@Iwonderwhere, we’re in the same boat. My son, a freshman, wants to study theatre. He is good, but this is a highly competitive field, and I believe his gifts are more academic. He is taking Japanese, computer science, environmental science and economics this semester, and I am hoping that one of these is the life-changing course that will make him say, “now that’s what I want to study!”
If she needs an idea of where her grades are, she really should talk with her advisor and/or the dept. If she really loves physics, maybe there are math courses or reviews that can catch her up.
I definitely spoke up to one of mine about major. She was set on something that wasn’t working out and was pulling her down. I kept saying, take an elective in X, and she finally did. Eureka. Not all kids get to college knowing what their broad options are. Many only experienced what their hs offers. We can offer some perspective.
I think parents sometimes need to give their kids permission to say “this isn’t what I thought it was” or “this isn’t for me”.
And I echo the advice that she should be getting direction from her professors. My kids struggled- I struggled- anyone taking tough courses is going to struggle at times in college. There’s a difference between “I’m moving boulders up a hill and they come crashing down on me every night” kind of struggle and “this is really hard and I’m not getting all A’s like I used to but I’m learning like crazy and feeling very inspired to do my best”.
Maybe just starting a conversation to listen to what your D is feeling???
Yes, I would say something. (D has a biology degree. Now she is in art school. . .)
There’s a difference between discussing and dictating. With so much time and money on the line, I’m surprised how many people think you should just watch her flounder silently. If things aren’t going well, I’d encourage her to talk to all her advisors. And that would include you.
I mean no disrespect to the OP, because I struggle with the same issues. However what is most clear here, is that D is not doing what the OP wants. This post was never about money.
Can you imagine being the D, and parent comes to the conclusion that your chosen major isn’t feasible. How can D not feel crushed. How can she not experience the OPs anxiety and just feel rotten. If that is indeed the conclusion, and not just the OP catastrophizing based on a few weeks of classes, D must reach it herself.
This 19 year old has to own it. OP has to trust that D is capable of making good decisions and is also capable of overcoming the myriad of mistakes that she will invariably make as she sorts out how to navigate her life. The result will be a robust young woman who has taken a few lumps but got back up.
Kids do not magically mature the day they turn 18 or the day they move in to a dorm room. Unless this kid comes from the small minority of communities with a test prep/tutoring culture where it is considered normal for good students to have tutors, she simply may be slow to see herself as the kind of student who needs some extra help, whether that is with a private tutor or a campus help organization or just seeing the prof or TA.
I wouldn’t over-interpret OP’s intentions.
I hadn’t thought of it as a ‘control’ issue, but I will definitely reexamine my motives. I am concerned that D was not on a track which matched her talents, and which could also be a financial fiasco, as I am full pay and losing merit money is a stress.
I DO feel that if studies aren’t going well, a person needs to try new approaches. I admit the comment about not wanting a weekend tutor didn’t sit well with me, college isn’t a Monday to Friday thing imo
May I suggest your DD visit the career center at her college? They offer all kinds of vocational tests. Sometimes a variation of the major comes to light.
I know of a few kids who majored in engineering (these are the kids who played with legos all their lives even as adults) and just didn’t have the math skills - took them years to get through (extra summer math classes, tutoring, etc.) I think Physics is the same - you need strong math skills.
Review with her the long range plan - what to do with Physics - many Physics majors who don’t want to pursue graduate degrees fall back on their math to do things like work on wall street.
“Don’t hover over a 19 year old young adult. She has to own it.” - She will not “own” it if she is still at the parents’ house at 28, will she? There are plenty of examples out there, was just mentioned to me by one of my friends. I guess he let his D. to “own” it at 19. Now he “owns” it when she is 28 and still in his house. He sounded very frustrated, I do not believe that he enjoys “owning” it, although he would fully enjoy his D’s visits if she was on her own.
i had a friend in college, math major, with lower calc grades than i had as a bio major. friend continued with math and graduated as a math major. with a lot of Cs and Bs…but happy as a clam and ended up in finance. so, you never know. it has been a big lesson to me in “grades aren’t everything” to know this person
Math did not come easily to my son. He struggled with some concepts starting with Algebra 1, got a C one semester in precal, and scored so low on the AB Calculus exam that he didn’t get credit. He also scored poorly enough on his college’s math placement exam that he had to take precal over before taking first-semester calculus over–meaning that he spent his entire freshman year repeating math that he should have learned in high school.
He wanted to major in computer science. I was concerned.
I didn’t tell him to choose a different major, but I did suggest that he might want to complete the prerequisites for two majors so that he would have a choice later on. I explained that this was something I had done myself when I was in college. He gave me a look and said, “You don’t think I can handle the math, right?” (It’s very hard to BS some people. My son is one of them.)
He went on to major in computer science, completed two prestigious summer internships, graduated with honors, got a master’s degree in computer science, and got a job in software engineering. He’s 29 now and has been working successfully as a software engineer ever since he finished his master’s degree. And he likes his work. He likes it a lot.
He still resents the fact that I didn’t think he could handle the math in the computer science major. And I’m glad that I wasn’t successful in discouraging him from majoring in computer science. I could have inadvertently steered him away from a very appropriate career.
My DD, in HS, started with wanting to be a librarian, then it morphed into information systems, then computer science and then she entered college as a CE major. After the first year, she considered going into EE. My DH, who is an EE encouraged her to stay in CE because he knows both fields. That was a good decision, she much prefers the software to the hardware. She also struggled in her first Calculus class. I have never seen her work as hard as she did to get a B. Nothing has been as hard since and most classes much easier.
She is thinking about graduating now and still does not know what she wants to be - go to work, MBA, law school or becoming a librarian for an engineering school. Full circle - who knew - but with her degree she should be able to support herself and her decisions in the future and that is all we wanted.
All I would do is make sure she knows she has my blessing should she want to change. Sometimes, kids think “But I’ve always said I wanted to be a ___ major. People will be disappointed if I don’t press on.” I might encourage her to look at electives in other fields, hoping she stumbled on something that made her want to change on her own. Sometimes, kids stick with a major because they don’t know what else to do. But, as long as the kid is in good academic standing, I would not blatantly suggest a new path.
I don’t disagree with you and I feel your anxiety. I’ve been there and AM there with my D2 sometimes. Other times she surprises me on the positive side and she’s developed a lot of self-confidence. I’ve reached the point where I recognize that I’m not going to be brought into the loop if she feels like I’m asserting control in any way. I can no longer actively parent, it must be passive. Otherwise, she outright lies to me to prevent me from becoming anxious which makes her feel bad. So far it hasn’t blown up, but if it does, I’m pretty powerless anyway. My expectations are clearly being managed, and I have to just smile. So I’ve learned to ask questions and make bad jokes (now you’ve tried the first 4 letters of the alphabet for grades you probably want to avoid the 6th). She has 3 more semesters of college to get through, and overall she has around a 3.5 in a brutal major. But she has used all of the letters except F, which is nerve racking, and she spends a lot of time on sorority stuff. I need to be supportive though even though it’s not how I would handle things.
I just don’t think you can force it and maintain trust. I think you need to find a way to influence without it sounding like hovering. That’s why I suggested offering to help while letting her know that she’s the boss. YMMV. Good luck.
She needs to be aware that MBA programs are not something you do immediately. It is almost unheard-of nowadays for people to enroll in an MBA program without a few years of work experience. In fact, if you don’t have work experience, you wouldn’t even be able to complete the applications for MBA programs because the essay questions call for information and examples that can only come from working. (My daughter is in an MBA program right now, and she showed me some of essay questions when she was applying.)
I think, on CC, we get so used to just throwing out our thoughts, opinions and advice that we forget each family has its own dynamics, its own history, and private details that color our concerns. What works for one may or may not work for another.
Some parents feel a college kid is now a fully independent “adult” (save for the fact they are financially dependent, maybe dependents on our taxes, and using our address as their legal and emotional residence.) Other still see an organic family relationship with a kid in transition, moving ahead but still learning.
Nothing wrong with asking our kids, “If for some reason this plan doesn’t work out, what other plans have you considered?” Or words to that effect. If we did our jobs reasonably well, that shouldn’t make them fall apart or be destroyed that we don’t have confidence in them. Or that we’re hovering. Or that we’re fools.
It’s a reasonable adult question. It’s the sort adults do share. And learning to handle this question IS part of growing up.
NO, I would never discourage a major. I a child really likes something - good luck. However, I would provide additional info about real job prospects. For example, forensic science looks cool on TV. However, in reality, forensic scientist may work with smelly, half-rotten corpses.
If I think that the major has low employment-capacity, I suggest to double major.