My essay is about how three friends and I skipped an outdoor church service and hid in a forest instead.
I tried to connect that to becoming an adult and growing up. Taking risks with confidence (agreeing to hide in the forest, when I was hesitant since I’ve never really explored wilderness before and it turned out to be a fun experience) along with the support of friends is the lesson learned. Also realizing that not everything is peachy in life as you grow up and obstacles will stand in my way (certain obstacles in the terrain, friend getting shoe submerged in mud, getting lost and having to cross a man’s backyard)
What do you guys think? I’ve editing my essay for the past few weeks and I’ve hit a roadblock. I don’t know how to use the correct language to convey my point. My writing style is just bad, and my flow sucks.
If I’m going to spend so much effort into fixing this essay I want to know if my topic is even good. Thanks
If you don’t believe it’s you, then the essay readers won’t think its you. I think you have a great topic going for you, it just takes a bit of time to develop that idea into words. I’d say stick with the same topic, just start your essay off from scratch without referring back to the original, and see how different it is from your first draft. Then you can compare and possibly combine certain ideas from both drafts and then see what you come up with.
My second suggestion would be to take a few days off from that topic and let it sit in your mind for a while. Then randomly one day you’ll have an epiphany and know exactly what to write about. (At least thats what happens to me). Try that and see how it goes
If you’re talking about the moment you became an adult, I’m thinking you may want to downplay the whole “skipped a church service” part of the story. The word “skipped” leads me to believe you may have deceived your parents, and it kind of kills the whole idea of becoming a responsible adult.
Try handing your essay off to someone who knows you-- maybe last year’s English teacher (who is probably less swamped with similar requests than your current teacher.) Maybe he or she can pin down the words you’re missing.
Skipping church to hang out in the woods sounds much more like a “farewell to childhood/nostalgic final childhood experience” sort of motif than it does a “transition to adulthood/struggles toward maturity metaphor” motif. It’s actually skipping out on a more mature part of life (attending church) to partake in something more childhood-coded (playing in the woods). So you can’t successfully frame the different parts, like exploring and taking risks, simply as steps toward maturity. This kind of extended metaphor/framing device, with sticky mud directly symbolizing life’s hardships, is quite tacky anyway.
It would be better to discuss the event without making it serve strictly as a symbol. Even by itself, an essay on this topic could be quite gripping and emotionally compelling, although it probably won’t argue that you should have a position at a university. However, I think you can probably add this as well. If you complicate your narrative by adding a truly mature plot point later, such as getting a job, fulfilling a responsibility, helping someone else, setting an example, giving advice (etc.) and connect it positively to the “skipping church” experience (through some useful lesson learned, for example), then you could end up with something like “Although I’m progressing wholeheartedly toward adulthood, I’ve discovered that the child version of me and the adult version are really the same person. The lessons and experiences I’ve had growing up have just as much value as the ones I’m having now as a more mature person with more opportunities and responsibilities. I treasure everything I experience, not just because I seek to enjoy each moment of my life, but also because I know that all of them have the potential to teach me something of value. Knowing this, more than anything else, signifies to me that I’m becoming a mature person.”
This will resolve on a positive note and frame you as someone who is consciously developing and improving with time–or, to put it more crudely, as a good investment.
@thesebajun ,
Well, the moment you became an adult might be the one when you realized that, in spite of the great time you and your friends had hiding in the woods, you weren’t making the adult choice.
What a child saw as “taking risks” probably wasn’t an adult thing to do: risk in and of itself isn’t adult. It’s the choice of risks that makes an adult-- running into a burning building on a dare as opposed to running into the same building because you hear screams coming from inside.
You could talk about how becoming adult isn’t so much about what you do, but why you do it. And about how you became an adult upon reflection of this incident.
Is this making any sense? Is it something you can use?
@bjkmom Yes, that makes sense. I get what you’re saying, but I don’t really like the idea as much… I wouldn’t really have much to expand upon it. Thanks though.
@Coriander I love your idea. You made a great point about how skipping church is actually childish instead of mature. How should I intertwine my “truly mature plot point”? Can I PM you further about my essay?