hows this for the dartmouth commonapp

<p>Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you</p>

<p>When I was seven years old, I thought my life was truly going to end abruptly. Full of stress, I distinctly remember thinking, “Well, this is it for me.” I was experiencing the most harrowing, series of moments in my life, or so I had thought.
On a harsh, boisterous fall afternoon, my parents invited friends over; everyone sat in the den, talking about a capacious variety of “non-interesting subjects.” Discomfort had penetrated throughout my lethargic body. I looked to my brother, Chris. He was biting his lip uncontrollably and his eyes raced around the room, I knew he was feeling the same agony. We both gave each other surreptitious looks, asked to leave, and grabbed our baseball gloves.
Never before did such bitter winds feel so delightful. We played catch, agreeing to reserve ourselves(which meant no spinning, throwing between the legs, or behind the back). We threw to each other at short distances, but later expanded ground, inevitably breaking our impulsive agreement. We continued throwing the baseball haphazardly until it struck and shattered the tail lights of the visitors’ car. Prompted by the same fear I had, Chris darted into the house and went straight to his room.
I stood outside for an hour, contemplating what kind of story I was going to fabricate. My thoughts hurtled in every direction as my stomach clenched with respite. Soon after, I came to the conclusion that the jaded grass nearby would be my consolation, not a counterfeit story. I appreciated the sharp, crisp grass for all it was worth. As I lay, as cursory and narrow as it may sound, I remembered everything that had been enjoyable because I thought it would all be expropriated.
Then the front door opened, I saw everyone saying their good-byes. The guests looked in bewilderment, wondering what I was doing sitting on back of their car, planted like a rock. Their stares discomfitted me, so I budged and they lightly chuckled. They just chuckled. They were amused by my bashful embarrassment. They told me not to worry, they didn’t even want to know how it happened. The burden had been lifted! I caught my breath.
My parents took me inside, only asking, “How did it happen?” I explained, they noticed I was visibly upset, and then they smirked. As they gauged my reaction, they said, “It was only a tail light, be thankful it wasn’t a window.” I was ecstatic by their reactions but I admit, that tail light was much more than a window to me, it was my life.
Had I already reached the paramount impasse of my life? Hardly. Sometimes things can be blown out of proportion. I came to the realization that you can’t always worry and agonize over the most minute details. Many times, anguish and stress are products of the imagination, which sometimes proliferates and amplifies the suffering. The “big picture” has to be within sight, and “inventing the truth” will only serve to smear it.</p>

<p>Are their any grammatical errors or awkward wording (besides tabbing)? I JUST wrote this essay today and it needs to be in school by monday for colleges, please, ANY ADVICE WOULD BE LOVED. Please grade on a 1-10 scale. THANKS A LOT</p>

<p>I won't grade it, but I'll say that some of the words seem like they were chosen to impress. </p>

<p>None of them are too obvious on their own, but when boisterous, capacious, lethargic, surreptitious, fabricate, cursory, expropriated, discomfitted, paramount impasse and proliferates are all used within the same 500 word-span, it starts to become a problem.</p>

<p>"Respite" means rest, or a break, so I think you chose the wrong word for how your stomach clenched.</p>

<p>"I was ecstatic by their reactions" seems weird, too. "Their reactions made me ecstatic," maybe?</p>

<p>Too many pretentious adjectives, not enough metaphors and similes. Definitely rewrite it entirely.</p>

<p>"bashful embarrassment"
I would suggest you use less redundant phrases and useless SAT words and include more content... or not</p>

<p>I agree with the above statements. </p>

<p>I dont think it shows your personality very well.</p>

<p>yea it's pretty easy to tell that you're trying to hard, which means your essay isn't sincere</p>

<p>Thanks a lot people for all your advice, yeah, this essay was pure crap. But willywonka, in my defense, my stomache was clenched with respite when i was trying to fabricate a lie because it did give me relief in that sense. I used expropriate, surreptitious, cursory and proliferate in my everyday speech as well, but I greatly appreciate your constructive criticism, this essay is trashed. </p>

<p>thanks guys tho i appreciate it</p>

<p>Sorry, I guess I just misunderstood. I agree that most of those words are usable in everyday language.</p>

<p>I have an entire folder of text documents called "trashed essays." Good to see you're keeping your head up.</p>