It could be that they’re expecting others to just applaud them for figuring out a way to accomplish their goal and think they’ll have lots of cheerleaders. It’s painful to hear of plans that will have long lasting bad consequences for loved ones.
There can be a blunt opinions shared in the Financial Aid forum but SO MUCH good advice even if not delivered gracefully (and sometimes it can feel a little judgmental).
I’d tell people to bring their thicker skin but come, post and expect a lot of high-quality help. It’s worth a little offense.
Your friend is feeling awful. But it’s not because you are awful. The situation is awful. I would give her time to process it.
It can take time–it likely took your friend time to come up with her solution. It’s also unpleasant knowing her kid will likely sulk and be unhappy to be told no, the dream is unaffordable.
Because they want reassurance, not opposition. Countless kings’ advisers have been beheaded for not understanding this. 
^Just like all the kids who start threads asking for advice, then get upset when they get answers they don’t like.
I believe true friends tell the truth. Don’t ask me if you don’t want an honest answer. On the flip side sometimes it is hard to hear the truth. If you were gentle and not judgmental I don’t think you list a friend; I think she is just upset with the situation. Give her time and she will come around.
You don’t owe an apology to anyone. Send her a link to the FA forum here and be done with it. Frankly, her D is a selfish monster and she is a fool. Flame away.
Thanks, all.
Before I even posted my original post here, I apologized to her for bringing it up. She knows I’m in finance and that I had just done a ton of research on financial aid, etc for my own kids, and hopefully that I was just worried for her. She is always posting publicly that she doesn’t have enough money and I truly think this could cripple them for the rest of their lives.
I agonized over mentioning it but she was asking for advice, and she has no one in her life to give her good financial advice. Imagine if no one had ever told her that 150k in loans was a bad idea… I just couldn’t have lived with myself. But somehow I still feel awful that it was me.
She’s “just” not speaking to me and I’m hoping she’ll think things through and not blame me too much. I’m just very sad about it.
The OP didn’t “tell” her friend she couldn’t do anything. She advised her not to do it. It amazes me that some here act like the OP stopped the friend from doing something. No. Not really. She gave her advice. Her friend, if she wants to, can still do it. Whatever. In any event, some of the replies here are comical to me. What is also funny is that I totally agree with @Consolation in #27. It also ties in to the other threads here and in the Parent Cafe that I am posting on about dent and income inequality and midlife divorces because if the OP’s friends D ever met one of my kids, and still had all her debt, I know EXACTLY what I’d tell my sons to do and it would start with run for the freaking hills. My sons won’t be paying off anyone else’s debt no way not going to happen as long as I’m breathing.
Yes, often the messenger is the first victim of bad news. You were a true friend, but it’s tough to hear bad news. Time is needed to process and perhaps strategize alternatives.
BTDT. My H’s sister sent her S and D to “dream” schools they could not afford. D is trying to use that program where you work in public service for 10 years or so to pay back loans and S is graduating this year. While I feel bad, when SIL tells me “how could I say no?” I think to myself, easy, you can’t afford a big expensive: house, car. vacation, etc. so you don’t do it. And then when she tells me the gov’t should pick up her kids loans, I just change the conversation. I do not want to pay for her kids schooling, but I will not argue with her about it… They had cheaper options but picked more expensive ones. My H and I have scrimped and saved. At least from my SIL I don’t see the scrimping and saving. I can’t speak for everyone, but We all have choices. I know I sound snarky, but no kid is entitled to an expensive private college education. How did we get to this point? I think you be the good friend you are and point out the obvious, the school is not affordable. The sooner they decide that the more time they have to evaluate other options. What happens in year 2 or 3 when parent cannot get loans?
It is NOT kind to smile and nod when someone you care about is doing something that will mortgage their future and that of their kid(s).
It’s just very tough to have to burst the bubble and have the fallout heaped on you for being brace and honest.
Really, in this situation the BEST possible thing is that the parent cannot qualify for the necessary loans and is forced to come to her senses.
The worst possible is that she falls into the clutches of Navient or something of that sort and signs away the rest of her life.
The other worst situation is that the parent qualifies for SOME big loans but then stops qualifying and kiddo drops out with huge loans or degree from no-name-U which family was trying to avoid.
^ this is a likely outcome. I think OP did the right thing to speak up but once said, you can’t press.
I find no fault with OP.
I can’t predict whether the friendship will survive. But pheebers shouldn’t geel guilty.
OP, you did the right thing. No apology necessary. Maybe she posted on FB hoping some of her friends would donate to her kid’s college fund? 
Imprudent borrowing due to financial ignorance is a big reason for the student debt crisis.
I think it was thoughtful that the OP messaged the friend instead of responding on Facebook directly. I bet the mom will be getting similar responses from others in real life and will probably be back in touch sometime in the future.
OP - Joining the chorus here… explaining the situation was the kindest thing you could have done.
" I find one of the most awful things about cc is how many people tell others what they should or shouldn’t borrow. " - Actually, I’d say it is one of the greatest values of CC. If more parents came here and did their research (ideally before April senior year), then fewer friends would need to have this kind of tough, candid decision.
These jumbo loan decisions are a BIG deal. Sure, sometimes the tone is not as careful with strangers as with friends. But any family deciding to take the plunge needs should hear the warnings and weigh the pros/cons.