<p>thumper1 - you are absolutely right. Obviously none of us can control the OP’s family and impose our values. We can only make assumptions about what happened in any detail, and present our opinions about what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. It is only my opinion that by 18 a child should be able to make major choices that affect the rest of their life, no matter who is paying. Money doesn’t dictate right and wrong in terms of controlling behavior within families. I can only shudder at the thought of how far that would go if taken to the extreme.</p>
<p>Emily- for what it’s worth, my now 26 yr old brother couldn’t get into NC State (despite having taken a few classes there his senior year) and ended up at UNC-Charlotte, loved it, graduated with a $55,000 year job two years ago. Most of his HS friends who were better students (he went to charter HS in NC that is ranked in tops in the country) and were applying all over the place, didn’t even end up graduating from college. Don’t worry about what your friends are doing. A lot of what you are seeing is kids trying to ‘one up’ each other. I see this with my son and his friends right now. Some of them are applying to schools they have no intention of going to - just to see if they can get in.</p>
<p>My son is also feeling like you are right now. But I keep telling him that the majority of his friends (regardless of where they get in) will end up at the state flagship or one of the lesser ranked private colleges in the state. It’s economics and proximity. Even at my son’s private HS, where most of the parents have more than enough money to send their kids to any OOS and private college they want, 60-70% stay in state. You will always have the option to transfer to another school after you get a year of college under your belt. Good luck.</p>
<p>Most students in the U.S. attend college within 250 miles of home. I’d bet that most students in your high school will go to college in state, particularly since NC has a wide range of public and private colleges including some of the country’s best.</p>
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<p>Exactly. There are many reasons that parents encourage their children to stay instate that have nothing to do with money. Also, to say that they should have discussed staying instate at age 12, or all along is true, but circumstances do change.</p>
<p>Financial circumstances can change, but that doesn’t mean they should have to stay instate. Granted that may end up being the only viable option, but that doesn’t sound like the case here. Telling your 18 year old child where they have to go to school if they want your $X, otherwise it is $0, well… I guess some apron strings are made out of dollar bills.</p>
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<p>I said that circumstances can change that have NOTHING to do with money in post #64. I can think of many reasons that a parent would want their child instate under certain circumstances that are NOT related to finances. Those circumstances may not have been there 3 years ago or 6 months ago.</p>
<p>I understood what you said. I can think of tons of non-financial circumstances that can change, but none that would make a parent dictate that the child couldn’t go a state or two over. Besides, NC is a big state, she could still be 4-5 hours away, right? What did you have in mind that would be a non-financial circumstance that would fix a child to an instate location?</p>
<p>Circumstances that might make a parent want to have their child instate that weren’t there 3-6 years ago…how about a chronic health issue?</p>
<p>I don’t want to really write about every unpleasant circumstance that I can think of on Emily’s thread. This is about Emily and not gloom and doom, or every unpleasant thing that can arise within families. Thumper gave one example and that is good enough for me. Additionally, each individual is different, and each family is unique. If parents do not want their child OOS they can express that wish to their child. You might find the reasoning irrational and someone else would not. We are not Emily’s parents. She already has parents who I am sure feel that they know what is best for Emily, and/or her family at this time.</p>
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<p>The other thing that modern parents are doing differently from their own parents works against the above. Parents in my generation were pretty hands off and uninvolved. Modern parents are pretty hands on and involved. This works against the “do your own thing” thing.</p>
<p>According to OP, money seems to be one issue. Also the subtext–I have had motivational problems in the past and my parents could be dubious of sending me to a party school–could be a BIG issue. </p>
<p>As a parent, you want to have your kid in a situation that would more likely lead to success. </p>
<p>I would do some rational research on whatever program at Alabama would make it a good place for you to attend and show it to my parents. A survey of the top party schools in the nation doesn’t count. :)</p>
<p>thumper1- that would be a good argument for a local school, but not just instate. That argument would be good statewide here in RI, though!</p>
<p>northeastmom - I already acknowledged we are giving opinions in general and cannot be Emily’s parents. However, to the degree it helps Emily marshall (sp?) her arguments, so much the better. I hope they are acting because they think they know what is best. That doesn’t always mean it is. I can easily see a scenario where this plays out as Emily “fears” (sorry, can’t think of a better word) and she is forced to go to an instate school without even being allowed to explore other options. This could easily lead to lasting resentment over the amount of control her parents exercised over a decision that is a once-in-a-lifetime chance. She’ll survive, of course, but I see no reason for it to be this way other that parents that either can’t cut the apron strings, won’t listen to reason, have to have control, or some combination of all those. Othwise they would agree that they would provide whatever amount the state school would cost and the rest is up to her, not cut her off if she goes somewhere else, and not even let her pay her own money to apply elsewhere. JMO of course.</p>
<p>ellemenope - Good point about modern parents doing things differently, and no question they are hands-on. But if her parents think these other schools don’t party about as much as Alabama, they are kidding themselves. Forget the party rankings (which are based on votes by students anyway), that is just what happens at any relatively confined place containing healthy 18-22 year olds.</p>
<p>"
According to OP, money seems to be one issue. Also the subtext–I have had motivational problems in the past and my parents could be dubious of sending me to a party school–could be a BIG issue. “”</p>
<p>That’s exactly what I’m suspecting that her parents’ concern is. We don’t know why Emily had motivational problems freshman and soph years, but if her social life was the problem, then I can imagine her parents wanting her to stay in state so they more easily could be aware of how she’s doing. Her reasons for going out of state – wanting a big school with Greek life – may also be reasons causing her parents to want her to stay closer to home. </p>
<p>After all, Emily herself said: “I think I just really wanted to go there because It’s huge, and is greek oriented, which are superficial and not really valid reasons. NC does have really good schools.”</p>
<p>Given where she lives, Emily has some marvelous in-state options, and I don’t think her parents are being tyrannical to say she must stay in-state for college.</p>
<p>I fail to see how it will be any different if she is 200 miles away than if she is 400. Being instate doesn’t really affect any of these issues, only living at home would. How are they more aware if she is in Wilmington or East Carolina and the parents live in Charlotte?</p>
<p>And you know what? Say her parents are right. Well then, let her fail. We are too afraid of protecting our kids from making mistakes. Again, it is hard for me to see how going to a UNC campus 100 or 200 miles away changes anything they might be afraid of. And if they only pay the same amount they would have anyway, then how are they worse off?</p>
<p>'Your own laziness/lack of motivation caused you to not have the options that you desire."</p>
<p>That might be harsh. I haven’t read many of the responses, but I’m not seeing the usual comments about considering ADHD or depression. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.</p>
<p>I don’t know if milage is an issue. Fallenchemist, you have some very good points as well (resentment regarding denial of a once in a lifetime opportunity, etc.). In fact, I know someone who is my age who was not allowed to go to a school unless he could be home on weekends to help his father with work related errands (father was a physically health man with some unusual ideas regarding family). This person had not spoken with his father in years, but the problems did not begin at 18 either. In fact this person lived with relatives during much of hs.</p>
<p>northeastmom - yeah that’s a shame about your friend. I agree there is no way these issues start with the decision of going to college, but it could easily be the event that brings it to a boil for the first time.</p>
<p>shrinkrap - I said it in post #40.</p>
<p>"And you know what? Say her parents are right. Well then, let her fail. We are too afraid of protecting our kids from making mistakes. "</p>
<p>Her parents may want to reduce the risk of their investing their money in a venture that will fail. </p>
<p>“Fallenchemist, you have some very good points as well (resentment regarding denial of a once in a lifetime opportunity, etc.”</p>
<p>While it’s true that the D may feel resentful, right now, the OP herself admits that her reasons for wanting to go to U Alabama are superficial. She doesn’t seem particularly resentful.</p>
<p>The students whom I’ve seen here and elsewhere who feel long-term resentment are ones whose parents allow them to apply to colleges then after the student gets accepted to dream school, the parents announce that the student can’t go to that school. </p>
<p>Unless the parents’ decisions are based on something new (such as a parent’s losing a job or having major unexpected expenses or the the students’ having major legal problems or grade problems), it seems thoughtless and cruel to allow a child to apply to a school that the parent knows they wouldn’t allow the student to attend.</p>
<p>That, however, isn’t the case here. There also are in-state options that the student could apply to that could give her what she is interested in for her college experience.</p>
<p>If what the parents are concerned about is whether the student would be able to go to Alabama and get good grades, perhaps the OP could negotiate with her parents an agreement that she could transfer to Alabama after spending a year or two in state with at least a gpa of XXXX or that if she maintains an average of XXX throughout her senior year, she could go straight to Alabama. If the OP successfully negotiates the temptations of senior year in high school, that may be the evidence her parents would need to feel like investing in her going out of state to college.</p>
<p>I know someone who – due to their smart S’s low h.s. gpa – mandated that the S go to a local community college instead of the S’s dream school, which was a relatively low cost public 1,000 miles away near where the S’s grandfather lived.</p>
<p>I thought the parents were being mean to do this. Their S, however, excelled locally in community college and then transferred to the in-state flagship. Now he’s going to law school in state.</p>
<p>That S was my older S’s best friend. My older S’s h.s. gpa was similar to his best friends, but H and I allowed S to go 1,000 miles away to a school older S loved because it had huge classes and good sports. My S had a great time with partying, and flunked out. At 25, he has never returned to college.</p>
<p>If I were to do it over, I would have told him that he couldn’t go out of state to college until he had proven – by his grades – that he had the maturity to be on his own far from home. He probably would have been very angry, but he may have risen to the challenge, and now he might be supporting himself with a professional job with a good salary and health insurance instead of supporting himself with a job with bad pay and no health insurance or other benefits.</p>
<p>"shrinkrap - I said it in post #40. "</p>
<p>Yes, I saw that… too late to edit. I didn’t really think it an issue, I just don’t like using the word “lazy”.</p>
<p>NSM, As far as your older son and his best friend, one never knows how things will turn out. Nobody has a crystal ball. The young man at CC could have gotten involved with drugs and flunked out. He didn’t. You can play “what if” games all day long. A parent can insist on a CC only to have that child die in an auto accident while commuting back and forth. One can also have a child die from alcohol poisoning because they were hazing in a frat. What if, what if, what if… There is only so much a parent can do to raise a child and send them to what one thinks is best at the time.</p>