How's THIS for a "Describe your world" College Essay??

College Essays
1

<p>PLease leave any comments regarding content, grammar, or any suggestions. Anything will help. If you'd like, leave a comment and I'll help you with your essay as well. Thnx</p>

<p>Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)</p>

<p>My birth certificate says I was born in Miami, Florida. But how then did I grow up in Beijing, China? Well, at the time, my parents were constantly moving among different hospital which hired them as short-term employees and to ensure a more stable childhood, they sent me to live with my grandparents in Beijing for my first 5 years. </p>

<p>I vividly recall the sweet delicacy I enjoyed in China. April, 1999. It had just received a 100% on the pre-school final exam on single digit addition. Adrenaline flooded my veins and serotonin inundated my neurotransmitter. Getting a perfect score meant I could dine that night on those granular, sweet, and euphoric substances inside pink Sweet'N Low packages. Yes, my favorite “candy” back in China was an artificial sweetener. In a country where most families treasure every penny, Sweet'N Low was the affordable sweet. Now compare that to the luscious delights available in the US: Skittles, Snickers, and M&M's and it’s apparent that many in other, more destitute, countries cannot afford the commodities Americans take for granted.</p>

<p>I hope, with my education at MIT, to decrease this disparity of access. Although I might not engineer a cheaper bar of Twix, I can certainly help those in China thoroughly indulge in the wonders of modern computing as they down their coveted package of pink powder. Along with the group at the Department of EECS, I hope to engineer an affordable PC with at least 4 GB of RAM and a 2.93 GHz processor that even the humble blue-collar worker in China can afford and operate. This is my dream.</p>

2

<p>Steak-sauce.
I find it weird and sorta random that you give sweets as an analogy but it nonetheless is interesting to read.</p>

3

<p>while the read is interesting, the grammar needs a lot of work. For example:“moving among different hospital which hired them” should be hospitals that hired them. Also, the sentence is way too long and should be separated into two sentences. And use of the words “Well” is not necessary. Perhaps, it should read as:</p>

<p>My birth certificate states that I was born in Miami, Florida and yet, surprisingly, I spent my formative years in Beijing China. At that time, my parents moved frequently as they sought out short-term employment at hospitals. To ensure a more stable childhood, I was sent to live with my grandparents in Beijing for the first five years of my life. </p>

<p>The other paragraphs need work as well. Is there an English teacher at your school who can review your essays for you?</p>

4

<p>It’s a little late for you to do anything about it in this instance, but it’s a bad idea to post your application essays here–or anywhere online that’s public.</p>

<p>I strongly encourage you to read this post, which is pinned to the top of this forum: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/255610-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/255610-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html&lt;/a&gt;.&lt;/p&gt;

5

<p>I really like the content and the way you’ve structured the essay, well done!!
That being said there are a few grammatical errors, I’ve fixed them to the best of my ability here:</p>

<p>My birth certificate says I was born in Miami, Florida, yet, surprisingly, I grew up in Beijing, China. At the time, my parents constantly moved through different short-term positions at various hospitals. To ensure a more stable childhood, they sent me to live with my grandparents in Beijing for the first five years of my life.</p>

<p>I vividly recall the sweet delicacy I enjoyed in China. When I received a perfect score on a pre-school test on single digit addition, adrenaline flooded my veins and serotonin inundated my neurotransmitter. Getting a perfect score meant I would be rewarded with the granular, sweet substance inside pink Sweet’N Low packages. Yes, my favorite “candy” back in China was an artificial sweetener. In a country where most families treasure every penny, Sweet’N Low was the affordable treat. Compared to the Skittles, Snickers, and M&M’s available to children in the US, it’s apparent that many other, more destitute countries cannot afford the commodities Americans take for granted.</p>

<p>I hope to decrease this disparity of access. Although I might not engineer a cheaper bar of Twix, I can certainly help those in China enjoy the wonders of modern computing as they down their coveted package of pink powder. (<–wording here is a bit unclear) Along with the group at the Department of EECS, I hope to engineer an affordable PC with at least 4 GB of RAM and a 2.93 GHz processor that even the humble blue-collar worker in China can afford and operate. This is my dream. (<–weak ending sentence)</p>

<p>Again, I love the approach you’ve taken. However, I would take this to an English teacher, as the writing style could use some work. Since this is MIT you’re applying to, you may want to focus a little more on the technical side of things…perhaps add a sentence explaining the computer.
Good luck with the essay!!</p>

<p>Please return the favor and help with mine!! (:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/1436568-help-william-mary-supplement-will-help-back-if-asked.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/1436568-help-william-mary-supplement-will-help-back-if-asked.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;