If you have a kid who takes rejection really personally, how do you handle a kid getting a rejection

We are awaiting word back from a few schools to see if my son (vocalist) was granted an audition. My son has gotten his first (would love it to also be his last!) rejection note from CCM (Cincinnati). This got me thinking, how do the rest of you help your kid get through rejection. Mine takes this so hard. He absolutely has to grow a thick skin in this business! Wondering how the rest of you guide your kids (or not) through rejection.

A couple ideas- performers, particularly theatrical performers and singers, are subject to many forces outside their own control. Casting is dependent on so many factors. A very successful actress I know once told a story about going in for a commercial audition where the casting sheet specified they were looking for a “‘her’ type” (by her name). She didn’t get it. The performer rarely finds out what those outside factors are. Maybe CCM has a current freshman male vocalist who is covering the same bases your son is.

That said, there are many factors that are within the performer’s control, which are the refrain of every teacher- practice, preparation, research. Working hard for it, basically. I think every performer needs to strike a balance between being too self-critical (“I suck”) and not self-critical enough (“they suck”). Look at rejections as an opportunity to learn, to reflect on what they could have done better, but don’t make themselves crazy, either, especially at such a young age when they’re far from done developing, and it in fact isn’t always strictly about them, but how well they fit a slot someone’s trying to fill.

I guess 17 or 18 is a good time to figure out that talent isn’t enough, though. I’ve always tried to reassure my performer kids of my belief in their talents, while at the same time emphasizing that their talents will only take them so far. It’s not an easy balance to find at times like this. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for your son at CCM.

Thanks for the reflection. That is helpful. He IS auditioning at Oberlin, Michigan, MSM and Aaron Copeland. We’re waiting to hear from three more. But he is one of those “spiralers”. So this entire admissions thing is definitely a chance for him to work on growing some perspective!

Everyone participating in any form of competitions in life will have to deal with the experience of losing or being rejected. Some deal with it well, some don’t. The below YouTube video, “Jon Nakamatsu’s ‘Loser’s Club,’” should be a required viewing for all dealing with the experience. He’s the 1997 Cliburn Competition Gold Medalist, and in this video, he reveals his “dark secrets” that speak for all “losers”:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5smz7gycqQ

This is fantastic!!! Thank you, @TiggerDad !

First, you and your S are not alone. My D spirals…and it hasn’t been the end of her auditioning and performing. Over time, she has gotten better with perspective…but the emotions can still take over from time to time. If it’s for a few days, so be it. It’s ok to be disappointed and bummed (and even irrational) for a bit of time if he bounces back. It just may be the way he processes emotions.

I would try to see what works for him based on comments here. My D finds comfort reading about other performers’ struggles…many for years. That may or may not work for him. But when he’s ready gently give him some ideas to deal with “perspective”. He’ll need to figure out what works for him. This IS part of being a perform…so he does need to take a hard look to decide how to move forward.

As a parent it can be hard to ride your kid’s emotions. So you being steady and having faith in him is important (even if you are dying a little inside). My D recently called me with a rejection and missed me (I wasn’t available luckily…lol). She texted me she went in the bathroom at work and cried. It breaks my heart a bit…but I remember not to react (besides the obligatory text that I believe in her no matter what) and wait a day or two…and she was fine with a new audition that went well.

One of the best things I learned on here: when your kid loses faith, you need to believe for him/her. Be steady. Be strong. And believe in him. He’ll come along.

Great posts above.

As a parent, I think of it as staying in the boat while they are in the water. I can help pull them up but if I get in the water with them, we both might drown. So as others have wisely said, we parents can stay steady in our confidence in them (and our love), and they can get back in the boat at their own pace.

For true spiralers, who may suffer from some level of depressive qualities, therapy can help. “Catastrophizing” thoughts like “I will never make it” or “I knew I was no good” can be dealt with with a good cognitive behavior counselor, perhaps one who is knowledgeable about the field. Not saying your post merits a suggestion of counseling, but over the years I know several who have benefited.

Hopefully the end of the spiral comes in the form of an offer soon!

Thank you!!! We’ve had a few more acceptances AND rejections in the last few days. It’s been interesting, to say the least. I am beginning to realize that I am scared for him. This is not my rodeo–at least not to ride in. But if I am honest, I am scared for him. Which is why his spiralizing worries me so. (Though I am able to sit tight and not add to the drama.)

The thing is, the very qualities that make for a good musician (sensitivity, emotion) are also the qualities that make it difficult to work as a good musician under constant review/evaluation/perfectionism. No easy answers and an ongoing challenge (musician kid entered college in 2014; pretty much the same strategies i employed in high school still work today even though the stakes are higher).

How has you son dealt with rejection in the past? My D20 (mezzo) has not always had the easiest road in high school. She has had plenty of music and theatre rejections, some of which I personally feel were “unfair” (like when the theatre director told her that another girl got the main part my daughter wanted because my daughter had the range to sing the other lesser part that the first girl couldn’t—argh!) I find with my kids that they are emoting big time for a little while and then get past it. Meanwhile, I’ll be seething about something for several days longer! So…I’m trying to learn to fence in my own emotional reactions and let their natural process ride. I can’t tell you how many times I’m thinking “They must still be having a really hard day!” While they are actually already over the loss.

The fact that your son IS getting acceptances is a positive. Focus on those as best you can. He is going to have to winnow down his options at some point. He can only go to one school! CCM (and others) are not going to be a right fit for him like they would for other musicians, while other places will suit him better than other prospective students. There is a bit of “arbitrariness” as mentioned earlier with vocal performers. They are indeed “casting” their vocal class in the audition. Best of luck! And I totally understand the emotional thing. My HS senior is my third of four children (three of them girls) and sometimes emotions are all over the place here. But these artistic types (especially the singers and theatre kids) need those emotions for their art. Hang in there!

@OrangeJacket oh the life of a mezzo. Having to sing the supporting roles since all the other girls are sopranos. Or having to be the old woman (not the young girl star) bc you can actually act. Been there done that. But my D is now fearful of becoming a soprano (fach changes are real even in your late 20s). Her voice has inched up over the years. The competition is steeper for sopranos. It just is…so mezzos can rejoice (even if rarely the star) they can get accepted/hired!

And yes I agree with the above that this process can be harder on parents…not bc you’re crazy or over-involved…but bc you have no control. Watch your kid closely. Many of these kids know where they belong. They won’t give up despite a few rejections bc they can tell based on visits, watching videos, interactions, past students successes that they belong. The rejections seem wrong bc they know they have the talent (but as discussed it’s about more that that). Still a few of the schools will need that talent without that small nuances (too many mezzos accepted the year prior) that caused the rejection at one or two schools. If your kid is fine…trust in his/her confidence. Easier said than done…but a good time to start practicing that skill bc you’ll need it over and over again.

@MomOfSingers,

As others have eloquently said, rejection is part of being a performer. My son is now three years out of school and making a living full time with his music. He tours throughout the country and internationally, both as a leader and as a side man, teaches, performs in musical theater and has a number of other musical gigs. He has also encountered rejections throughout his musical life and regularly encounters rejections now.

Rejections hurt, but I think enough rejections eventually build up necessary calluses that make them easier to take. Each person needs to find their own way of dealing with rejection, but my son has two strategies.

One is to remind himself that he’s not doing this for the praise, he’s doing it for the love of the music. He knows there are easier life paths, but music is who he is and what defines him. Of course, he needs to be successful enough to support himself if he wants to make it his career, but so long as he has enough successes to make a living, his focus is on continuing to develop his music and sharing it with audiences that appreciate what he’s doing.

The second is to try to use the rejections as inspiration to improve. He is always striving to get better and do more. He says that if he ever reaches the point that he doesn’t have that drive, he’ll know it’s time to quit.

If your son is getting auditions at places like Oberlin, Michigan and MSM, he’s obviously doing something right. It’s okay to be hurt by rejection - he wouldn’t be human if he wasn’t. But (again as others have said) he’ll do best if he can keep his focus on the things he can control. And, of course, continue to embrace his love of the music that put him on this crazy path in the first place.

Best of luck to him and all of this year’s auditioners!

I just remembered reading an article last year (related to Harvard?) about young people who are very successful and haven’t experienced much failure or rejection. The conclusion was that these are necessary to develop resilience, and many of those kids just aren’t resilient and become devastated by their first rejection.

So at least our kids have learned resilience!

I always told my students and my S about Giuseppe Verdi when they had experiences of rejection from music colleges. Verdi was not accepted at the Milan Conservatory, too!! And believe it or not, the conservatory is now named after him. What Verdi did was “keep going”.

Haha, @violinmom29 ! I love that! Thank you!