In a strange situation, thinking about taking a year off.

Applying to College
1

<p>I've had a lot of trouble at home this past year. </p>

<p>My mom has been hospitalized for depression and has been acting as weird and sad as imaginable...I also recently found out that she's been having an affair for two years. She blackmailed my father into keeping it quiet, and actually planned on moving to California with the man she had been seeing until I persuaded her otherwise, which I now really regret. This is because I refuse to speak to her at home for all that she did, leading my brother to not speak to me, which creates an awful living situation. All of this is coming together at the worst possible time...I'm about to graduate and about to leave home, and hate to do so on such an awful note. I feel like if I leave home when I hate it there, it will never feel right or reasonable to return, let alone as a happy person.</p>

<p>I'm headed to Middlebury in the fall, and even though it's an amazing school, I just don't feel right going there. The kids seem preppy and not all that smart, a part of the culture I always pretended to enjoy but so desperately wanted to escape in college. The school is also obviously very isolated, so I would basically be trapped in a place I don't feel right in, sort of the way I feel now...I also wouldn't have a real home to return to and even feel homesick over, so I really would be lost.</p>

<p>In case it's important (it always is), I'm a white kid from New York with a slacker 3.6 gpa after senior year, a 2400 on the SAT's, subject tests and ap's in the area of 670-720 and 4-5, great community service and school leadership/activities (all of which are a complete joke, but not ostensibly), pretty nice recommendations, and I think I could definitely put together great essays if I devoted time to them.</p>

<p>I really screwed myself with college apps...I did all my essays at the very last minute and they came out terribly. I think I had a lot to offer as an applicant in spite of my flaws, and could have gotten into Brown early, where I'm a legacy, if I had taken my app more seriously. My username aside, I'm not really torn up over Brown itself...I was more enraptured with the prospect of being an Ivy Leaguer than actually being at Brown, which was never the best fit for me anyway.</p>

<p>What I really want to do at this point is escape all my problems at home, all my embarassing regrets at school, and go somewhere where I can feel a sense of belonging and a total lack of self-consciousness. I don't think that there's a magical solution for this, and sorry to ***** and vent like this, but I was just wondering if any of the wise people that frequent this board could offer any advice for what to do and explain how to do it. </p>

<p>Aside from wanting general suggestions, I have a number of specific questions:</p>

<p>1) If I defer a year at Middlebury, can I reapply elsewhere?
2) How do I go about getting counselor recommendations and things like that again?
3) If 1 is possible, is it a better option than transferring?</p>

<p>If it means anything, I would love to go to Berkeley for strange, romantic, Benjamin Braddock-type reasons. I also would love to take another shot at Brown and Williams, the only two schools I liked more than Middlebury that rejected me. This isn't really about upgrading my school, though, and I'm open to attending any school I really feel comfortable at. I'm just trying to make the best of my situation in whatever way I can. Thank you.</p>

2

<p>I would try Midd if I were you. Yes, it's isolated, but less than Williams. You don't know that you would be accepted in a year, and you might find you like Midd. I also left home under bad circumstances many moons ago, and I bounced into a school far less appealing than Midd. I still had a great time and moved my life forward. Instead of focussing on the school, take the catalogue and see if you can find any courses open to frosh that escite you and focus on that.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

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<p>umm... umm... Who was your mom... nevermind, I won't ask.</p>

<p>Joking aside, (I think), I'm sorry to hear about your misfortunes and it is commendable that you wish to stay with your family and weather the storm instead of simply going away to college in the fall. I don't think you are allowed to apply to other schools if you ask to be deferred, but if I were you I would try to defer and keep my acceptance at Middlebury. However, if you reeeeeeeeeealy want to go somewhere else, you can try applying all over again... with your stats you will get into a really good school again.</p>

4

<p>hahahah...the parallel is a bit mixed, but don't think it hasn't crossed my mind</p>

5

<p>You are living in an environment that is chaotic and very stressful. As a result, it is hard for you to figure out what best to do with your own life. I strongly suggest that you start seeing a licensed psychologist or social worker who's experienced in helping adolescents who are in very troubled families.</p>

<p>Another option would be for you to start going to a support group such as "Adult Children of Alcoholics," which is a appropriate and helpful for people from families affected by mental illness and general dysfunction, not just alcoholism. Google to find out more info about ACOA groups.</p>

<p>"I feel like if I leave home when I hate it there, it will never feel right or reasonable to return, let alone as a happy person."</p>

<p>You are trying to predict the future, which is not possible. Getting some distance from your family may actually help you, including helping you realize that their problems aren't your fault and you can't take responsibility for trying to solve their problems.</p>

<p>Also, it probably will be hard to believe this, but it is true: Your happiness doesn't depend on your family situation, but how you respond to it.</p>

6

<p>
[quote]
I'm headed to Middlebury in the fall, and even though it's an amazing school, I just don't feel right going there. The kids seem preppy and not all that smart, a part of the culture I always pretended to enjoy but so desperately wanted to escape in college.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I'm sorry, but the kids at Middlebury don't seem all that smart? What are you basing this on? What you read on the Internet? How can you know what the kids at Middlebury are like if you haven't even given it a try? Do a google news search for Middlebury and count the number of articles in newspapers around the country about the top students at the local high school who are going to Midd. </p>

<p>And you're sadly mistaken if you think that the kids at Middlebury are any different than the kids at Williams. Guess what? They're pretty much the same. I can't think of a school that's more like Middlebury than Williams in terms of student culture.</p>

<p>With this attitude, you'll have a hard time enjoying college no matter where you end up. You can make as many excuses as you'd like, but face it--Brown and Williams didn't want you. Do you know how many kids who were rejected from their top choices make excuses like "I didn't work very hard on my essay," or "I totally slacked during my interview--otherwise I would have gotten in." Move on. If you really think that kids at Middlebury aren't that smart, then I sincerely hope you don't go there this fall. Middlebury is overflowing with kids who are thrilled to be there, and a sour apple can spoil the bunch.</p>

7

<p>that's a reasonable thing to say, arcadia, and i didn't really mean what i said the way it must have come off. of course the kids at middlebury are smart, and of course i'm not any smarter than your average student there. the focus just didn't seem to be on learning in my visits, more about appearance and social life, which also probably isn't true. also, i'm even fine with that in many ways. </p>

<p>i may also be comforting myself by blaming my essays. i don't really have any reason to leave middlebury aside from wanting to sort out my family situation before i go. in the event that i couldn't, i'd want to go somewhere where my family situation didn't pose a problem, somewhere really far away (like berkeley), somewhere where i know a lot of people (williams), or somewhere i'm truly enthusiastic about going for silly, pipe dream fulfilling reasons (brown).</p>

8

<p>I second Northstarmom. Your home situation is extremely chaotic right now, and it's probably not great for your mental health to be there. It's great that you want to make things right with your family - you may find it easier if you give yourself some distance and come back when things have cooled off and everyone has gained more perspective. That said, if this issue is going to follow you to college and prevent you from making the most of your time there, you may be better off deferring and trying to find an opportunity away from home.</p>

<p>I wasn't interested in looking at Middlebury for the exact same reason - I'd heard that people were preppy and shallow, and I was worried about the social environment. My opinion of the school changed a lot when two of the most down-to-earth, bright, and intellectual people I know decided to enroll there. There's considerable applicant overlap between Brown, Middlebury, and Williams for a reason. Don't knock it immediately - you could have a great time there.</p>

9

<p>I think your desire to "sort out the family situation" before you go away may be unrealistic. After all, your two adult parents have been unable to sort it out after two years of trouble. It can be hard to resist the pressure to be the conciliator in a family situation, but this appears to be about your parents' marriage and your mother's emotional/mental health and there is little you can do to change that. Situations like this often take years to develop and are not easily solved within months. I think you should tell everyone you love them and be grateful to go off to a safe and nurturing place where you can get counseling and love your family from afar while things are sorted out. If you can hold your grades together (and I'm sure anyone with a 2400 sat can do that if they try hard enough), you will be an excellent transfer applicant 10 months from now. Berkeley does not accept sophomore transfers and a 3.6 may not get an oos student in the door there (ave. in state gpa is over 4.0) so that may have to wait a year or two anyways. Going to school and getting one year out of the way will help you to keep making progress versus staying at home worrying about chaotic family relationships. When a marriage has troubles, the family can experience fall out for a couple of years. It may take awhile to calm down so I would think twice before putting your life on hold for a situation that is out of your control. I hope you come to a decision you are at peace with. Good luck.</p>

10

<p>One of the most academically committed, serious and intelligent people I know is going to Middlebury next year. She ALSO has a great social life. I think you really should give Middlebury a try. While you're there, you can get some perspective on your family's situation and take advantage of the college's psychological services to talk to someone who can help you sort this all out. If you think you aren't liking Midd, send in transfer applications. </p>

<p>If you're worried about never going back home, realize that that is something you can control! If you tell yourself you won't isolate yourself from your family, then you won't. But at the same time, you're an adult now, and you're not obligated to be living at home 100%. Going back to visit during your breaks will help you stay connected to your family without you having to put your life on hold until the situation is better.</p>