In The Atlantic: The Partnership Between Colleges and Helicopter Parents

Parent Cafe
21

For one child, I don’t even know what classes she’s taking. She’s in engineering, they tell her what to take, she takes the classes.

The other child I do spend a lot more time helping figure out her classes She’s not good at making schedules or figuring out the pre-reqs for classes, so I’m more involved than I should be. I like looking through the schedule and suggesting things, I figured out the new core requirements (daughter did not understand them at all, and her adviser didn’t explain them). If she doesn’t take the core classes, she won’t graduate on time, and that will cost me money. So I turn on the rotors and hover away.

mom2and, my sister hovers enough for 6 parents, so maybe that makes it seem like there are more helicopters in the air. I think even her son is sick of it.

22

^To add to what @JHS said, we were similar (though no internship connections; we simply didn’t have any). But gave autonomy, expected them to earn money for some expenses, budgets, pick their own classes and majors, etc. (I will admit I loved discussing registration with them and chewing on possible course choices, because I work in hire ed, sometimes in advising, and that stuff’s fascinating to me–but their choices were theirs.)

HOWEVER, to speak to his latter point concerning the idea that arm’s-length works fine when no big issues arise, if I’d been a bit more hands-on, I might have been able to swoop in earlier and forestall S’s dropping out senior year and a six year gap before graduating.

So there’s that.

23

Kind of doubt that Garland. Reasoning and support may not get a kid that wants out of school to continue - even in senior year. I am actually very heartened to read that your kid did actually graduate. One of mine took a “break” but at this point, no sign of finishing. And while we were not helicotpers, we were right there, supportive, reasoning, offering assistance, and whatever it took. The kid reportedly went to register for classes and could not bring himself to do so. I honestly don’t know what else we could have done, as he had a job that could support himself (no loans).

24

I mean, of course we can never know. He registered, but stopped going to classes. However, it’s clear that there was an under-lying problem that led to that; this was a kid who had loved school for the first years. I think we could have gotten more help earlier, but it’s impossible to know, of course. (At the very least, we lost some money on that last non-semester that could have been avoided.)

But in the end, it did turn out well. I’ve written extensively on his story in the Parent Cafe, and I’d like to think he’s the CC poster child for “don’t-give-up-on-them;–you-never-know.” :slight_smile:

25

I see what you mean. Sorry to have presumed. I didn’t realize it was during the semester and there was an issue that cropped up so quickly. I will search out your posts in the Cafe. Always looking for optimism (although my kid that didn’t finish is doing just fine at the moment). It is so tough to know the right approach to take with adult children.

26

I’m a Sikorsky double rotor helicopter parent. So is my wife. But we have a combined seven engineering and science degrees between us, and nearly 25 years of college.

We’re not doing it because we think our kids are incapable of handling their own issues - far from it, they are. But the stakes are high in terms of costs and one mix-up or forgotten form or other mishap could cause serious financial disaster. Both girls are on hefty scholarships making cost of attendance about what we used to pay for Kumon and piano lessons for them (but of course they would do Kumon and piano :)). But to keep the money coming the girls have to keep their grades high, and make a lot of ‘right’ choices.

We’re not making the choices for them, but we’re actively involved teaching them how to find what those choices are and teaching them how to assess those choices.

27

Another slacker parent checking in. But DD attended a public inner city high school where her guidance counselor was fired early in the semester her senior year and couldn’t ever figure out her schedule to save his life. She learned to take care of business on her own and seek the counsel of other adults. OTOH, she attended a LAC, so it was small and private and she could make those connections with other adults who would provide the guidance she needed.

Ummm. I will admit to wanting to helicopter regarding her work wear clothing choices: Those 3" heels, while comfortable now, are not eight hour sandals. Those synthetic straps won’t stretch. Have you done the hug test on that jacket? How about the sit-down test on that shirt? Victoria’s Secret has a reputation for terrible quality for the money, and they try to put women in the wrong size because it is what they carry. And on and on.

If the kid asks for advice, is it helicoptering? Almost always, we wait for her to initiate the contact.

28

“only bleak outcomes for third category, the poor girls whose parents didn’t helicopter?”

Based on the book, anyway, this is for the poor girls who stayed at IU. There were others who went home and went to IU-Ft. Wayne or whatever, and those ones largely ended up as nurses or teachers and did fine.

29

I’m just responding to Hanna’s comment, above, and haven’t had time to read the previous day’s comments yet.

I went to IU-B in the '80s (and graduated from IU-B) was poor, first generation college student, all that - paid my own tuition, housing, everything. My mom sent me 20 bucks every couple of weeks, and she probably couldn’t really afford that, but she did.

Not only that, I had the audacity to be poor and major in the humanities - because I felt like it, and I was paying for it, myself. (Well, okay, I took about 6k in loans. Part of that loan amount was form my 1st year and a half at a private LAC, before I transferred. Paid for the rest with summer jobs.)
More importantly, I had the good fortune to be friends with other kids who majored in the Humanities and Social Sciences - I don’t think I knew, personally, a single person who had a vocational major.
And I say “fortunately” not because vocational majors are bad or unworthy, of course they’re not, but because I was surrounded by other students who were also majoring in Comparative Lit, and French and Spanish and History and Art History… and they all gave me an idea of what I could do for employment, after college, so I could easily pay off my loans and live relatively comfortably, and independently. **
And all of those kids were being advised by their parents, who were all mostly college-educated, themselves.

A few of my friends’ parents often came to campus throughout the year to visit and take us out to lunch, etc.

I got my first job through a friend’s mother, who came to visit him often at school - She was an accountant at a “boutique” law firm in Chicago, and just before graduation, she told me about a job there she thought I was qualified for.

My friend’s mother took me under her wing. She was the one who took me shopping for work clothes after I got the job, she gave me advice for what to wear to the interview, what to say, what to emphasize on my resume, what salary to ask for.

My own mother had no idea how to advise me. My own mother hadn’t graduated from high school, worked in factories all her life, and was appalled that I would actually TELL a potential employer what I wanted to be paid, lol. (I was too!) Most blue collar employment just doesn’t work that way.

Honestly, my advice to first-gen students is still to pay attention and seek advice from other students and their parents, if their parents are college-educated/affluent… The fact is, first-gen students simply cannot turn to their own families for support and networking - it’s just not there. Or if advice is given, it’s likely wrong, or bad, because how are your parents or relatives who never went to college, supposed to advise you? They might think they know things about the job market for new college grads, but they just do not.

** and it was a different time, economically, then, but I really don’t believe the career track is all that different.

30

The author is a writer and a very poor researcher. she conflates SES and attributes of the parents. She should have taken Research 101.

31

I just read the article. My kid’s not in college yet, but given our own personal and familial situations these past two years (she’s dealing with some anxiety and emotional issues) I’ll very likely be hovering, :). I’ll try to do it as silently and stealthily as possible.

Heh. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

I’m more of a “pink helicopter”, I think, but I hate to admit it, lol. My daughter, as of now, has no lofty career goals, just wants to find full-time white-collar work after college, get paid vacations, all that… And if she does develop bigger goals, it’s up to her to develop them, not me.

I would NEVER suggest she not try to work things out with a roommate though, or blame things on her roomie. I’d suggest she just try to get along and if they can’t be buds, then live civilly with each other. Ridiculous for Alexis’ mother, in the article, to blame the roommate. Please.
My daughter also has no interest in sororities (yet.)

I think my D expects me to hover and welcomes it. I certainly have more to offer her, in terms of advice - and I have more time for it - than my own parents.

I do want her to choose her own major, and she chose her university (I like her university but it’s not, imo, the MOST IDEAL place for her, but I’ve kept quiet)) - I want her to make her own choices and live by them.

Yet - she is young and naive and maybe not so impressionable…

@lostaccount, What exactly is your criticism of the article and how she wrote it?

If this is the same author that lived in the dorms at Indiana (oops, Midwest State U.) for a couple of years and followed her subjects for over four years, how is that not research?

32

According to the researcher’s categories, Pere Goriot was a pink helicopter parent. You definitely don’t want to raise your daughters like he did.