<p>Yes, I know we can't control who our kids fall in love with...</p>
<p>This came about when our D1 told us her good friend is paying for her school with all loans - 40-50,000/year. She thinks her friend is hoping to marry someone that could help to pay her loans off. Without even thinking I said, "There is no way I would let you marry someone with 200,000+ loan. You let him pay it off before you marry him. We didn't pay for your college so you could inherit someone else's debt. While I am at it, you check out their credit score before you get involved."</p>
<p>Both my husband and I graduated with maximum debt, 10,000 each, and we paid it off. But to have 100,000+ debt is not unheard of nowadays. Am I being harsh?</p>
<p>I married someone with that much debt from educational loans ( including medical school ) . My own "debt" was to the military. We were both responsible for paying off our own debt ( husband is STILL paying and it's been twenty years!), and it's all good, but we certaily have different attitudes about debt and spending.</p>
<p>I would not necessarily be against my D marrying someone with large student debt. It would be of concern- but then again, I might not be asked my opinion when the time comes.</p>
<p>I've seen this type of behavior from a few parent's with daughters. I actually know someone who sent her daughter to a "country club type of college" so she could "find a wealthy boyfriend and future husband." She found a rich boyfriend her sophomore year and the parents have been doing everything possible to make the relationship stronger. They let the boy move in with them in the summer (so the relationship could build-ha ha) and they spent the entire summer fawning all over him telling him how wonderful he is and how much the daughter loves him. It was pathetic. They basically sent her to college to find a rich husband. This sounds terrible but I'm secretly hoping that when they graduate (they're seniors), he dumps her. I would love to see the look on the mom's face. Cruel, yes-- but you can't even imagine the thought process of this woman on many issues.</p>
<p>oldfort, I'm with you on this one. Unfortunately, other than offering our opinions on the matter, I'm not sure parents can intrude too much on the relationships of their kids. We have to hope that our sons will be smart enough to factor other things into the picture besides love. :)</p>
<p>If my parents had taken that approach, my sister might not have married one of the most successful members of our extended family. She had no loans, he had huge ones. She helped make it happen, but he's now a big success. What makes sense depends on the individuals and the particular circumstances.</p>
<p>Does paying for college entitle parents to choose whom their children marry? Ouch.</p>
<p>I did it. It meant that I could not accept a fellowship for grad school because there was a time limit on the loan. He was worth it. My folks never even asked about it - they considered me an adult at 22.</p>
<p>I would counsel my kids against marrying someone with huge student loans, huge credit card debt, or other types of large debt. If we were multi millionaires I would be willing to pay down some of it and I wouldn't necessarily be against the marriage, but we are not multi-millionaires. In the end, my kids have to make their own decisions.</p>
<p>nysmile, I have seen similar behavior, and I have seen some children of multi-millionaires marry children from middle class families. BTW, the ones that I have seen have had a multitude of inlaw/family conflicts.</p>
<p>My husband married me and I had substantial student loan debt. We rolled the debt into our first home, so one could say he assumed (legally speaking) at least half of the debt. On top of that, I was a stay-at-home mother for years and not bringing in much income, so in essence, he took on all of the debt.</p>
<p>Yes, it was a risk for my husband. Was I worth the risk? I think after all these years my husband would still say yes. </p>
<p>I think Suze Orman articles are a sobering eye opener, but life is always a bit more messy than best case scenarios. I think a parent is well within their rights to warn a child of the problems of the situation outlined, but in the end, will have no real control to stop that choice.</p>
<p>I can't imagine telling my child I'm against their marriage (whatever the reason) without expecting my attitude to cause a multitude of conflicts (unless, of course, my goal were to doom the marriage).</p>
<p>Vossron, I spoke to my kids about this before a real GF entered the picture. They listened because there wasn't a relationship and no emotions were involved. </p>
<p>I am not opposed to marrying someone with some debt. The amount of debt that would choke a young couple is what I would be opposed to. When DH and I married we both had student loans, but an amount that we could live with and pay off.</p>
<p>"Does paying for college entitle parents to choose whom their children marry? Ouch."</p>
<p>I don't think any of us are saying that we have this right. We can give our opinion and perhaps a little advice. After that, it's time to "zip it" and hope it all works out in the end.</p>
<p>I certainly would not let a debt predetermine whether I supported my child's choice of spouse. Now, if I saw a spendthrift attitude accompanying it, or a lack of character, or someone who was "rich husband shopping", that would be a red flag.</p>
<p>So many of the kids in our HS district are immigrants, or the children of immigrants, that a substantial college debt is almost inevitable. However, I find that their values are closer to mine in terms of saving and being sensible about money.</p>
<p>DH and I had equivalent amounts of UG (about 7k each). Where I took the leap of faith was when we had been married three years and he went to law school (to the tune of about $55k in loans and three years of lost income from a well-established career -- he worked for five years before going back to grad school). </p>
<p>It has balanced out, more or less, over the long run. I was off for a couple years with back-to-back babies and out on medical leave for five years. However, I remember a teacher at my HS whose H dumped her the week after she finished putting him through med school. I made sure to keep my eyes open and my wits about me.</p>
<p>DH and I have always had similar views about $$, though, and we were united on the value of student loans (in reasonable amounts) vs. the long-terms gains to be derived from same.</p>
<p>As for my kids -- Not My Business. They are both sufficiently money-conscious that a large loan load would get their attention -- but they will be carrying Staffords themselves as part of the TFC (Total Family Contribution) deal with us. A young woman who puts her nose up at my guys' $19k in student loans is not likely to be someone on my sons' radar, anyway.</p>