I wanted to make my essay sound more decorative and sophisticated, but I believe it sounds more pretentious than pretty. How can I tell how bad it is and what can I do about it?
The point of an admissions essay is to convey a message, not look decorative.
Additionally, when people use fancy words they don’t fully understand, the writing often seems slightly off. Write in your own voice, not that of the thesaurus.
If it does not sound natural to you, trust your instinct and change it. The goal of the essay is to help the admissions office learn about you as a person, so you are not just a bunch of numbers. Think about that goal as you write.
You might give your essay to an English teacher or other trusted adult to read. (Do NOT share it on this forum. I never understand why people would do that.)
A nice narrative that shows the qualities they like beats decorative. Keep in mind, it’s an essay for college admissions, not a writing contest.
Make sure it’s a positive message about you, then edit. They aren’t looking for flourishes.