I wrote an essay. You know what to do.

[flower161]

<p>Yeah so any feedback would be great.</p>

<p>Question: Are all important discoveries the result of focusing on one subject?</p>

<p>Answer: In this day and age, discoveries are being made on a daily basis. Discoveries are being made in a plethora of areas from science to agriculture. But all these discoveries are possible due to focus in one subject. It is incontrovertible that discoveries result from extensive focus in one area. Several examples such as the discovery of Jupiter's temperature by Carl Sagan and the focus on coffehouses by Howard Schultz prove that focusing on one area is crucial for future advancement.</p>

<p>In the case of Carl Sagan, Jupiter's temperature would not be known if Carl Sagan did not focus on astronomy. During the 1970's, Carl Sagan was the host of the show Cosmos. Although devoted to the show, Carl was interested in his astronomy work as well. Therefore, he took a break from Cosmos to focus on his astronomy research. As a result, he was able to find Jupiter's temperature in six months.</p>

<p>As clearly demonstrated by Howard Schultz vision to change Starbuck's focus on coffeehouses, he was able to discover the popularity of the coffeehouse culture and build the company upon the discovery. In 1986, Howard visited Italy and was interested in the vibrant coffeehouse culture present there. Consequently, Howard wanted to change the focus of the company on not just producing coffee but producing a coffeehouse culture in America. As a result, Starbucks expanded quickly during the 1990's and 2000's and Howard gained a plethora of success from the discovery.</p>

<p>The discoveries made by Carl Sagan and Howard Schultz indeed prove that in order for advancement to occur, one must focus on a certain subject.</p>

[tomatox1]

<p>Solid 8-9. It seems a little repetitive because you repeat the same things over and over and over again:

But all these discoveries are possible due to focus in one subject. It is incontrovertible that discoveries result from extensive focus in one area.

These two sentences mean the exact same thing. It seems as though you only wrote the second sentence to use a vocab word.
Also, you don’t seem to write a lot. I suggest you go into a little more detail because length really does equate to more points.
Also, you don’t really analyze what you’re saying. When you write “As a result, he was able to find Jupiter’s temperature in six months,” you don’t go in depth and show critical thinking most graders are looking for. For example, you could have additionally written in the second paragraph:</p>

<p>

Carl Sagan’s narrowminded focus for six whole months on finding the temperature of Jupiter helped him in making one of the most important discoveries at the time. In addition, had Carl Sagan not focused so closely on making the discovery that he did by taking a temporary hiatus from his TV show and his other studies, he most likely would not have discovered Jupiter’s temperature, and instead probably would have been distracted by his other obligations.

</p>

<p>Also, try to incorporate more detail. You seem to give only a few facts in each paragraph; for example, what was the temperature of Jupiter? If you can’t think of any, just make them up. The essay graders will be unable to fact-check your details.</p>

<p>Finally, try to expand on your conclusion. You could write:</p>

<p>

In fact, if one instead tries to do many important things simultaneously, he will be overwhelmed and will be unable to complete his tasks as one who focuses on one thing and does it well would be.

</p>

[flower161]

<p>Thanks! What you said makes a lot of sense. I’ll make sure to do that in my next essay :)</p>