HS Senior with 4.0+ only wants to go to community college and play video games

Parents Forum
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<p>My very bright son who has a 4.0+ (3.9 unweighted, something like 4.5 weighted with his AP courses) is a senior in high school and he only wants to play video games 4 - 7 hours a night. He has ground to a halt on his BS Eagle project (the only extra curricular he minimally maintains now) and he is unlikely to finish it. We have insisted he have a summer job so he can save up and contribute to his own college fund, but that was blown off all summer. With school started, he literally fell into a job but has managed to work as few hours as humanly possible and still be considered employed - about 2 or 3 hours a week at most. I believe he wants this job to fade away and I believe eventually his employer will comply (they were expecting more like 8 - 10 hours a week - it is a flex-hour position).</p>

<p>And now he has balked at applying to 4-year colleges, stating he can just go to the local community college for two years and transfer out later. He did not study for the SATs but did well in spite of the apathy (2000 combined). He has zero interest in studying or retaking the SATs, but even his conservative estimate is that he could get a 2200 if he went through a few workbooks and use his time during the test wiser. His SAT IIs were in the 750-770 range.</p>

<p>He goes into withdrawal if we put 4 year college apps in front of him (he won't lift a pencil, pen, type in a single blank field, read instruction manuals).</p>

<p>As for his excessive (in my opinion) gaming hobby, he gets royally hostile if we even discuss the idea of limiting his video gaming time and because he only lives here half of the time, it wouldn't matter because his other household wouldn't follow through on any limits anyhow. Any attempts to really push him on this topic puts him into a meltdown.</p>

<p>I am definitely pro-community college. They are inexpensive and often offer smaller classes. However, I believe his main motivation to attend CC is to avoid any large challenges and more to the point, to continue his 28 - 50+ hour a week computer gaming addiction.</p>

<p>Thoughts? Stories to share?</p>

<p>Our son seems to think that since he gets straight As (he takes AP courses and does NOT have to even try) and stays out of trouble that his parents should leave him alone. I would be fine with it if it wasn't tied up with a computer addiction. I seem to be the only parent (or child) who seems to think this is a problem.</p>

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<p>Unplug the consoles, computers, TV, and other electronic stimuli. It’s a simple case of addiction.</p>

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<p>Can you get your son to talk to a therapist? IMHO, he needs professional help in transitioning into adulthood. You identified his escapism into gaming and are rightfully concerned. Best of luck to your family.</p>

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<p>I agree with B Man 22. It’s gone on too long.</p>

<p>My S spent more time than I would have liked in grades 8-9 doing online Warcraft games. Just two days ago, out of the blue, he said in a joking voice: “Oh, by the way. XX (his best friend) and I were just talking about how much time we wasted playing Warcraft and don’t know why we did that.” </p>

<p>Now in HS (he’s a senior, the friend a junior), these boys take oodles of AP/college level classes, are on the water polo and swim teams, participate in either mock trial or youth in government, do peer tutoring, etc.</p>

<p>I found his comment quite interesting but chose not to probe and tried hard not to crack too wide a smile.</p>

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<p>You could cut this kids video game time in half but you won’t do it because he will still play video games at his other home? </p>

<p>It sounds like the family needs help. Total meltdowns about video games is not normal behavior for a Senior.</p>

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<p>I had to read your story…sounds like so many others. But, I have some good news here. My son loves gaming as much or more than the next kid. He has been involved in gaming since 7th grade, in various areas from creating a small business to taking a summer course at a well known college. When it came time to attack the applications last year, my son insisted he shouldn’t dare write about gaming, since it has such a bad reputation. But, he had to: gaming was his passion. The good news is this: he applied ED at a top national university and got in. I’m convinced it was because he wrote about his passion, gaming.</p>

<p>That didn’t stop his addition, and I still worry. Gaming is an important second fiddle to school, but it is his way to socialize. recently he got an iphone and loves playing with all the electronics.</p>

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<p>I would hire a family therapist, get the other parent involved, and get a handle on this kid. He has an addiction issue which you have to treat the same way you would if it were drugs or alcohol.</p>

<p>College can wait. I would not spend cent one to send him to any college until the issues are addressed.</p>

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<p>He should have been in Seattle this weekend for the gamers convention. 3000 pale male geeks and maybe 100 geekettes who all probably have similar interests. Pretty hard to get someone 17 or so to go with the program. What are you gonna do–lock him up? He’ll eventually grow out it–I did not see anyone over 40 at the gamer convention.</p>

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<p>…and you were there, Barrons? :)</p>

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<p>He’ll grow out of it! I had the same problem with World of Warcraft from the January of my senior year (2007) until June of 2008. I totally messed up on all the community college stuff so it prolonged my education for a year and I didn’t do my financial aid or anything so I wasted a lot of money. I had depression, though, and a bad family life. Anyway, I completely stopped playing when I met my boyfriend, who also played that game. Now we wonder why we wasted so much of our lives on such a terrible game and my life’s back on track. In my case it was depression and loneliness. My sister has the same problem right now… all I can say is I’ll kick her out if she doesn’t get over her laziness soon.</p>

<p>Video game obsession seems to be linked to deeper problems. I don’t think there’s a clinically recognized “video game addiction”. Taking away the video games only creates hostility so I’d say that’s a terrible path to go down.</p>

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<p>It sounds like he uses the games to avoid all responsibility. Can you convince him that not doing any applications will leave him looking (and feeling) like an idiot in April, when all his classmates are showing off their acceptances?
I doubt if taking away the games entirely will work; maybe you can withhold them for a time and use them as a reward for getting tasks done. And, saying that he will just go to his other house is a copout - someone has got to act like the parent here.</p>

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<p>The problem is that even if you unplug all consoles and video games, he will still play it in school. I would get him some counseling and NOT send him to college till he gets rid of his addition.</p>

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<p>In 19th century England, preachers fulminated against young women reading novels as they were deemed to be toxic to the soul and good breeding for young women from good family.</p>

<p>I can easily see the gaming industry developing into a virtual reality high tech universe like the one in Star Trek. Who knows, perhaps one of these crazy “game addicts” will be a titan of this new industry revered by the future generation as a visionary innovator. Even now, the game industry is huge, and a lot of serious business people are making a lot of money managing this industry. </p>

<p>The problem, in my mind, is not necessarily games per se, but rather how your son plays it. Is he a totally passive consumer - meaning, just spending time on it as an entertainment with no other dimension to it?</p>

<p>Or, is he sincerely interested in all things about this “hobby” at a more active level? Can he see himself choosing this as an industry where he would like to succeed as a professional??? If so, how is his gaming habit different from such respected EC as music and art? </p>

<p>I suggest OP have a heart to heart with the son and see whether he has any interest in becoming an “ACTIVE” member of this promising industry (as opposed to passive consumer) by becoming a professional, one way or the other, dealing with games. If so, that could be an incentive to plan the future. If he wants to be on the business side, he needs a business degree. If he wants to develop games, he needs to study computer science. I hear somewhere that there are even universities where you can study in game development as a major/minor, etc.</p>

<p>Rather than considering games as an evil addiction, find out first whether this is a serious “active” passion on his part.</p>

<p>My son spent first two years of HS doing nothing but playing games. He was going to an extremely selective and competitive magnet school rated nation wide as top 5 HS, and was acing in all courses without ever really spending time for grades outside of the classroom. On top of that, I realized that he was building elaborate statistical models to predict other players’ moves and forecast outcomes, and researching theoretical frameworks to explain and analyse various players’ strategies. Not realizing what he was doing, he was discovering the game theory on his own (not on line game theories but the THE Game Theory mentioned in behavioral economics and social psychology by the likes of John Nash). He was a very ACTIVE participant, rather than a passive consumer. So, I let him indulge himself. I figured, who knows he may become the Spielberg of the game industry - I read that he regularly cut classes to go filming in the desert. </p>

<p>In the end, the “accidental discovery” of the game theory mentioned above while he was playing games led him to realize that economics is far more fascinating than games, and he quit cold turkey and sold his avatar for $1800 on ebay. From that moment on, it’s all about economics - he spent regularly 15-20 hours/week reading on this subject on his own since then during the last two years of HS. He is going to a top 10 college this fall. YES, he discussed how he discovered his passion in economics, and the the whole gaming habit was brought to the surface in full measure. </p>

<p>So, the moral of the story is: in what manner is he being engaged: active vs. passive, and if his interest is an active one, how can he channel it into a professional interest, and how can you help him figure this out.</p>

<p>On this other hand, if his interest is only passive, you have a whole lot of issues to deal with. Perhaps, it’s a way to avoid real responsibilities as a semi adult, a fear of failure (if you don’t try, you don’t fail, etc). Anyway, I think the issue is NOT just game. Perhaps, game is a symptom, NOT a cause, and you need to find out a root cause of all this. If this is the case, maybe community college is the right choice now so that he has the time to mature, work whatever issues he has, and figure out what he wants to do. Having no motivation to take charge and do anything productive in college is a very dangerous thing. There are many stories on this board of kids flunking out during the first year at college due to a total lack of motivation and wherewithal.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>Do you know he doesn’t have substance issues? Have you considered using a third party (pastor, counselor, therapist, close family friend) talk to the “other family” to see if they understand the magnitude of the problem here?</p>

<p>I think you have a bigger issue than merely filling out college applications (which I gather you realize from the tone of your thread.) </p>

<p>Does he have any other responsibilities around the house? Making dinner twice a week (sounds like he has plenty of leisure time), doing laundry, picking up younger sibling from karate class, etc? </p>

<p>I think you need a professional to evaluate him for depression, thyroid, anemia, low grade infection, all the other medical suspects. Then you need a professional to help you figure out which problems to attack first. Is he not interested in a social life i.e. Hanging out with friends (male and/or female) and complaining about their parents???</p>

<p>I have no particular experience with gaming. But I have many close friends who have kids with serious behavioral issues (substances, online poker, eating disorders, acting out sexually, cutting, etc.) and every single one of them wishes they had sought professional intervention/help sooner. Everyone hopes and prays and wishes that it’s a stage which will pass; everyone tries to convince themselves that it’s “normal” and all kids go through things like this.</p>

<p>Time to bring in the cavalry for the kid, and if the other side of the family is in denial, time to get yourself some help… I applaud you and send you a cyberhug for dealing with this on your own.</p>

<p>And for the record I am not suggesting that community college in any way wouldn’t be a fine plan for this kid if that’s what he wants. But I see too many kids in my town defaulting into community college vs. making it an active choice.</p>

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<p>I would not push him to apply to colleges in his present state. It’s a recipe for failure. I agree therapy seems in order, but if you can’t do that, why not community college? I’d tell him though that if his grades aren’t adequate you won’t be paying and set a date for him to be living on his own.</p>

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<p>I don’t have a gamer in the house, but this seems past anything that I consider to be normal. Definitely get help.</p>

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<p>There is a new clinic in Seattle that treats internet addiction. Their first client is a young man who was addicted to World of Warcraft. He played 15+ hours a day and basically flunked out of his freshman year in college. </p>

<p>Your kid is a Boy Scout. One of the Scout Laws is “courteous.” He is not fulfilling his duty to his family if he is not helping with household tasks (it is his house too) and is hostile to you. Many boys crater at the Life Scout point. Obtaining the Eagle is not just a service project, it is also a TON of fussy work. </p>

<p>I hope you’ll consider taking him out to eat (away from household where past discussions have melted down) and tell him the following:

  1. You are proud of him. His life scout, his grades, his scores
  2. You respect his new/near adult status. You will not say one more peep about his gaming time at the other house and you will not say one more peep about the Eagle. If he decides he wants to pursue the Eagle, you are available to give time and support.
  3. You will not speak one more peep about college applications (this will darn near kill you, but go for it. I’ll explain why in a minute), but you will pay the fee for any college application he does complete.
  4. You need him to respect you and your household rules. Gaming can be done between 4 p.m. and dinner and again from 9 p.m. to 11 p.m. That is your best offer. Period. I believe you can purchase a timing device that shuts off the internet connection at a certain time. Buy it and install it (that way you are not the nightly bad guy). If he needs the internet after 11 p.m. for schoolwork, too bad.
    Tell him that you need your sanity at your house but you are working hard to respect his calls on his life. You love him and are proud of him.<br>
    Then keep your end.<br>
    He may test you severely and wait until Thanksgiving (or Christmas) to look at college applications. Heck, he may wait until Jan. 14 (many are due Jan 15). Fine. His life. </p>

<p>What I KNOW will happen is that in his classes, every day, other students (including the very pretty girls) will be talking, excitedly, about their college hopes. Vasser? Bowdoin? MIT? Oberlin? CalTech? He will hear from his peers all the time. He will hear from the counselors (“I’m leaving on Dec. 15. If you want a transcript, order by. . .”
Let him marinate in this. Hope for a girlfriend who is ambitious. Let peers be peers. </p>

<p>Take yourself out to a nice evening with your significant other or a fellow parent and grieve a bit on that Eagle. </p>

<p>About Thanksgiving (and 8 weeks of you keeping your pipes shut on anything college) go down to Coast Guard office (or Americorps or whatever fits your tastes) and pick up some brochures. Brightly put them out at the table and say “hey, here’s an option for after you graduate!”. Say no more. </p>

<p>This is a tough time to parent. Been there. Sometimes the harder you push, the more they dig in. So don’t push. Set some boundaries to keep your sanity and back off for 8 weeks. See where you are then . . . Good luck!</p>

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<p>Tell him you’ll hook his dorm room up with the best setup in the schoole if he applies and gets into a top school. Flat screen TV along with the best consoles…bribe him, after a few weeks at college the games will just be an extra and he might settle down and blend in perfectly with college life. He sounds burned out on school and preassure, you need to get him to see what is important in life and get him inspired without ****ing him off at the same time. He can still play video games however he needs to be able to manage his time better.</p>

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<p>I think there was a thread last year where a freshman with an existing gaming habit went off to college and stopped doing anything else.</p>

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<p>I think Olymom’s post is spot on. This kid sounds like mine did [ minus the gaming ] at the beginning of Sr year- stressed, tired of the “grind” of HS, anxious about the future and therefore trying his best to avoid thinking about it and all the work he knows he will have to put into college applications. Perhaps the gaming is his way of holding onto the one thing he can have complete control over?
What if you were to you suggest he submit one Early Action college application to a school he is “likely” to be accepted at , has the programs he wants[ CS?] and receive merit $?? That way if he IS accepted, all can breathe a sigh of relief in Dec. that he WILL be going to college.</p>