So I’ve already been accepted to my dream school and as a byproduct of spending the past 5 years or so of my life working hard to get into college, I now do not know how to motivate myself in school. I have completed 12 AP courses, with all 5s on the exams and I am currently taking 3 AP sciences and 2 AP maths. My course load is incredibly strenuous and I am on varsity lacrosse and in multiple clubs that take up my time outside of school as well. I know that if I was still waiting on college decisions, I would have no problem motivating myself to pull multiple all nighters, and spend Friday/Saturday nights at the library to maintain all As.
I currently have 5 Bs and my parents are extremely upset with me. My mom is not talking to me and my dad says that he is not going to pay for me to go to my dream school (which I applied to under a binding Early Decision Plan, so obviously this is an empty threat), instead, he’s going to send me to our state school. I wake up every day feeling miserable about my slacking work ethic and falling grades, but deep down I am beyond ecstatic that I was accepted to college.
Its probably my inherent overachiever-ness but I feel so bad about my grades. I am racked with guilt. Should I just relax and promise to make all As next semester? How should I fix my relationship with my parents?
Is it too late to pull up a couple of those grades? Pick the classes you like the best and buckle down on those, at least. Sorry your parents are being like this… but I kind of agree that your dad isn’t very likely to pull the plug, he is just trying to motivate you. Maybe spend just Friday or Saturday at the library?
I think it is somewhat unfair of them to be this upset with you over a slight dim in your grades, especially after getting accepted to your dream school after 4 years of hard work. It doesn’t make sense to me. You pulled off the straight A’s the time they mattered most and now you deserve to relax a bit and take it easier.
Do you honestly feel guilty deep down or is it only because of the reaction of your parents?
Is this threat based off of your grades or because of finances? In any case, I think I would begin the discussion with your parents. Perhaps they can help you get your life back on track. I imagine there may be other issues besides the grades, so a sit-down discussion is in order. Like when I was in high school, my parents would be upset if I came anywhere near pulling all nighters because it is bad for your health. Can you take a breather on some of the clubs? If you have an understanding, I find that it’s easier to show them what you’ve been going through and they can help keep you on task if need to be. They’re your parents, they will be there for you, but you may want to find out what is really bothering them and address it before it comes out in an argument.
I suspect your parents are worried about several things: 1) that your grades will result in a rescission of the admission (which is unlikely with B’s) and 2) that you are displaying a work ethic that bodes poorly for success in college. You need to fall on your sword. Assure them that you will not be rescinded, and accept responsibility for a poor semester that will not be repeated next semester…or in college. Express your mortification and guilt, and your own concerns about your performance, and together you can address the problem.
Senioritis is common. A small rest/break between high school and college is to be expected. However, do know that you need to recharge those batteries for college. At most colleges, the work is harder and more intense, not easier, and grades matter for internships and jobs.
@shawnspencer I don’t know. I’m also kind of depressed because my boyfriend dumped me this week, so I am just a mess of stress and emotions right now. My parents are the strict Asian type, so they did not know that I have a boyfriend so I can’t even honestly talk to them about it without getting even deeper in trouble. Finances are not an issue. And it’s impossible to have an honest discussion with my parents without a full blown argument with hysterics and tears and yelling.
@prospect1 I understand how difficult college will be and I know the importance of maintaining grades for grad school. I’ve worked at a lab for two summers at a top 15 school not in my city, so I also know how to live alone, manage my time, and work in a professional environment–skills I’m sure that are necessary in college.
Basically I was overworked for most of my high school life so I decided to relax this semester with disastrous reactions from my parent’s end.
How do I have a meaningful discussion with my parents about these issues?
You sound like an overachiever who is going places…and that’s excellent! You stumbled this semester, and it sounds like it was stress related. The stumble is not good, but there is only one thing MORE frightening to a parent of an overachiever like you: that being, the thought that the child might be showing signs of a nervous breakdown. Signs that the child can no longer handle the workload and all of that wonderful achievement might be coming to an end.
As you have assured, this is not going to happen. But your parents don’t know that. Assure them that this was a small stumble and be FRANK and HONEST about your guilt and sadness, and even slight depression (they don’t have to know about the boyfriend). Show them your honest emotions…if the tears fall, let them!
Your parents will be more afraid of the possible emotional breakdown and they will want to help you address those issues. Remember, this fear is bigger than the fear that you have become lazy. Make sure they understand that you are feeling better, if indeed you are feeling better. Then, start next semester strong.
Well… I don’t completely agree that the OP “stumbled” and that it was “stress related”. Most people can’t (and don’t want to) work every Friday and Saturday night at the library, and most can’t sustain the effort needed to get all As with a very rigorous schedule over a very long period of time. I don’t know that anyone can say that the OP is going to go back to those very rigorous habits next semester and in college. Some students don’t once they get a taste of life with some other activities. But I understand that the OP needs to keep up a level of effort so she doesn’t get rescinded, and at least placate the parents enough that they will not withdraw funding for your college of choice.
Well, other then their reactions, what is the lasting damage? A few hundredths difference in the final GPA? I doubt your admission is going to get rescinded. It doesn’t sound like critical scholarships are up for grabs. Doesn’t sound like Valedictorian/Salutatorian opportunities were lost. What’s worth yelling about?
Maybe your talk with them should simply have to do with telling them you are just emotionally worn out for a while and needed a “rest”.
I see now this is very much like @prospect1 said. :">
Agree with the others that you should cut yourself some slack here. It sounds like its been a tough semester emotionally and its a shame you can’t share that with your parents. Your admission won’t get pulled. Do cut down on the ECs though - give up those that aren’t contributing to your pleasure. You need and deserve more free time in your life. And yes, pulling up your grades next semester (a 4.0 isn’t necessary) will probably make them feel better.
The important part of this is figuring out how you will handle academics in college. Are they going to threaten and guilt you if you get less than a 4.0? A few sessions with a sympathetic psychologist at the student counseling center of your university may help you sort out your responsibility to your parents vs. your responsibility to yourself. If you don’t ‘connect’ with the first person you talk to, find another. It’s confidential, by the way. Your parents need not know that you spoke to anyone. Consider ‘perspective’ to be a gift to yourself that will last you all your life.
Yes, relax, but still get your As. One is not in contradiction to another. Actullay, one is helping another. No reason to neglect anything social or fun in your last year of HS, but by the same token there is no reason for not having your As. Knowing how to relax is an important aspect and a very helpful. I am glad that you nailed it.
Aw. Heartbreak is not easy. You’ve worked hard all along and now you really can see that those efforts paid off in the A’s, and what happens when you don’t put in the same effort, and what it feels like. You also see there is more to life than straight A’s. You need a vacation…just…take it in the summer, after you’re done with school! If you were my kid I’d be a little glad you relaxed a little. But I’d also be a little worried everything is unravelling…which, of course, it’s not. That fear is basically your parents living vicariously through you. They can’t help it. Try to keep perspective on that and love them anyway. Congrats on your dream school. It WILL be different than high school and you will probably like it more.
It occurs to me that you could benefit from a gap year if you are truly burned out. Many kids who have spend precious high school years overworking so as to get into prestigious colleges, have trouble with motivation once on campus. They have to rely on the next thing, getting into grad school, for motivation. There is a reason that Harvard’s admissions page suggests considering a gap year- show it to your parents.
Basically, you have been raised to rely on “external motivators,” which in many ways are immature in a developmental sense. So grades and admissions were the reason you worked so hard, not interest or some other “internal motivator.” It is only natural then, that once you get admitted, you are no longer able to keep it up. Frankly, I would say your parent are partly responsible for this, as the emphasis in your household may have been more on grades and getting in than on the work itself, or the interest that might drive the work.
I honestly feel a little nervous for any student whose senioritis leads to a dip in grades. I know it is common. But is does signal a bit of burnout and also, as I said, some inauthentic motivation in the first place that may not hold up once in college.
Think about it for yourself. If this is a well-deserved break, then embrace it. Your parents need to understand. Maybe a counselor or guidance counselor could help.
But if the idea of working for reasons other than grades and getting in is so foreign to you that you cannot really buckle down now that you are in, you may encounter problems once on campus. Life should not be one long conveyor belt of stress trying to get into the next thing. Consider a gap year, or at least see a therapist or counselor about how you are feeling about the level of work you have been used to but cannot sustain.
Good luck. This is a very common problem on selective college campuses, and so is depression. The point is being there, not getting in!!
