>So if my son or daughter brought a prospective spouse home with huge debt and no prospects, I would have reservations. Hopefully these would be expressed privately and diplomatically. I realize my opinion would only be advisory.</p>
<p>How about hedging against the debt with a prenuptial agreement?</p>
<p>My DH married me and took on my graduate school debt (not a lot but not his cross to bear). As a team, we paid it off. We both had jobs and made informed decisions regarding both marriage and the impact of my debt. However, if my Ds decide to marry someone with significant debt (in excess of say $75,000), I think a prenuptial agreement would be insurance against my girls' contributions towards that debt in the unfortunate occurrence of a divorce.</p>
<p>I think all a parent or friend can do is to educate a loved one about all the possibilities that go on out in the world. There are certainly hard working women who slave to put hubby through medical/dental/whatever school and then get dumped for a trophy wife later. </p>
<p>I would certainly make clear two things: 1) some students don't understand what they are signing. They think they are getting a federal loan at 4% and it turns out to be a private loan at 18% -- and those sorts of details are IMPORTANT and 2) debt is a choice that takes some other options off the table -- for instance, I know a young couple who are teachers and owe 80K between the two of them. They are postponing starting a family (for a decade or more) even though they both love kids. They also are postponing a house and more reliable vehicles. They love what they do -- but probably did not fully understand the consequences of the loans they were undertaking. </p>
<p>If they have a clear picture (big IF), then it's their business.</p>