I really want to take time off from college. (20 year old junior), long read. sorry

Parents Forum
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In High School I was on my way to run at D1 universities but my parents wouldn’t tell me about the offers I’ve received in the mail and would throw them out.

I posted here in the Parents Forum because I wanted to get another parent’s point of view. I currently commute to a local university about 20 minutes from me. Originally, I was at a different school for my Freshman and Sophomore years, but after my parents threatened to take me back home if I was competing at a collegiate level of track and field. (they did not want me to do sports – more so of a religious reason). I continued to run behind their back and look where we are now. I’m back home and miserable. I was doing so much better at my other university; doing a major I enjoy too. Straight A’s and everything.

I’ve lost all motivation to do any school work since being home. At first I thought it was the new school I was at, or maybe it was because I’m living at home. I don’t know if it’s because of COVID, etc. The school I’m at right does not offer my desired major. My parents are willing to pay for all of my education too, even grad school. But I don’t think I can toughen out 7-8 more years at the expense of my happiness. There is too much mental strain and I can’t concentrate.

I’ve never worked a job before. My parents don’t want me to so I can focus on my studies; and they say it doesn’t make any sense since me working won’t benefit anyone. (relatively high income family). It’s not like I want to drop out of college forever or drop out to smoke weed, drink, party, and play video games. I want to work, and go back to college on my own terms when I’m in the right headspace for it. I originally wanted to go into PT school, but I don’t think I can do it if they want me to stay local for that also.

If I were to take a break, I’d most likely get a job as an EMS / EMT, PT Tech, Nurse Tech - or something medical related. Given that I take a break for 2-3 years that should bring me to about $60-70k. I’d full on put that into savings and go back to a cheap community college when I’m ready to get better grades on my pre-requisites, or even get into a nursing program. - but right now, I have no idea what I want to do.

They own everything I have, I’m tied to their bank account, I’m on their phone plan. They don’t want me to branch out. I know, I should be grateful. They do way too much for me, but sometimes their love feels like shackles; and I can’t grow as an individual. I have been having these thoughts since Feb of this year.

I’ve talked to them about it and they want me to finish up my degree. Taking a break to work makes no sense to them. I don’t even know if it makes sense to me. I’m already spending 5 years in undergrad because I transferred, and it might be even more if I fail the current classes I’m in. I’m barely passing chemistry, biology, and calculus. Just mere points off from failing. After all, I am a first generation American, so there is a lot of pressure to finish up a degree. They say I won’t be successful without it. But as I stated earlier, I do have plans of going back to school after my mind is figured out.

For more context to understanding my parents, some years ago, my sister was not allowed to live in the house if she wasn’t going to church with our family. She had work on the same day, and that caused a lot of conflict between them. She ended up moving out to a different state and is doing well on her own.I’ve only been getting by, by being obedient. I swear I’m not a rebellious son.

Anyways, sorry about that. I came here looking for different view points. I know not everyone’s response will be the same, but I need other people to talk to other than my parents about this right now. Thank you.

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I suggest that you get in contact with Student Health services at your school and connect with a counselor. There could be some depression here, and COVID and being at home is hard, and, you have some issues with your parents that a counselor could help you work though. Your parents will not know if you do this. If you signed a FERPA waiver, they COULD find out if they called and asked, but if you don’t tell them, the school/counseling services will not contact them outright when you make and have appointments.

Can your parents see how unhappy you are? I would hope that they would care about your mental health and not just that you get a degree on their terms. Is there something to work out with them, a compromise that perhaps does not include collegiate sports but does include you attending a school where you can study what you want? But I don’t think you can discount covid and learning at home as a major factor. What about starting with just taking a semester off? What would your parents think of that? Of course, what would you do…there aren’t a whole lot of volunteer opportunities out there. Your parents have power over you and they obviously use it. Can you talk to your sister?

One small suggestion I have is to open a bank account, if you have ANY money. Just to have something of your own, and somewhere to store gift money or if you do manage to get a job.

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Thank you for your response. I wouldn’t go to say that I’m depressed. I’m really not sure. I guess I haven’t been happy for a while but I still go outside and go on runs almost everyday. It’s like my coping mechanism! Thanks for the recommendation as-well, I’ll get in touch with the health services at my school.

I’ve talked to them about this before and they said it’s nothing worth stressing over. So in other words I just have to get a degree on their terms. Compromises don’t work with them, not even working a job on campus. I don’t know how I’d be able to juggle that out since I’m not doing too hot in my classes right now anyways. I’ve talked about taking a semester off too but again they won’t allow me to unless I force it myself. It wouldn’t end well because of disagreements.

I’m planning on talking to my sister soon! She’s really busy but I’m sure I will some time next week. The dilemma with the bank account situation is that my parents set up a bank account for me, but it’s connected to them. Thanks again

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If you are over 18, your parents can’t stop you from opening a new bank account. Frankly you need that to start establishing your own credit to be independent later. They don’t need to know.

I’m glad that you are still running! It is a great coping mechanism but I agree that talking with a school counselor could be helpful.

My initial impression from your post is that you are so worried about not rocking the boat at home that you aren’t advocating for your own needs.

Personally I would start negotiating…something like you’ll stay in school if you can also get a very part time job. Be ready to state facts around working. (Resume booster, skill acquisition, increased responsibility, etc…)

It’s not being rebellious to share your feelings and needs.

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Many schools have credit unions or banks associated with the school and it is very easy for students to open an account with $25. You don’t have to close your other account, just open a new one.

How about a semester abroad? Hard to plan for right now but things should be opening up again by the summer. Or a 2 month trip to visit relatives in their birth country to meet relatives and study the culture? Sounds like you just need a break from living at home but want to give them a reason to say yes and continue to pay for school when you are ready to go back.

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What do you mean when you write that your bank account is linked to theirs? Is it that one or more of your parents is also a joint owner of your account? Or, is it that the accounts are at the same institution and they are linked so that your parents can easily transfer money into your account? Those are two different situations.

If it is the first one, and your parents can easily see any transactions you make, then yes you probably want your own account that is solely in your name. If you don’t want that account at the same bank as your current account, look for a credit union that is affiliated with your university. Credit Unions almost always have more favorable terms than banks do. If you feel you need to have a second name on that account, ask your sister to be the second person.

You need a job or a paid internship. Why your parents think that there is a chance that you will be able to get a job after college without ever having one during college is beyond me. That simply isn’t how employment works in the US. Employers expect recent graduates to have some kind of work history. If you still are interested in pursuing a DPT, work experience as a PT assistant will make you a much more believable applicant.

Can you move in with your sister? If she is stable, that might be your best option.

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Some things you need to consider:

  1. What you can control
  2. What they can control

Right now you think they control you.
You think they control your bank and your college.
They don’t.

Let’s say they don’t want you to run track and they want you to become an engineer (for example). They want to control where you live and what you do. They threaten that they won’t pay for college unless you do what they say.

Their goal, I assume, is to have you get a good job while wanting you to stay in your culture/religion.

But you as an adult, can open a new bank account and withdraw your money and deposit it.

You can change your major. You can run track. They can say, I won’t pay for college. You can say “okay, I guess I won’t go to college.” What will they do?
What if you said “if you want me to go to college I need…”?

Also what if you said “Going to school at College X is a job…i do that and i get paid by having my tuition paid. Once I graduate, then I can get a job and decide if Ineed to get a grad degree but I can move out.”

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Honestly, sometimes in life you have to look at the full picture and ask yourself what choices have the least pain overall.

Popular opinion is “free yourself! You’re not controlled by your parents, you can move out and earn your own money and make your own decisions!”

So let’s say you do that. You quit school and get a job. If you move out your job will have to cover your expenses (rent, cell phone/internet, food, car, insurance gas, etc). Life is expensive and your money will disappear fast. It would take years to pay those expenses and save enough to pay for you to go back to school. You’d probably end up having to take out loans. I am assuming you are about 22 already so that means you wouldn’t be able to go to the school of your choice and finish up until you are about 27.

Or you could choose to stay and accept your parents’ requirements. You’d graduate with some type of degree and be debt free. Then you could move out, get a job, and take it from there. But at least you’d have a degree. I know my viewpoint might not be popular but sometimes you have to weigh all sides. Paying for college on your own will be very difficult if you’re not yet 24 because your parents’ financial situation will be considered for your FAFSA even if they are not contributing a thing.

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I just turned 20 this year. Due to graduate in '23 is all goes well with my classes. I’ll be 23. I regret my decision to transfer to the current school I’m at. I want to go to a community college, so community college is most likely the school of my choice - can get an associates in nursing and work my way up.

Thank you for giving me a realistic point of view. Looks like I need to consider that as well. Sometimes I am just so scared of being a failure. Failing classes, and possibly not getting through PT school. I know very little about life at most, but I know that the real world is hard. It’s so hard to get in the right mindset for school when I am around my parents

But you’re right. Thank you for your kind response again.

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Joint owner, they can monitor what I spend. My income comes from them as well. The thing is, I live in the US. They’re not from here so maybe some viewpoints are different as to why they think I can land a career without having a job.

My sister lives across the country but it is something I have been thinking for some time. She’s doing well on her own. I’m just afraid I’ll regret taking time off from school to struggle with living and paying. For example, if I finish this undergrad degree, I’ll be around 23. I’ll have a degree to my name. It’ll be easier to get jobs. But if I take a break I probably won’t finish until I’m around 25 or 26. I don’t know. I don’t want to be wasting my time.

I wish I knew what I was doing

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You’re very spot on with your assumption.

That’s why my sister left. It was the only way for her. Thing is, she had a degree but was working at a retail store as a cashier after she graduated and left with that money she had saved from there. It’s been 3 years. She’s living in another state and is doing well on her own.

It blows my mind when people tell me I’m an adult, to be honest. If I did all of that

Negotiating with my parents is unrealistic. It’s easily a “no” or “I’m not going to have this conversation / argue with you - end of story” … pretty much. I’ll be looked down on by the rest of my family for being disrespectful. That’s how they viewed my sister.

This I can do. They’re not expecting me to go to grad school but they talk about it so much and how I should be the boss of my own company or else I’ll have a hard life. Something along those lines.

^^ in relation to that. I know 4 years is pretty short considering your entire life. But, I’m just so unmotivated right now with school. I don’t want to keep failing class after class. I feel as if I can do something more productive with my life (at least until COVID is over). I can tough it out, sure. Just wont be happy, unless some miracle happens.

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Talk withe the counseling center and the career center at your university. Get help with your depression, and get ideas about jobs and internships you qualify for now. That will help your decision-making process. Consider a leave of absence for the spring semester. The pandemic has made studying even more challenging than normal. It is OK to take some time off while you think about what you really do want to do with your life. And since you wrote above that your current university doesn’t offer the major you want, you need to figure out whether it is a good place to keep studying. You may need to transfer anyway.

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One thing that hasn’t been addressed yet is whether or not your major is a fit for you. It sounds like you were on a PT track at your initial school and are now in nursing at your current school, but that you might switch to an associates degree for nursing if you enroll at a CC. However, you are having difficulty with required classes for that path.

I hate to get too far off base, but if this is a case where your parents chose your major for you (very common in some cultures, and even in some culturally American households,) it may be that you don’t have a great interest/aptitude for that career path. Your grades might simply be a reflection that this is a bad fit for you.

Do you have any strong desire for a specific major and/or career? Many students your age do not, or are just getting to a decision, so it is okay if you are uncertain. Especially if you’ve been in college so far force into a major you had not input in choosing.

Ask yourself, if you were not in PT/Nursing, what would be your next choice?

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Yes! That’s exactly how it was! I was on the right PT track at my previous university and now since I’ve been at the current school I’m at. I’ve been thrown off balance.

Hate to admit that I’m having difficulty with the required classes for each path. It’s true. Yes, my parents want me to pursue a degree in biology because I will have more opportunities to place a job. Personally, I don’t think the major is a good fit for me. I’m not enjoying what I’m learning but I’m told to just toughen it out because it’s just a degree. My parents are afraid if I switch I will keep switching and never graduate.

When I bring up switching my major they say that the degree doesn’t matter. (very confusing, I know).

I have a strong desire with anything related to fitness and health. I was an exercise science major at my previous university. Loved learning about kinesiology and physiology. I have heavily considered education in the past to be something along the lines of a health teacher.

Thanks for your eye opening response.

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Biology graduates at the bachelor’s degree level do not have particularly good or well paid job prospects. Seems like a bad idea to major in something that has neither your strong interest nor is that great in job prospects.

However, biology departments at some colleges do include a subarea of exercise biology, so you may be able to tailor your upper level course work to your interests if that is the case at your college.

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What would happen if you just did run track? Would they literally stop paying for college if you were otherwise doing ok?

Have you talked to them and told them that you think that the pressure on your sister caused her to not end up in a career? That you understand their goals but they are undermining themselves?

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You mentioned that you are barely passing and have failed some courses. Your prospects for a career or grad school on your current path are going to be pretty poor if you get a bachelors in biology with a low GPA. Grad schools will be expecting a GPA of at least 3.5 and many employers will have a similar cutoff. It is good thing that you are thinking of alternate options right now.

Perhaps look at some of the programs you are interested in that are at a community college. Look at the potential salaries and present it to your parents that way. Alternatively, since the tuition at community college should be much lower that at a college or university, you could move out and put yourself through community college. It sounds like you would be happier if you do.

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How will your parents know if you change your major? And, do they have your student portal password to check your grades, and/or would they go over your classes with a fine tooth comb and ask you why you are taking x and y when those don’t seem to be a Bio major?

I realize they have the financial power to pay the tuition. But you are the one who registers and takes the classes. What would happen if, say, you switch back to the classes you like, and they find out about it at the end of semester when you show them your grades (which hopefully would be higher)?

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Switching from Exercise Science to Biology for employment purpose is… crazy. Biology is one of the least employable majors even for students with high GPAs. It has a very low ROI, in part because there are very few jobs available to a student with just a BS or BA in Bio, and in part because there are all the failed premeds crowding the market.

(And with a GPA below 3.5 in Biology, your odds aren’t especially good; if you have a 3.0+ you can get random jobs that college graduates can apply to, same as English majors for instance).

Does your new college offer Health&Coaching, Sports Education, Physiology, this type of major (in College of Education, College of Health science, rather than in Arts&Science…)?

It sounds like you’re burnt out though.

Could you say that with covid it’s not worth paying Spring semester’s tuition&fees?

DO open your own personal account to deposit money on, your university should have a credit union. Keep the info safe and hidden. You may need that money at some point.

Has your sister been “cut off”?
Can you call her, and talk to her?
Would she welcome you for the Spring semester, so you can take a break from studying and work? You could pay her rent if need be if she’d accept you as a roommate.

It may be soothing to read Frankly in Love. A boy with a lot of parental pressure and expectations, a sister who’s been “shunned”.

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I am concerned about your current grades, especially since you did well before: the drop in grades affirms what you say about lost motivation and may also signal depression.

I wonder if you could see a counselor, and also talk to an advisor or dean or whoever is appropriate, about withdrawing from a class, classes, or even from school. I think it is always important to protect your transcript.

Some schools, with documentation from an MD or therapist, will wipe the slate clean with a medical withdrawal, and others will put W’s on the transcript. Those could be easily explained in the future, citing COVID.

Your current situation is not tenable. Living with your parents, during COVID, with courses you neither like nor do well in, and with various controls on your behavior and money.

Your parents do not have to consent to your withdrawal. Just do it and try to get that transcript cleaned up.

Then meet with a counselor and regroup. Is there any way you can go back to the university and program where you were happy?

Is there a third party adult who can help you negotiate with your parents?

Your parents need some guidance as well, about how things work with careers and also how to best help you grown into a self-sufficient adult.

Your current semester may be explainable in the future but it will make any of the plans you are making hard to access. I really hope you can focus on cleaning that slate somehow and then figuring things out.

If you do not accept that you are depressed, and do not want to seek help for that, then you will have the option of continuing unless you go on probation and continue to fail. Community college will be possible but nursing and PT programs are very competitive.

When you are 24 you can go to college with financial aid based on your own financial situation. I do know young people who have left, worked and then returned to school after reaching 24, but at that point, often their focus is paying for food and rent and they often drop out.

Sorry to be harsh. I feel extreme sympathy for you. I really hope you can talk to someone who understands and your school counseling or health center is the best place to go Do you have insurance for outside therapy?

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