I Have A Confession....

Parents Forum
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<p>Guidance counselors at our school stressed the time the college app process could take, comparing it to taking an additional course senior year. </p>

<p>In an attempt to head off what I suspected could be a stressful fall, I told D her parents would pay the app fees for any apps completed over the summer. Apps that waited until the fall would be at her expense. (The common app was available by July, as I recall.)</p>

<p>Well, her first choice school sabotaged us by sending her a letter to tell her they were waiving the app fee for her. So she had no incentive to move quickly there. But I do remember her last app, done during late fall. "They're asking if we are paying by credit card or check. What should I put down?" D asked. Clearly, she hoped to get some parental indulgence there. "However you prefer to do it," I calmly answered -- and said nothing more. (D had both her own checking account and her own credit card from the age of 16.) </p>

<p>But her summer app to a state school got her a nice early rolling admission and offer of a scholarship tied to their honors program. So the app process, for us, was stress-free considering what it could have been. She also applied to only four schools, as she found most of the others we had visited less appealing than her early #1 choice.</p>

<p>The angst came in the spring, when she was weighing her options and could not decide between two schools (choice #1 -- private at full pay but with parents telling her she would need to assume a portion of the cost herself, and choice #2 -- the state school with honors program that would have her with money left over in her college fund for travel, car, and/or post-undergrad plans. She went back and forth for weeks, deciding one way and then changing course. Teachers at her school and family friends weighed in as well. </p>

<p>We her parents absolutely refused to "steer" her, even when asked what we thought she should do. "No way do I want her ever to be able to blame me if she later regrets her decision," I told H.</p>

<p>She made her final, and since that point unwavering, decision following an area accepted students reception for school #1. I had dropped off an undecided and returned to pick up a committed student. I now refer to that event as the "$120,000 tea." (What did they have that tea laced with?" I had to wonder. ;) )</p>

<p>She graduates this spring. No regrets on either her part or ours.</p>

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<p>This is an addendum to my previous post, as I had not really addressed the original poster's agenda re most troubling part of the process.</p>

<p>Our problem:</p>

<p>I kept thinking that there had to be more than one "great fit" school for my D, and we just had to keep looking to find it/them. Despite much time and mileage, we never found any that she liked nearly as much as her #1 choice. So many trips were "wasted" in terms of coming up with additions to her list. Perhaps we limited ourselves too much geographically and/or in terms of selectivity. But logically, there should have been viable alternatives, as we live in a college-heavy region (Northeast). </p>

<p>(D applied to only four schools, all within 5 hours of home, each one an academic/admissions "match." No reaches, no safeties. But the rolling admit school functioned as a safety.) </p>

<p>I think there would have been some additional interesting options if we had expanded the geographic range, but we all had concurred on that aspect. </p>

<p>D was very judgmental about some schools we visited, and I feel they deserved to be given more of a chance by her. On the other hand, perhaps she just knew right off what "felt" right and saw no point in trying to force something that was not a natural fit. Her struggle at the end mainly had to do with the cost vs. fit issue.</p>

<p>I think some kids are more flexible/easier to fit than others, and my D is one who requires certain specific conditions to thrive (an orchid kid). My S, six years younger, who got dragged along on all these trips, is much more flexible (a marigold kid) and actually took a liking to several schools that she spurned.</p>

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<p>Apps fell into one of two categories: First choice (no problem getting the info in) and all others (no motivation). Luckily for him, first choice weighed in early enough for my kid to never finish the also-rans. For his second-choice, when he finally REALLY looked at the app, some essays were going to be due THE NEXT DAY! So much for second choice.</p>

<p>There were two essays that he did that I gave comments on. On the first one, I gave him too much "advice" (stressfull). On the second one, I read what he had - thought it was fine - and just pointed out a few grammatical errors for him to fix (no stress). I recommend the second approach. Let his voice come through (and it was the second essay that was for his first choice school).</p>

<p>He also had to submit a portfolio, for which I wanted to give advice as well. But he completed the whole thing without me and it was great. He included some things I never would have thought of, including some pieces he did as a younger kid. On the surface, you might not think that it would be a good idea to include unpolished work, but it showed his long term commitment to his art, and showed his progression as he matured. As it turned out, it worked to his advantage.</p>

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<p>As a student, I know I'm making January - March awful for my parents. I don't mean to - I'm just more stressed out waiting that I was doing the apps. The stress makes me upset, which either gets taken out on everyone or ends up worrying my parents.</p>

<p>Current number of breakdowns since the last app was turned in: 4
Current number of stress related illnesses: 1</p>

<p>Is it March yet?</p>

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<p>momnipotent: sounds like you all need to regularly back up the computer to CD or DVDs. Your daughter can also save her files to a CD or DVD. Or perhaps purchase an inexpensive desktop computer (there are many that are pretty cheap now if you go to sams club, costco or best buy, etc). </p>

<p>Even tho it is your son's computer, ask him if you can set up passwords on the computer (so each user has his/her own settings and cannot be erased by others) and make yourself the "administrator" (with a password) that will prevent him from erasing important programs. If you can appeal to the fact that it would protect HIM as well as others in the family, he may accept this.</p>

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<p>

Ditto! Although there were times when I felt like S1 should just live with the consequences of his disorganization, the consequences were too big.</p>

<p>Next time, I plan to do a better job of helping S2 to whittle down the list of schools to those he'd really attend. The one good thing with S1 was that we really insisted that he write his main essay over the summer. Although he revised it for different apps, it really remained essentially the same, and was a true reflection of who he is. With his incredible workload during senior year, it would have been a really bad idea to wait until school had started.</p>

<p>I also wish that we had visited schools earlier -- the whirlwind of visiting 3 schools, up and down the east coast, during 10 days in April was not fun.</p>

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<p>Aside from the stress of filling out some applications right before deadline (along with those dreaded "personal statements"), my son griped at having to fill out extensive applications for college merit scholarships - at the same time as midterms hit. It was a challenge trying to persuade him to devote significant time to the former and less time on the latter. He's a great student, but tends to overstudy. It was hard for him to rise above the "tyranny of the urgent" in favor of the "tyranny of the important." And of course, a persistant (i.e., nagging) mom like me just added fuel to the fire. Somehow, both of us survived the process and now our family is back on an even keel.</p>

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<p>Bethel,</p>

<p>I agree that it was a struggle to get D to focus on scholarship opportunities. When she began HS we discussed that if she got the grades she could go anywhere that seh was accepted to. My only caveat was that she do the work for any merit based scholarships that I felt were applicable.</p>

<p>By senior year, she had the grades but no recollection of the applying for scholarships part. She has done so less that wholeheartedly.</p>

<p>FYI, what I describe as project management the W and D describe as whining/b*tching/nagging/micro-managing.</p>

<p>So call me the heavy...</p>

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<p>
[quote]
TheDad writes: Parent-as-project manager works well. Unless a student is a "natural" at it, it's too much of a learning curve to impose on top of everything else, with consequences for a rookie screw-up being too great. Though I think by experience and example, it rubs off on them. My D has been very on top of the multi-step internship applications, semester abroad applications, etc. I think the application experience set her up for it.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I totally agree. Many teens (and some adults) are REALLY bad about understanding the need to keep track of all deadlines, req'ts, etc (My in-laws STILL miss their flights at airports and ALWAYS have to pay the penalty for booking flights for less than 7 days!!!) Therefore, it behooves the parent that is "good" at these things to be the "project manager" for this stuff. Even if you have a kid that is just naturally good at these things, its good to have another set of eyes looking at deadlines and req'ts. Like TheDad says, the costs from a mistake are just tooooo high.</p>

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<p>SJMom, as for the whittling down process, I have what may seem like an over-the-top suggestion for parents: start asking questions about various aspects of colleges (size, location, activities, etc.) along about 9th grade. The answers don't matter. It's more of a stirring the pot, things start seeping into the students consciousness that weren't there before. While on a family vacation during Spring of 9th grade, we dragged D (with tepid enthusiasm) to one college (Northwestern). The tepidness of the enthusiasm and the sometimes slightly bewildered reactions didn't matter...by the time 10th grade rolled around, that trip saw visits to five colleges and she had something as baseline to compare to plus some of those questions had been rolling around in her head for more than a year, even if some of the answers had changed. When Spring of 11th grade came, she was experienced, thoughtful, and engaged and even though one of her criteria--big-city urban environment--changed, her list was put together pretty thoughtfully, even though it was a little odd in one of its assymetries.</p>

<p>I note that it was in 9th grade that she expressed her preference for going to college in New England. "I don't want to be born, grow up, get married, have children, and die in the same small village." I looked around Los Angeles county, never having realized before that it was Anatevka.</p>

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<p><<< The answers don't matter. It's more of a stirring the pot, things start seeping into the students consciousness that weren't there before. While on a family vacation during Spring of 9th grade, we dragged D (with tepid enthusiasm) to one college (Northwestern). The tepidness of the enthusiasm and the sometimes slightly bewildered reactions didn't matter...>>></p>

<p>Ditto!! </p>

<p>When I took my "heel dragging" son to visit a "safety" last week (that he didn't want to consider), I first drove around the more appealing part of town and stopped for breakfast at a trendy "college-like" place for us to eat a late breakfast. Then we headed for the campus tour, etc. Then we grabbed pizza for dinner at another trendy "pizza/bar" hang-out" that had a bunch of kids gathered after classes. Doing it this way gave a more "positive spin" on the whole outing and made my son be more open to the school. He said that he really had a fun, great day. </p>

<p>This approach seems to be much better than just a cold approach to the school from the nearest interstate off-ramp.</p>

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<p>

LOL, TD! As one who was born and lived in So. Cal until the age of 31, and could never imagine living anywhere else, I admire your D's perception. What a smart girl!</p>

<p>Fwiw, H and I have a habit of visiting any university or college in the vicinity wherever we go. Though my kids did really like Oxford (UK) and Trinity (Dublin, Ireland) this process didn't really seem to help much when it came time for S1 to make his list. When he met with his GC, he had almost no preference regarding size, location, or anything else. (He did have his eyes almost exclusively on a school where he was ultimately waitlisted, and I don't think he had eyes for anything else.)
The rubber met the road, so to speak, during Admitted Students days. Maybe it's a failure of imagination, but I think he only really started imagining himself at these schools when the reality was hitting him in the face. I'm hoping that S2 remembers some of the schools we visited with his brother, so we can be more efficient. Ha Ha!</p>

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<p>Thedad: LOL I, too, grew up in the suburbs of Los Angeles. It wasn't until I was old enough to really travel the country did I realize that other places don't have freeway off-ramps every 1/4 mile. And, my goodness, there are such things as masses of hardwood trees :)</p>

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<p>this is interesting..hmm.... a nice experiance and learning..</p>

<p>SM</p>

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<p>
[quote]
"I don't want to be born, grow up, get married, have children, and die in the same small village." I looked around Los Angeles county, never having realized before that it was Anatevka.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>The east coast version of your child (they may have been separated at birth) lives at my house. So while you are in New England, if you want to take your "other' kid home with you :D</p>

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<p>Sybbie, I'm open to an exchange program...at least of limited duration. :)</p>

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<p>Acronym Medic is here ;)</p>

<p>TheDad:</p>

<p>I think the DODMERB is the physical for military academy appointments- it must be done by their doctors and there is fitness testing invovled.</p>

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<p>DODMERB = Dept. of Defense Medical Examination Review Board, the agency responsible for developing and reviewing the results of the tests somemom mentioned.</p>

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<p>Evocative-Musical-Theater-Reference Medic here:</p>

<p>Anatevka is the shtetl where Tevye's family has lived for generations, and where life is only manageable due to a tricky balancing act -- like a "fiddler on the roof" carefully picking out the notes.</p>