Mom is wearing me down mentally. Accepted into one school.

Parents Forum
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<p>[A repost from another forum. I was told I would receive better feedback here.]</p>

<p>This thread coincides with some of the ideas in the recently popular "I don't understand some people here" thread. I thought I'd share my story.</p>

<p>My parents are separated. I live with my mom. I am an African-American male. My mother did not go to college. My brother went to a mediocre school, took breaks, and eventually landed a job completely outside his Communications major. Our household income is sub $30,000.</p>

<p>It really is up to me to get my family out of this terrible game. </p>

<p>I actually have another account on CC, but decided to make this account for the sake of confidentiality. </p>

<p>I have always been a pretty bright kid, but due to some depression issues in the 9th-early 11th grade, my grades took a substancial hit. My A- GPA nosedived to a pathetic B-. Though it was disappointing, I still maintained a positive outlook toward life. It's what kept me ALIVE (no hyperbole). I had some nice ECs and an excellent SAT score.</p>

<p>I am now a senior. I have applied to these nine schools:</p>

<p>UConn, Fordham, Lehigh, NYU, Northeastern, Ohio State, Swarthmore, Villanova, and Syracuse (I was accepted into the University of New Haven at an on-site admissions. It was free to apply, so I'm not counting it here).</p>

<p>Only UConn accepted me. I was waitlisted by Syracuse. As you can see, no real safeties here. It was calculated risk I took. I was expecting something very similar, and that's what I got. </p>

<p>Now, instead of congratulating me on the fact that I will be going to college and starting my future, my mother is cursing at me for only being accepted into one, and how pathetic I am. I really don't understand. I'm trying to go through her thought process logically and I'm failing to see how she could say those things to me. Shouldn't she be ecstatic that I am going to be the third person in our family to go to college? That our family is getting better and better with each generation?</p>

<p>Does she see where I applied? I took some real chances here. If all she cared about was how many acceptance letters I received, I would have applied to community colleges and CUNY/SUNY. But instead, I gambled. I got into a great school anyway.</p>

<p>One of my ECs involved doing work for a state legislator who happens to be great friends with the president of the second most competitive school I applied to. After I told him I got a rejection letter from that institution, he agreed to follow it up with a personal phone call, requesting the president to evaluate my application himself. To this, instead of realizing that there is a glimmer of hope that I may be getting into a better school, my mother is continuing to cheapen and berate me. </p>

<p>I truly don't get this. I've been trying to maintain a positie vision, but it's getting exceedingly harder to do so as the days go by with my mom insulting me about everything.</p>

<p>How do you guys at CC feel about this? Please respond honestly. I need to know. I want this thread to serve as a reality check for both me and my mother.</p>

<p>Thanks so much, folks. I really appreciate it.</p>

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<p>First of all, congratulations on your acceptances ! I am sorry that your mother is giving you a hard time. It does sound like you put yourself out there in terms of applying to competitive schools.
Maybe your mother has some of her own issues with the reality of you leaving and berating you is a way to control you, and perhaps keep you closer to home.
You DID get into great schools and for that you should be commended…if not by mom, then perhaps your guidance counselor and I think you will find a lot of support here. </p>

<p>I think you should be very proud of your accomplishments, particularly since you went thru some family difficulties that took their toll on you.
Your mother will hopefully come around. I am sure that deep sown she has great hopes for you, but knowing that you will leave causes her some anxieties as well.
Best of luck to you :)</p>

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<p>Hi - first - congratulations on your acceptance. You can only attend one university - so one acceptance is really all you need, right?</p>

<p>Second - get excited! You are going to college. It’s more important to focus now on what opportunities await you at UConn and how you will make the most of them.</p>

<p>Finally - and this is the hardest - you have to worry less about the opinions of others. Easier said than done, I know. But really, you can’t waste time and energy worrying about what others think. Look foward, not backwards.</p>

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<p>Hermit- I would not want to interpret your mother’s actions negatively and come between you. I know she loves you (because I’m a mom too).Your relationship with her is most important.
I think this comes from the anxiety of not being familiar with the college process. I’m a college educated mom on CC with experience in the process, and still, it is one of the most anxious years to go through. We seasoned parents can freak out. My child’s friend (first generation) applied this year and her mom is overwhelmed with it all- even though she’s a great mom and loves her kid. Some people are not familiar with the difficulty in getting accepted to college.
There is also something called “projection” that some people do. She didn’t go to college and your success may remind her of that. If she perceives herself as a failure or fears she failed you, she may actually be projecting that fear on to you. It’s not you and you are not to blame for this. It’s just how some people deal with it. She’s also thinking about one more baby out of the nest. This is hard on us moms.
My take is that your mom is acting out of fear and anxiety, but she really loves you and is proud of you. You are a success and have been accepted to a great school. Soon you will be there. Do well, enjoy college, and call your mom a lot :)</p>

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<p>^^ Really good points. </p>

<p>Not trying to defend or justify your mom’s behavior but just some thoughts…</p>

<p>You don’t mention financial aid at all. With >30K I assume you got a great package but is the total bill for attendance covered? Could her hostility be covering concerns about that?</p>

<p>With first generation college students (I was one about 25 years ago!) the assumption is always that the parents are thrilled…and often that’s the case. Almost always that’s the case. But sometimes it’s not…or sometimes it’s mixed in with alot of other emotions, like resentment/jealousy for their own missed opportunities, or fear that their children are going to starting a new life that won’t have room for an “uneducated” parent, or just plain sadness that their child is leaving. Maybe it’s none of those things in this case…but to assume that all parents who didn’t attend college are deliriously happy, or at least completely without reservation is naive, I think.</p>

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<p>Thanks again for your honest and meaningful replies, everyone. They mean so much to me.</p>

<p>In regards to the finances:</p>

<p>I’m waiting for the IRS to send back the transcript so that it can be faxed to UConn. We’ll receive the financial aid package and analyze the figures after that. My mother will be able to help me a little, thus I am preparing myself to take out and pay back loans and participate in a work-study program in school.</p>

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<p>OP, just keep reminding your mom that you can only go to one school at a time. Get yourself a UConn tee shirt and wear it. A lot. Wrap your brain around being a Husky. Redirect all conversations to what is AHEAD of you, not behind. You are accepted at UConn. You can’t wait to go to UConn. You are excited about UConn. Etc etc. Tell mom you are moving forward, not rethinking the past, and then do it. Refuse to beat that dead horse! Congratulations; UConn is a great school.</p>

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<p>Well I hope they give you buckets of money! And everything that Longrange said…UConn is a great school with an amazing college tradition. Good luck!</p>

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<p>So sorry you are being treated this way by your Mom of all people. I agree she probably just doesn’t understand the process.</p>

<p>Just go out and own U-Conn. Make these 4 years productive, successful, and of course fun and a growing experience. Graduate and go make something of yourself. Your Mom will get on board sooner rather than later, if you are doing your best and blooming where you are planted.</p>

<p>In a few years, we want you to come back and tell us how embarrassing your Mom is with all her bragging on you to all her friends. :)</p>

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<p>My husband went to UConn. He then got a graduate degree in something incomprehensible and went to work in industry. He earns a very good living, and he has several patents and scientific publications.</p>

<p>You can go far with a degree from UConn, and you probably will.</p>

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<p>OP, are you a CT resident? If not, you may find that UCONN is financially out of reach.</p>

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<p>I join the others in congratulating you. Most of my kids even with every advantage we could give them in terms of college prep, stable household, money, great education, got into and went to state schools. Some had other choices. It’s what they did with the opportunities that has really mattered, not where they went to school.</p>

<p>Honestly, I would have love, love, loved for them to have gotten into HPY. So, yes, I know how your mother feels, but that is a problem we mothers have when we put our personal aspirations that have no grounding in reality many times, onto our kids. We want to have Mercedes and have a lot of things in life. And what we too often forget is that there are a lot of easy to get there and the journey can be wonderful or miserable depending on how we make it. Either way, getting there is not what takes up the time and makes up life.</p>

<p>But I digress. Parents are people with all the faults and foibles thereof, and some of us have them in some areas worse than others. I’m sorry that your mother is venting on you. The problem with college applications is that it gives a concrete consequence upon which to fixate and those of us tending to preservate on things might find it hard to move on. And that is a failing of your mother, not yours. I’m sorry that you are on the receiving end of this vice of hers. It’s too easy for those who tend to fall into that way of thinking to do so and hard to get out. I just hope you can let this bounce off of you, as you should. Take it as it is which is an unhealthy obsession on something that builds it into more importance than it is.</p>

<p>Sorry, and I hope things smooth out.</p>

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<p>I’m assuming you live in CT since you mention UNH. UConn is a great school and really quite a competitive admit; you - and your mother - should be proud. What field were you thinking of studying?</p>

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<p>You guys are the greatest. I’ve actually managed to calm my mom down and talk to her about the situation and she apologized for acting in the way that she did, and that she is, indeed, very proud of me.</p>

<p>@stradmom - I am not a Connecticut resident. I applied for UConn’s computer science program. I plan to minor in finance. I’m not sure if I should switch that. The career goal I wish to pursue is banking.</p>

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<p>

My recommendation would be to give your Mom some time. I’m not defending her because her reaction can not be defended … but I’d guess in time she’ll move forward and be more positive.</p>

<p>When I picked my school my Mom was mad at me because I didn’t pick the best school to which I was accepted and her brother sold her on the idea I was dumb to pick the school I did. Fast forward a few months and imagine my surprise as she brags to her friends about my school … and she clearly had forgotten her position of what a mistake I had made. </p>

<p>Hopefully your Mom’s position will improve over time also!</p>

<p>PS - congrats on your success.</p>

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<p>UCONN’S amazing! (I’m a bit biased :wink: ) Hopefully, you get good financial aid and you’ll become a Husky. :)</p>

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<p>I know the initial reaction from your mom seems odd and cruel, but I’m very glad she apologized. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized some of the bizarre and seemingly uncaring behavior I saw from my parents had nothing to do with me. That parents have all sorts of issues going on that kids aren’t aware of, from mental health, financial, depression, physical health, and those pressures sometimes come out in inappropriate ways. Just realize that if she acts badly, it really is not your fault, so don’t let it bother you and just be rational and calm. And do your own thing!</p>

<p>Congratulations to you, you sound motivated and I’m sure you will be very successful. I wouldn’t steer away from the comp sci right away, though, give it a chance. There are great opportunities in that field, and the more experience you have, the better…even if you major in finance instead. Unless you hate it, of course!</p>

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<p>I’m glad your Mom is coming round and hope the financial aid makes it all work out.</p>

<p>You cant control your Mom only your reactions and it can take a lifetime to work on those ;)</p>

<p>Be proud of what you have achieved and look forward to the next stage.</p>

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<p>Simple. All you have to do is ask one question: “Mom, which college did you attend?”</p>

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<p>Sounds like some of the stress is being lifted. That’s good. Different people react to stressful situations in ways that can be hurtful and not predictable. Anyway, you can only go to one college, right? Sounds like you’re in for a great time ahead! Congratulations on all fronts!</p>