I'm Depressed

Parents Forum
1

<p>I graduate 2 weeks from today. There are exactly 8 school days left.
I will be 18 in 2 months. I leave for college in 3 months. My senior prom is a week from tomorrow.</p>

<p>This will probably be a long post so sorry in advance. </p>

<p>I was a naughty child last year. I got involved in a lot of drinking and drugs and the relationship between my parents and I became very strained. However, an incident at the begining of my senior year totally changed my attitude. I stopped doing bad things and started caring about my grades again. I did really well, and didn't use any form of drug or alcohol for nearly 6 months. </p>

<p>As second semester rolled around I did attend the occasional party. I didn't drink very often, and when I did, I was MORE than responsible (always at a friends house, small group of people, no driving). I don't regret anything I did during my junior year because it taught me a lot. I plan to bring this same "responsible drinking" (not always an oxymoron!) attitude to college, something that a lot of students fail to do, which often ends in binge drinking/partying. </p>

<p>Over spring break, I went on a school trip for 2 weeks. While I was gone, my mom cleaned my car (remember this...it's important!). Anyways, since then, I haven't drank/drugged whatsoever. School has been insane and I just got a new job working 30-40 hours a week. I have also become disinterested in nearly all of my friends who party. I have my last huge assignment due next friday, and senior prom is the following day. I asked my mom if I could stay at a hotel with my closest senior friends after the prom. I was completely honest about there being no parents, though many of my friends lied and told their parents they would be staying at a friends house. Ever since last year, I have avoided lying to my parents and our relationship has totally prospered. We NEVER fight. My mom asked me if my two best friends would be staying over. The previous night, my best friends had told me that there parents "said they'd think about it, which basically means yes" so I told my mom, yes, they would be sleeping over as well. She also asked if there would be alcohol involved. Knowng my friends, there probably would be, but I had no plans of participating and therefore told her no. </p>

<p>Last night I asked my mom if she had made a decision on whether or not I could stay over. She then confessed to me that earlier that day, she had called both of my best friends' parents and asked them about sleeping over that night. Let's just say that all hell broke loose. I instantly knew that:
1. My best friends would definitely NOT be able to go. The fact that another mother called them and basically asked them why they were allowing their child to sleep at a hotel without parents is not only embarassing for them, but a form of betrayl from their own child.
2. My best friends would also be mad at me. I just ruined our last opportunity to ALL hang out. Two of my other closest friends leave immediatley after graduation.
3. I would not be able to go. And even if I somehow could, I would NEVER go because of how guilty I would feel.
4. Everything that my parents' and I have built; all that trust...was gone. They obviously didn't trust me, but I sure as hell don't trust them anymore. I have never worked harder than I have in the last 2 weeks and all I needed was a break. Guess not.
5. That my mom did this because she cares. Because I'm an only child and she can't let go. Because she loves me and still wants me to be her little girl. So even though I was really mad, I couldn't be. </p>

<p>So I basically started crying. All I could ask was WHY? Why don't you trust me? And then it is revealed that while I was on my trip, my mom was cleaning my car and found some alcohol in a water bottle. I had honestly forgotten about it. I can't even tell you when it's from. So this brings on a whole new load of emotions:
1. I feel horribly guilty and now understand why my mom did it.
2. But I also feel incredibly upset that my parents didn't tell me, but instead had become stricter without me understanding why. This once again demonstrates the worthlessness of teh relationship we had worked towards for the past year. </p>

<p>So basically I started crying again. And I'm just really depressed. My friends aren't speaking with me. I won't be able to hang out with them after senior prom. The stress that has been festering for the last 2 weeks has just exploded. I feel like it's too hard to try and have a relationship with my mom, and have basically given up. Which makes me really sad. I graduate in 2 weeks and I've never been so depressed. I NEVER cry, and I haven't stopped since last night. The principle and my English teacher saw me this morning and stopped to make sure I was okay. I miss my mom, I miss my friends, I don't even want to go to prom anymore. </p>

<p>I just don't know what to do.</p>

2

<p>Would you be willing to have your friends at your house without alcohol if your parents were willing? I'm not a big fan of teens alone in hotels. It just seems like a recipe for trouble especially since you seem to think your friends will be drinking.</p>

3

<p>What I always tell my children, trust is easily lost and very, very hard to regain. Your parents have good reason not to trust and they care about you. Soon you will be an adult and on your own. Until then, you need to respect your parents and understand WHY this happened. Once you are off to college, your parents will not have control and, given your history, they are probably scared to death. I certainly would be. Accepting the consequences of your behavior is the first step. Sit down with your parents and admit that you screwed up. Don't be defensive and don't try and justify. Let them know you understand why they are dissappointed and don't trust you. Clear the air. Hopefully, you have learned something. Once you have done this, you may be able to salvage some of your last days of high school. If not, enjoy it the best you can and start planning for a healthier, brighter future.</p>

4

<p>I don't think that the fact that your mother didn't bring up the issue of the alcohol in the car right away is indicative of your relationship with her being worthless.</p>

<p>Instead, I think that she was probably uncertain of the best way to handle the situation and decided to collect more information -- by observing what was going on in your life to see whether your old problems with alcohol might have recurred -- before discussing the subject with you. She would have brought it up on her own initiative eventually, but your plans for prom night prompted her to do something a little different.</p>

<p>I think you may need to accept the fact that prom night isn't going to turn out exactly as you had hoped, and start looking toward the future instead. And it might help if you stopped lying to your mom. (Saying that there would be no alcohol involved at the hotel when you knew that there probably would be counts as lying.) </p>

<p>Also, it might help if you cleaned your car more often. What if you had been stopped by the police and the officer had spotted that bottle?</p>

5

<p>
[quote]
Last night I asked my mom if she had made a decision on whether or not I could stay over. She then confessed to me that earlier that day, she had called both of my best friends' parents and asked them about sleeping over that night. Let's just say that all hell broke loose.

[/quote]
blythe, I don't understand - why was this the wrong thing for your mom to do? I'm not sure why you say she "confessed" this, because I don't see where she violated your trust by seeking to confirm with your friends' parents what you yourself told her was the case - that your two best friends would also be sleeping over at the hotel. Because you stretched the truth about this, it's not surprising that your mom feels she can't trust you. When you consider the drinking and drug-taking from last year, it would seem that repairing your relationship with your mom will take a long time.

[quote]
The fact that another mother called them and basically asked them why they were allowing their child to sleep at a hotel without parents is not only embarassing for them, but a form of betrayal from their own child.

[/quote]
I don't get this, either - how are their children "betraying" them? Your mom did what a mom does. You're not a college student yet, nor even 18 years old. You're her minor child, whom she loves very much, for whom she is responsible. </p>

<p>There's a lot wrong with this situation, for sure - but your mother didn't cause the problem.</p>

<p>The 20 y/o in my living room is wondering how a bunch of high school seniors can get a hotel room for a night without adult supervision.</p>

6

<p>Let go of the Prom, not your Mom.</p>

<p>In the course of your entire lifetime, your relationship with your mom is 10,000+ times more important than the prom. The prom is hype; your mom is real.
Sit down with her and figure out together how to piece back the trust. </p>

<p>If that includes having a supervised party, then do it. In a few years you'll hardly remember the last names of the friends.</p>

7

<p>Just for the record, I have 3 boys, all in college or beyond. They were great kids in high school. They didn't drink or do drugs, got great grades, everything. We had and continue to have a positive and trusting relationship. If they had come to me and asked if they could spend prom night at a hotel unsupervised, I would have said no. It isn't about trust. It is not about me not being able to let go. It is about the fact that it is not a good situation to be in. End of discussion.</p>

8

<p>Adding to my post, above (#6),</p>

<p>I know the friends seem more important now, but they seem to pull you down.</p>

<p>You were on the right track with your hard work.
Don't give all that hard work away now, by giving up. You're TOO GOOD for that.</p>

<p>You're sad and crying because you know how good it felt when your mom was trusting you. Now you're angry at yourself for messing up, but it's only temporary. And think about it: this time you know what you did wrong. That's progress. </p>

<p>These are the kinds of things to talk over with your mom.</p>

<p>If it were me, I'd start by printing out the long note you wrote for this thread, so she can see the whole picture. And I'd ask her to please meet and talk with you in the house, to figure out what you can do to regain her trust.</p>

<p>Remember: she WANTS to trust you so will be glad if you help show her the way back to that. </p>

<p>Since you and your mom love each other and WANT to work it back to the good place it was, you both have the same goal in mind. So you'll get there. As for your friends, well, they were deceptive to their parents and will just have to work it out in their own homes now. </p>

<p>Pay attention to your relationship with your Mom now, and you won't be sorry.</p>

<p>P.S. A problem for girls in hotel rooms after prom is date rape, so you can thank your mom.</p>

9

<p>^^^^^^Totally agree. And, I always called when D was invited to a party (even if I knew the parents). I asked who would be home/supervising, would there be alcohol and would kids be allowed to come and go at will. Initially D was embarrassed, but she got used to it and knew it was because I loved her. I trusted her but high school kids can get into unexpected situations that can spin out of control. </p>

<p>For Prom, we hosted an after-Prom party at our house (for 18 kids) which was basically all night. The kids had to come directly to our house after. If they went "out" first, they were not allowed to come here. If they came, they were here for the night, unless a previous arrangement was made and the parents knew when their kid was leaving and where they were going. All the kids spent the night. It was co-ed and they camped out in our family room with DVD's, CD's food. By morning, they were all crashed out on the floor, but safe and sober. While I was exhausted from no sleep, I am glad we openned our house to the kids. I would rather put up with the mess and lack of sleep, than have my D or S out anywhere after Prom.</p>

<p>Whenever kids came to our house for any party, I hugged them (if I knew them) which gave me a chance to smell any alcohol. D's friends were great and I never had a situation come up. I also collected keys because I didnt want kids going out to their cars for a quick drink. We had a rule that when they came to a party at our house, if they chose to leave, they could not come back. I did not want to be responsible for them going elsewhere and coming back under the influence. </p>

<p>I guess I was tough, but my D, now in college, just rolls her eyes and admits that it was OK afterall.</p>

10

<p>
[quote]
My best friends would also be mad at me. I just ruined our last opportunity to ALL hang out.

[/quote]

You didn't ruin it - your friends' lies ruined it.</p>

<p>When people lie it has a habit of catching up with them. The best bet is to never lie. If your friends choose to lie, that's their issue. You had no control over that. If they're going to try to hold you accountable for it then I guess they weren't very good friends to begin with. What your mom did was perfectly warranted and innocent. I suspect you'll do the same when you're a parent.</p>

<p>I've never had any major issues with my kids but I'd never have let them go stay the night in a hotel after prom. It's just asking for problems and it's unnecessary.</p>

<p>I strongly suggest you make sure any car you're driving doesn't contain alcohol in it since you can be arrested for that.</p>

<p>I like mathmom's suggestion of having your friends come back to your house - with no alcohol. If these friends are from your drug/alcohol days though, you know they'll probably be interested in doing that at the hotel or wherever they end up. If they're still into drugs/alcohol and you're not, it's time to get new, more compatible friends anyway.</p>

11

<p>A few anti-depressants:</p>

<p>Your Mom cares - a lot of parents don't. That's huge.
The prom will be a big deal this month, and then won't.
Your life will change profoundly in three months.</p>

<p>So a word of caution - if it's autonomy you crave, you'll have all you can handle in three months. Choose wisely - your college peers will shape your goals and aspirations more than any other factor in college. Decide how you want to turn out and get in with friends who ppear to be going in that direction. If alcohol and other drugs have derailed you in the past, be especially aware of the choices you make - especially in the first year of college.</p>

12

<p>Blythe, your mistake is that you are looking at "trust" and "letting go" as an all-or-nothing proposition, and it just isn't that way in real life. Remember the saying, "Trust... but verify" -- it means that trust doesn't mean that the parent should be naive or ignorant. </p>

<p>I remember when my daughter was a high school junior, age 17, and wanted to drive to Disneyland with a couple of friends over spring break (about 400 miles away) and I was not sure whether to give permission. One of the friends was over 18, but the other was a 16 year old girl so I called the mom to get a sense of how she felt about the idea -- especially since my daughter was doing the driving. I was very much relieved and felt much more comfortable about the trip when the other mom told me that she was confident things would be fine, because the other mom thought my daughter was more mature and responsible than most adults she knew -- I probably never would have allowed the trip without that feedback. (The trip went fine -- the kids had a great time and even stopped off along the way to visit my daughter's grandparents, and of course I was regularly in contact with them by cell phone). </p>

<p>Your mom IS letting go, but she is doing it in stages, and right now she knows that even if your intentions are good, things can get out of hand in ways that you don't anticipate. If you are still under 18, your mom is still legally responsible for you, no matter what. Part of that responsibility is to check things out -- if she doesn't, she isn't doing her job as a parent. </p>

<p>By the way, when my daughter was in high school, she planned after-prom parties spending the night at the homes of other kids where a parent would be there. There was one mom who apparently like to stay up all night and cook, because she was the kind of mom who was ready to serve up lasagne or bake a fresh batch of cookies at 3:00 am -- obviously there was always a big crowd of kids hanging out at that house.</p>

13

<p>blythe89,
I have 3 SONS and I always call to check that parents will be home. (I don't want you to think this is just something that mothers with daughters do.) It is difficult enough being a teenager nowadays, and then to be put in the uncomfortable situation where drinking/drugs is going on when you don't want to participate...not a great situaton. My kids may have been embarrassed at first, but now it's understood that I will be doing this. I have forbidden them to go to certain cast parties (post-theater performances) because I know that although parents will be present, they are clueless parents who don't realize that since their bar is in the entertainment room where the kids will be, guess what, the kids will help themselves. So, please try to sit down with your mother now that you understand that she found the alcohol in your car. Explain to her that the mistake you made about the alcohol was made a long time ago. She might believe you. You will feel much better when you make the attempt to speak with her and get back on the road to regaining her trust.</p>

14

<p>First, take a deep breath.</p>

<p>Second, let's put some perspective on this incident. Step one: blink. Step two: Visualize how that 'blink' is going to affect the rest of your life. Answer? It isn't. This will blow over, you will go to the prom. Your friends will forgive you. The idea that the 'hotel' was the LAST time your group would EVER hang out is... silly. You will see each other again many times. by the end of the summer, you'll be bored with each other.</p>

<p>Third: After a great year of recentering yourself--you are over-dramatizing the importance of the prom. Proms are ridiculously un-important in the scheme of life. When you are 25 you will laugh at the idea of prom being important. More often than not, proms are a big disappointment. The fun part is in the planning and prepping--and the pre-prom drama.</p>

<p>Fourth: Dial back your hysteria. Apologize to your mum for leaving the bottle in the car. She will work her way back to trusting you. If you pull yourself together --perhaps you can visit the 'hotel' party without sleeping there. Self-pity won't win you more independence--but fronting up might.</p>

<p>Fifth: Your friends know your mom is bananas--every teen knows that every parent is bananas. This is the normal expectation. Parents are well used to being thought of as bananas--or near-to bananas. No teenager is truly surprised when a parent calls another parent to check up. In other words, your friends aren't as mad as you think. If they are--tell them to be mad at your bananas mom--not you. That should work.</p>

<p>Sixth: You will have fun at prom.</p>

15

<p>It's not the prom that I care about. I mean, yeah it sucks big time, but it's more the fact that I feel like I can't talk to my parents or my friends anymore. </p>

<p>My parents don't trust me, and I don't trust them. End of story. I have no interest in sharing anything with them anymore, and I feel like I have no friends to help support me during this time. </p>

<p>How can I explain this in a way that everyone can understand....</p>

<p>I am a good kid. I deserve a lot more freedom and respect than I am allowed. I tolerate the confinment because I know how much my parents care about me. The alcohol was in a water bottle hidden in a bag in my trunk. I had completely forgotten about it, seeing as how it was from over a year ago. My parents knew that I wasn't the greatest kid back then, and after all that I've done to make up for it, don't you think the least I deserve is a little respect?</p>

<p>I don't know. But I've honestly never been this sad before. I still haven't stopped crying. I don't want to come across as rude, but it sounds like a lot of your kids have grown up to live extremely sheltered lives. But it's just not normal for parents to call each other behind their child's back. It just isn't. </p>

<p>And the reason I'm so depressed is that I just don't know how to feel. I'm mad at myself for having alcohol in my car. I'm disappointed in myself for telling my parents that my best friends would be staying at the hotel. I'm upset with my mom for not trusting me. I'm sooo grateful that she cares this much about me. I'm sad that I won't be able to hang out with my friends after prom. I feel guilty that my best friends won't be there either. </p>

<p>So it's this total mix of emotions that has made me so depressed. Yesterday I wrote a journal entry for my history class about how happy I am right now, and that despite the stress, I've been getting the best grades I've ever gotten and have the best friends ever.</p>

16

<p>PS. I don't care about alcohol or drugs. I have no intention of doing them in the near or far future. I can't guarantee that it will never happen but I know that it's just not important to me anymore.</p>

17

<p>
[quote]
But it's just not normal for parents to call each other behind their child's back. It just isn't.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Good parents are not under the thumbs of their children. They are not. I've been called a few times with some shocking news--and I've made a few calls--although I usually give the kid 24 hours to tell his/her own parent/headmaster. Sorry, but your parents are WAAAAY normal by parent standards. They are just bananas by teen standards. </p>

<p>Your parents found alcohol in your car and they've lost some trust again. Oh well. Done deal.</p>

<p>You've re-established trust before and you will do it again. Self-pity will not move you forward in this scenario.</p>

<p>Why don't you write your paretns a version of what you've written above? </p>

<p>
[quote]
I just don't know how to feel. I'm mad at myself for having alcohol in my car. I'm disappointed in myself for telling my parents that my best friends would be staying at the hotel. I'm upset with my mom for not trusting me. I'm sooo grateful that she cares this much about me.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That would go a long way with me if I was your mom. </p>

<p>As for prom--you are jumping the gun. You are overthinking the impact of no overnight at the hotel. The prom night will be fun. Your friends will have fun at the pre-dinner and the dance and some sort of after-prom party. Those hotel things are dumb. I don't know when kids decided that standard hotel rooms were fun party spots--but ...uh....they're not.</p>

18

<p>just like i won't try and tell everyone how they should raise their kids, i don't think that parents should(or can) decide what is fun for their kids. </p>

<p>say they're not "safe", or whatever, but "fun" has an age gap.</p>

19

<p>
[quote]
it sounds like a lot of your kids have grown up to live extremely sheltered lives. But it's just not normal for parents to call each other behind their child's back. It just isn't.

[/quote]
It is very normal for parents to call other parents, they do it all the time. I think between me and Cheers you have a couple of very different parents of some of the most unsheltered kids on all of CC -- my daughter was off living on the other side of the globe at age 16 and Cheers' sons were pretty much doing the same thing as teenagers. We're the moms who remembered to pack extra condoms as we were sending our sons off on overseas adventures as teenagers. (There is a difference between being "sheltered" and merely "protected"). </p>

<p>I know you are upset, but you really are blowing this out of proportion. You told your mom that your friends were coming to the overnight in the hotel room, and your mom called those friends' moms, probably just to double-check and make sure they were o.k. with it. Moms like to talk to other moms. </p>

<p>Actually, I think it's kind of funny that you are posting on the "Parents Forum" of a college admissions web site. What kind of people do you think are here? Three guesses. </p>

<p>Here is a hint: we are parents who are so obsessed with thinking about our kids lives and affairs that we spend our spare time on the internet talking to other parents about our kids. </p>

<p>You should be grateful that your mom isn't on here starting some thread, like: "After-prom hotel party - should I say yes?" ... and asking for advice on setting the rules. </p>

<p>Anyway, if you can't get over it... at least you should figure out that this is probably not the place to find anyone who is going to take your "side". We think your mom did the right thing.</p>

20

<p>I'm 46. When I was a teenager my parents taped all my telephone calls for several years. (father is electrical engineer). I was not allowed to have the door to my bedroom closed (and this was when I was alone). My parents checked the mileage on the car (on the rare times I was allowed to drive). They paged me in places like the library to make sure I was where I said I would be.</p>

<p>Parents have been insane for more than this generation.</p>