<p>I know I made my son a bit nuts when I asked him to let me play WOW for a bit. My neurons fire at frozen dinosaur speed when it comes to gaming. But it was fun for me to be at the keyboard/controls for a bit. I began to understand why he liked the game and he liked explaining a few things to me. </p>
<p>Wonder what would be like for you to play while he cooked dinner? (in the name of building mutual understanding?). Said nicely, it might be a good thing. . .</p>
<p>No need to shut the doors yet. Kids grow and change a lot their senior year. Make a deal with him, if he applies to a reasonable spread of 4 year colleges, reach/match/safeties he would actually consider going to, you will support him if once all the acceptances are in (and he will get them!) he still wants community college.</p>
<p>Can you spark his interest in programming or coding - gamers who have skills such as this have some amazing opportunities.</p>
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<p>I know <em>lots</em> of video gamers, mostly MIT students or alums, and yes, the strategic and tactical aspects are deeply appealing. In some games, the storytelling is also part of the appeal - it’s like reading a book or watching a movie, but interactive. Come to think of it, these aspects are appealing for the gamers I know in general - not just video gamers but tabletop gamers, LARPers (like me), wargamers, etc.</p>
<p>Video game addiction is real - you can become addicted to a lot of things - but it gets slung around any time a parent thinks their kid is spending too much time playing video games.</p>
<p>Also, Naturally’s explanation of why MMORPGs are particular time sinks is right-on. Most of my video gamer friends avoid them - I have seen a few exceptions, and they have been able to resist the pressure to spend their whole lives in the game (one of them managed to earn a science PhD from MIT while still playing WoW as a hobby, and being active in other hobbies), but MMORPGs have a reputation among gamers for sucking people in.</p>
<p>A similar topic from last year.</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/616689-please-learn-our-very-sad-story-dont-think-cant-happen-you.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/616689-please-learn-our-very-sad-story-dont-think-cant-happen-you.html</a></p>
<p>He plays games 28 to 50 hours a week? Has basically stopped working? And given up on his Boy Scout stuff just as he reached the highest level? Good grief! It seems clear that your son is using gaming as an addictive device to deal with some problem(s) he has, so IMHO you should attack that first and worry about college later. His mental health is what is important now, more so than his education. He can deal with that later. By all means check in with a therapist or counselor as others have suggested. </p>
<p>Do not be fooled by high grades and test scores. Just as with some alcoholics and drug users, people can be very high performing for a long time before it all comes crashing down. I doubt that they will last, especially given both the higher academic demands and greater freedom of college. </p>
<p>I agree with those who believe you shouldnt send him away to any college, community or otherwise, unless he deals with whatever his underlying issues are. With the time he is spending on it now, and how its closing down other aspects of his life, it really doesn’t sound like it will get better on its own. </p>
<p>While only he can make the decision to deal with this, you can help by not enabling him, as you would with any other addiction. Let him pay for his own Internet usage and computer. Set the rules in your house when he can play, for how long etc., and that if he does not like them he is free to find an apartment on his own after graduation and that you will help him do so. </p>
<p>Also, he may not bit, but maybe he will go for this if he ultimately can fess up to himself how much this is changing his life. This site is self-help specifically for online gaming addicts. [Online</a> Gamers Anonymous - Gaming Addiction Resources & Community For Gamers and People Affected by Gamers | </p><p align=“center”><a href=“/”><img alt=“Game Addiction Help & Resources” src=“sites/all/images/banner_new.png”></a></p>](<a href=“http://www.olganon.org/]Online”>http://www.olganon.org/)<p></p>
<p>This program, now in Seattle, is expensive, but may ultimately be necessary. It is new and I know nothing about it beyond what has been reported in the press. </p>
<p>[reSTART</a> Internet Addiction Recovery Program](<a href=“http://www.netaddictionrecovery.com/]reSTART”>http://www.netaddictionrecovery.com/)</p>
<p>Good luck. I sincerely wish you and your son the best.</p>
<p>Thank you for all the input. As many of you noted, our son splits his time between two homes and has since the divorce when he was very young. At this point, his other parent sees the gaming as a bit excessive but not something meriting any control and is fairly confident “he’ll grow out of it”. Our son will be 18 soon/high school graduate this year and the reality is that if I put down the limits at our home he knows that he could move in fulltime with the other parent sooner rather than later. In essence, he’s eying the front door whenever the topic of his gaming (or Eagle, or college, or work) comes up.</p>
<p>I will share all of these ideas with everyone involved but still uncertain what real leverage I have especially with our son’s legal emancipation just months away and the other parent not “seeing” there is any real issue that needs addressing. </p>
<p>Thank you again. I will be incorporating much of what everyone has shared as I continue to work through these issues with my son.</p>
<p>I know you are in a very difficult situation, but I would not allow him to threaten you (I will move in with other parent if you do x or y) or feel he has all the power in your home. I have two high schoolers and they both have a tendency to overuse Facebook/Myspace, texting, TV and sometimes video games. I tell them “you have xx amount of time for TV, social networking sites, etc. and then log out and put your phones on the window sill.” They give me some grief–eye rolling, huffing, “you’re ridiculous” comments, etc – but they do it. Sometimes I think they are relieved to have limits, as their friends and electronics can dominate their lives otherwise, when they have schoolwork and ECs to focus on as well.</p>
<p>Maybe try to reduce his gaming time gradually, but consistently, and discuss with him why it is not healthy to be spending that amount of time with the activity. He’ll probably be belligerent but steel yourself and go through with the talk and limits anyway.</p>
<p>Believe me, a sharp kid can get a ton of mileage if he thinks you are afraid he will leave. So, time for a big smile. “I adore you! I am so excited that you are on the cusp of adulthood! You are welcome here anytime with these standards: X and Y and Z. If that doesn’t work for you, then tah-tah. Do write!” You’d be amazed at how much they trim their sails when they realize that you expect them to leave.</p>
<p>To the OP:</p>
<pre><code> I am going to share with you something that my dad told me: how his father (my grandfather) showed him the bad side of alcohol/drugs. My grandfather took my father to a hospital when he was a kid and showed him all of the drug addicts who were in the hospital for overdosing. My father also saw people who had been in car crashes due to drunk driving (and the victims as well); he saw how some of them were in full body casts and would be stuck in the hospital for months.
What I am trying to tell you is actions are much more powerful than words. If you take away his games he will probably resent you forever. But if you show him a better way he'll love and respect you for it. Here is my idea: go out and find an "ex-gamer"; somebody who was addicted and cleaned up their act. Ask them to speak to your son. I think every ex-gamer will say the same thing "I wish I had quit earlier, I wasted so much time" (I know this for a fact..). It will be much more powerful coming from them than coming from you. In fact, I think you should not be there with him. Let them talk privately and honestly because they will probably discuss things that your son doesn't want to say in front of you.
Also, go find someone who is still addicted to games despite being past thetir 20s. Someone who is like your son preferrably. Just set something up where your son can meet them and ask questions about their lifestyle.
Now I admit this may backfire if your son is not ambitious. But at least let him see his future if he continues on the path he's choosing. I think you'll find most of these older gamers probably don't have stable good jobs, no girlfriends, basically their lives are focused around their games, etc..
Good luck, hope it works out..
</code></pre>
<p>Barrons, My S was one of those pale geeks.</p>
<p>Anything exciting coming out?</p>
<p>My dentist’s son is a gamer. He was a volunteer for testing Microsoft games, and that moved him into a full time job. A client was not doing well in local CC (bored), and now is trying college classes at a local media/tech college. Parents and I are hoping that she’ll move from being a gamer into the development end, and also find peers that share her interests.</p>
<p>It would be nice if people in this thread would not conflate gamers and gaming addicts (e.g. “an ‘ex-gamer’; somebody who was addicted and cleaned up their act”, “I think you’ll find most of these older gamers probably don’t have stable good jobs, no girlfriends…”). That self-help group mentioned on the previous page does the same thing. It’s really obnoxious. It’s like calling everyone who drinks alcohol an alcoholic.</p>
<p>“Here is my idea: go out and find an “ex-gamer”; somebody who was addicted and cleaned up their act. Ask them to speak to your son. I think every ex-gamer will say the same thing “I wish I had quit earlier, I wasted so much time” (I know this for a fact…).”</p>
<p>If game addicts are similar to other people with impulse control problems, the above won’t work. For instance, research has indicated that when recovering addicts/alcoholics speak to young people, the youths least likely to heed their words are the ones who are most apt to be most at risk. What those youths hear is the part of the talk about how much fun the drug use, alcohol use was. Those youths assume, too, that they are smarter than the addicts/alcoholics, and the drug/alcohol use won’t ruin their lives.</p>
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<p>This is very true. Most older gamers DO have stable jobs (that’s how they pay for the games) and many have girlfriends. (Heck, some ARE girls!) For most people, gaming is a hobby, not an addiction. In any case, being addicted does not preclude people from having a stable job . . . Many addicts come home from work, go straight to the computer, and stay there all night. I would not show these people to your son. In his current state of mind, he’ll probably think that’s heaven.</p>
<p>OP, you’re in a tough situation. I think you should limit his computer time when he’s at your house and get him involved in other activities if you can. Yes, there’s the risk that he’ll want to move back to the other household, but really you need to make a stand. Better yet, can you discuss this with the head of the other household and come to some agreement? Say “Look, I am worried about him, he spends this many hours a week playing this game. He isn’t interested in the things he used to love.” If you can get all the adults on board, it will be so much easier to deal with this.</p>
<p>Your son is being a brat. And immature. And at the same time manipulating all the adults in his life using guilt, fear, threats.</p>
<p>If there isn’t a support group for people related to gaming addicts, ala alanon, then the OP should go to Alanon meetings. Dealing with an addict is dealing with an addict. The meetings will give the OP some perspective in how to deal with all the complicated issues here.</p>
<p>I would bet that this young man has been using the divorce to get what he wants for years. And because the parents felt bad, they let the behavior continue. I am not placing blame. However, I am saying that at this point, you have a young man who has played the adults for years, and really hasn’t done much growing up.</p>
<p>I would call his bluff. I would also contact his school GC and say that you hope your son decides to apply to 4 year schools, etc. WHo knows what son has told GC about his situation so GC won’t push the OPs son. At least if GC knows that parents are concerned, and can’t figure out what to do, then maybe GC can encourage the senior to not just waste his life. You know if he goes to CC and stays at home, he will not really succeed because he won’t feel connected to school, etc.</p>
<p>I would try to have a meeting and set up expectations and ground rules. </p>
<p>Seems no one else but OP is trying to raise this young man into full adulthood and are avoiding the obvious. THat is why OP needs to find support in a group. The OP is being bullied and manipulated by an 18 year old. And taking a step back and going to Alanon can be a big help.</p>
<p>The only thing I heard that came out of the gamer convention was lots of people got exposed to the flu. It made local news.</p>
<p>Thank you for the continued comments on this thread. It is true – I feel bullied and threatened on an emotional level. That was a powerful insight, thank you. It doesn’t fix anything but helps me to put things in a different perspective. I do like the idea of a support group, though unsure if Al-Anon is the right fit. </p>
<p>What the world “sees” is a handsome and physically healthy, straight A, polite and reasonable sounding young man with his Life Scout rank and for all these things I am grateful. What only I seem to be able to see is the scared boy who disappears into his computer games every night from 6pm - Midnight almost every evening and who has given up on going to an exciting/challenging or at least stimulating 4-year college. And thus I’m worried.</p>
<p>Thank you all again. I don’t have a plan or solution yet, but this thread has been very useful.</p>
<p>Annika, you are being a wonderful parent and grown up.</p>
<p>As you know from your years of parenting- you can’t fix what’s broken in someone else. You can help them see the problem, you can work with them to outline some options that would be better than what they might have come up with on their own, you can advocate, facilitate, and even model good choices. But you can’t fix this.</p>
<p>So maintaining your perspective is an important step here. You don’t need a solution; you only need someone besides you (a parent in the other household, a GC, a therapist, a pastor, a loving family member who is not as close to the situation as you are, etc.) willing to see that there’s some dysfunctional behavior here, and willing to talk to the kid in a way or with words that for whatever reason, don’t work when it’s you delivering the message.</p>
<p>The thing is…when you’re in regular 4-year college you probably still have enough time to play video games 3-4 hours a day. I don’t think he’s necessarily addicted and that he automatically needs a therapist; if it’s something that he can’t do without feeling sick or depressed (like what do you think would happen if you unplugged the consoles and hid them? Would be break down, or would be just be frustrated for a couple hours/days and then move on to something else?) that’s a problem. But my partner probably plays about 3-4 hours of video games a day and more on the weekends and he’s a healthy man who works full-time and has other interests, too.</p>
<p>I’m kind of amused that so many people think that there’s something wrong with this kid. I sincerely doubt that he’s “addicted to gaming”. Addiction (or dependence) is a specific set of symptoms that point to a problem, not simply the presence of a lot of game time. He’s got almost a perfect grade point average. That is exhausting to complete! Especially if he is in honors and AP classes. He probably doesn’t want to think about another 4 years of pressure, especially if you are pushing him to go to top schools.</p>
<p>Maybe he doesn’t want to go to an exciting/challenging college. My younger brother is a very bright young man, but college was not in the stars. He tried community college for a semester, decided he didn’t want to do it and did a summer’s worth of job training. Now he’s making as much as he would’ve made with a BA in my field, and he’s 21 and only an apprentice. By the time he makes journeyman, he’ll be making around the salary of a first-year professor! Perhaps you need to explore other options with your son. Maybe he’s burned out and needs some time off. Can he join Americorps or the Peace Corps? Is he interested in job training that’s not college, but like vocational school? Maybe he just wants to work and slack for a year before going to college.</p>
<p>I find that cc is the worst place for people who want a lot of spare time. At cc we tend to get lots of homework every day of class (or atleast my general classes are like that). In fact I’m not even bothering with job search anymore because I constantly have work looming over my head. I hear about not getting much hw at 4 yr colleges (just studying for exams once in awile). I’ve stopped gaming as much as I used to, but if I wanted a lot of spare time to play games I would’ve gone to my state college …</p>
<p>Community college is a waste of time for a bright, accomplished student. The only reason one should go is for financial concerns.</p>
<p>Why not have him apply to college and then defer admission for a year or two? Force him to do something in the interim–perhaps working full-time. State school applications tend not to have much essay writing, or at least they didn’t when I applied. </p>
<p>I never really did computer games, and I do find that the number of hours this person is playing them is quite a lot, but more alarming is that the total lack of concern or thought about the future.</p>