<p>My oldest daughter left to college a month ago & it's been nothing but headaches.
She has always been a great daughter, causing no problems & made us proud in every way up until now. She's going to college a little less then two hours away from home. The problem that we are having is that she got a boyfriend a few months before senior yr ended ( pretty much first real Bf) and she's been caught lying to us and sneaking up here to see him on the weekends. He is two years younger then her & only a jr in HS. We tried to warn her in the beginning of the reason why this relationship couldn't work. It's not fair to either on of them. She agreed in the beginning, but "love" prevailed! She snuck up to see him at least twice & both times we caught her. We've explained to her that we will not put up with the lies, we've told her that although we don't think it's a good idea, we will be supportive as long as she does not lie to us. We noticed as soon as she went away she got it in her head, " I'm 18, I'm on my own & I don't have to listen to them, it's my life" Attitude. She spends every minute of the day texting this Bf. She's averaging 650 text a day , including during class & at het pt job. I think another reason she doesn't want to tell us when she comes down to see him s because she stays with him all weekend at his house or a friends house. When I try to talk to her she has nothing to say. "I'm sorry, but I got this." we have been very fair & open minded parents. I don't know where all this us coming from. I'm seriously questioning whether or not I really know her. I thought we were pretty close. She doesn't have a problem telling my other wild but normal fir a girl her things she & her friends do. I just don't k iw what to do.
She pays for college with some grants, student loans & a parent loan. We insisted she work pt & she does but complains about it interfering in her social life often. She has no life other then sneaking up her and staying in het single room & texting. She has a very easy classload & has told us this herself.she's never been a super great student, but usually tried really hard for the grades she got.
Her father and I are thinking the only thing left to do that might help her get focused on school is to take the car awY.
Any thoughts? Desperately in need of advice</p>
<p>I keep conjuring up an image of what you mean by “caught” her. </p>
<p>I can’t help but think the problem might be why she feels she has to lie, but I try to stay out of these “parenting” threads.</p>
<p>The first time I caught her I got off early from work and was driving home & turned to my left and she was driving in the next lane. She lied at first and said she wAs home to see us, but I had just talked to her that morning and reminded we were leaving to Vegas for a few days. She later admitted to lying. I seriously thought she would not do it again. We told her just tell us, she owes us the respect to let us know she would be driving two hours from het college town. She has never driven any farther then 30 min from our home. We were upfront with her that her 9 year old car cannot keep making frequent trips & she definitely can’t afford the gas & expense. She’s going to come crying to us when the car breaks down.</p>
<p>What exactly is the problem? She’s an 18 year old woman. She’s attending college.
She has a part time job. She has a boyfriend. She visits her boyfriend on the weekends.
She texts a lot during the day. She lies to her mother about spending time with her boyfriend because she knows that her mother is against the relationship. She sounds pretty normal to me.</p>
<p>Who pays for the phone she is sending the text on? Who pays for gas and insurance on the car? If you are paying for any of that, you are enabling her.</p>
<p>Trust me I get that, but Because of all the lying & sneaking around I worry that her focus is not where it needs to be. She’s putting little to no effort into her life at college, she’s lying to her family. She’s driving back & forth on very little sleep. All these bad decisions are just the beginning of many more I fear that she will regret.
I know, it’s her life. It’s life to screw up if she chooses.
It’s just hard to let go & sit back & watch her do it.
I just think if she wants to be treated like an adult, maybe she should start acting like one.</p>
<p>We pay the cell bill. Her grandma gave her the car. She pays for the gas & we pay the insurance & most maintenance.</p>
<p>I would not help my kid drive an older car long distances on too little sleep. It’s time for the car to come home to stay until she can develop better judgement.</p>
<p>Personally, I would stop paying for insurance and switch to a phone without a text plan. When the lying stops and she demonstrates more maturity, she can have those things back.</p>
<p>If my parents told me that I couldn’t see my girlfriend when I wanted, I’d disown them. Maybe that’s because I’m an 19 year old male who pays for everything himself as opposed to a 18 year old female who apparently doesn’t. In the end, no matter what gets posted on here, she’s both your daughter and (legally) an adult. Weigh your options thoroughly. You don’t want to push her away more than you two are right now.</p>
<p>My personal opinion: Give her some space; most college kids need it. It could be so much worse. lol</p>
<p>Is it legal for her (as an adult) to be dating a minor?</p>
<p>I think the real issue goes beyond lying to her parents and driving long distance in a potentially unsafe car.</p>
<p>I believe the real question to ask is, why is she spending all of her time to keep coming back home to her boyfriend 2 years younger than her. Two year difference at her stage, when she is a college kid and her boyfriend is a high school junior who is too young to even have a driver’s license, is a big deal and very symbolic. Add to this, the common developmental observation that girls are much more mature than boys till they hit 20s and beyond. Unless her boyfriend is unbelievably mature beyond his age by a wide margin, the chasm between her world and his is huge. Besides, it’s not like she has a very long history with this HS junior (only a few month before she left home). </p>
<p>A much more developmentally appropriate (expected) behavior on her part is to be excited about her new life as a semi independent young adult, making new friends, enjoying the company of other excited young people like her, and exploring all that this new life has to offer. </p>
<p>Yet, she is not really getting integrated into this new world (spending most of her time shut up in her room and texting to her boyfriend). She seems almost obsessive about the way she clings to her boyfriend who has no idea what her new and much wider world looks like. It almost seems to me, that coming home to her boyfriend is like avoiding whatever is bothering her in her new life in college, escaping what’s new and scary, and finding comfort in what’s familiar and non-threatening. </p>
<p>If I were the parent in this situation, I would have a long conversation about how she is doing in college, what kind of friends she is making, how the course work is going, what kind of interaction she is having with faculty, etc. If indeed she is having a hard time, my attention will be on how to help her on this dimension. I would put the surface issue (boyfriend, driving, lying) on a back burner until the real issue is addressed. </p>
<p>If all this checks out, and there is no “root cause”, and indeed this is a true case of “love of her life”, well then, it’s her decision and her life. If that’s the case, the more the parents react badly to her choice of how and with whom she spends her time, the more problematic the whole thing will become. </p>
<p>That said, my bet is, she is having a bit of difficulty adjusting to her new life, and focus of her parents’ concerns should be more on this issue (root cause) than lying and driving (symptom) </p>
<p>All this may be my shallow pop psychology. Just my opinion, which may be worth nothing.</p>
<p>I agree with pugmadkate. I think having a car in your freshman year is a very bad idea. I get that she’ll want to see her bf, but the car ------ is distracting her from getting involved in her new life at college. Explain that the car needs to stay at home for the semester.</p>
<p>And about the phone. She should keep that, but pay for all those text messages. Work it out so she sees how often she’s doing this and that there’s a cost involved. Of course, the cost is also lost time away from studying and getting involved in the college.</p>
<p>If she’d like to be treated like an adult, she should start behaving like one too. Setting priorities, understanding finances. Just try to be open about the BF. It’s likely to cool off if you let it.</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice. I appreciate all the different opinions.
<em>We were never really concerned when she starting dating this younger boy, because she was kind of a late bloomer socially & we chalked it up to he was more her speed. She had a Bf freshman year & he cheated on her so she was pretty sour on guys for a while.</em>In the short while that she’s <em>been at school her roomates seem to like her and have gone out of there way to try to hang out with her. She’s attractive & has a nice personality & many boys have already asked her out. I know college is a huge adjustment but it’s all she’s ever talked about.</em>I’vee given her her space & I think it’s time for some tough love. We shouldn’t be expected to support this reckless behavior. She wants us to be there when it suits her, but to but out when it doesn’t. Better she learn now, that’s not how life works.</p>
<p>I tend to agree that your daughters lies are more of a symptom of her social insecurities. Very attractive girls can be just as insecure as everyone else, and her coming home to see the younger boyfriend at a time when everything is so new on campus says that she is holding on to what she is comfortable with. The texts are more telling than anything else…insecure girls will use texting as a form of communication because they are not comfortable with either person to person contact or even a phone call which requires more communication than simple short texts. Are you finding that your daughters communication with you is getting increasingly difficult? If that is the case than you could talk to her about the difficulties she might be experiencing regarding her adjustment to college life. </p>
<p>I have a daughter who is clued to the cell phone and only communicates via text. When her phone rings you could almost see the expression on her face change to the deer in the headlight look. I understand your concern about the texting and it is a familiar one. My daughter texted through many of her classes her first year of college. Unfortunately my daughter is no longer at the school she started out in and many of the reasons why have to do with similar issues that you have mentioned. I know it is easier said than done but sometimes it is just better to let them find out things for themselves. If she fails a couple of midterms it will be her failing grades, and if it means she loses her scholarship or grant money than she will come home. There is not a whole lot you could do regarding the texting short of cutting the phone off and insisting that she pay for her own. The car on the other hand is something you could do something about. I personally do not think that any freshman should have a car on campus their first year. The old beaters are just not safe for long distance driving. Freshman students are pushing all kinds of boundaries and drinking is often one of them. They should not have a vehicle at their disposal or at their friends disposal during this transitional year.</p>
<p>Good luck and keep in mind that college age kids lie when they feel they need to. Maybe less judgement and more understanding may be a better approach. She is the girl you always knew, but now she is away on her own and is trying to establish herself as an independent young woman.</p>
<p>“Her father and I are thinking the only thing left to do that might help her get focused on school is to take the car awY”</p>
<p>I’m not sure why she has a car if you didn’t expect her to use it to leave campus. I’m not sure I would call her leaving with the car that was provided to her “sneaking” around. There is a reason why many campuses don’t allow freshmen to have cars on campus. Building a community takes time and effort. It’s normal for many kids not to want to escape to a more “comfortable” relationship. I happened to see my son at our home town with his HS girlfriend during the first month or two of school. He didn’t tell me about it and I suspect this wasn’t the first time they met up. I respected his space and didn’t ask him how often he was off campus. They broke up mid semester as S wanted to be more involved at school. If she has to “lie” to you to see the BF, you’ll just cut off communication.</p>
<p>BTW, texting that often is normal for college kids. It’s how they communicate.</p>
<p>I think this is transitional behavior. Adjusting to college is difficult, especially before new relationships gel, and actually, we know many kids who come home quite often in this first phase. </p>
<p>The boyfriend also sounds like a transitional figure, a person she can see who represents home and her past life, but who also does not make her feel like she is regressing by visiting her actual family. I have seen this a lot too. In fact, some very unlikely romances seem to spring up at the end of senior year, or during the pre-college summer, and they often seem to happen between kids who were very connected to their homes, as a way to leave.</p>
<p>Honestly, I would back off and support her. She really has given no indication that you should do anything other than trust her (um, other than lying, which was triggered by your restrictions). You can talk with her about the difficulties of adjustment, how they are normal, and how leaving every weekend will just make it harder. Perhaps she will tell you how it is for her on those long empty weekends that some kids experience in the first months of freshman year.</p>
<p>My daughter is a junior and has 4 roommates. Two of them are still seeing high school boyfriends, every weekend, believe it or not. This is a top school with students from all over the world. The roommates are accomplished people, but still get their comfiness in the world by seeing these boyfriends very often.</p>
<p>Honestly, I think it would help your perspective to understand that some kids, and their families, are struggling with some serious problems: substance abuse, mental and medical health issues, collapse of motivation, not to mention poverty and hunger. Your daughter sounds like she is doing fine. You guys just need to agree on how you are going to handle her new adult status, and how you are going to handle this transitional stage of her life.</p>
<p>There may be no right answer, only one that honors her growing maturity, and keeps her safe, while preserving your connection to each other for the long term.</p>
<p>She probably won’t stop texting; that’s just how some kids communicate these days. But, a simple solution is to simply take away the car. That won’t mean she won’t visit the BF, but you definitely want her to enjoy her college: participate in clubs, etc. </p>
<p>I’m going to suspect you’ve spoken with her about her driving and subsequent lying episodes. I suggest, instead, that you focus your discussions on what she’s doing right … how her classes are, what clubs she has joined, how the food is. She might even be feeling that “she doesn’t know you anymore, because you just talk about the time she lied…”</p>
<p>Get a real conversation going.</p>
<p>Having gone through this with my S, I have more empathy with the OP. I’m not sure she is really expressing what is bothering her. Perhaps I am projecting.</p>
<p>I agree that an 18 year-old has the right to leave campus and see her boyfriend without her mother’s opinion, and that the OP’s attitude is too controlling.</p>
<p>However, when a first sexual relationship becomes so consuming (sorry, 650 texts a day is not normal) that it overshadows everything else, it is veering into addiction and can be very damaging as any addiction can.</p>
<p>We watched our S, who had a wonderful frosh year at his dream LAC, devolve because he had an obsessive relationship with his GF. They moved into one room, a tiny, tiny single, and texted each other, even when the other was standing right next to them.</p>
<p>They retreated into a world that only they were in.</p>
<p>And yes, it involved lying.</p>
<p>I had no objection to this relationship before it showed these signs of danger.</p>
<p>GF wanted to totally exclude us from our S’s life, and it almost happened.</p>
<p>Two years of school were not wasted, exactly, but less than they could have been with real academic dips.</p>
<p>I didn’t quite know what to do.</p>
<p>I did not “lower the boom” on my son financially or emotionally, but I did wage a campaign of showing him what he was sacrificing for an obviously unhealthy situation.</p>
<p>He finally decided to see a counselor when some negative results surfaced.</p>
<p>Things are back on track. Relationship is over. Grades and enthusiasms are back where they should be, but there were permanent losses.</p>
<p>There were also probably permanent gains. S had his 21 b’day yesterday, and I can honestly say that he is a fully functioning adult. I am very proud of him.</p>
<p>However, it was frustrating when everyone told me I was micromanaging his life and to just back off.</p>
<p>Is that what we say for drug use?</p>
<p>Like any addiction, a codependent relationship can be very damaging, especially when there are major personality shifts and lying becomes a dominant character trait. The lying may have more to do with the addictive behavior than the parents’ reactions.</p>
<p>OP: Try to set some limits. One weekend out of two, etc etc. One weekend at our house, one at his or we take away the car.</p>
<p>It’s not unreasonable to help a child set limits.</p>
<p>50 texts a day might be a good place to start. She can’t really integrate into college life if she is totally involved with texting BF.</p>
<p>I don’t think the relationship is the problem; I think the intensity of the relationship is the problem.</p>
<p>I agree with mythmom. This sounds excessive.</p>
<p>Does grandma know that granddaughter is driving the car every weekend?</p>
<p>What do the boy’s parents think? IMO they can’t be happy w/650 texts a day. He has responsibilities too.</p>
<p>Hang in there, OP.</p>
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<p>Of course she has the “right.” And her parents have the right to not pay for anything. However, they are being very generous and she is taking advantadge of them.</p>
<p>Your advice to the parents about setting limits with the car is nice in theory but it’s only September and she’s already lied to them twice about using the car. It’s not controlling to decline to wait for a third time to take the car away.</p>