I need help convincing my parents to let me apply out of state

Parents Forum
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<p>I note that the OP has never complained about these words that I wrote: “Your own laziness/lack of motivation caused you to not have the options that you desire.”</p>

<p>This makes me suspect that what I wrote was true. If so, pat on the back to the OP for making such a change after soph year, and pat on the back for allowing me to call things as they were.</p>

<p>My younger S has always been a very easy kid. He is nice, polite, and we never got into the kind of battles that many parents have with their teens. WHen he got to high school, however, he went from being a mainly “A” student to one who --despite scores in the 98th-99th percentile – had grades hovering below a 3.0 unweighted.</p>

<p>I saw him with his books and computer appearing to study, so I assumed he must be depressed, stressed, ADD, have an undiagnosed LD or perhaps I just wasn’t a good mom. H and I spent a lot of money on study skills, counseling, therapy, assessment, and I even read his textbooks with him. No LD or emotional issues were found. </p>

<p>It ended up that while S has mild ADD, he also was lazy and unmotivated, something he admitted after he almost didn’t graduate high school. A lot of times that I had thought he was working on homework, he had been daydreaming or surfing the Net. </p>

<p>Anyway, when he looks back on his high school behavior, the word he applies to himself is “lazy” because it is the truth. He says it without shame because he doesn’t act that way any more.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t be surprised if the OP is similar. She comes across as a nice, thoughtful young woman who is takes responsibility for her past mistakes, and now is coming up to her academic potential.</p>

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<p>OTOH, I LOVE “unmotivated”. How do you and your son see the difference?</p>

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<p>*In fact, I know someone who is my age who was not allowed to go to a school unless he could be home on weekends to help his father with work related errands (father was a physically health man with some unusual ideas regarding family). This person had not spoken with his father in years, *</p>

<p>When I went to UCI, my best friend’s parents wouldn’t let her live on campus; they made her commute - a long drive in horrid Orange County traffic. She dropped out of college after a year of forced commuting and has never forgiven her parents.</p>

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<p>“OTOH, I LOVE “unmotivated”. How do you and your son see the difference?”</p>

<p>Lazy-- I see this as more of a disposition. No matter how much a lazy person wants something, they aren’t going to sweat to get it. S would have liked to get a good report card, but he didn’t want to bother to study.</p>

<p>Unmotivated – A person who doesn’t care enough to work hard. If, however, they really want something, they’ll put the thought and energy doing the work to attain their goal. S loves his college, he loves his major, and he wants to be able to get jobs in his dream field, so he does the hard work of studying and organizing himself so he obtains the grades and skills to reach his dreams.</p>

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<p>I agree. What I don’t like about “lazy” is it seems like part of who you are as a person. Like eye color. And so pejorative! How many of us respond well to that, especially when used by someone else? I see this expression used so much by family members in Psychiatry.You are right! Hats off to the OP! “Unmotivated” seems full of possibilities, and without the need for diagnosis.</p>

<p>So did your son stop being lazy, or get motivated? I think the OP ( and MY son, by the way) got motivated.</p>

86

<p>The OP has a 3.5 GPA. I wouldn’t call that “low”. It may not be CC stellar, but it’s not low. It sounds like it was affected by 2 bad grades in her 9th and 10th grades. It sounds like she has an “upward trend” that everyone says is good.</p>

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<p>When it came to younger S, I didn’t realize he was lazy. He was the one who first applied the term to himself. I had him evaluated by a psychologist, and she asked him why he thought there was such a disparity between his sky high scores and his low grades, and he said, “I’m lazy sometimes.”</p>

<p>I thought he said that because he had low self esteem, but it ended up that he was perfectly right. At that time in his life, he was lazy about his academics. He eventually grew out of that.</p>

<p>I think that we tend to think of personality characteristics as being fixed, but that’s not the case. Laziness isn’t a life sentence. For that matter, neither are traits that are more admirable. We all have the ability to display characteristics that are more and less than one would ever imagine.</p>

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<p>

I have yet to hear how allowing her to go 250 miles away to East Carolina reduces that risk any more than allowing her to go 450 miles to Tuscaloosa. Anyway, doesn’t matter. It seems quite clear to me that this is an issue of parental control and little more. As was pointed out, 3.5 GPA is hardly slacking. Since they won’t give her money for OOS schools or even let her apply, but will give her that same money for a school 250 miles away, there is no logical explanation except they are saying “we still want to dictate your choices”. Anything they are afraid she would do at Alabama she can do at East Carolina, or anywhere else if she is living away from home.</p>

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<p>I don’t know what the difference would be for Emily’s parents. I do think that some parents do set a limit as to how far they are willing to drive. Yes, NC is a large state. Perhaps a parent does not want to drive more than 3 hours, 4 hours, or 5 hours to visit their child, or to move them in and out. Not everyone wants to look forward to a 8,9, or 10 hour drive (each way) and they do not want the hassle and expense of flying (parent and/or student flying).</p>

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<p>If that would be the best they could come up with, then all I can say is WOW. Let’s change the rest of her life because it is an extra couple of hours in the car 2-4 times a year. Besides, they have said no to all OOS choices apparently, and there are probably places in South Carolina that are closer than East Carolina, if the live in Charlotte or RDU area. There would be other similar examples for most other parts of NC.</p>

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<p>I don’t think that is a small issue for all. Some people do not want the extra milage on their car and added hotel expenses. They may anticipate visiting every 2-5 weeks. They may anticipate visiting with mom’s homemade soup every time their kid has a cold, or they anticipate frequent visits because they think their child will be homesick and have adjustment problems. Some parents do not drive long distances, so that 2 hour drive each way is HUGE. Some are holding down 2-3 jobs and they cannot time off for long week-ends, but want regular visits with their child. Some parents may have an elderly parent at home that cannot be left alone for 3 days, or they might have very young children still at home. Not all families and circumstances are the same. We don’t know Emily’s family. I don’t think what is fine for one family, is comfortable for all families.</p>

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<p>I think the parents’ decision is purely financial. In state is cheaper at this point. If she had gotten the 2/3 scholarship from Alabama, her parents probably would not be as firm. The cost of some plane rides could be earned by Emily over the summer.</p>

<p>They may anticipate visiting every 2-5 weeks.</p>

<p>Yikes!! That’s another reason to go away. Any parent that plans on visiting every 2-5 weeks needs to cut the apron strings. I don’t know many college kids that want their parents showing up for anything other than move-in day (maybe), parents weekend (maybe), and their graduation</p>

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<p>Well, Emily would need to talk to her parents to find out why they are asking her to stay instate.</p>

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<p>Come to Raleigh! Great city and great university. Strong chance I’ll end up there.</p>

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<p>As “unreasonable” as it sounds…we had the following restrictions on our kids (not really geographic or money…but sort of). We asked that they either go somewhere that was no more than a 3 hour drive away OR someplace where we had a close friend or relative within an hour. This was purely for MOM’s peace of mind in case there was any kind of emergency. We have large families so this really didn’t put a crimp on our kids at all. One went 3000 miles away in a town where we have a VERY close friend. The other went to school 2 hours and 10 minutes away. It worked for our family.</p>

<p>And just for the record, how many of you REALLY started talking about college locations, need for good grades, etc. when your kids were TWELVE years old?</p>

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<p>northeastmom - I have no doubt what you are saying is true (post 91), but doesn’t that make it way more about them than Emily? Anyway, we have beaten it to death. I have no doubt finances are involved, but as I say, they could then present it as “we will pay this much, you figure out the rest”. Otherwise seems like overly controlling parenting and selfishness to me, but that is an opinion based solely on what has been presented thus far. I concede that first hand knowledge might paint a different picture.</p>

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<p>thumper1 - LOL well OK the 12 years old thing might have been hyperbole to make a point, but I would seriously say that when they start high school is an entirely appropriate time to lay out how getting into college works in terms of grades, EC’s, test scores, and your finances as they stand at that time. Not in detail on the finances, but just “well, if you were going today we could pay this much but not this much, and we don’t believe in taking out more debt than $X, and we don’t think it would be a good idea for you to either.” Then you just bring it up when grades come in at the end of semesters as appropriate, reviewing where things stand. This is exactly what we did with our kids. In my son’s case it was more formal, we need to talk this over with your full attention kind of thing, and with my D it was more casual because she was more performance driven.</p>

<p>My larger point is that if a parent knows they are not willing to pay for college, or knows that circumstances are such that choices become far more limited based on various parameters, both the parent’s and the student’s, then they should make that clear as early as possible. It is completely unfair to have a student think they can probably apply to XYZ because they have never heard anything different from their parents and then find out in October or November of senior year that they had no intention of paying for this or that.</p>

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<p>fallenchemist…we DID discuss college plans and the like every year with the kids in high school. Usually this came when they were getting ready to select courses for the following year…or plan the full four years (which both did loosely as ninth graders…and YES it did change in the four years for both). But the reality was that I don’t think they really LISTENED until they were juniors and we planned college VISITS. We were very clear at that point what our criteria as parents was. And we didn’t visit ONE school that didn’t meet that criteria. That would have been wasting EVERYONE’s time.</p>

<p>Now…back to the topic. I’m going to guess here…Our OP didn’t have a great first two years in high school…by her own admission. My guess is that her parents are worried about a large school, and the potential for her to have a not so great start to college. She didn’t highlight Alabama due to a specific course of study or the variety of majors offered. She highlighted it because it has a Greek presence and a more “rah rah” atmosphere. Sorry…but if that was the “substance” of my kid’s arguement for a different school, I wouldn’t buy it either.</p>

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<p>For the record, since a large part of the discussion revolves around this distance topic, my 2 in college are both about 1000 miles away, and about 700 miles away from each other. I won’t deny that it is great that Southwest (where I have many free tickets) services both locations and so I can get them home without significant cost, but that would have made zero difference in the decision. In my son’s case he found a school that was the perfect fit for him and our pocketbook. Was a gift from heaven as far as we were concerned. Airfare and distance were non-factors compared to that.</p>

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<p>thumper1 - maybe you wouldn’t buy it either, but isn’t it their decision to make within the financial parameters you set? Again, how much does she really know about East Carolina and what makes it “right” for her? If picking a school is about “fit”, it doesn’t mean just academics. If she will be unhappy at a smaller regional school, I cannot see how that is in anyone’s interest. Again that is just a generalization, no idea in her particular case. But I don’t think the fit of instate schools are the parents’ factors here.</p>

<p>And chuckle at the kids not listening until they were actually looking. I know what you mean. Again, my S was pretty much like that. All we can do is try. But at least then it isn’t a surprise to them. We did what was fair. A parent can only do so much. I don’t think controlling the decision beyond that is the answer.</p>