I do tell people that I’ll pray for them or their loved one who may be undergoing a difficult time. To avoid misunderstanding, I try to add “for a successful surgery/outcome/recovery” or the like. Most people I know wouldn’t be insulted, but there are a small number who might, in which case I find something else to say.
I recently bought a present for a good friend and me to give jointly to a mutual friend who just had her first grandchild. The cardtalked about a baby being a blessing. She actually commented that it made her uncomfortable, since she is (no longer) religious–which I didn’t know, so I won’t make that mistake again. She was OK signing since she knew the recipient is very religious.
Many people have a complicated or even traumatic history with religion, which is another reason not to assume “I’ll pray for you” will always be appreciated just because it’s heartfelt and meaningful to the person who is saying it.
I don’t get offended if someone says that to me. I figure they’re just being kind. But it is not something I say to others. partly due to my own complicated relationship with religion, and partly due to how it may be received. I prefer to say something like “you’re in our thoughts”.
One can do all that without implying that the person on the receiving end shares your feelings on religion. If it is honestly meant to be all about them (the person needing empathy), then why bring in your religion?
Again, no offense is taken!
I generally assume/recognize it’s well-meant by someone who just never gave too much thought how universal the concept of faith might not be. But sometimes it’s said with an intensity and probing look, where I get this fleeting sensation that it’s almost a “secret handshake”, and my reaction is being observed to see if I’m “in”. Even more so in recent years, where (so-called) “Christian” faith has been hi-jacked for so many causes which I personally find highly objectional, that my guard goes up.
The last I want, is to provoke the occasional (equally well-meant) concern for my “spirituality”, or the follow-up question: “Really, but, don’t you ever worry about the afterlife?”
So I’m forced to keep my cards close to my hand - which makes me feel like I’m an imposter.
Consequently, if someone keeps me in their thoughts, extends their best wishes/vibes, or expresses their sympathy, then that can be appreciated without any reservations, as it comes without above-mentioned baggage.
Unlikely that the people expressing it know about your baggage-why would they? I don’t have any idea about the religious beliefs of any of my neighbors, coworkers, or anyone else I am likely to say it to. If they wish to share they are in the midst of hardship, that might be my response to pray for them. I likely didn’t ask them to share their tale of woe, but if they did, I might respond that way. Way too much analysis and judgment of innocuous interaction.
Don’t assume others know your issues, and o assume most people intend well. It really isn’t that hard
Why would you assume others welcome prayers? I would much rather have your kind thoughts. If you don’t know the person is religious, just keep it to thoughts. If you know they share your religion go with prayers. That’s not that hard, is it?
I would assume it because I have been comforted when other said it to me, even tho I am not religious. Like when people say “good morning”. It may not be good at all, and in most of the world, it is not morning. Nevertheless, it is the thought that counts
I’m an atheist in the South and this happens to me all the time, of course. If it’s someone who doesn’t know I’m an atheist, I just tell them thanks. If it’s someone who knows I’m an atheist, I laugh and tell them it might backfire.
Yep, just like this. Have you ever had someone ask, “How are you?” and then actually stop and wait for a real answer? It’s a pleasantry, not an interrogation. So, I have always assumed, are the prayers. It’s really interesting to me that some people in this thread actually DO intend to pray for the person!
Maybe we should consider a little more what our words mean and how they are received.
That’s why I think it’s best to ask if you’re not sure. Or to just say “You are in my thoughts” and then go ahead and pray if that’s how to choose to give support.
I say it to anyone who shares in earnest something troubling their heart. However, because it’s important to me to keep my word, I tell them “I will say a prayer for you.” This way, since I can be forgetful, I know that I will be able pray immediately for them at least one time. Then I’m off the hook! lol Seriously though, I will sometimes pray, “and to whoever I said I would pray for them…”. God knows my intentions are good!
If there’s one thing I’ve learned on CC, it’s that people can be offended by pretty much anything.
Hence, TBH, I don’t worry about it much - not when people say anything to me nor when we’re in casual conversation with what I say. One can almost always tell by tone of voice or body language when something meaner or more judgy is meant.
Otherwise, the Aesop’s fable of the man, son, and donkey comes to mind. Which one rides? Or do they all walk? Someone will get offended regardless.
I would never ask someone “is it ok if I pray for you?” - I feel that is a terribly awkward spot to put someone in! It’s like “reveal your belief in religious faith right here on the spot!”
I would say I’m faith filled but not “religious”. If I am offering good vibes to someone I know and care about I do not see a “one and done” thought/prayer/whatever to be my contribution caring for them. I would hope that it means they continue to be in my thoughts for a period of time.
I think the point is that you can offer psychological/emotional support without your religion ever entering into it. If you don’t know the other person’s belief system, you can choose a neutral option. Convey hope (because hoping is something all humans do): “I really hope your husband recovers quickly.” You can support them by agreeing that their situation is challenging: “I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through such a difficult situation.” The best is offering support that is both psychological and tangible: “What can I do to help?” Note that asking what they need is important, because it lets them set the terms - they tell you what they NEED, rather than you offering what you think they need. (It’s like the difference between someone getting you a gift off your wish list vs someone giving you something they want you to have regardless of whether you want it or not.) If you’ve already asked if you can do to help and the answer was nothing, you can offer long-term support: “Well, let me know if that changes. I would be happy to help you anytime.”
In the case of complete non-believers or believers of supernatural stuff that you don’t believe in, you’re telling them you’ll do an action that that person probably thinks is completely useless: “I’ll throw a coin in a well for you,” “I’ll cast a Wiccan health spell,” “I’ll buy you some of the special pain-relieving magnetic bracelets I saw on late-night TV,” or “I’ll wish upon a star that your husband stops cheating.” Do you mean we’ll? Yes. Do they think you’re actually helping them? No. People can simultaneously appreciate your intentions AND feel you’ve just made the situation uncomfortable or awkward by including your beliefs.
In the case of giving something tangible that they don’t want, you could even be adding stress: “What am I going to do with those bracelets? What if they ask if I’m wearing them or if they’re working? It’ll be even more awkward the next time I see them.”
Good intentions are subjective. The priests, nuns, doctors, and nurses who stole 300,000 babies in Spain’s Franco era felt they had good intentions, but that is not at all how it felt to the birth parents, their families, or the many of the babies (now adults) who have since found out what happened to them.
I will be sure never to say good morning to you. I choose not to go through life being so easily offended by trivialities, as there are actual big things to worry about. You do you.
And don’t worry, I wasn’t offended by your equating me with child kidnapping-I know you meant well, even if the analogy was disproportionate
Roycroft, I am also not easily offended, and generally don’t look for trouble where none was intended.
But when someone tells me to “have a blessed day”-- sure, that’s benign and sweet, and I can smile and say thanks even if I don’t need that particular deity blessing me on this particular day. No harm no foul.
But people don’t often have a good meter on how their sweet intentions can quickly derail and become hurtful. I’ve heard the (very common) Southern expression “Which church do you attend?” which I know is generally a benign version of “do you like vanilla or chocolate”. But when someone answers that question with “I don’t attend church, I’m Jewish” or “I attend my local mosque” the knee jerk reaction "Oh, I’ll pray for you then, you can still accept the Lord into your heart’ is NOT appropriate. I’ve gotten bizarre follow up’s to “Where is your family celebrating Christmas this year” (I know where I’ll be in late December, but I don’t celebrate Christmas), hurtful follow ups to “Do you have grandchildren?”, etc. all in the name of their Lord, who they invoke as if going to a fertility specialist couldn’t possible be as effective as lighting a candle in their own church.
Most of the time, I can smile and nod when someone explains that if I accept Jesus as my personal savior my parent will be cured of Alzheimer’s. But sometimes the correct response to a question is just a nod-- you can convert me another day.
I’d be surprised if anyone on this thread would disagree with you, including @roycroftmom , because that falls under the category where many of us said it’s not right to do. It’s not at all the same as praying for someone’s health or whatever situation they’re dealing with.
I remember when my uncle was dying of cancer recently, someone commented that the power of prayer was what cured their cancer.
That was very difficult for me as my uncle was a very religious man, we were all praying so hard for him.
But as my aunt said, I know we prayed hard but god has another plan than the one we wanted.
So I try and try to be respectful and I never would push my beliefs onto those who have different beliefs than me.
But I do tell those who I really am praying for that I will. And I’ve never felt bad doing so. But I will remember to be mindful of how I say things and that I be honest.
And I would never be snarky about it, as it seems happens. Because I would never feel that just because you have a different viewpoint than I, that means you should pray for me to believe what you do.
Of course I would agree with you, @blossom . The context this topic was introduced was offering sympathetic remarks to those going through a hard time. Most people don’t have a problem with that, regardless of their religion or lack thereof; some apparently are hypersensitive to the saying.
I think it’s all about the situation and the way the saying is expressed, not about being “hypersensitive.” Lots of people have provided examples of when “I’ll pray for you,” is said as a judgement or is hurtful.
Come to think of it . . . If you want to pray for someone, why not just do it on the down-low? Surely there are ways to express sympathy and concern without shifting the focus to how you are going to solve try to resolve their issue.
