Hello everyone,
I just need to vent my feelings. I just feel so hopeless. I would really appreciate it if you take the time to read this. I’m going into my third year of college, and so far I haven’t been doing very well. I am majoring in Biology with intentions of becoming a Physician Assistant. I have been doing poorly in pretty much all my science classes. So far I have received two C’s in my Biology courses, two C’s in my math courses, and a D in General Chemistry. So far, I will definitely have to retake two of my sciences since they are the prerequisites for PA school, and most schools require that you have a B or higher in the prerequisite courses. I just don’t how I’m going to make it to PA school or even get through it if I am having such a hard time in my undergraduate science courses. I feel like my biggest problems are procrastination and time management. For example, if I know that I have an exam coming up in the next two or three weeks I tell myself “Oh I have enough time”. Then I wait until about five days before the exam to start studying. I cram so much of the material in such a short amount of time that I hardly remember everything, and then I end up not doing so well on the exam. Then I tell myself, “Oh I’ll do better on the next exam”. Then I end up doing the same thing I did for the last exam. I keep falling into this trap of procrastination and not using my time wisely. I know I should be studying for my classes or an exam for a few hours each day from day one instead of waiting until the last minute, but it’s just hard for me to get the motivation to study. Another bad habit I do is, I’ll tell myself “Okay I need to start studying for my upcoming Biology exam”. I’ll go on my laptop to start going through the power point slides my professor went through for the day and relistening to the lecture that the professor posts online. I’ll do that for like 30 minutes then I decide to surf the net for hours on end. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but it’s hard to break this habit.
I get so jealous when my fellow classmates or friends do well on an exam and I do poorly. I also get upset when I score below average on an exam. I get jealous because they are are getting the results that I want and are on a better path towards grad school. I also get upset because I know that I’m capable of doing better. My assigned lab partner and I for my Microbiology lab this past Fall 2016 semester decided to exchange numbers to help each other out with lab stuff. I kind of struggled in lab, but he helped me out so much and was very patient with me which I am very grateful for. Biology labs at my university are intertwined with lecture. A few days after our third lecture exam, my lab partner and I were working in a group with a few other students for an experiment and he asks, “What did you guys think of the third exam?” We were all talking about it, and then he brings up the second exam which many people thought was very hard and since the raw average was low, the professor had to give a huge curve for that exam. He said, “Everyone thought the second exam was hard, but I didn’t think it was that hard. And with the huge curve the professor gave I did phenomenal”. After he said that I was curious to know how he did on the first and third exam. He said he got a B- on the third and I believe he said he also got a B on the first exam. He didn’t say what his score was on the second exam, but if he said he did phenomenal I’m guessing he probably got like a 97 or 98. I just got irritated because he scored well above average on the exam that many people thought was hard and did pretty solid on the other exams and I was doing poorly. He was also doing well in lab. After the final grades were posted for the class, he texted me to ask me how did I do in the class? I got a C+ but lied and told him I got a B because I was discouraged to tell him I got a C because I assumed he got a good grade in the class, which he did. He told me “I actually did wind up getting an A. I studied 6-8 hours a day for a week for the final so I scored quite well.” I told him good job, but deep down inside I was frustrated because I wanted an A in the class. I know I shouldn’t be jealous of how he did because he worked so hard and I didn’t and he helped me out so much in lab and was a nice guy, and is a pre-med student so he has to get good grades, but I can’t overcome my jealousy. He ended up making the Dean’s list for the first time in Fall 2016 and once again this past Winter 2017.
So far my overall GPA is a 3.0. My science GPA is a 2.5. I already know I’m going to lose my scholarship again. I say again because it was pulled from me after my first year for not meeting the GPA requirement of 3.3 after only having a 3.0. I appealed it and luckily the Financial Aid Office gave it back to me to give me a second chance. They made it very clear in their email that this was a one-time exception. Once again I didn’t make the GPA requirement and now my scholarship is going to be taken away for good which it should. They gave me a second chance to raise my GPA, and I still haven’t done that. They’re not going to give me any more chances because the scholarship could’ve been given to someone who was going to take it more seriously. And they’re going to think I’m full of it because I stated in my appeal letter a plan to improve my grades, and they’re going to think I haven’t followed through with that plan. Now I have to solely rely on financial aid and student loans to pay for my tuition. It’s discouraging because I did so well in high school. I maintained a 3.9 GPA in high school and was number seven in my class of 120 students. Once I got to college, everything went downhill. College is definitely harder than high school. Especially being a science major. I asked myself “Is the medical field the path I really want to go towards?”. I can’t see myself doing anything else, I would love to save people’s lives and help those in need. I know I shouldn’t be jealous of anyone doing well in college because the only person I can blame is myself. It’s not their fault that I’m doing poorly it’s my fault. They’re obviously putting in the effort and trying their hardest and I’m not. And I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people, but it’s hard not to because they’re doing things I want. I just feel so discouraged and am developing low self-confidence. I feel like I’m wasting time, money, and my life by not doing well in college. Sorry I made you read all this, but I just needed to pour my feelings out. This is how I feel and this is what I went through. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would love to hear your advice.