For most of my high school life, I’ve had my sights set on the elite schools like MIT, Harvard, etc. Everyone told me that’s where I was headed because I’m smart, take hard classes, and get good grades. Then a little later on I learned that academics isn’t enough for these places, that I also need extracurriculars and good recommendations and good essays. And a little later after that, I learned that you needed the best extracurriculars and the best recommendations and the best essays. Everyone I’ve talked to has told me, “They don’t need to accept you, there are 50 other people lined up right behind you”. So I played into this whole thing, doing whatever “looked good” and avoiding all the “red flags”. Everything I could do so that maybe, just maybe, they’d consider me. Honestly it feels like I’ve whored myself out for the past two years; all my actions have just been to please the mythical college gods. I have to admit, going to an Ivy League is a dream for me, almost a fantasy, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m just exhausted. And not like the “it’s exhuasting but it’ll all be worth it once I get in” kind of exhausting, it’s more of the “what the hell am I doing this is pointless” kind of exhausting. This feels like it’s all for nothing. I feel like no matter what I do, there’s always gonna be 100 more kids who did it a little bit better than me. I’ve invested so much time and energy into doing things I hate just because it “looks good”. I hate it.
I think the best thing for me is to settle with going to state school. My instates are great schools and honestly I’d love to go to one of them. I’ll definitely get in just based on grades and test scores, and I’m not gonna have to worry about my EC’s or recs or essays. I just want to get rid of all the stress. Am I wrong to do this? I feel like I’m giving up on my dreams, but at the moment it feels like a nightmare and I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore.
No, you are not wrong. Too much stress and anxiety will make you a very unhappy person. Your dreams are to complete your education. You will do that with a lot less stress than the MIT guy, plus, you’ll get the same opportunities.
Take some time and think about what you truly want, rather than thinking only about those mythical college admission gods. Is this really your dream, or is it what you’ve been lead to believe should be the dream of every smart high school kid? Have you identified what elements of top schools attract you other than prestige? Even within the Ivy League athletic conference, there are significant differences in schools - some you might be happy at, some might make you miserable regardless of prestige.
First, have you and your parents talked about paying for college? That often is a major factor in choosing schools. If your family has financial need, top schools are often very generous with need-based aid. If you need merit scholarships, you are not going to get those at top schools. They don’t need to discount their tuition to attract top students.
Next, have you visited schools? Do you have a feel for the type of environment you want to live in for 4 years? It’s great that you have strong state schools. Have you looked at whether any offer Honors or other programs that you might be interested in applying for? Have you gone to the different campuses to see what you like/don’t like?
Have you thought about private schools that are not Ivy League schools? There’s a huge range of incredibly great colleges and universities out there. Some of them are well-known across the country (usually because of athletics). Others may not be as well-known but offer phenomenal educational opportunities. If you’ve got strong grades and test scores, many schools with less prestige may offer you merit scholarships that can make them very affordable.
You should participate in ECs that matter to you - not choose what you think will impress colleges. Exhausting yourself trying to do the “right” ECs for schools that reject 90-95% of applicants is pointless. Think about what you enjoy or are passionate about rather than what others tell you will impress colleges.
Attending an Ivy League school does have advantages. However, the vast majority of people will not attend and Ivy, and many still somehow end up having successful and satisfying lives .
Best of luck to you. Remember that it’s your life, and you should find your own path rather than following what others think should be your path.
Do things you love. Don’t spoil the things you love by worrying about how to be the greatest at them. My older daughter wrote her common app essay about an activity she loves to do, but struggles to be any good at. It’s in the binder of “all time best essays” at the non-elite school she is attending.
If it feels like a nightmare, it’s not your dream. It might be someone else’s dream, but it’s not yours.
Recognizing that there are other options out there is a great step towards finding your own path. Keep looking at schools and paring your activities down to places you really want to be. You already have your state school as one option, and you might discover another school or two before application time comes, too
Definitely get off the hamster wheel. Only continue doing ECs that are meaningful to you and authentic to your hopes and values.
I am assuming that you are not currently a senior. There is a world of colleges out there between the hyper selective universities and your good state schools. Go ahead and apply to your state universities. You can get a great education there. Also start thinking about visiting some liberal arts colleges that are outside the top 25 (trying to minimize the stress.) The smaller close knit environments may appeal to you and they offer a great education as well. In my part of the country most students even the brightest do not go to the coasts for their educations.
Good, I am glad you discovered this now, rather than be freaking out in April 2018 that you didn’t get in anywhere.
That said, you don’t have to throw in the towel. You can still dream. Fill out an app to MIT. But fill out apps to match and safety schools too. Get off the hamster wheel, and enjoy being a teenager and enjoying life.
Another vote for getting off the hamster wheel. Get good grades and push yourself to do your best, but take classes because you want to, and do the ECs you want to do.
My S is a junior and a likely National Merit Finalist. He decided early on that he wouldn’t be applying to schools where it’s like winning the lottery to get in - not to mention paying for it. This has given him a lot of freedom. He’s never had to make a single class choice based on “if I don’t take this exact list of classes, there goes my shot at valedictorian.” He’s never had to endure a single EC or volunteer hour because “it will look good on my college application.”
His ECs have been things that he’s truly interested in - Anime Club, a writer’s club, drama club, emergency response training.
He’s taken the SAT once (1490 new SAT), and might take it once more to nudge it above 1500. No ACT. No SAT IIs. He hates standardized testing, so he’s super happy that the SAT is all he has to do.
Don’t get me wrong - he’s an accomplished kid with a 3.99uw/4.5w GPA and a nice SAT score, but he’s just shy of being one of those tippy-top students – and all of us are just fine with that.
He will be applying to 5 or 6 OOS schools that offer large NMF scholarships. He has one wildcard school - Tulane. It’s not a dream school for him, just one he thinks he might like and has a decent chance at the amount of merit aid he’d need to make it work.
Not having a dream school means he won’t be disappointed no matter what happens. Having several big scholarship schools is great for him because he knows he can pick whichever one he likes best, and he doesn’t feel like he’s sacrificing anything.
DiotimaDM We all have a lot to learn from your post. It sounds like you are one wonderful parent with a great kid with his head on his shoulders. My child has the same approach and it’s a beautiful thing.
Please, please, jump off this train! Spend time on ECs that YOU love, take the courses that fit YOU, not some mythical admission profile. This country is full of great schools that are not an Ivy, MIT or Stanford. You can get a stellar education and be a happy and successful person at a state university. Or at a smaller LAC. There is no one-size-fits-all. Pick up one of the college guides (Fiske, et al) and start paging through. See what catches your eye. What do you think you might like to study? Do you want urban, rural, or in between? What part of the country? How near or far from home? How big is too big and how small is too small? If you can, visit different types of schools and pay attention what YOU think are the pros and cons about each one.
And when it’s time, come up with a list of target, safety and reach schools. Only apply to schools you’d actually like to attend. And if money is an issue, make sure you (or your parents) run the Net Price Calculator for each school you’re considering so you know if it looks financially feasible. Don’t get your heart set on a school your family can’t pay for!
Relax, be yourself, follow your own interests and dreams, and you’ll be okay.
Here’s another take on all of this - give some thought to why you’re so enamored with those dream schools. Is it the prestige? Is it the elite factor? Push a little deeper. Often an interest in prestige schools comes down to “because then I’ll feel like I really am somebody.” A lot of the time, the school is a proxy for the person’s self-worth.
If that’s the case for you, give it some hard thought. A school is what tells you what kind of human being you are? A person’s self-worth shouldn’t come from a school, especially not with the lottery factor. If it’s really about who you are, and who you want to be, then find ways to be that and become that. Chances are, being the best you will have a lot more to do with what you do at pretty much any school in the country than it will the name of the school you get into.
I don’t think that you are confused. I think that you are very sensible to think this way. We put way too much stress on our high school students, and our high school students pay the price. To some extent parents also pay the price.
When I was your age all I needed to do to get into a top university was to get high grades, and be the top in my high school in math and physics, and show up to take SATs (no preparation needed). For me this was all actually quite easy. Today of course this wouldn’t be even close to enough to get into the same top university that I went to many years ago. But then probably I would have been better off if I didn’t go to the very stressful “top university”, but went to the top public university where I lived (which is very good for a public university, and which I did get into, and which would have been less stressful but still academically excellent).
You said “My instates are great schools”. You didn’t say which state you are in, but if your “instates” plural are multiple great schools, then I am thinking you might be in California. Yes, several of the University of California state schools are fabulous. There is no reason to get stressed out to go anywhere else. Even if you are not in California, if your best instate university is strong, and if you can get in without getting stressed out, then go for it.
You asked: “Am I wrong to do this?”. Nope, you are very sensible (way beyond where I was at your age).
One of the smartest posts by a high school student I’ve ever seen in over 10 years on college confidential!
You are anxious with no reason to be.
DON’T DO ANYTHING EXTRACURRICULAR FOR COLLEGE ADMISSIONS THAT YOU WOULDN’T DO OTHERWISE!
Live your life. Become the person you want to be. LEARN HOW TO BE HAPPY. Plan on going to your state school. If you want, and only if you want, apply to other schools. If they don’t take you, IT’S THEIR LOSS. You have a perfect situation. You are in the driver’s seat. Bye bye stress.
Have a dream life, not a dream college. Sounds like your state school is a perfectly good gateway to that dream life.
I would stop stressing about it. Do the best you can academically and do what you enjoy in terms of ECs. When it comes time apply to a wide range of colleges but know that your state flagship would be an excellent landing spot.
OP, my D was considering Princeton and another lottery-type school, but ultimately decided not to put herself in the position to live with that much stress. She’s never done an EC that she didn’t love, and she ended up accepted at some of the top public flagships in the country.
Take lots of deep breaths. It may take awhile for your body to learn how to “calm down” again, but you can do it.
Trying to check off the boxes that college admissions typically like to see doesn’t really set you apart from the pack as compared to pursuing things you enjoy and are passionate about. AO’s can tell the difference and appreciate the latter much more. Slow down a bit and reassess YOUR priorities and learning style. Then take another look at the ivies and see if they still hold any appeal. Early in my D15’s process she was focused on one of the lottery schools until we really assessed what was right for her personal temperament and learning style and realized it would not be a good fit at all. And frankly, if you are feeling the pressure to keep up now, I don’t think it will get easier at an ivy. It’s not like once you’re in you stop competing with everyone else or put less pressure on yourself. So my 2 cents worth of advice is to focus on (and show initiative in) activities that reflect your true interests, and when you are selecting your schools chose fit over prestige. Best of luck!!
Knowing yourself is a good lesson to learn and you have learned early that your choices impact your happiness. There is absolutely nothing wrong with selecting different schools and sticking with ECs that you enjoy. Don’t chase Ivies only to make others happy. I would like to believe that your clarity of mind, personal peace, and happiness matter more to those close to you than prestige names. Talk to you parents about it.
No need to not apply to your “dream” colleges if you have one: just apply along with other good schools and see what happens. If some colleges reject a person who enjoyed her ECs and seems to be a relatively happy person, so be it. I know what you mean and from high school to graduate school, I only studied hard on courses I liked and maintained 2.9 gpa throughout my academic career. When I realized I had to “wh*re” myself to work for and advance in a large company, I started my own business, did pretty well and retired early. My attitude during my school years was “I am saving my energy for the real world when it really counts; and since I am going to open my own business I don’t have to take courses for grades but just find some classes I enjoy and which would teach me something I need for future.” I was so nonchalant about my grades that other students thought I must have 4.0 gpa without studying too much, and I never interviewed for a job until I graduated from college. Humans are funny but powerful creatures: If you have the ability to not let grades or where you live or schools you attend define or limit you, you will go far. Do not let some petty things define or limit you especially when you are young.
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