<p>…Maybe that is why they are at community college…</p>
<p>I agree that was too much. My hs D took a course at CC over the summer. It was very convenient easing her schedule. She learned a lot and had a postive experience. I think CC provides stepping stones to many people. No need to act underhanded.</p>
<p>Nothing “underhanded” about it. (Do you know what that word means?) I very openly do not think that most CCs routinely attract the best conventional students as their full time attendees. And if the majority of the students at the CC in question sit in class texting continuously, then they are not engaged students. Period.</p>
<p>Hate me if you want. Go ahead and tell me so in a PM. But let’s stop hijacking the thread.</p>
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… or, newBeginning, you could just make a point of avoiding those forums that are clearly labeled with the word “Parent.”</p>
<p>You appear to be a rising senior with an interest in NYU and other selective colleges, is that correct? If that’s so, it’s a mistake to diss the parents. Some of them actually have a lot of information that could be valuable to you. Some are admissions professionals, some are faculty and administration members at top schools, and some are alums or parents of students at expensive schools who have actually figured out how to pay for that pricey education. They’ve helped a LOT of students over the years. But they do like to be treated with courtesy first.</p>
<p>And sorry to go OT - but it always bugs me when people object to presence of the parents forum. Just don’t read it if it’s so troubling to you.</p>
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<p>Nah–the phone isn’t used primarily as an instrument for kids to talk on (except to their parents who don’t text).</p>
<p>Sopranomom- I, too, am surprised that so many posters, and the OP, apparently, seem so unconcerned about the laws regarding an adult having sex with a minor. The Op has said that the daughter spends nights in their town, but not at their house, which she assumes are spent with the 16 year old. I’m sorry, but this is not ok. In my state, and any state where the age of consent is 18, this young woman could be prosecuted.
Age does matter when the person in question is a minor. Given the level of obsession these two have with one other,combined with the apparent opportunity, sex is very likely happening, yet I saw no mention of it directly in the OPs posts.<br>
My concern would be with the boy, as well as the young woman. And I don’t think there’s anything immature about a parent calling another when their “kids” are in trouble, regardless of age. It’s not “help me with my problem,” but rather “lets communicate and stay informed of what’s going on.”<br>
If my 18 year old son whom I was still supporting were sleeping with a 16 year old girl, I wouldn’t just butt out. The law would see the 16 year old girl as a victim, and my son as the perpetrator. Worry about his college grades and texting obsession would seem secondary to me under the circumstances.</p>
<p>She’s an adult paying for the entirety of her college education.</p>
<p>The mom says that she signed a Plus Loan. </p>
<p>I don’t know how much it was for, but it doesn’t sound like this kid got a merit scholarship - just some need-based aid - so the Plus loan could be for $10k or more…for EACH YEAR.</p>
<p>OP…how much is the Plus Loan that you signed? Even if your D agreed to help pay or pay for it, YOU are responsible for it.</p>
<p>Re: Texting…this girl is doing it 650 times per day. That is not normal. Yes, young adults text a GREAT deal. But not this much. I gave an example from my own daughter who I think of as texting often (when I am in NYC to visit her, I see her doing it when walking, etc.) But her average is 51 per day. She is very engaged in her activities, work and at one time was a student before this. There is no way to text 650 times per day and still do well in school and be actively engaged in college life. It is a problem whether or not she has a boyfriend. Denise asked what if her texts were to her girlfriends, but I think it doesn’t matter who she texts. Yes, it is obsessive with the boyfriend but the bottom line is that her time is spent texting instead of doing what college students need to be doing. I think if the mom has a way to limit the texts on that phone, she should do so and not enable this behavior. The daughter could find a way around it…such as making REAL calls (what a concept) or buying another phone, etc. </p>
<p>I do find it very odd that the boyfriend, who is a minor in high school’s, parents allow the GF to sleep over every weekend. I’m not sure the OP can do much about that.</p>
<p>Exactly…the mom is paying toward the college expense. I think she has a right as a parent paying for college to have some ground rules such as staying at the college most weekends, and getting certain grades, and not texting every 90 seconds and using her time to be a college student. </p>
<p>These are reasonable expectations for a very costly education. If the child doesn’t want to be there any of the weekends, she should go to college locally and live at home. If she wants to text every waking minute, she won’t be able to succeed academically or acclimate to college life. That may be her choice, but the parent doesn’t have to fund that choice.</p>
<p>sooz- I don’t see where we have information that the GF sleeps over at the boy’s house every weekend, or at their home at all. The daughter tells her mom she’s staying at a friend’s house, and the mom assumes the boy is involved, as they aren’t texting during that time. Good assumption. But, they could both be at a friend’s house, or a hotel, or the car or who knows where. </p>
<p>It’s very possible that neither of the boy’s parents knows he is spending the night with her. He could be telling his parents that he’s staying with friends as well, and they may not even know she’s in town. </p>
<p>I would find it worrisome if my “kid” were sleeping with a minor without the parent’s knowledge.
I would find it weird if my kid were sleeping with a minor with the parent’s blessing. That’s why I question whether they both know.</p>
<p>I am concerned about the age difference. I never thought this relationship would last past the summer. She just turned 18.
The text messages are 90% to the BF. The rest are to girlfriends & old teamates that she keeps in touch with.
When she was in highschool she had more of a social life.
She’s played basketball pretty much year round up until HS.
During the summer she talked about joining college clubs & trying out for the basketball team, but all that went out the window when she got caught up with the HS BF.
She did break up with him for a few days last week, because she said they knew it couldn’t work, but they were back together by the weekend.
I do think this relationship will end, and for now I need to put my focus on my daughter and not the BF.
I haven’t ruled out discussing my concerns with his parents though.</p>
<p>moonchild…hmm…I guess I got the idea that the OP’s D was staying at the BF’s house (he lives with one of his parents) in the first post:</p>
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<p>So, they may be spending some nights at the BF’s parent’s house. But even if at a friend’s house, I imagine the friend is also in high school and lives with parents too?</p>
<p>By the way, to those who say the OP cannot insist on the car staying home this semester (which it should as the D is using it to leave college too often which is not good for freshmen and most colleges do not even allow freshmen to have cars) and who say the car was given by grandma…the OP has stated that the car is in the FATHER’s name. My kids’ grandmother paid off the car payments for our kids’ car and while it is in one of our D’s possession, we consider it ours. It has been in our name except one year, last year, when D (a grad student) had to register the car in the state of her grad school in order to get a residential parking permit and in fact, she has now left that state and is overseas and her car is back in our name. We own the car. It’s for the kids. It is a privilege that they have it.</p>
<p>Thanks for returning, ls4218. I’m sure this is very worrisome for you, and rightly so.</p>
<p>If she broke up with him once, it shows that she knows this is not what’s best for her or him. I think I would emphasize with her the “not best for him” aspect of what she already knows in her heart, as it sounds like you two do talk. I wonder if she is aware of the statutory rape laws in your state. It might give her some pause.</p>
<p>It is very hard to separate her behavior from this relationship. If they broke up, you would no doubt see the texting drop dramatically and her school participation increase.</p>
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<p>Given the fact that what I have witnessed at Umich is ten times more egregious than what I witnessed when I attended community college, yes, I do think it has very little to do with the type of school they attend. The kids who were screwballs in high school don’t end up staying in community college for very long. It takes a hell of a lot of discipline to succeed in that environment, where your classes aren’t just steps away so you can wake up after a night of partying and jaunt on over, and you probably don’t have a strong social group who is going through the same thing to support you, and it is a very humbling experience for many. You have to want it and be willing to work for it or they’ll show you the door. Someone that assumes that a significant portion of CC students must just be disengaged academic rejects clearly has never spent a significant amount of time on a CC campus.</p>
<p>I only know for certain she stayed at his house once.
The second time I caught her I drove by his house on a Saturday and her car was outside.
At that point I dont know how long she had been down, but from her text records it looks like she got down friday afternoon, spent time with him, stayed the night by herself at a GF house, and then went to his house the next morning.
I took them back to our house and had a talk with them.
I told her no reason to rush back now, since she was already in town.
I told her she could stay the night at home if she wanted.
She went back to his house to hang out and told me that his mom was going to have a bbq and if it ran to late she would stay in town & his mom offered to let her sleep in his room while he slept on the couch.
I KNOW NOW…big mistake. I should have insisted she just sleep in her own bed at home.</p>
<p>The OP’s daughter sounds like she is very immature for her age and as a result the mother will have a difficult time addressing some of these issues. When an 18 year old is living on campus before they are emotionally ready they will do these ridiculous things like texting thousands of minutes each month, drive the old beater places it was not intended for, and date boys who are now out of their experience range. It is baffling for parents who have solid mature daughters to understand this behavior and the parents seem to get the backlash for their childs behavior. It is hard to imagine that an 18 year year old can not be spoken to in a mature and appropriate way, but unless you have a child with delayed emotional maturity the frustration is difficult to even explain.
These kids often present with behavior similar to what you would expect of a 14 or 15 year old except they are living away from home and do not seem to be navigating the path to emerging adulthood. Since my own experience, I often find myself saying to parents with immature kids…keep them home for a while and hopefully they will grow up. It is not easy to have your 18,19, or 20 year old living at home when the natural path after highschool is to go off to college but some kids are simply too young to progress forward as their same age peers. Not all 18 year olds are ready to live away from their families…just the way many 14 years olds should not be on their own.</p>
<p>Consolation, I don’t need to hate you. I just find what you say despicable. Your reference about CC in both of your posts are unnecessasry. No need to put them down when they are trying to be a contributing member of the society.</p>
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<p>Check your state laws, of course, but I think you’ll find most states don’t have a problem with an underage minor sleeping with someone within a few years of age of them. It’s sometimes called “the Romeo and Juliet law,” as the famous fictional lovers were underage. (Romeo was 16 and Juliet was 13, I think?)</p>
<p>OP, the biggest problem is the excessive texting, IMO. Maybe you should give your daughter a “pay as you go” phone. I have one of those–you buy phone cards for it whenever your minutes get low–and boy do I keep an eye on my call times. It deducts a little bit of airtime for every text you give/send. Your daughter would still have the ability to Skype and IM her boyfriend, so it’s not a perfect solution, but at least she wouldn’t be texting him during class. (Unless she has a laptop with internet capability in the classroom. Then . . . uh, yeah, I don’t know.)</p>
<p>But he is in high school and so how does he text during the school day?</p>
<p>I’d be curious to know what her previous texting patterns looked like. Did she go from texting four people for a total of 100 times a day to texting ten people the 650. The ten people being other friends or family in addition to her boyfriend? In addition, what do her minutes look like. Has she substituted text for the phone? Conversations which would have lasted ten minutes now consist of 50 texts?</p>
<p>If she was a problem texter before then what did the OP expect when she left for college. If she wasn’t then the breakdown of who she’s texting does matter. She obviously is in need of support and is getting it via text.</p>