hows this for the princeton commonapp

<p>Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you</p>

<p>When I was seven years old, I thought my life was truly going to end abruptly. Full of stress, I distinctly remember thinking, “Well, this is it for me.” I was experiencing the most harrowing, series of moments in my life, or so I had thought.
On a harsh, boisterous fall afternoon, my parents invited friends over; everyone sat in the den, talking about a capacious variety of “non-interesting subjects.” Discomfort had penetrated throughout my lethargic body. I looked to my brother, Chris. He was biting his lip uncontrollably and his eyes raced around the room, I knew he was feeling the same agony. We both gave each other surreptitious looks, asked to leave, and grabbed our baseball gloves.
Never before did such bitter winds feel so delightful. We played catch, agreeing to reserve ourselves(which meant no spinning, throwing between the legs, or behind the back). We threw to each other at short distances, but later expanded ground, inevitably breaking our impulsive agreement. We continued throwing the baseball haphazardly until it struck and shattered the tail lights of the visitors’ car. Prompted by the same fear I had, Chris darted into the house and went straight to his room.
I stood outside for an hour, contemplating what kind of story I was going to fabricate. My thoughts hurtled in every direction as my stomach clenched with respite. Soon after, I came to the conclusion that the jaded grass nearby would be my consolation, not a counterfeit story. I appreciated the sharp, crisp grass for all it was worth. As I lay, as cursory and narrow as it may sound, I remembered everything that had been enjoyable because I thought it would all be expropriated.
Then the front door opened, I saw everyone saying their good-byes. The guests looked in bewilderment, wondering what I was doing sitting on back of their car, planted like a rock. Their stares discomfitted me, so I budged and they lightly chuckled. They just chuckled. They were amused by my bashful embarrassment. They told me not to worry, they didn’t even want to know how it happened. The burden had been lifted! I caught my breath.
My parents took me inside, only asking, “How did it happen?” I explained, they noticed I was visibly upset, and then they smirked. As they gauged my reaction, they said, “It was only a tail light, be thankful it wasn’t a window.” I was ecstatic by their reactions but I admit, that tail light was much more than a window to me, it was my life.
Had I already reached the paramount impasse of my life? Hardly. Sometimes things can be blown out of proportion. I came to the realization that you can’t always worry and agonize over the most minute details. Many times, anguish and stress are products of the imagination, which sometimes proliferates and amplifies the suffering. The “big picture” has to be within sight, and “inventing the truth” will only serve to smear it.</p>

<p>Are their any grammatical errors or awkward wording (besides tabbing)? I JUST wrote this essay today and it needs to be in school by monday for colleges, please, ANY ADVICE WOULD BE LOVED. Please grade on a 1-10 scale. THANKS A LOT</p>

<p>I couldn't finish reading it because there are way too many erros in diction.</p>

<p>Careful--you've got quite a few $10 words in there. Try to reduce them to their english equivalents.</p>

<p>you mind pointing them out or is this the product of a stuck up princeton prep (not kebree)?</p>

<p>"Discomfort had penetrated throughout my lethargic body"
i HATE that sentence. please change it</p>

<p>sry im not in the mood to finish it but i read halfway.
suggestions.....1) ur sentences are kinda short and choppy, they do not flow together. its awkward to read and it sounds like you arent that educated
2) ur word choice seems out of place. you use words like "surreptitious" or "capacious" the usage seems forced or if you pushed shift + F7. you need to make these words fit in more...</p>

<p>i didnt finish reading sry maybe ill try again later.</p>

<p>that's exactly the sentence i saw shrek...also i agree with kebree..you're trying to show off a vocabulary you don't have control over</p>

<p>also way to not be offended when you are offered criticism</p>

<p>I wasn't offended by the other four posters, you however gave no support in your critique.</p>

<p>Our criticism was perhaps a little on the blunt side, though, Enco. :)</p>

<p>Joke1987: be it known that our ED notification letters were sent from Princeton yesterday, so everyone here is very much on edge. If we came off sounding "harsh," it's entirely not our fault. =)</p>

<p>this is a personal opinion, but i would suggest writing about a more recent experience. it makes sense for colleges to want to know the kind of person you are now, not who you were as a 7 year old (and your story is something any 7 year old could tell by the way, hardly unique)</p>

<p>Hello! I'll just start off by saying you can throw out most of your adjectives and adverbs. I lost the meaning of the entire essay because there were too many of them. You don't have to use words that seem to come straight from a thesaurus (although that may not necessarily be the case). Brevity is the soul of life, no? Conciseness even more so, I think. Try editing out some of the unnecessary adjs/advs and work on some of the awkward wording (examples: "bashful embarassment," "paramount impasse," proliferating the suffering, etc.). I'm sure it'll help you try to get your intent across much more effectively. Good luck! :)</p>

<p>Ok I'm sorry I was harsh I guess I'm in a bitchy mood haha</p>

<p>but the essay sucks</p>

<p>ok i finished reading.
<strong>REMEMBER</strong> read the prompt VERY carefully</p>

<p>"Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you"</p>

<p>EVALUATE - first you are not evaluating. u are just telling a story. a rather short and choppy story to be exact. you should add more insight. what you were feeling. u want them to know you, who you are. you offer none of that here. you dont even offer description other than some random large words thrown in there. add more insight, focus more on the PROBLEM of shattering the tail light</p>

<p>THE PROMPT it asks for a significant experience, achievement, risk, or ethical dilemma. This problem that you are describing seems so trivial/insignificant. how is this a life changing moment? this happens to children all the time. breaking a window, breaking mom's favorite vase. destroying a couch. is this THE MOST SIGNIFICANT THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED? if not, don't write about it. personally, i dont think this even is huge at all. its pretty trivial and seems like a regular happening for a young child</p>

<p>INSIGHT your evaluation is a 2 sentence long "lame insight" jammed at the end of the paragraph. the prompt specifically says AND YOUR IMPACT. it should be HALF as much if not more. they want to know WHAT YOU LEARNED. not what the problem was. </p>

<p>there you go.</p>

<p>lol, yeah, for constructive/non-bitchy criticism, this probably isn't the best time to ask ;) hehe.</p>

<p>I appreciate the advice, but enco, really, you have a problem. I am aware this essay probably would've sucked, hence, I sought help. I assumed the people would be amused, but you're just a jackass.</p>

<p>get rid of all the big words</p>

<p>alright thanks for all the help (enco excluded), but I'm just going to axe the essay</p>

<p>u sure theyll appreciate the commonapp? im not doing that, im applying by their app.</p>

<p>Yeah, according to articles coming from their website and the Daily Princetonian, they're thrilled that people are using the common app. They were so excited about it seemed like they were having good sex. It was weird. They seem really enthusiastic about it.</p>

<p>lol i dont get why they would. it makes them less special :(</p>

<p>oh princeton...its like the follower. it just wants to be like yale and harvard and so its offering the common app. GOD PRINCETON BE AN INDIVIDUAL! DONT BE A FOLLOWER!</p>

<p>its upping their number of applicants. doesnt mean theyll take em. more apps = lower acceptance rate = higher US News ranking</p>