<p>First I realize this may not fit this section, but it's hard to say where else I should put it. I'm almost expecting replies to be not so nice given my situation, but I have to try since I need help and I'm running out of places to seek it. </p>
<p>The last time I've been on this site was 8 years ago. I don't think I posted, but I at least knew of its existence. I was in my last year of high school and was about to go to university. I graduated. Today, I have been reduced to a shell of my former self. </p>
<p>I regret having graduated from university. In fact, I wish I was a high school dropout instead. If I were, I would be able to go back to high school or at least get a GED. There would be a clear path for me to take, and once that's done I would have effectively erased the problems of my past. If I just had a high school diploma, I would be able to get into university with it, perhaps more easily as a mature student. If I dropped out during university, I could probably still be able to come back years later and complete the remaining credits. </p>
<p>But to actually graduate? It's a death knell. Sure, it may help if you find a job quickly with it, but what if you don't and become long term unemployed, and no one will ever consider hiring you again? Then all the years and effort you have put towards it is wasted, gone! And unlike dropping out of HS, there's no coming back to fix yourself. It may have effectively destroyed your entire life.</p>
<p>I took my education seriously - I studied hard and spent more effort than likely most everyone else from my observations. I worked during university, I was in a program where I worked alternate terms so it took me an extra year to graduate. I paid my bills through working so I graduated with no student debt. I got fairly good marks. If you saw me at the end of graduation, you would probably think I'm a good example of a solid if not overworked student.</p>
<p>But none of that matters now. Everything I had ever accomplished is gone, and I am now universally decried as the exemplary lazy, unmotivated leech on society and future-less loser. It's a stunning change, especially considering that I didn't actively do anything to cause it. Unlike what others may assume, I do not spend lots of time playing video games or getting drunk or whatever, nor have I had for the most part problems doing work in my past jobs, nor have I acted like an ******* or arrogant jerk in any way. </p>
<p>But I failed to realize a fact about my degree: it has a "shelf life". Not until it was almost too late... and then, I panicked. It may seem obvious to you, but how could I have known? Or even know when and where to apply for jobs, or even that I have to do it. I didn't have family or friends that have had a real career, or any role models or mentors. Most people get constant reminders of what to do after they graduate - they receive calls like "hey, have you found a job yet?" or "I've got an opening at my company and since you're my buddy I'll let you in." But I didn't.</p>
<p>In short, I have been unemployed for the last 3 years. Actually, I do sort of work right now, but it's McJob-ish and to any employer it's still obvious that I have not had a relevant job for years. It's not like I can say it's because of the economy either - people have told me my major is employable but that is not meant as a compliment. They tell me it's incomprehensible that I have not had a job which means there must be something wrong with me personally, and that I'm bigger loser than someone who got a "worthless" degree. </p>
<p>The question is what do I do now. I have thought about applying for grad school. I should mention I'm in Canada and as far as I can tell pretty much the only advanced degree I can go for is a Master's in my own field. Ultimately, the problem is whether or not I have a realistic chance of being admitted. I meet the requirements in terms of GPA but I have never done any research. I'm crossing my fingers that I can find people to write letters of recommendation, if not I realize I probably have to give up. But I've heard the fact that I've been unemployed, or at least out of the field for a long period of time means I'm unlikely to be admitted, which is discouraging. If I had applied right after I graduated, I may have had a chance, but I never knew this would harm me so much.</p>
<p>If you ask what I have to lose by applying - well first I have to pay $100 to every school I apply for. If I have little chance to get in anywhere, I would make myself look foolish wasting hundreds of dollars for nothing. But more importantly, grad schools claim to want someone passionate about the field. The truth is, I'm not passionate and I don't even like my field. I rejected having majored in what I did. I do have specific reasons for why I don't, but I'll just say for now that I did try my best to study something I was interested in, but there are things about it that I could not have anticipated at that time. Part of it is that I'm so dejected and distressed right now that I don't feel interest in anything - I don't see how anyone would if they were in my situation. But if I were admitted, I would work harder than ever to get that degree and I'm pretty confident I can do it. I just need a grad school to give me a chance. If you tell me I should not go to grad school because I'm disinterested in the subject, then what should I do instead? Simply saying "what do you like to do?" doesn't help - I can't give a simple answer to that. I can explain what it is that I really want, but it's hard for me to get that across because I think of it in a different way than most people do.</p>
<p>Grad schools seem to want people with a one track mind who go into their major, never question themselves or look back, and somehow become super passionate about a specific topic in their field. I wonder how many of those people profiled on university web pages are really that devoted to their field for life. I suspect deep down, many of them aren't but tell themselves "I can't back out of this now or else it'll destroy my career." But it's not just grad schools, careers are supposed to be about working in one field, gaining expertise in specific skills and building on them so you can claim to have X number of years experience in a particular area so you can get a senior position and doing that for the rest of your life. Doesn't that sound mundane and anti-intellectual? At my university, I was supposed to pretty much pick my major before I got into university. I think this is a Canadian phenomenon where you are admitted to a specific faculty or major instead of being able to choose majors freely after you get in, but I also think my university was more specific than most. There seems to be this culture where you're supposed to know exactly what you want to do for a career, then the university provides you with a job bank that you use to get some high paying "successful" job and they think that makes them excellent at career preparation. Well maybe that's great, for most students, but it's not what I really needed help for.</p>
<p>I've heard some say that I could still salvage a career in my field by doing unpaid projects on my own and assembling a portfolio of them, which would get me a temp job if lucky, or figure out something that needs to be researched and writing a paper on it which just might convince grad school admissions committees that I still "love" my field. Well you know what, screw it. If I don't get into grad school now (or if I can't apply due to lack of references), I'm going to give up everything I have on my resume, my degree and past job experience, and start over again from scratch. I'll pretend the past never happened. But that is even more daunting to do - I've been to a few universities' sites and I'm not eligible for mature student admission which I believe is easier, since I have been to university before. That's another way having a degree makes things worse for me. If I apply as a transfer student, I'll have to wait until they determine what I can get credited for, and what I would really need is an advisor to talk to. Not a brief chat, but hours of talk to determine what I really should be doing next. When I was in my undergrad, I went to the advisors' office hours - but when it's one hour and there's several students waiting in line behind you, you can't get much across. Plus, I have no idea what my chances are of getting in, and even if I did the spectre of past failure loom over me. I'll never have the confidence I once did when I know I'll have to spend 4 years before I can launch another attempt at a career in my 30s, and that's IF I don't fail again too.</p>
<p>I really don't know what I should be doing right now, and I hope someone can help me on this,</p>
Get involved in activities outside of work if you can. You will meet a lot of the same type of jerks, but just keep looking and filtering them out until you slowly find decent people.</p>