<p>There comes a time when a son or daughter’s choices are no longer the responsibility of the parent.</p>
<p>You can’t honestly think you even have the right, assuming that you are paying for no college, to intervene in a situation like this.</p>
<p>You have every right, though, to take away what you’re paying for.</p>
<p>Just be careful; given the nature of this forum, parents who are active are usually the over-bearing type. </p>
<p>But regardless, I hardly think you want to leave the fate of you and your daughter’s relationship in the hands of some random strangers on the internet.</p>
the problem with this rule is it likely sets the daughter up in a lose-lose situation … is she lies she is in trouble … if she tells the truth (I’m going to see my boyfriend) she is in trouble or at least gets an earful of disapproval. </p>
<p>When I read this situation I think the big issue is how the parents deal with the bf … and trying to control visits etc will likely be counter productive. Rather than not allowing or voicing disapproval of visits do something like set a minimum GPA requirement. I’m being slightly silly with this example … the parents are complaining about the visits to the boyfriend, driving the old car distances, and the lying … but if the student stayed on campus and got trashed at frat party or whatever else that’s OK (I know it not literally OK but as long as she’s on campus she could be doing literally anything).</p>
<p>The concern about driving the car does not ring true either … it seems more about the boyfriend also … the car is not safe to drive long distance to see the boyfriend … but the car is safe enough to drive long distance to drive to and from school at the beginning and end of semester, and for breaks, and to viist the grandparant … and to commute regularly to a job … but all heck is going to happen to the car on the trips to the boyfriend? I’m not buying it … and I’d guess the daughter is feeling this same disonnect.</p>
<p>To me the situation is all revolving around the parent’s disapproval about the hometown boyfriend … and as long as they fight the relationship there will be issues in the parent-daughter relationship</p>
<p>I would say that most parents who are active on this forum are the ones having fairly good relationship with their kids.</p>
<p>Most parents are not saying to stop the relationship, but are concerned about the daughter missing out on the college experience, safety issue on driving an old car, and excessive text messaging. I do not see that as been overbearing.</p>
<p>I tend not to give any opinion about who my girls are dating, but so far they have made good choices. D1 started going out with someone late this summer. She is bringing him home over the midterm break to meet us. She told the BF that I have the veto power (hope he is not too nervouse). At the same time she said to me, “I hope you’ll really, really like him.” It is the first time she has ever said that to me, so I am going to like him no matter what.</p>
<p>I would use AT&T’s feature of limiting number of text messages per month. Yes, she is over 18, but until she is able to act more like a mature adult then I would treat her like a child.</p>
<p>She pays for college with some grants, student loans & a parent loan.</p>
<p>Are you responsible for that Parent Plus loan? How much is it for? </p>
<p>That can be some leverage for you.</p>
<p>Does she have to maintain a certain GPA and follow a certain curriculum towards a major in order for you to keep signing Plus loans? If not, you should have such an understanding.</p>
<p>I’d also get that car away or make her pay the insurance. </p>
<p>What’s the law in your state about an 18 year old having sex with a minor?</p>
<p>Perhaps because I am the parent of a 10th grade boy, I am fixated on the bf’s family in this situation. No way in hell a girlfriend would be spending the night at my house. I’m not naive and I know sex can be had at any time/place, but I will not enable the opportunity for my HS son.</p>
<p>I also find this odd. Is your D staying overnight at the BF’s home and his parents are ok with that??? Weird!</p>
<p>**** we wouldn’t save much by taking her off the auto INS while she’s at school.*</p>
<p>Do you have a reduced insurance plan for this car because the insurance company has been told that she doesn’t drive it much? If so, that’s a problem because she’s driving it a lot?</p>
<p>or…is the insurance low because you only have liability on it?</p>
<p>* We could definitely use the car though. We have a 15 1/2 yr old that will need it soon.*</p>
<p>Since the car was a gift from grandma, I don’t think you can just take it and begin using it yourself.</p>
<p>*** we pay about $20 for unlimited texting for the family, but our plan still allows us to modify how much texting we want the kids to be able to do monthly. *</p>
<p>Yes…but you’ll get huge charges if your D goes over the modified amount, right? Or does the texting get “cut off” after a certain number each month? Usually, you just get overage charges…big charges!</p>
<p>Re: Texting:
My girls aren’t in college yet but they had one of those unlimited texting plans. I think my 6th grader at one point was texting once every 30 seconds after she got home from school. We had a talk about that. Then we moved overseas and we got them pay as you go phones. Believe me there was quite a change when they were given a budget.</p>
<p>Re: the parents of the boyfriend
I would call them and say that you are aware that your daughter is visiting their son on weekends and were they aware of that? Also you are concerned about the 650 text messages per day and imagine that most of that is with their son. I would say that you have no issues with their son at all, just the amount of time she is spending on the relationship and you are worried about her studies and how she will integrate into college life and how is their son doing with his studies?</p>
<p>Re: the daughter
Like another poster said, I would try to talk to daughter about how things are going at college and try to find out if there are issues. For example if she is having roommate issues then escaping on the weekend might be away to deal with that. Also I would ask how her grades are and if they have any tests yet. See how she is doing academically.
Also bring up the amount of texting and break it down on how often a minute/hour she is texting. Ask if she is texting during class? Tell her it isn’t the textign per se that is an issue, just the time it takes up and the distraction it causes. Ask her what she thinks a reasonable number is and also let her know if this level keeps up you will have to limit the texting.</p>
<p>The emphasis here should not be on the daughter’s actions rather the parents reactions. They admit she was immature for her age and yet sent her away anyway. Even if it was ‘her dream’ to go away the ultimate decision lies with the parents on whether or not she’s mature enough to be ready to go.</p>
<p>It sounds like there is second guessing, guilt, and doubt about the decision because of the daughter’s actions. Actions which are QUITE NORMAL, while not healthy, for many teenagers. They are hoping to treat her like she’s the 13 year old down the hall vs. the 18 year old away at college. It won’t work. </p>
<p>My fear is that because this girl was so good they never anticipated her actually straying off course. How well have they prepared her AND THEMSELVES for that? Hopefully they have offered to help her obtain birth control. It truly is the only control they have to offer which will be helpful to a young woman her age. Even if it doesn’t jive with their ‘good girl’ image of her. </p>
<p>Just because a child may have been sheltered or inhibited or introverted to this point does not mean that once they’ve tasted freedom they will remain so. MOF, I’m guessing that first taste of freedom is where a great deal of ‘good kids’ go wrong. </p>
<p>The issue here should be how to pick your battles and deciding at what point is it worth alienating your adult child because you disapprove of their choices. Has she truly crossed that line? And if so, is her line unrealistically short because she’s never crossed it before.</p>
<p>I worked with a woman who could have said this. She actually sat her daughter down and told her to think twice before dealing with any future teens of her own (this after the girl had gone wild).</p>
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<p>I fully agree. If this were my kid, I would expect bad grades (based on her texting and travel) for this semester, and would clearly spell out natural consequences for those bad grades. For me, they would probably be coming home to the CC for studies.</p>
<p>No. You still only pay $20 for unlimited, but under parental control feature you could limit certain member to have only X number of text per month.</p>
<p>I agree with denise515. There seems to be a lot of pressure in some families to be a “great kid”, a “good girl” who never gives her parents any trouble. A little lying, too much texting, defying the parents, this is what normal teenagers do. Yes, she texts too much, but this generation are notorious technology users and multi-taskers. At the community college where I teach, everyone is texting ALL the time, while walking, while eating, during class, it never stops. The texting will die down of its own, I would predict, the love affair will cool, or maybe not. If you don’t know who she is any more, then it’s time to get to know who she is now. And she will change again, you can be sure.</p>
<p>My daughter does not text much, but in freshman year, her new best friend texted constantly. I think our daughter had 1500 texts for the month, mostly incoming from this girl. It went way over our plan and we had to pay a lot. So the real problem was others’ texting in, not our daughter texting out. And we had no way to control that, nor did she have a comfortable way, other than to tell her friend that we could not afford it.</p>
<p>The thing is, texting really does run their social life. By junior year, many friends text our daughter multiple times/day, even though she rarely answers. I am amazed at the volume that other people are texting out. (We did get the unlimited plan w/3 kids in college, once I became more aware of this trend.)</p>
<p>So how many of those 650 are being texted by the OP’s daughter, and how many are coming in from others? Are they all between the daughter and boyfriend?</p>
<p>I did not initially notice the fact that the OP’s daughter has 650 texts/day. If you figure that half are texts that she herself does, then it is still about 20 texts/hour, or one every 3 minutes.</p>
<p>If she has a lot of friends, I suppose she herself could be doing less, but it would still be very frequent.</p>
<p>So I change my opinion that this is normal “transitional behavior” given the volume involved.</p>
<p>But I do think, maybe even more in the context of what appears to be a problem emotionally with the daughter, that a big obstacle to solving this is the loss of trust within the family. Showing some support for the daughter’s needs, and for her relationship, might restore communication at a crucial time when the daughter might need help. Acting as allies rather than being restrictive might work better, theoretically.</p>
<p>OP, I suggest you re-read post #11–I believe it is right on. Regarding the age of consent, check your state. In California, the age of consent is 18. If you are in California, either parent could press charges against your daughter, even if the boyfriend insists that all contact is consensual.</p>
<p>If I’m the parent of a son who gets a phone call from the daughter’s parents in this situation I’d begin to wonder about the maturity level of not just the daughter but her parents.</p>
<p>Why, because they are asking for my assistance in helping control or monitor the behavior of their adult child away at college while my child is still under age and at home.</p>
<p>I’d also begin to wonder how much the parents hoped sending her away would end the relationship. Also, if their disappointment that it hasn’t is clouding their judgment a bit.</p>
<p>The issue is their relationship with their daughter not her relationship with my son.</p>
<p>If this is the case, then I would immediately implement it.</p>
<p>To me, the biggest issue is not the car or the BF, it is the texting. She is apparently texting almost every 90 seconds every waking hour. The texting is ruling her life. And probably ruining it. If it is possible to limit her to some utilitarian number of texts that will enable her to make arrangements with friends, say no more than 10 or even 20 per day, I would do it immediately. I would not make up something about how much it costs being the reason. I would tell her in a straightforward manner that the call records show that she is texting every 90 seconds, and that that is an addictive behavior that you are not going to enable, period. She now has enough to make 10 per day. At the end of the semester, if she achieves a GPA of X, you will consider increasing the amount if she finds this limit inadequate. </p>
<p>I would not say anything about who she is texting or why. It is enough that she is doing it.</p>
<p>Perhaps she will be able to find a way around it. So be it. But at least you will not be enabling her, and it will at the very least make it less convenient for her.</p>
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<p>Maybe that is why they are at community college. I certainly haven’t observed that behavior at S’s school.</p>
<p>Question, would OP be much less concerned if those 650 texts were to her BFF or other GFs? What if a good portion of them are? Is she using text as a way to avoid going over her allotted minutes?</p>
<p>If I were the OP, I’d be worried about my D throwing away her opportunity to do well at college. I agree with Consolation - “The texting is ruling her life. And probably ruining it.” Probably hurting the bf’s life too.</p>
<p>Sorry you think I’m condescending. next I suppose the “elitist” card will come out. </p>
<p>Don’t you think that the fact that the students at this school text continually during class is indicative of their lack of engagement as students? Do you really think that their lack of engagement, which presumably was also evident in HS, has nothing to do with the type of school they attend?</p>
<p>Yes, we all know the disclaimer: there are some very bright, involved students who are attending CCs for some reason…and of course CCs also vary considerably.</p>
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<p>I don’t think so. Didn’t the parent say that they had a PLUS loan? And aren’t the parents paying for her phone, car insurance, gas, and repairs at the very least?</p>
<p>Personally, I think that a parent whose kid is obsessively texting like this has every cause to be worried, and it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference who is paying the COA.</p>