<p>title should be: a few sentences FROM...and... I want to know IF they are decent.</p>
<p>I can pm the whole thing, but here are a few excerpts that should capture the essence (style and purpose) of the essay. Tell me if they're "ok" please. I'm not looking to write something great - just something that wont hurt my strong application</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I would otherwise avoid the subject, but I find it distressingly incomplete to share the world I come from without addressing the influence of modern technology on it. This is because I am sharing my world within the context of my aspirations; and my aspirations, though maybe budded from real-life experience, have been - and continue to be - honed and reformulated from my interactions with various online (virtual) resources.</p></li>
<li><p>My reluctance to discuss the centrality of modern technology in my world is related to its preponderance. Because modern technology is a part of the lives of so many of us, it might be considered to have a constant and predictable influence on the lives of today’s people. But the thing is, like with many things (for example, money), ubiquity does not preclude differences at the individual level; that is, while we may possess the same things (money and modern technology), how we individually use them (what we choose to buy, and what information we choose to expose ourselves to) may vary.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>i was going to read them, but them my hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia kicked in jk
just to let you know, a reader from ucla and another from uci told us not to be bombastic in our writing, even if these words are all in your vocabulary, they might not be in the readers’ vocabulary (as ironic as it sounds since im guessing many of them are english majors)
its just a suggestion to change your word choice, but its up to you
the excerpts are very good though</p>
<p>This sounds really clinical/cold/impersonal. It honestly seems like you just used a thesaurus for the whole thing…I’m not trying to be offensive (maybe you write like this normally) but I would suggest “loosening up” a bit; from these excerpts you come across as…a robot(?). I don’t know, the whole things seems very impersonal, and while it’s certainly well written, the AOs just want to get to know you. Big words and highfalutin style obscure your voice IMO.</p>
<p>I saw a video of a UVA AO reading an essay which sounds similar in tone to yours, and he was using it as an example of what not to do. The backbone of your essay is certainly there (from what I can tell), but it seems like you are just trying to impress the AOs (even if your not). You should come across as intelligent, but also with a personality. Best of luck, and don’t take my remarks as degrading etc. — they are only meant as constructive criticism.</p>
<p>Their not decent, their bad. You actually managed to say nothing in 5 lines. </p>
<p>Oh yeah, if you submit this, you better have gotten a 12 on your SAT essay, because the first thing they will do is check if you always write like this.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone. You make yourself sound very…formal, intelligent-sounding, and scholarly. You are not writing a research paper. You are writing something that an admissions officer will read and once they’re done reading, they should know you better as a person.</p>
<p>I appreciate you comments. Yes, I agree it is “cold/clinical/impersonal”. Hopefully the beginning won’t turn off readers too much. I do end up “loosening up” throughout the essay.</p>
<p>Also, its an open question as to whether I’m a robot or not (does this affect admissions???)</p>
<p>meterman -</p>
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<p>I would like to think I did actually say something (maybe it’s just hard to understand, or maybe I could have presented my ideas better) .</p>
<p>oh gosh I got a 8 on my SAT essay. but it was infused with a lot of enthusiasm and “emotion”.</p>
<p>I hope the adcoms can locate my true and unadulterated self amongst the writing samples I’ve provided.</p>
<p>I’m sure you’re saying SOMETHING but what it is gets a bit muddled behind your syntax and diction, and it also doesn’t tell me much about you except to be worried you’re rather robotic. Try to focus less on sounding smart and more on just showing them a glimpse into your personality. Would you write this to, say, a future roommate who wanted to get to know you? I can’t tell completely w/out seeing the rest of the essay but I’d say that for a personal statement, you might wanna change it up. Good luck!</p>
<p>You guys are reiterating excellent advice. The fact that all the comments are converging lends credibility to the opinions. It remains to be seen if I have a personality or not - but we shall see!</p>
<p>Sounds quite contrived - too wordy, with little substance. Remember, adcoms only spend 5-10 mins reading your essay, so you better get to the point fast and not focus on sounding “intelligent”.</p>
<p>first thing i noticed, it sounds like you’re trying to point out to the audience, your reader, what they should have found from your essay. (and if they didn’t find them, then your essay failed)</p>
<p>second, the wordings are more of a speech than an essay… not to mention the word usages, it would take me to reread it once to understand what you are trying to say.</p>
<p>third, you have no evidence of support for your claims. basically, you’re giving off a slogan like “vote for change” and only when you win (that is, when they accept you to the college) will they find change that might or might not be in their interest.</p>
<p>fourth, from the two paragraphs, methinks your topic isn’t fit to be used as a short essay. Sound’s like you’re trying to include your personality and everything into the essay. Well, that’s a wrong way to write. Instead of shoving it to their face, make it hidden within the essay.</p>