I'm obsessed with professors and authority figures - what to do?

Parents Forum
1

<p>This is really, really embarrassing, but I don't know what else to do. This has been a flaw of mine that I've been trying to nip and overcome, but there's no denying the fact that I become overly attached and obsessed with people in roles of authority over me, especially professors/teachers. I'd appreciate some guidance on this matter.</p>

<p>This all started at an early age. In elementary school, I would cry at the end of the year because I'd miss my teachers. I continued to grow really close to teachers and to even idolize them, even all throughout high school. Sometimes they'd dominate my thoughts and I'd want to do everything I could to do well in their classes, to open up to them, and share my life experiences and sometimes even my problems. I thought things would be better in college since you have less contact with professors and since I'm studying out-of-state and had a fresh start and all, but it really hasn't. I'm currently a junior and am still as unnaturally clingy as always.</p>

<p>I've done some weird things that I can't even describe. I view my professors as these wonderful people (which I know they are) and want nothing more than to please them. This motivates me to do my very best and to always be prepared and at the top of my game, and when I get praised or recognized for my efforts, I feel like I'm on cloud nine. (And likewise, if someone else gets praised or gets the attention, I get jealous and strive to be even better to earn their attention back). Also, I've been "obsessed" with all women professors (I am also female), and I find myself viewing them as motherly and kind of craving for some kind of affection or warmth from them. Some of them do indeed have general maternal vibes, so this makes it even worse since they're just naturally warm and friendly.</p>

<p>And the kicker is that, to my professors and peers, I'm the pivot of success and normalcy. I've got great grades, am super involved in my department, am known and liked amongst the faculty, am the president of one of the department clubs, have received numerous departmental rewards -- I'm everything I'm not and I feel like I'm living a lie. No one would ever fathom that I have this weird connection problem, and if they ever found out, I'm positive they'd be freaked out and would never want to see me again.</p>

<p>I don't know exactly what this is, but it feels wrong somehow. In general, I really DON'T feel like I'm crazy or anything, and everyone seems to like me and enjoy my company. I just have this odd problem.</p>

<p>I don't feel that I've ever been psychologically off-balance, but I have suffered a few family losses. I lost my father when I was in 4th grade (he had cancer from when I was five) and lost both of my maternal grandparents a few years after that. My paternal family lives OOS, so I hardly ever see them. My mom and I are close, so I don't know why I'm viewing all these women like mothers. I don't see her often since I attend school OOS, but we still talk and see each other over break. </p>

<p>Basically, this is starting to scare me since it hasn't gone away. Sometimes pleasing and seeing my professors is the only thing I look forward to, and I know it's not natural to put them on such a high pedestal. I'm seriously not the kind of person who you'd think would have this kind of problem, and it's so embarrassing and tiring that I have to live with this shadow over my shoulder. It's like I'm leading a double-life.</p>

<p>Do any of you have any insight on this matter? Have you had any experience, or do you have any knowledge? I don't know if what I need is to directly identify the problem, talk it out, or try to change it, but I know that I need to do something.</p>

<p>Thanks in advance.</p>

2

<p>March yourself into the student mental health center, and get yourself an appointment with a counselor. That this issue is bothering you so much is something that you need to deal with.</p>

3

<p>I first wondered if you were practicing how to answer the “what is your greatest weakness” interview question. I agree that you should get some counseling–my amateur analysis says that you need to discover how to do things for your own satisfaction and not the approval of others.</p>

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<p><a href=“Counseling | Student Wellness Services”>Counseling | Student Wellness Services;

<p>Some of what you say sounds to me like imposter syndrome.</p>

5

<p>If you get help, I’d get it privately, on your own, not in the student center of your current university. </p>

<p>Nothing is really private, but you can do all you can to discuss your issues in a different setting. Preferably, privately, with an adult you trust who is actually wise. </p>

6

<p>Agree whole heartedly with the above post. If you decide on counseling, go private. Things sometimes have a way of getting blown out of proportion in today’s climate of mental health related violence.</p>

<p>Sounds to me like you crave the approval of those who are in a position to evaluate you. I mean do you have outside friends and activities or are you spending all your time thinking of your teachers? Do your thoughts ever take you to an uncomfortable place? Do you have romantic feeling towards your teachers? These are the types of questions I would ask myself in evaluating the need for counseling.</p>

7

<p>I don’t think you are crazy but I think you have definite issues to explore/work on; some focused therapy could clear up some things for you. My amateur takes:</p>

<p>1) unwanted/intrusive thoughts - cognitive therapy deals with how to deal with these
2) don’t have a name on it but something going on with the excessive attachment</p>

<p>I also see that you are getting some highs and lows from this activity which sounds a little like bipolar people react to some extent. Not to say you are at all. But you are rewarding yourself somehow, like chemically your brain is giving you a high, and reinforcing the behavior. </p>

<p>3) The jealousy thing is another inappropriate response to success of others detracting from your own self satisfaction and I think that cognitive therapy works with that too</p>

<p>All in all it sounds like all this is stuff you have identified pretty well. Self awareness is key to having some benefit to therapy and I think it would really benefit you and help you lead a happier life. I feel you are halfway there so I hope you take happymomof1 advice and make an appointment tomorrow, don’t even think twice about it. I don’t want to sound scary or anything but I think if you don’t deal with these things they have potential to turn into larger and more serious problems. Just #1 is a thing that can get out of control and interfere with functioning. It sounds like you have done really well so far, so do that for yourself.</p>

<p>P.S. edit to add it also occurs to me that acting one way on the outside and feeling another way on the inside causes a great deal of stress. Learning to manage stress and not cause yourself unnecessary stressors is also important to maintain good mental health. Stress has consequences.</p>

8

<p>When I was still in school I found myself attracted to tall, good-looking, smart women.
My solution was to marry one of them.
(YMMV)</p>

9

Hey, I recently read your comment and I wanted to reply to you, beacause I have some interesting things to tell you. Fist of all, let me introduce myself. I am also a girl like you, but a little bit younger, I go to junior high school (I graduate this year) and I am from a non-english-speaking country so, I am sorry in advance for all the mistakes you may notice.
I know you can’t believe it but i have EXACTLY THE SAME problem with you. I am “obsessed” with one of my teacher (she is female too) at school and I think I am the only person I can understand EXACTLY how you feel. Well, I don’t usually reply to comments written from people I don’t know so, the fact that I reply to you, should be a proof that all I will say I trully mean it because as stated I am exactly in the same situation.
Fistly, I don’t like the word “obsessed”. I prefer the word “love” because, there are many people who find it weird, but we love our teachers as well, and personally I think this is reasonable because we spend lot of time with them and also they are people who love us (if the weren’t, they wouldn’t care and as a result they would’t teach us anything)
Theo nly difference I have with you is that this is the first time I have such feelings for a teacher (because you said you had started from elementary) but if you meet my teacher, there is no doupt you would feel the same way. I also do everything to make her proud of me and I also get jealous when I see other people getting her congratulations (but only people I know they do in on purpose, in order to get me jealous, I mean I’m not jealous of my friends who try to please her in order to get a good a grade). The thing is that I talk about her every minute, and my friends, reasonably, tell me to stop doing that. They tell me that I am “obsessed” with her, and sometimes they make fun of me but I don’t really mid it, because I know that my friends do it in order to help me overcome it, but there are other mean people who like just to make fun of me. Anyway, after three years with my teacher, I have built an admirable relationship with her, and she has understood that I trully love her and that I behave like she was my mother. To make you realize how I love her, I am even jealous of her son because I can’t accept the fact that he is with her every single day and I really would give anything to be in his place. I wake up and my fist thought every mornig is whether I will see my teacher or not that day. So as you can see, we have a lot in common
As I said, I see her as my mother and I have found the cause of this; My mother loves me very much and I love her very much but lately, she spends most of the time with my siblings because they are babies and I have to refill this empty space somehow, so the first person my mind found was my teacher.
Anyway, I know that this can be really weird but I don’t consider it a problem, since it makes you happy when you are near them, the only issue is that because it is something happening rarely, our peers are not used to this behaviour and do not know how to react so they sometimes get nervous.
A solution I would suggest is telling your teacher EXACTLY how you feel. I am sure they will understand you and after a little time you will realize that you are not so “obsessed” like you were before, because all we need in such occasions is to express our feelings, but especially when the situation is this complicated we are afraid of doing that. I have spoken to my teacher and she understood me and know I feel a loooooot better.
You can’t imagine my relief when I read your comment because I realized I am not the only one who has this issue.
Please take my advise into consideration, and even if you don’t follow them, which is absolutely reasonable, I would like to reply me as soon as possible, just to give me the feeling I am not alone facing this. If you also want, we coud keep in touch since we have so many things in common.

Thank you for posting your comment and please, do not feel embarrassed because this is not a thing you should be embarrassed of. It is like being embarrassed of your color or nacionality if they are different form others’. Just because we are a minority, doesn’t mean we should be embarrased!