I think I grow overly attached to my teachers... Help?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello there, </p>

<p>This is very strange for me to talk about, but I think I might have some kind of social problem as it relates to school, and I'd really appreciate some advice on this. </p>

<p>It seems that for years I've always become very close and attached to my teachers. I grew up in a small town, so with that context, it actually seemed normal. (there were always kids who had teachers' phone numbers and who saw them around town; there were always people sitting in and chatting with teachers before and after school) </p>

<p>I've confided in my teachers, and there are actually some that I confide in more than my mother. (and still do even now that I'm graduated) I text/email some of them and keep in touch with them, and one has even been wanting to have me over for dinner sometime. They were (and are) very important people in my life, and I know that they helped shape the person that I am today. </p>

<p>I assumed that this type of closeness and attachment would end in college, but I'm finding that it hasn't. I've heard stories of how professors don't get as involved in your life as your teachers in high school and how you don't have as much interaction with them, but I had one last year who really cared about my well being and mentored me through some academic and personal issues, and I have one now that I feel seems to like me well enough too. They're both from the small department of my major, so I know I'll have them again in the future, and that just makes me feel so secure. The one really relates to me and helped me through some nervous, anxious issues, and the one I have now just seems to enjoy me as a student and really values what I have to say. They make me feel like I belong, and I in turn love my major and my school more because of them. </p>

<p>However, sometimes I feel that I'm obsessive in that I'll think "oh, I should tell prof x about this article next class" or "I need to do well on this paper so prof x will be pleased and proud of me." Going to class is one of the highlights of my week because my prof makes it really fun and personable. I work a lot and can have trouble keeping up with my assignments, but I always buckle down and get it done, partly so I can get a good grade but partly so that I "don't let prof x down." </p>

<p>I know that it's good to get along with your professors and to want to perform well for them, but how can it be too much? This is really weird because all of the teachers that I'm close to are female like me and tend to be... Maternal towards me. I don't (think I) have any problems with my own mother, but she's not the most feminine, and all of these teachers tend to be quite feminine and soft spoken, unlike my mom. </p>

<p>I'm sure this looks ridiculous, but should I be worried about this? I'll admit that it scares me sometimes because I feel like I interact and respect my teachers too much, but if it gets me to show up to class and do my best, isn't that okay? </p>

<p>Is this just what it feels like to have mentors? I feel so confused and out of the know on this kind of stuff. </p>

<p>Thanks, and I'm sorry this is weird.</p>

2

<p>If you’re worried that your own behavior might be odd or unusual, it probably is.</p>

<p>Do you have other social relationships with classmates/peers/roommates, or is all of your time spend studying and “seeking approval” from your favorite profs?</p>

<p>It is nice to have mentors, but you may appear overly needy/insecure–or seem to be using your teachers/profs as “mother figures.” Or maybe you have a “crush” on them?
This might creep them out or make them wonder if you have a personality disorder.</p>

<p>Perhaps you should step back a bit and put some limits on your contact with these profs (academic issues only/ X number of times a week, whatever seems more reasonable). Keep a “professional distance.” And discuss other issues with your friends, your parents, sibs, etc.</p>

3

<p>opori2 - I would focus on the feedback you are getting from the teachers themselves. If none of them have taken a step back or indicated to you that you are crossing boundaries, then I would say you are fine. I think it is wonderful that you have these relationships and perhaps the teachers are flattered that they have made such an impression on you.</p>

4

<p>I agree with atomom. If you’re questioning your obsessive behavior towards your relationship with teachers, then I there very well may be a problem.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Stop obsessing about relationships with teachers–especially as you have noticed a weird pattern of emotional attachment to them.</p></li>
<li><p>Teachers are not your friends. Teachers are not your parents.</p></li>
<li><p>Draw a line between professional and personal relationships.</p></li>
<li><p>Hang out and talk with peers, not teachers.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Step back. View your teachers for what they are—teachers/mentors and not relatives/friends. </p>

<p>Start socializing with your peers.</p>

5

<p>Co-dependency problem!</p>

6

<p>You are afraid of having too much respect for them…?
Well I’ve got nothing.</p>

7

<p>Are you trying to contact your teachers outside of class to talk about personal issues? If so, that could be going too far, but from the way you have described things it seems that you are focusing on your assignments, and thinking of your teachers in the context of the subjects they teach. My daughter formed several strong friendships with college profs or deans, and has sustained those over the years that she graduated. These are not the type of friendships where she would invite a former prof to a social occasion – but she keeps in touch to let them know how she is doing. Of course these are the same profs that she is going back to when she needs recommendation letters – she just went through a cycle of grad school apps and probably applied to 6 or 10 schools, so those friendships paid off. I know that my son was very good friends with a prof at the LAC he attended – it was a new, young prof (I think his first year teaching) and a very small class. My son left the school at the end of that year and did not keep in touch. </p>

<p>I think there may be differences in expectations when you are at a small college or a small department in a larger university. I actually chose my major because of the small, friendly, collegial environment of my department – if I had simply pursued my interests, I would have remained in the different, larger department – but I found it cold and impersonal. I liked being able to walk the hallways and know all the profs, and to be on a first name basis with most of them. </p>

<p>I think it would be a problem if your relationships with your professors was standing in the way of your social life, or if you expected more of them than interest in your academic success. I think it’s great if you can feel extra motivated from a desire to please your professor, or if you take enough of an interest in the subject that you will want to share an article that you see. The reason the profs seem to like you may be because of that attitude – I think it must be frustrating when profs have to deal with students who show up to class unprepared, or don’t show up at all, or don’t bother to ask questions in class. </p>

<p>But do try to expand your own social horizons. It’s wonderful that your are enjoying your classes, but I hope there are also times that you are looking forward with happy anticipation to social events with your friends.</p>

8

<p>Some young people relate better to adults than to their peers, for whatever reason: they are more intellectually and emotionally mature than their peers, or something is lacking in the parental relationship – there could be a variety of reasons. But as long as these relationships are in the spirit of friendship/mentorship don’t worry about being “weird”. It will all even out once you are an established adult and the age/status differences won’t be as great between you and your mentors, past and present.</p>

9

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<p>my advisor’s parties (at his house as well as in-class) were legendary in the amount of alcohol consumed (in-class, I have the pics to prove it, good thing Louisiana had drinking age 18 at the time and we were all upperclassmen/grad students). Typically end of semester presentations were accompanied by an open bar, and he had his large research assistant team (I was one of eight or so) and supervising MS/PhD students once or twice a year at his house.</p>